Joanne,
Thank you for asking how I touched my family's lives with tenderness and love. I never thought of that looking at that aspect of my healing.
First, I made amends to each of them. I acknowledged what I did, and did not make excuses, or blame anyone but myself. My therapist helped me see that I was very damaged when I entered my marriage at the age of 18, and had no skills in coping with my feelings that were raging inside of me.
For my children, I spend quality time with each of them, trying to minister to them based on their personalities and interests. For my youngest, I try to encourage him in his studies, and give him space to make the mistakes he makes. For my daughter, and her children, I try to visit them as much as possible. (They live 12 hours away by car.) When I visit them, I babysit so they can go to work, because my son-in-law has been a "Mr. Mom." I also do a lot of chores for my daughter, because she grew up in my sloppy home where I never cleaned, she is a neat freak, understandably so. For my older son, we both love the Philadelphia Phillies, so we go to games together, and discuss the team regularly. For their birthdays, I try to give personal gifts that show my knowledge of their interests and needs.
For my ex, that was a challenge. At first, I was hoping we would reconcile. Then, he got married, and I wanted nothing to do with him, or his wife. It was not bitterness, but shame. I feared my children would prefer her to me, because she did not have mental health issues. Nor, was she an alcoholic, or morbidly obese, like I was.
When my daughter was pregnant with our first grandchild, she insisted that I invite her stepmother to the shower. That was when I first met her. Eventually, we started seeing each other at other family occassions. When my kids are in town, they stay with Dad and Rosa too, because I live in a small apartment. Rosa welcomes me and invites me to dinner, and to visit and play with my preschool grandchildren, so that my daughter does not have to drag the Munchkins 30 minutes to my apartment everyday.
I minister to them by first, making amends with them, apologizing for the wrong I did in the past. I pray for them, and talk with them. Just this past weekend, I sat with them, and my children and grandchildren, at a family wedding, and we had a good time. When Rosa's son developed a drug problem, she called me for help in getting her son treatment. In addition to my experience with my younger son, and myself needing treatment at some point, I also have a Masters in Social Work, and have worked in treatment facilities and psychiatric hospitals.
I hope this is what you were looking for.
Hugs,
Trish