Why is Sex Such a Chore?

[blackribbon]

My alcoholic brother-in-law wondered why his wife wanted a divorce. There may have been several reasons, but he couldn't think of one.

I married only once and was married till death did us part forty-two years later.

I hope you also enjoyed a healthy active sex life for those 42 years.

 

[blackribbon]

1 Corinthians 6:1-8

This isn't a conflict that needs judgment. He is asking how to get his wife to see him as a husband again. You don't go negotiate sex privileges before a counselor. In the ideal situation, she would be seeking godly advice from godly women of her church on how to find the balance between being a mother and loving wife. But she isn't asking for advice, he is ... There are some very basic behaviors and mistakes that married people make that can be addressed first and done on a common forum like this because they are ... um, common and general. Again, there is a reason why useful books can be written on this topic...

The reason to go in private is to protect the identity and reputation of the people involved while resolving the differences. We are likely to ever know if we even have met the OP or his wife.

 

[Victor E.]

This isn't a conflict that needs judgment. He is asking how to get his wife to see him as a husband again. You don't go negotiate sex privileges before a counselor. In the ideal situation, she would be seeking godly advice from godly women of her church on how to find the balance between being a mother and loving wife. But she isn't asking for advice, he is ... There are some very basic behaviors and mistakes that married people make that can be addressed first and done on a common forum like this because they are ... um, common and general. Again, there is a reason why useful books can be written on this topic...

The reason to go in private is to protect the identity and reputation of the people involved while resolving the differences. We are likely to ever know if we even have met the OP or his wife.

This is a conflict that needs judgement. The Word gives explicit guidelines on such matters. The secular world is concerned about the aforementioned things. Whether or not the Word's guidance is accepted is entirely up to the individuals involved. I'm simply offering Scriptural support on a Christian Forum. I'm also unsure as to whther or not you understood the intention of my initial post.

 

[blackribbon]

This is a conflict that needs judgement. The Word gives explicit guidelines on such matters. The secular world is concerned about the aforementioned things. Whether or not the Word's guidance is accepted is entirely up to the individuals involved. I'm simply offering Scriptural support on a Christian Forum. I'm also unsure as to whther or not you understood the intention of my initial post.

Judgement? You mean punish her for not initiating sex with her husband or acting like she enjoys it enough? Punish him for feeling like it is a chore at times? Honestly?

 

[Victor E.]

Judgement? You mean punish her for not initiating sex with her husband or acting like she enjoys it enough? Punish him for feeling like it is a chore at times? Honestly?

Judgement- the ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions.

 

[blackribbon]

Judgement- the ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions.

and you think women have sex based on "sensible conclusions" made by other people?

plus he never said she was denying him sex, just that it wasn't the joyful coming together that married sex should be....

 

[Humble me Lord]

Sounds to me like it's more of a communication issue. We have been married 15 years and had similar problems in this area. My wife is 7 years older than I, and God finally showed me that her needs are different than mine. Marriage is a give and take where both sides feel like they are giving 75% and the other only 25%, we are imperfect flesh.
I would suggest leaving the intimacy part out of it and try to work on better communication.
I had the same issue of tying intimacy with the love feeling for a lot of my life, but the stronger my relationship with God grew, I understood that love is a commitment, not a warm fuzzy feeling.
In the end that is what made our relationship solid as a rock, a foundation unshakable, the way God intended it to be.
God Bless

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

ABSOLUTELY do not do that. Nothing worse that beating someone over the head with scripture and telling what a failure they are as a christian.

Especially true because no one is perfect except God!

Wow talk about twisting my words. Have you read my past posts on sex? I never say use the bible and bash them with. But I say the bible does talk about sex and how your bodies belong to each other. And you shouldn't deny sex for no reason at all. There are lots of reasons not to have sex. Not having sex because one doesn't want to is not a good reason.

 

[blackribbon]

Wow talk about twisting my words. Have you read my past posts on sex? I never say use the bible and bash them with. But I say the bible does talk about sex and how your bodies belong to each other. And you shouldn't deny sex for no reason at all. There are lots of reasons not to have sex. Not having sex because one doesn't want to is not a good reason.

