Thought I'd introduce myself, and my struggles

[Pink_Lady]

Hi everyone. Just thought I'd introduce myself. My husband and I are both 25. We stopped preventing about 16 months ago, and got more active with ttc last May 2010. Obviously no pregnancy.

I'm the type that needs to know what's going on with my body, so I often test from 8 days past ovulation onto when I get my period. There were some instances where I'd get a very faintly positive, followed by negative, and then my period. I don't know if they're faulty tests, or something was trying to happen, but didn't quite take. I've always had problems with short luteal phases, and somewhat irregular cycles. I often bleed lightly--this cycle for a week straight--during ovulation.

I did see an OBGYN a couple months ago, and she basically blew me off, said it sounds like I could be conceiving, but they're not sticking, but since I can conceive, it's a good sign, and to come back in 6 more months if I'm not pregnant. And she told me to stop exercising, and even took alarm to the fact that with my job, I'm on my feet for 8 hours at a time.

I have the number to the specialist in my area, who can do the testing and treatment. The thing is, my insurance covers nothing. My husband's insurance (he just started a new job) doesn't kick in until October. They won't just give me clomid--they want to monitor me a lot, which means thousands of $$ per cycle (not sure what yet, I'm in the process of checking this out).

The emotional/spiritual process of ttc has been the worst for me. I see SO many women getting pg and having babies. I just found out on fb my husband's cousin, who is so mean to people and obviously not Christian, is expecting her 2nd. A friend had a baby girl yesterday. My husband's other cousin is having a baby shower she wants me to go to (but I won't). I can't take it. It's everywhere! I don't know if I want to scream in anger or cry. I've gone through so many struggles in my life, from childhood abuse, to bulimia, to depression--is God going to allow something to be easy for me? All I want is a beautiful child I can raise in the Lord. But He's not allowing me to have a child, and my faith is waning fast. I find myself angry at Him a lot. I'm angry at women that can conceive easily. I find myself cutting off people that are pg or have young children--it's just way too emotionally painful for me. I don't want to be a hermit, but I see happy families everywhere! It hurts me so much.

The worst is that God not only won't give me a child, but He won't even give me answers! I just want a ballpark answer of when. Silence. I even went off the deep end and tried to contact a psychic--God closed that door to me by not allowing me to get through. I hate to be like this, but I'm so tempted to go through sinful channels to find answers, since God won't give me any.

It's just not fair! And I see happy families everywhere! It just rubs salt in my wound. And the worst is the uncertainty. When? How long? If? What if it's just not in God's plan? I cannot accept that. When I think of that, I become so depressed. I literally just lie around some days.

Please pray that I conceive soon, or at least find out answers. I would do anything for a child, but feel every door is being closed for me now. I can't conceive, yet can't afford to pay the thousands of $$ each cycle for testing and treatment. And I have no access to answers. And I just cannot see my life having purpose without children.

Please help.

 

[Aibrean]

My cousin has been trying for YEARS (like 5+). They were told they couldn't conceive and then she adopted. After she finished the finalization of the adoption of baby #2 from China, she found out she was pregnant. So now she's going to have baby #2 and #3 at about the same time.

With irregular cycles, you could have a reproductive issue (PCOS, endometriosis, etc). They should do an TV ultrasound.

My gyno told me to have sex every other day and not worry about charting because with my issues it's rather pointless.

Regardless - it seems as natural conception is your only option you have realized since you think God closed the door on you. That's not the only way to have a child (IVF, surrogacy - of course I have some moral issues with surrogacy). Adoption is also a beautiful thing (Asian toddlers are ADORABLE).

 

[anxiouslywaiting2]

I'm new to this website and your story is the first I've read but it sounds like I could have written it myself. My husband and I have been trying for almost 2 1/2 years. We do have a daughter together but we are dying for more. I couldn't believe when I read what u said about having positive test then neg. and then periods because I have gone through the same things many times. My infertility doc however told me that he thinks they are defective test. I know from experience nothing anyone tells you will make u feel better. And hearing," it will happen when it's meant to," almost makes things worse. I just recently stopped praying for it to happen and just started praying for the strength to get through every month. And this is the first month I haven't had a mental break down after seeing yet another negative result. It angers me seeing women having 5 babies by 5 men and still in the clubs drinking and parting. It doesn't seem fair. Just keep praying and try not to lose hope and faith. I was once told that god puts it in our hearts to have kids and when he does he is getting that child ready for you. He or she may not come from ur body but that child is made for you. We are heavily considering adopting. The only thing holding us back right now is the funds. My husband is military so our insurance covers fertility treatments but I have put my body thru so much the past 8 months with all these medications and procedures and none have help yet. All we can do is pray and keep faith that we will be blessed with a child someway. I'll pray for you!

