Single

[Jacob Teate]

First I would like to intoduce myself. My name is Jacob. And I came here because I don’t know what else. Every time I talk to friends about how I feel, they unknowingly make me feel worse, or more angry.

I’m somewhat young, 31 and I am single. I can honestly say I don’t like it. In fact has the years have gone by I hate it. I know that we are suppose to see singleness as a blessing. But I don’t anymore.

I have been single most of my life with 2 relationships that ended badly. And I know a lot about God in my head. But my heart doesn’t seem to get it anymore. My love life feels like a joke, I’ve been told the same thing my entire life by girls. “You’re an amazing guy but you’re just not right for me.” I feel like giving up on the idea.

So here comes the meat of my issue. I am angry at God, I’m angry at the girls that have hurt me. I flat out so angry that I don’t like myself right now. I have prayed and prayed and prayed... prayer feels empty, words of encouragement feel empty, God’s words feel empty. I have started seeing a therapist because I feel broken, I feel like there has to be something wrong with me. Why do I not deserve to find someone? (In my head I know I shouldn’t feel this way.) The worst part of it is the confusion... I know there’s faith involved. But something... some idea that all this pain, and angry will eventually lead to “life abundantly.”

Sorry for the long post.

 

[tdidymas]

First I would like to intoduce myself. My name is Jacob. And I came here because I don’t know what else. Every time I talk to friends about how I feel, they unknowingly make me feel worse, or more angry.

I’m somewhat young, 31 and I am single. I can honestly say I don’t like it. In fact has the years have gone by I hate it. I know that we are suppose to see singleness as a blessing. But I don’t anymore.

I have been single most of my life with 2 relationships that ended badly. And I know a lot about God in my head. But my heart doesn’t seem to get it anymore. My love life feels like a joke, I’ve been told the same thing my entire life by girls. “You’re an amazing guy but you’re just not right for me.” I feel like giving up on the idea.

So here comes the meat of my issue. I am angry at God, I’m angry at the girls that have hurt me. I flat out so angry that I don’t like myself right now. I have prayed and prayed and prayed... prayer feels empty, words of encouragement feel empty, God’s words feel empty. I have started seeing a therapist because I feel broken, I feel like there has to be something wrong with me. Why do I not deserve to find someone? (In my head I know I shouldn’t feel this way.) The worst part of it is the confusion... I know there’s faith involved. But something... some idea that all this pain, and angry will eventually lead to “life abundantly.”

Sorry for the long post.

I definitely feel for you. I have been single all my life, and I am now 63 years old, and have so much lost all hope of starting a family that I have no desire for it any more. In hindsight, I'm not even sure that such a life was for me anyway, as I have had to deal with many serious issues in my life almost any of which might have been grounds for a divorce. It may sound funny, but I identify with the Goldblum character in Jurassic Park who said "I'm looking for my future ex-wife."

Some years ago I had a singles pastor who used to say "stop the hunt." Although it was very difficult to do, I saw the wisdom in it. As long as I was searching for that potential ex, the loneliness got the best of me. I'm very much happier today now that I'm not looking. It has forced me to focus on my relationship with God and seek the satisfaction I need from that relationship. Now most of my satisfaction comes from serving God's people in whatever way is presented to me.
TD

 

[Jacob Teate]

I definitely feel for you. I have been single all my life, and I am now 63 years old, and have so much lost all hope of starting a family that I have no desire for it any more. In hindsight, I'm not even sure that such a life was for me anyway, as I have had to deal with many serious issues in my life almost any of which might have been grounds for a divorce. It may sound funny, but I identify with the Goldblum character in Jurassic Park who said "I'm looking for my future ex-wife."

