TTC but no intimacy...

[sammy2244]

Hello,
I hope I'm posting in the right place.

My husband and I have started our TTC journey. However I truly do not want sex to become stressful or lack intimacy. For some time now, sex with my husband has been very underwhelming. Most of the time it's the same position and I do all the work for the both of us.

This makes it very taxing on myself and honestly I don't enjoy it. I view sex as a beautiful thing from God and I think it should reflect the love the spouses have for one another. We are very lovey dovey and are constantly cuddling but that's where it stops. Because we are trying to enter a new chapter of our lives and are trying to start a family, I had hoped this would bring some intimacy and enjoyment into the marriage bed but it has been this way for the past 2 years. I'm not sure how to bring it up in conversation with my husband. I want to be respectful and don't want him to feel bad. However I've already started dreading sex with him which makes me feel like a horrible wife.

Does anyone have advice on how I should approach this in a gentle way? What should I do?

 

[Maria Billingsley]

Hello,
I hope I'm posting in the right place.

My husband and I have started our TTC journey. However I truly do not want sex to become stressful or lack intimacy. For some time now, sex with my husband has been very underwhelming. Most of the time it's the same position and I do all the work for the both of us.

This makes it very taxing on myself and honestly I don't enjoy it. I view sex as a beautiful thing from God and I think it should reflect the love the spouses have for one another. We are very lovey dovey and are constantly cuddling but that's where it stops. Because we are trying to enter a new chapter of our lives and are trying to start a family, I had hoped this would bring some intimacy and enjoyment into the marriage bed but it has been this way for the past 2 years. I'm not sure how to bring it up in conversation with my husband. I want to be respectful and don't want him to feel bad. However I've already started dreading sex with him which makes me feel like a horrible wife.

Does anyone have advice on how I should approach this in a gentle way? What should I do?

Welcome to CF. It appears you have been stressed for a while. It's time to be honest with yourself and your husband and unfortunately, there is no gentle way to say " I dread sex with you" so you have a choice to make. Continue as you have been, hiding your frustration, or have a conversation about your needs in the marriage bed with your husband. You have already revealed your feelings on this forum, now it's time to give him the respect you say he deserves and reveal this to him.
Be blessed.

 

[Suzanne_L]

Hello,
I hope I'm posting in the right place.

My husband and I have started our TTC journey. However I truly do not want sex to become stressful or lack intimacy. For some time now, sex with my husband has been very underwhelming. Most of the time it's the same position and I do all the work for the both of us.

This makes it very taxing on myself and honestly I don't enjoy it. I view sex as a beautiful thing from God and I think it should reflect the love the spouses have for one another. We are very lovey dovey and are constantly cuddling but that's where it stops. Because we are trying to enter a new chapter of our lives and are trying to start a family, I had hoped this would bring some intimacy and enjoyment into the marriage bed but it has been this way for the past 2 years. I'm not sure how to bring it up in conversation with my husband. I want to be respectful and don't want him to feel bad. However I've already started dreading sex with him which makes me feel like a horrible wife.

Does anyone have advice on how I should approach this in a gentle way? What should I do?

Sounds like he’s not into it, either. But how wonderful that you all cuddle and are affectionate otherwise!! So many married folks forget how to do that or take it for granted.

I’m assuming he’s not into porn or was sexually abused. Those can be dampers to sex with a wife. (Each addressed differently of course with counseling or healing prayer.)

Our American diet can also mess with a man’s hormones and make him estrogen dominant. Being overweight can cause this but that’s not always true about men with this issue. Aside from the other issues, estrogen dominance can cause infertility and lack of libido.

So I see your problem as one you could face together and pray together or separately about. It’s not “I’m not liking sex with you” (ouch!!) but “I’m having trouble getting excited about sex lately. I’d like to enjoy this more together. Let’s look into what’s going on. How are you feeling about it?”

As mentioned above, There may be a physical reason he’s not passionate about sex. As a stop gap (before looking into have a sex hormone panel done), you could look into topical or OTC natural treatments (usually in capsule form) that increase libido. If you don’t want to order online, supplement stores such as the Vitamin Shoppe have supplies and don’t tend to be slimy like a sex toy store. For women look for a topical that has the amino acid L-Argenine and menthol. It may promise a climax but even if it just makes sex more tolerable, it will help some physically and emotionally.

As far as TTC, his much have you researched about women’s fertility window? It’s only about a week at best for most women. (A few teens and perimenopausal women would have more times in a month due to hormone irregularities.)

You probably already know how to read your fertility signs (and know when the window has passed due to basal body temperature changes). If not, that info could free you from thinking you have to “do it” all the time to get pregnant.

If you have sex twice a week during that fertile time, you are likely good to go. If that doesn’t work in a few months, go up to every other day. Then during the rest of the month, aim for still having sex, but maybe just once a week. I will say, however, that more often will help you dread it less. For conception purposes, Maybe at least once a week to keep his sperm count up.

Every Woman’s Battle by Eldridge (written by John’s wife) has some good advice. She suggests praying during sex (especially if it’s lame) and thanking God for the good things about your husband. I speak from experience that this is much more positive and leaves me feeling happier than thinking about the boredom or wishing I could get on to the next activity.

Best wishes in your journey! If you aren’t familiar with the things I mentioned, I hope you will research (I didn’t want to overexplain.) Hope there’s a baby soon and that on the way, you guys figure out how to make sex happy experience again.