I agree that this conversation is about the last thing that would make most women become an active partner...it sounds manipulating like "you owe me because you are my wife". What you are likely to get is a wet washrag response where she lays there until you are done. Back up to the verses about a husband's responsibility is to LOVE and CHERISH his wife...that means make her feel loved and special and sexy and desirable and treasured you probably won't ever have to have the discussion over who owns whose body.

 

[Xavier Cane]

Sorry to hear that bro. you MUST get to the source of this regardless of how difficult this is to talk about. It is causing issues and it can explode if not dealt with. just sit down and have an open and raw conversation about this with her. No one is pointing fingers, you just want to find out whats wrong so you two can fix it, there's nothing wrong with that. If something is bothering her so much then she needs to tell you, you can't read her mind. At least try to find a middle ground sexually if it is that difficult, that could help for a little while until you get the real core issue dealt with. There's no way around this, you two NEED to talk this out before it causes more problems. No arguing or pointing fingers, just talking.

All we do is talk. Talking does nothing. She knows how I feel.

 

[Xavier Cane]

Yes! It IS wrong for a husband to stop approaching his spouse for sex because she never approaches him. It doesn't necessarily mean she's not interested, it may well be that she wants you to lead so she can follow.

My wife is like that. She wants me to come up with ideas for exciting sex, and she usually gets into it fully, but she doesn't want to say "You know, it might be fun it we ____________". In a way this is odd, because she's a very capable, self-sufficient woman, but when it comes to sex, she wants me to lead.

If the two of you are having sex regularly, then she is meeting your needs, and doing that exclusively and specifically for you. Her initiating sex may be a desire of yours, but...give it a try. After all, how many guys have a wife who tries out new sex ideas?

Yes, we do have sex regularly, but it's not that simple. Your response surely makes me out to be a chore. I can get off on my own, I want her to take some action. I lead all the time, I'm tired. She shows no interest, so I should be the same way.

 

[Xavier Cane]

Been there, done that. Married over 30 years. I don't mean this to sound trite, but a lot of men would be thrilled to have a spouse that does not actively say no and refuse all the time. I just learned that one contribution that is my responsibility that I must make to our marriage is initiating things. The main times that this has been an issue is when I'm burned out and have no energy. I tried for many years to figure out what was "wrong" with my wife and how to "fix" it or to figure out what I was doing "wrong". Now that I have accepted that just seems to be the way my wife is wired, it's no longer the huge stumbling block for me it once was.

Early on, part of my frustration was that my manhood was tied up in feeling loved and desired sexually by my wife. Every time that waned, I felt less a man. God took me through some healing times and restoration where my masculinity and manhood were no longer tied to my wife's current mood towards me. Now, it's not that big a deal to me compared to what it once was.

Thanks, that helps. I hope I get there. I enjoy leading, and I know I should initiate, but Damn, help a brother out. If that's just how she is, then its best to just be single, and raise our kids apart.

I'm sure other guys would be thrilled, but I'm not at all thrilled.

 

[Xavier Cane]

It's not selfish, if she's withholding sexual intimacy, that is wholly unbiblical, 1 Corinthians 7:1-9. I advise talking to her and asking specifics. Sometimes women will hold out due to spite/unhappiness and this is not a healthy outlet. Speak to her and ask her about it directly. Try to patiently listen to her, if she has nothing conducive to say, perhaps you should seek marriage counseling. Marriage is a team effort and from the limited information, it sounds like she is not holding up her end. Marriage is a team effort, the onus is NEVER on one spouse entirely, to say otherwise is dishonest and not good advice. 1 Peter 3:1-7. Women are very sensitive and emotionally driven creatures. The things she finds romantic or significant may be largely different from what you find romantic/significant. It's the 'little things'. Most women don't really care what we have to say, they want to hear what THEY have to say, but in a deeper voice. I find that married men often forget that they are to be the head, not the woman. A marriage where the woman is the head is not biblical and will always lead to marriage issues later on in life.