Some years ago I had a singles pastor who used to say "stop the hunt." Although it was very difficult to do, I saw the wisdom in it. As long as I was searching for that potential ex, the loneliness got the best of me. I'm very much happier today now that I'm not looking. It has forced me to focus on my relationship with God and seek the satisfaction I need from that relationship. Now most of my satisfaction comes from serving God's people in whatever way is presented to me.
TD

So last two years it wasn’t so bad, I was for the first time at least content being single. But I had at least some of my friends with me. Now again I am the only one single, my friends don’t have time for me, and I am just tired of this. I can’t even pray without getting angry. Again the confusion is what hurts the most. I don’t understand, I don’t get why I have such a huge desire to get married. Just to watch all my friends get married. (I am happy for them, but I can’t hang out with them anymore cause I’m sick of the questions about my “still being single, and when’s your turn.” If I only knew!) I miss not waking up angry, I miss enjoyment in things. I’m scared that I will never get married. And right now... I wouldn’t doubt it. My attitude sucks, and one of the most important things confidence, I have zero.

 

[tdidymas]

So last two years it wasn’t so bad, I was for the first time at least content being single. But I had at least some of my friends with me. Now again I am the only one single, my friends don’t have time for me, and I am just tired of this. I can’t even pray without getting angry. Again the confusion is what hurts the most. I don’t understand, I don’t get why I have such a huge desire to get married. Just to watch all my friends get married. (I am happy for them, but I can’t hang out with them anymore cause I’m sick of the questions about my “still being single, and when’s your turn.” If I only knew!) I miss not waking up angry, I miss enjoyment in things. I’m scared that I will never get married. And right now... I wouldn’t doubt it. My attitude sucks, and one of the most important things confidence, I have zero.

It sounds to me that you are failing to rely on God to provide the best circumstances for you. Somewhere in the NT it says "to Him who can do abundantly above all that we can ask or think..." It tells me that God is trustworthy. He knows the best for me, whether I see it being the best or not. It's partly about my surrender to the will of God, whatever that might look like for me. I recommend that you put confidence in God's ability to provide what He deems best for you. I'm not saying that you can't keep looking, but at least try to put it on the back burner so to speak. Many of the OT saints married late in life. My oldest brother was 57 when he got married (a 2nd time) and started having children. God just might be saving the best for last in your case.

"No good thing will He withhold for those who walk uprightly." "Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength..."
TD

 

[Jacob Teate]

I agree, again I know all of this in my head.
But I have lost hope, I have no confidence, my faith in this is gone.
That’s why I’m so angry. I have trouble sleeping.
Just today, my Sunday school was all about marriage. (Doesn’t help right now)
Someone asking me how I’m putting the lesson in to practice (single most of my life.) I’ve literally had 2 relationships. Lasting 14 months altogether.
I’m just tired of being single. I don’t know what to do.
The anger has affected my workouts, it affects other goals.

 

[mukk_in]

First I would like to intoduce myself. My name is Jacob. And I came here because I don’t know what else. Every time I talk to friends about how I feel, they unknowingly make me feel worse, or more angry.

I’m somewhat young, 31 and I am single. I can honestly say I don’t like it. In fact has the years have gone by I hate it. I know that we are suppose to see singleness as a blessing. But I don’t anymore.

I have been single most of my life with 2 relationships that ended badly. And I know a lot about God in my head. But my heart doesn’t seem to get it anymore. My love life feels like a joke, I’ve been told the same thing my entire life by girls. “You’re an amazing guy but you’re just not right for me.” I feel like giving up on the idea.

So here comes the meat of my issue. I am angry at God, I’m angry at the girls that have hurt me. I flat out so angry that I don’t like myself right now. I have prayed and prayed and prayed... prayer feels empty, words of encouragement feel empty, God’s words feel empty. I have started seeing a therapist because I feel broken, I feel like there has to be something wrong with me. Why do I not deserve to find someone? (In my head I know I shouldn’t feel this way.) The worst part of it is the confusion... I know there’s faith involved. But something... some idea that all this pain, and angry will eventually lead to “life abundantly.”

Sorry for the long post.

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way Jacob. You probably just ran into the wrong kind of girls. I'll pray the God will lead a godly girl into your life. I'm still single, but may marry in the future (God willing). I understand that you're mad at God, but He loves you anyway. May I suggest this scripture: "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you." Peace in Christ .

 

[Stabat Mater dolorosa]

Stop idolozing a relationship and a marriage. Remember there are far more bad marriages than there are good ones anyway. Besides remember the pros about being single too, think about it for a while and you see what Im saying

Im celibate and there are moments Id really like a wife, but then again Im sure if I had been married Id really liked being single again at times so I guess it goes both ways.
Celibacy is a gift and a blessing imho.