 

[klatyla]

Gods timing is divine and for you to have the desire for a child is only from God, therefore Praise God and thank him for your child, already know that you have a child, like Abraham and Sarah, (although Sarah found it quite hilarious), Abraham believed for years and years and years and in GODS time it came to pass. And then God asks Abraham to sacrifice his son, and Abraham DOES. Wow, Abraham would have a faith in God like no other to go to this extent in his faith, where even his own flesh and blood he would sacrifice to God, it showed a love and faith for God that God wants us to have, even in times like this.

In all the years Abraham and Sarah waited on the Lord, God would of shown his favour upon Abrahams life, to bring him through trials and tribulations which could only account for a faith such as his.

Frustration for me is a sign that I am trying to do things in my own strength.

Impatient for me is when I am becoming too anxious about something.

That is when I know God is doing something with me, teaching me something, and therefore I ask him, show me then Lord, what is it that I need to learn, and then when I receive the revelation then I am at peace and know that God meant for this for me to grow in him not without him and then a new season begins.

Rest in him, Know and Praise God for your child, Praise God for his timing is perfect, Praise God for he knows what we need, Praise God for he is God!!!! Amen

Children are gifts from God, not from man.

 

[Spirit_Star]

Well I hope the best for you too. I will keep you in my prayers. I know its tough but God knows all, if he is waiting to bless you with child he must have a reason. It is hard to have patients when we want something so badly but we must remember babies come when they are meant too. My brother and SIL tried for 5 ½ years for their second kid, they ended up having to use a donor egg/SIL carried him. It is unfair some people conceive so easily while other folks have such a hard time doing so. Then they are some that may conceive easy once but not again. My brother and SIL conceived within 6 months with their first son but then as said had serious trouble. In fact the doctor said it was a miracle that they were even able to have their first child, as my SIL eggs turned out to not be very good.

I will say I think if someone has desire to be a parent that god put that in their hearts. That they will eventually be a parent in some way whether to a biological child, adopted child or a foster child.

Keep in spirit that you are only 25 you have plenty of good years left to bear child.

 

[Just4Jesus]

Hi everyone. Just thought I'd introduce myself. My husband and I are both 25. We stopped preventing about 16 months ago, and got more active with ttc last May 2010. Obviously no pregnancy.

I'm the type that needs to know what's going on with my body, so I often test from 8 days past ovulation onto when I get my period. There were some instances where I'd get a very faintly positive, followed by negative, and then my period. I don't know if they're faulty tests, or something was trying to happen, but didn't quite take. I've always had problems with short luteal phases, and somewhat irregular cycles. I often bleed lightly--this cycle for a week straight--during ovulation.

I did see an OBGYN a couple months ago, and she basically blew me off, said it sounds like I could be conceiving, but they're not sticking, but since I can conceive, it's a good sign, and to come back in 6 more months if I'm not pregnant. And she told me to stop exercising, and even took alarm to the fact that with my job, I'm on my feet for 8 hours at a time.

I have the number to the specialist in my area, who can do the testing and treatment. The thing is, my insurance covers nothing. My husband's insurance (he just started a new job) doesn't kick in until October. They won't just give me clomid--they want to monitor me a lot, which means thousands of $$ per cycle (not sure what yet, I'm in the process of checking this out).

The emotional/spiritual process of ttc has been the worst for me. I see SO many women getting pg and having babies. I just found out on fb my husband's cousin, who is so mean to people and obviously not Christian, is expecting her 2nd. A friend had a baby girl yesterday. My husband's other cousin is having a baby shower she wants me to go to (but I won't). I can't take it. It's everywhere! I don't know if I want to scream in anger or cry. I've gone through so many struggles in my life, from childhood abuse, to bulimia, to depression--is God going to allow something to be easy for me? All I want is a beautiful child I can raise in the Lord. But He's not allowing me to have a child, and my faith is waning fast. I find myself angry at Him a lot. I'm angry at women that can conceive easily. I find myself cutting off people that are pg or have young children--it's just way too emotionally painful for me. I don't want to be a hermit, but I see happy families everywhere! It hurts me so much.

The worst is that God not only won't give me a child, but He won't even give me answers! I just want a ballpark answer of when. Silence. I even went off the deep end and tried to contact a psychic--God closed that door to me by not allowing me to get through. I hate to be like this, but I'm so tempted to go through sinful channels to find answers, since God won't give me any.

It's just not fair! And I see happy families everywhere! It just rubs salt in my wound. And the worst is the uncertainty. When? How long? If? What if it's just not in God's plan? I cannot accept that. When I think of that, I become so depressed. I literally just lie around some days.

