What can I do to help

[skipper]

A friend of mine just lost her husband of a heart attack he was only 34. It happened saturday while he was hunting. They have a 6 year old little boy and a 8 year old little girl. They funeral is Wendseday. When I talked to her tonite she was a mess she begged me not to forget or be afraid to come around. She feels like when everything calms down and the people are gone she is going to be alone. I have never had a loss this great so besides just being there can you give me words of wisdom or expression to help her and the kids out. I do not want to make a burden of myself but Iam very very worried about her emotional state. Please help me to help her.

 

[CountryLady]

Hello skipper, the only thing I didn't have really was someone to talk to, someone to listen. I would just say to be a friend and let her talk and listen to her. I'm so sorry for her loss and for the children as well. It will be a hard difficult time for them all. Praying for them to find comfort and peace. I'm sure others will be here soon to give advice to help out as well. You have a caring heart to want to help your friend. God bless you.

 

[skipper]

thanks for the advice, but how soon do I call and check on her I don't want her to think Iam being a pest.

 

[Manna]

Wow, you sound like you're an awesome friend! I wish I'd had you around a year ago! =)

One thing that's important right now is that you just BE THERE. You don't have to say anything profound or do anything ultra-noble. She just needs someone there with her. Show up at her house after work with dinner (nothing huge, bring a few frozen pizzas over for the kids). I don't know if you've got family of your own or anything like that, but if you could do a couple "ladies nights" with her, that would be helpful. I can guess that the hardest time for her now will be at night, after the kids go to bed.

I'll be praying for you, her, the kids, and all involved! Keep us updated and don't hesitate to ask questions!!

 

[Manna]

thanks for the advice, but how soon do I call and check on her I don't want her to think Iam being a pest.

Didn't see this, sorry... You most likely will NOT be a pest right now. She needs to know that she's not alone. Don't try to say anything too important, honestly at this point, there's not much that you can actually say that will help her. Just listen to her (no matter how crazy she sounds), know that she's going to be okay (but don't say those words too often!), and tell her that you love her and you're there for her 24/7.

 

[robert adams]

Skipper,

When my wife died, I greatly feared being alone. My suggestion would be to bring warm meals to the family and just be available to talk.

My guess is that she feels totally numb and does not want to cook. That is just a male viewpoint. Also, you may be able to help with the kids, take them to a movie or something.

My biggest emotional challenge was to clean out my wife's clothes and belongings. You might ask your friend if she has any plans on what to do with his belongings. She may want you to help with that. I had to have friends do it for me. That was hard, so so very hard!

Bob

 

[robert adams]

I mistakenly posted twice - sorry - non copus mentis these days.

Bob

 

[McWilliams]

A friend of mine just lost her husband of a heart attack he was only 34. It happened saturday while he was hunting. They have a 6 year old little boy and a 8 year old little girl. They funeral is Wendseday. When I talked to her tonite she was a mess she begged me not to forget or be afraid to come around. She feels like when everything calms down and the people are gone she is going to be alone. I have never had a loss this great so besides just being there can you give me words of wisdom or expression to help her and the kids out. I do not want to make a burden of myself but Iam very very worried about her emotional state. Please help me to help her.

You know, I remember nothing of what was said to me during that time. What I most remember is that my friend was just there, hugging me at times, letting me talk, and talk and talk, and say whatever I needed to say, venting my feelings, my aloneness and fear!
Not to worry about finding that 'right' word to say! Its your presence and comfort that will be remembered and most appreciated in time to come.
There comes a time when you feel isolated, that people are now tired of hearing you talk about it. True friends know that you never lose that need to talk of your loss and allow you to do just that. You're willing to listen, without advising, thats a real friend!
God bless you in being such a caring friend!