 

[tdidymas]

I agree, again I know all of this in my head.
But I have lost hope, I have no confidence, my faith in this is gone.
That’s why I’m so angry. I have trouble sleeping.
Just today, my Sunday school was all about marriage. (Doesn’t help right now)
Someone asking me how I’m putting the lesson in to practice (single most of my life.) I’ve literally had 2 relationships. Lasting 14 months altogether.
I’m just tired of being single. I don’t know what to do.
The anger has affected my workouts, it affects other goals.

Sunday school was all about marriage

I really do identify with this one. In the past I used to listen to a certain pastor on the radio, but he started going through a series on marriage. I listened for many sessions, but when I considered that much of what was being said didn't apply to me, I got so sick of it that I completely stopped listening to him. I decided that hearing that subject was making me psychologically sick.

Conversely, there is something legitimate about preparing yourself for a marriage relationship, if your preparation is spiritually sound. The more you mature spiritually and emotionally, the better prepared you will be to start and maintain a good relationship. Marriage is not my experience, but friendships are. I once heard that if you can live alone with yourself (having no obsessive need for a woman), then you are ready to have that kind of relationship. The idea is to have God as your #1 and a woman as your #2 (in priority).

I used to be a very lonely and clingy person psychologically, and this made my relationships doomed to failure. The last few times I dated, I found out that they had habits I just couldn't live with, and looked at myself at my own habits, and concluded that I had habits that they probably couldn't live with. I then decided that I would wait (for the rest of my life, if necessary) and let God bring one to me who I could accept long-term. Perhaps my standard was unreachable, I may not know in this life.

I have learned things about myself (that needed change) over the years. One time I dated a woman (when I was about 23) for some weeks. I thought at the time that I was "falling in love." I then saw her flirting with another guy, and it felt like being stabbed in the gut. I then realized that I had romantic feelings for her because she flirted with me. It turned out she flirted with just any guy who would flirt with her. My vanity balloon got busted. I never fell for that trick again. Sometimes hurts can result in a better life condition.
TD

 

[Jacob Teate]

Stop idolozing a relationship and a marriage. Remember there are far more bad marriages than there are good ones anyway. Besides remember the pros about being single too, think about it for a while and you see what Im saying

Im celibate and there are moments Id really like a wife, but then again Im sure if I had been married Id really liked being single again at times so I guess it goes both ways.
Celibacy is a gift and a blessing imho.

Honestly, I have gotten to the point. I just don’t enjoy it anymore. I used too, and both my relationships came from the church.
I don’t see positives anymore. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, I know I shouldn’t feel angry toward God. I have prayed about this so much, for a long time. I just stopped I stopped believing in the power of prayer.
I started praying for a least understanding, still nothing. I feel forgotten, I have seen all my friends get married. I was a part of those weddings. Life here is short, and I don’t want to spend it angry and confused.

 

[Stabat Mater dolorosa]

Honestly, I have gotten to the point. I just don’t enjoy it anymore. I used too, and both my relationships came from the church.
I don’t see positives anymore. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, I know I shouldn’t feel angry toward God. I have prayed about this so much, for a long time. I just stopped I stopped believing in the power of prayer.
I started praying for a least understanding, still nothing. I feel forgotten, I have seen all my friends get married. I was a part of those weddings. Life here is short, and I don’t want to spend it angry and confused.

Perhaps you should seek to serve God as unmarried? You say you dont feel that God care about you, but perhaps youve already got your answer? It doesnt nessecerily mean its the answer you were hoping to get.

 

[Jacob Teate]

Perhaps you should seek to serve God as unmarried? You say you dont feel that God care about you, but perhaps youve already got your answer? It doesnt nessecerily mean its the answer you were hoping to get.