Please pray that I conceive soon, or at least find out answers. I would do anything for a child, but feel every door is being closed for me now. I can't conceive, yet can't afford to pay the thousands of $$ each cycle for testing and treatment. And I have no access to answers. And I just cannot see my life having purpose without children.

Please help.

this is so sad, you are in my prayers. Praying you conceive soon

 

[Pink_Lady]

I wanted to thank everyone for your thoughtful, heartfelt prayers. I am in a much more positive, peaceful place than I am now. My husband now has a good-paying job with good insurance that starts in July. My insurance goes until end of August, and I just found out that it covers fertility testing (but not treatment). We also got a huge tax return we're planning on putting toward treatment (specialist says from the looks of it I have poor quality ovulation and short luteal phase/low progesterone, and clomid will be the likely first choice). I feel much more positive, like doors are being opened, and I just had some fertility blood tests I'm waiting for the results on. Part of me still has this fear of what if treatments don't work, what if we can't afford the more technical treatments or adoption, what if the door is closed to adoption because of my husband's disability, etc. But God gently tells me to stop that downward spiral and just trust. In hindsight, other things in my past that I thought were turmoil at the time (my abuse growing up), God was able to bring some wonderful blessings (closer to friends and DH, and ultimately taught me the lesson of forgiveness) from it. I'm trusting that this ttc will make sense someday too. Once again, thank you so much to everyone for their encouraging words, and God Bless!

 

[Aibrean]

I found out it took my cousin 8 years (that's how long they've been married). They conceived naturally. Also, both of them couldn't adopt in the states because they have asthma. That didn't prevent them from adopting a child from overseas.

 

[Pink_Lady]

They couldn't adopt because they have asthma?! That is ridiculous in my opinion, wow. You don't need the picture-perfect health to be a parent, nor do you need lots of $$ (always bothered me how expensive fertility tests/treatment and adoption are), you need love to give and God in your life. My husband's problem is that he had PKU (google it if you want--it can cause brain damage, and my husband has had a mild case of developmental delays growing up because of it). I'm glad to hear your cousin got her long-awaited for blessing. I totally believe that where people set up barriers (making adoption hard because of a medical condition, high prices, etc.), God intervenes.

 

[Aibrean]

Yea, they live in Illinois and they were denied a US adoption because they both have asthma. That's why they had to adopt from China.

Still - it did take 8 years to have a baby so don't give up after a few years. It's so cute because when they told their oldest, Matthew, he said "are we going to go to China?" because he thought that was where babies come from (since Luke, the other adoption has arrived).

 

[Pink_Lady]

Aibrean--wow, how cute, China is where babies come from?

Update--I'm starting a monitored clomid cycle when I get my period (should be middle of May), and taking the hcg shot to trigger ovulation (since, with my multiple positive OPKs it seems my body isn't responding to LH like it should, or having trouble ovulating), and progesterone in my luteal phase. This, along with the ultrasounds, costs a lot of $$. Makes me a little nervous, but DH and I feel God is saying "Go for it." He's set this up what in my opinion seems wonderful. I'm done with my school and internship, and will be working my night job. I have decided not to start work in my field (counseling) until mid to late June--I need the time to regroup (working, internship, and school at the same time was not easy). I will likely need to travel an hour for my job when I get it. This leaves my mornings wide open for mid May through June--mornings are when they do all the testing, ultrasounds, etc. $1,000 is a lot for DH in such a short amount of time, but we feel it's right. One prayer was answered today even. I felt at my last appointment that my doctor did not take me seriously, and feared she wouldn't want to move forward with treatement right away--but I'm desparate to try something. I prayed for God's presence in our meeting, and she came across to me as very knowledgable, careful, and passionate about what she does-and she's getting me started on treatment right away. Praise God! Please pray for my faith though--even though God is showing me signs that this is how he wants us to progress, I still struggle in my faith that I'll wind up hitting a wall, in disaster.

 

[Pink_Lady]

I thought I'd update everyone. I'm 6 1/2 week pregnant. I was waiting for my period, so I could start clomid, and it never came. Praise be to God! He let me conceive, even though my luteal phase defect made it unlikely. Oh, and I got the results of my progesterone test in early pregnancy as well--normal! I truly believe God Himself healed me. He healed me despite my lack of faith. The sad thing is, now I live with this persistent fear of miscarriage--I look at every sign as a sign a miscarriage will happen--the fact that I don't have morning sickness, the fact that today my bb's are not as sore as they once were, etc. I don't like feeling like this--this is supposed to be a happy time. Please pray for 1) God's protection of my baby, and 2) stronger faith in Him. I feel so horrible for still struggling in my faith despite the fact He's proven to me He is faithful.