 

[skipper]

Thank you all for your advise I think we are going to go up Saturday with movies and pizza for the kids. Someone said something in another post about scrapbooks I thought that might be a good Christmas gift for the kids this year do you think that that would be to much to soon

 

[robert adams]

Skipper,

Great idea, from my perspective. I think the kids would enjoy it. My kids (all grown) have suddenly become interested in family history. They have been going through old family photos. It is still a little tough on me, but I enjoy watching my kids look at old pictures and ask questions. I think the kids will love it. I would ask their mother first - which I know you are already planning to do. If they have alot of pictures packed away, ask if you can help get them down for the kids.

Bob

 

[skipper]

thank you went to Walmart and got them both scrapebook kits taking it with the pizza on Sunday after church

 

[CountryLady]

That's wonderful skipper! Your a great friend to them, God bless you.

 

[Bevlina]

A friend of mine just lost her husband of a heart attack he was only 34. It happened saturday while he was hunting. They have a 6 year old little boy and a 8 year old little girl. They funeral is Wendseday. When I talked to her tonite she was a mess she begged me not to forget or be afraid to come around. She feels like when everything calms down and the people are gone she is going to be alone. I have never had a loss this great so besides just being there can you give me words of wisdom or expression to help her and the kids out. I do not want to make a burden of myself but Iam very very worried about her emotional state. Please help me to help her.

Just ... love her.

 

[CjBabe]

Just losing my husband four months ago, certain words still take my breath away. As many others have said, just be there for her, let her know that whatever she feels is okay. There are many beautiful scriptures that may bring her peace to read, such as passages they may have read together.

After the funeral, when you have to be alone the first time, is horrible. When it is dark at night is the worst. However, there are many times I feel sorry for my friends because when they call too much I get frustrated because they don't give me enough time to be sad, but then when they don't call I worry they don't care he isn't here anymore. Being a friend is tough stuff now. Just stick by her, remind her you are here for her and love her as Jesus does. He will never leave us.

Your friend and her family will be in my prayers. You are such a special person to try to find ways to help her. God Bless you.

 

[CountryLady]

Hello skipper, I was wondering how your friend and her children are doing. Please let them know we are praying for them, thank you.

 

[Hisbygrace]

Skipper,

When my wife died, I greatly feared being alone. My suggestion would be to bring warm meals to the family and just be available to talk.

My guess is that she feels totally numb and does not want to cook. That is just a male viewpoint. Also, you may be able to help with the kids, take them to a movie or something.

My biggest emotional challenge was to clean out my wife's clothes and belongings. You might ask your friend if she has any plans on what to do with his belongings. She may want you to help with that. I had to have friends do it for me. That was hard, so so very hard!

Bob

That is really hard. It took me a year and a half to
clean out my husband's closet.

 

[skipper]

She is dealing best she can, she is sleeping on the couch can't bare to be in the bed they shared. We are going for dinner with the kids this week. She is trying to figure out the financle end of things. We talk several times a week. The children are still in denial they think he will be home for Christmas. Please keep her in your prayers.

 

[robert adams]

Skipper,

I think denial is a common mental defense. It is an interesting thing your mind can do. For example, your brain does not want to accept the loss so it imagines there was a mistake or mix-up and the loved one is still out there, somewhere. Many years ago, my 4 1/2 yr old son was hit and killed by a panel truck. I imagined for weeks that he was alive and recovering in the hospital but no one knew he was there. I think denial must be a cushion for our minds of some sort.

Bob in Texas

 

[Bevlina]

Denial seems to occur so much. Only in the last year I realised all the bed was mine.
Bob, that's terrible about your son being killed!! No wonder you have lost heart!
I believe denial is a cushion for the brain, it was ages before I could accept that I had to go forward alone. I kept hearing his voice, hearing him whistle and laugh until I thought I was going mad and had to have councelling.
I was told by the Councellors that this is common, but really, what the Councellors had to say wasn't sinking in and to be truthful I told them not to say anything to me unless they had experienced the same. So they sent someone who had experienced the loss of a husband and she helped pull me through.

 

[skipper]

She made it to church today, she had to make herself go for the children. She is questioning God, but her mind is open enough that she knows her children need to be in church.