I know I am the head, and the leader, which is why I take so much action in talking to her about this. But no one is listening to me when I say, we have talked about this extensively, and its always an argument.

 

[Xavier Cane]

Christian women often don't initiate sex because they have been taught (by the Christian community) that to do so is whorish behavior. We spending so many years being taught that "good girls say no" that we have a hard time changing gears when we get married. Nobody teaches girls that sex is a wonderful way to connect with your man and is a celebration of God's gift to a married couple. Society makes it worse by making it dirty in the media too. When we go through the time of raising children it is easy to get too tired and see sex as one more obligation and not a reward. I remember when my kids were small that I would often be completely "touched out" by the end of the day...and just wanted to scream..."nobody touch me again today...that went for hugs and kisses too". I was on sensory overload 24 hours a day it seemed.

So first of all, just because the guy always initiates it, doesn't mean that the woman finds it only to be a chore. She could just be of the mindset that "good Christian girls don't act like they want sex". Next, make it so that she doesn't have a million undone tasks when she goes to bed...or else, yes, we are multi-tasking in our head that we now have to get up 30 minutes earlier to make sure Bobby's gym clothes are clean before he goes to school. I know I couldn't relax and enjoy anything at night if I knew I had to face a sink of dirty dishes first thing in the morning. Nothing was a bigger turn off than noticing my husband went to bed and the kids were still playing in the living room or I'd come home late at night from some activity and not only were the kids still up, but they hadn't eaten yet (even if my husband had grazed all evening long). At that point, he was just one more child I was overseeing and not my equal partner.

I would recommend that you (not her) line up a babysitter (if the sitter is staying in your house, make sure the house is clean prior to the guest coming into it) and taking some time away from the kids to date for a whole weekend. Look for a Christian couples retreat where they actually help women remember that sex is good and to be enjoyed...and to have time to focus on loving you. Also, it would help you to learn how to bridge the gap and remind her that you still find her desirable and you love her.

Good luck with courting your bride back...

PS...Your pampering doesn't sound like you are giving it as unconditional gift but rather trying to pay for sex with your actions. If you love unconditionally, you aren't measuring how much you are getting in return. A backrub was a complete turn off it turned out that he was doing it to "buy" sex from me and not because he was just loving on me and recognized that I was stressed out.

Thanks a lot, much wisdom, but still, I've tried all of that. Retreats, babysitters, weekends away, we have done it all. I just want her to be interested more, take action. I do things for her all the time without looking for any payback or sexual rewards. None the less, it would be nice to get rewarded for making sure that she is not overwhelmed. The fact is, daily she is less and less desirable to me, and we are more like roomates. It's not like we have a bad marriage, it's just something I want, that is very simple, that she wont commit to. Whenever we had issues, and I was the problem, I fixed those things as quickly as I could. It's not fair to me. Not at all

 

[Xavier Cane]

If shes not really interested then she needs to remember what the bible says about sex in a marriage. Its not a "Optional thing when interested", its a gift. One that isn't supposed to be held back. I mean this doesn't mean anyone must have sex every single day. But it does mean your bodies belong to each other and you are to submit to the other when it comes to sex. Unless of course there is a legit reason like a period, sick....etc.

I can sort of understand your position your in. I do alot for my wife (well she works) and I do know making your spouse feel loved and when they feel loved they return the favor. But often she just doesn't want to have sex, even if shes feeling well. And it is frustrating. She does have pain issues in her female area sometimes, but even when she doesn't have any we don't seem to do anything. You do feel unloved after awhile like your fighting for her attention and your ignored.

Have you brought up the bible? Or is that what you argue about? Has she said why she doesn't offer sex? I know another issue if for some couples sex feels stale afterawhile. Like if you do the same exact style of sex every time, it can get boring. Maybe shes bored? Or maybe, and obviously this isn't meant to be mean sounding, but when you do have sex are you trying to "get her engine warmed up"? I know alot of times some men kind of get their fun out of sex and finish and the woman is still waiting for he to actually feel the joy of it too. Again not presuming thats the issue. Just throwing things out there.

