Perhaps I have misunderstood what this forum is about. Presuming it is not a forum for husband and wife ministry teams, I will proceed with ministry to spouses.
This past Christmas my wife and I celebrated our 25th Wedding Anniversary. So, much of what I have to share is experiential. Too many marriage advice books and columns are written by those who have never been married, are newly wed, or have been to the altar many times.
We have made many mistakes over the years, nearly all of which were at variance with what the Bible has to say on the subject. We are Spirit-filled believers but we are only human.
My younger brother and I had a conversation about 10 years ago on marriage. We both grew up in a home headed by our widowed / divorcee mother (who was married to husband number five, the last I heard). Jed was engaged in those days to his current wife. That engagement ended up being 12 years in length because he was uncertain and did not want to make the mistakes our mother had. It was not only that, but he wanted a "biblical" wife which from his description sounded more like he was looking for a door mat than a wife.
I tried to tactfully instruct him that no such woman existed, except for an under developed / needy woman who would need him to baby sit her through every situation.
He then said he was not sure if he was in love with the girl he was engaged to. She was nuts about Jed. She hyper-ventilated every time he even hinted at breakuing up with him.
I explained to him that some folks never fall in love (that "feeling" or fireworks or however it is described). And I told him that even if you had that feeling for someone it does not mean that person is right for you or good for you. We both knew a friend who fell head over heels in love with a bar fly, and she led him around by the nose bilking him for money while she slept around as much as she always had.
Jed was engaged to a good woman. She is a believer and was going to medical school at the time. In fact, I'm convinced that the decisive factor for Jed to go through with marrying her was on her graduation day. They called out her maiden name "Dr. So-N-So" and on her way back down from the podium she looked directly at my brother and said "It could have been Dr. De Baptiste."
Shortly afterward they were married. She is in practice, he is in his consulting firm and they have 1 son and 3 daughters.
My point?
Love is a multi-level thing. Some, like my sister-in-law, know at once "this is the one" others like my brother have to grow into it. It is more or less being at different levels or stages of love.
And what separates love from lust (or as some call it"puppy love" or "a crush" ) is commitment. Love has at it's base a devoted commitment often expressed in marriage vows "to cherish, honor, and obey till death do us part..." rather than "till something better comes along..."
Love is also self less. Lust craves and gives only with regard for getting. Love gives with no regard for getting.
Some wedding vows exclude "obey" from them which is sad. It is not intended to convey the woman only obeys the man for both made the vow to obey. It was not even an obedience like being told what to do and doing it, but rather the representation of selflessness. If both are obeying the other a mutual commitment and service to one another is in place.
I am a man of limited means. If I had the ability, I would give my wife her every hearts' desire. And she mine.
What works in marriage is a dogmatic commitment and giving 100 % as though you were never going to get anything in return. When both do this marriage blossoms and is sustained.
Feelings of romance, affection, even love rise and fall like a roller coaster ride. But the commitment and giving keep marriage on track.
This past Christmas my wife and I celebrated our 25th Wedding Anniversary. So, much of what I have to share is experiential. Too many marriage advice books and columns are written by those who have never been married, are newly wed, or have been to the altar many times.
We have made many mistakes over the years, nearly all of which were at variance with what the Bible has to say on the subject. We are Spirit-filled believers but we are only human.
My younger brother and I had a conversation about 10 years ago on marriage. We both grew up in a home headed by our widowed / divorcee mother (who was married to husband number five, the last I heard). Jed was engaged in those days to his current wife. That engagement ended up being 12 years in length because he was uncertain and did not want to make the mistakes our mother had. It was not only that, but he wanted a "biblical" wife which from his description sounded more like he was looking for a door mat than a wife.
I tried to tactfully instruct him that no such woman existed, except for an under developed / needy woman who would need him to baby sit her through every situation.
He then said he was not sure if he was in love with the girl he was engaged to. She was nuts about Jed. She hyper-ventilated every time he even hinted at breakuing up with him.
I explained to him that some folks never fall in love (that "feeling" or fireworks or however it is described). And I told him that even if you had that feeling for someone it does not mean that person is right for you or good for you. We both knew a friend who fell head over heels in love with a bar fly, and she led him around by the nose bilking him for money while she slept around as much as she always had.
Jed was engaged to a good woman. She is a believer and was going to medical school at the time. In fact, I'm convinced that the decisive factor for Jed to go through with marrying her was on her graduation day. They called out her maiden name "Dr. So-N-So" and on her way back down from the podium she looked directly at my brother and said "It could have been Dr. De Baptiste."
Shortly afterward they were married. She is in practice, he is in his consulting firm and they have 1 son and 3 daughters.
My point?
Love is a multi-level thing. Some, like my sister-in-law, know at once "this is the one" others like my brother have to grow into it. It is more or less being at different levels or stages of love.
And what separates love from lust (or as some call it"puppy love" or "a crush" ) is commitment. Love has at it's base a devoted commitment often expressed in marriage vows "to cherish, honor, and obey till death do us part..." rather than "till something better comes along..."
Love is also self less. Lust craves and gives only with regard for getting. Love gives with no regard for getting.
Some wedding vows exclude "obey" from them which is sad. It is not intended to convey the woman only obeys the man for both made the vow to obey. It was not even an obedience like being told what to do and doing it, but rather the representation of selflessness. If both are obeying the other a mutual commitment and service to one another is in place.
I am a man of limited means. If I had the ability, I would give my wife her every hearts' desire. And she mine.
What works in marriage is a dogmatic commitment and giving 100 % as though you were never going to get anything in return. When both do this marriage blossoms and is sustained.
Feelings of romance, affection, even love rise and fall like a roller coaster ride. But the commitment and giving keep marriage on track.