Maybe theres something stressful going on shes not telling you about and its why shes never the one to initiate sex. It can be any number of issues. When you do have sex is she just "there" like as in "Do it and get it over with!" or does she enjoy it? I ask because I assume you mean she shows no interest as in she doesn't even care what happens when you do have sex. That would be frustrating too. I don't enjoy sex if my wife doesn't enjoy it. Who wants to make love to somenoe who sits there with a non-enjoyment look on their face.

What I do know for sure is this needs to be talked about/fixed because the divide will only become wider and this is how a couple turns into bitter enemies of each other and sometimes they separate. I know its probably awkward but you have to involve the pastor. Which I know is awkward but most pastors say sex is no an awkward issues to them because its Gods gift. The only awkward part is you tend to know the pastor well so its weird talking about your sex life. You can always talk to a pastor from another church.

Or maybe get couples counseling somewhere else. For now I'd continue to pray for strength and patience. Pray she will talk to you instead of arguing about it. For some they have to make ultimatums, which should never really happen but its sometimes you got no choice. Like "I love you dear but we can't continue to ignore/argue about sex. I'm honestly feeling hurt by you as if you don't care anymore about sex and its putting to much strain on the marriage and my emotions. I can't keep doing this! I think I need to go out for the weekend and have time to think!".

It may make her realize its becoming a deeper issue and needs to be addressed. Again this is the very last resort. And borders on blackmail/manipulation. Which is why I really don't like it. But in my midn its better then letting the marrige grow so bitter that one of you wants to leave the other for good to fix the problem.

Thanks

 

[Xavier Cane]

IF you are "pampering" and "making sure all of her needs are met" just so you can get some nookey time with her, you are being nothing but selfish. Whether she reciprocates or not is between her and God - NOT you.

Give everything and expect nothing in return. That is what you signed up for when you said YES to Jesus and when you said I Do to your wife.

You have valid points, however, you are wrong, its not what I signed up for when I said I do, I did not sign up to be ignored.

I do things because I love her, not to get something. You misunderstood the entire post.

 

[Xavier Cane]

If you love her and she loves you, try talking to her.

But what ever answers you get, you are married so make time for showing her that she is still special to you.
Start taking an interest in her at breakfast, be home early and spend time talking and more importantly listening to what she says. Women are influenced by romance so be as romantic as you can. Enjoy her company, court her again.

No can do. Too tired to even try. Besides, Ive done all that and more. I'm a die hard romancer.

 

[Xavier Cane]

and you think women have sex based on "sensible conclusions" made by other people?

plus he never said she was denying him sex, just that it wasn't the joyful coming together that married sex should be....

Finally someone who can read and comprehend. LOL

 

[blackribbon]

Thanks a lot, much wisdom, but still, I've tried all of that. Retreats, babysitters, weekends away, we have done it all. I just want her to be interested more, take action. I do things for her all the time without looking for any payback or sexual rewards. None the less, it would be nice to get rewarded for making sure that she is not overwhelmed. The fact is, daily she is less and less desirable to me, and we are more like roomates. It's not like we have a bad marriage, it's just something I want, that is very simple, that she wont commit to. Whenever we had issues, and I was the problem, I fixed those things as quickly as I could. It's not fair to me. Not at all

So many possibilities then.... depression...side effect of some med she is on...an unhealthy believe in sex...or as you suggested, an emotional affair so she is not available to you. I do think you need to go to marriage counseling, even if it is just you alone for a while and talk out the specifics.

I am sorry. I does sound like you are trying. However, it does remain part of your responsibility to find a way to not let the love die because it is so much harder to come back from. Maybe start keeping a journal of the things you definitely love about her (not the bad things) just so you have something to look at on the bad days while you work on this. Remember that you are the model that your children will base their beliefs on what a godly husband looks like. You don't want to model giving up when the going gets tough..which does not mean to minimize that the going does sound tough right now.

 

[Xavier Cane]

I know this is a private and sensitive matter, but I was thinking that since I do not have a literal church home (I hate organized church service), I might be able to find some good advice from everyday people, who I suspect know Christ. Besides, no one knows who I am or what I look like. I figured it was safer than FB.