I do serve him, I work with the youth group. Before stuff happened at my old church I was a board member. I worked and played in a Softball ministry.
I had heard almost everything when it comes to being single. I workout, I have a good career, I have my own place, I am studying to become a personal trainer, I am very open about my faith, heck I’m still a virgin.
Everyone says how they don’t get it. I don’t understand either.
I get my life together, I hear... maybe having your life together is intimidating. Like it’s so annoying! I have taken pastors advise, I’ve taken peoples advice. Yet here I am the third wheel all the time!
All I would like right how, is an understanding of why? Why give me a strong Godly desire and have it unfulfilled?
I can’t get a date! And like I don’t want to make more friends, cause I don’t want to be a part of anymore weddings. It’s shoved in my face all the time. All my friends are married and have kids. (Happy for them.) but I miss my friends.
I have also gotten to the point where I feel like I have to be perfect.
And the more people say things like you have a lot of good things going for you. The more frustrated I get. The more angry and confused I get.
I don’t know how to get out of this.

 

[jovanovic]

Stop idolozing a relationship and a marriage. Remember there are far more bad marriages than there are good ones anyway. Besides remember the pros about being single too, think about it for a while and you see what Im saying

Im celibate and there are moments Id really like a wife, but then again Im sure if I had been married Id really liked being single again at times so I guess it goes both ways.
Celibacy is a gift and a blessing imho.

some people want a wife , some dont. the vast majority of guys will have a gf/wife in their life.

 

[Stabat Mater dolorosa]

some people want a wife , some dont. the vast majority of guys will have a gf/wife in their life.

Be that as it may. I believe ones better off looking at ones glass as half full rather than half empty however.
Staying angry at God , yourself and everyone in general doesnt benefit anyone nor does it improve your chances with the ladies.

Relax and see the good things. I know often women are stressing insanely about marriage and kids just to seemingly not to ever have some. Then as soon as they lower their shoulders they meet mr handsome.

Chill is my advice. If you reek of desparation id guess most ladies find that rather of putting.

(I went from answering the quote to answering the OP btw. Pay notice and it will make sense.)

 

[NurseAbigail]

I think the feelings won't go away, and I know how it feels, that feeling like something is wrong with you, as if another person is supposed to complete you. And no matter how hard you pray, there seems to be no one in the horizon. And people around you seem to elevate their marriage status, almost pressuring you that this is how life is supposed to be. But as I sought out God, I realized that all these desires were my desires, and it was starting to consume me. It took away my peace, and I lost motivation in life, funny how one thing can spoil everything. But in Scriptures, I saw how God loves, many times we see people rush into things and the consequences were ugly. But those who learned how to simply leave their desires in God's hand, how He provided so abundantly. I begun to request for God to grant me His desires instead of mines. And daily, I just offer Him my desire for a husband. Perhaps you are in a season where God is strengthening you, preparing you to be whole, in this season He has to literally strip you off things you are hoping on that are temporary, He is bringing you closer to Him and training you to keep your eyes on eternal matters. It is a rough road, but the rewards are great. Hang in there, trust God, allow Him to work patience in your life. Choose wisely. You are free to choose your lifetime partner, but God wants you to choose wisely. And you are not alone, never feel that way. There are millions of single people in the world. Live out your dreams, go and do what God wants you to do, seek Him out, come to the point of praise where it is well with your soul whether you are single or married. Emotions come and go, but Jesus' love is eternal never is weary, never runs out, and never disappoints. Gbu.

 

[rubyinprogress]

So last two years it wasn’t so bad, I was for the first time at least content being single. But I had at least some of my friends with me. Now again I am the only one single, my friends don’t have time for me, and I am just tired of this. I can’t even pray without getting angry. Again the confusion is what hurts the most. I don’t understand, I don’t get why I have such a huge desire to get married. Just to watch all my friends get married. (I am happy for them, but I can’t hang out with them anymore cause I’m sick of the questions about my “still being single, and when’s your turn.” If I only knew!) I miss not waking up angry, I miss enjoyment in things. I’m scared that I will never get married. And right now... I wouldn’t doubt it. My attitude sucks, and one of the most important things confidence, I have zero.

If you are angry when you pray, tell God you're angry. He isn't afraid of our anger. It sounds like you had some expectations of when things "should" have happened in your life. They didn't happen that way and since God's in charge it must be His fault. I don't think He will make excuses or tell you that you shouldn't feel angry. He will let you express your anger until you can feel what is under the anger...is it hurt...from the rejection you experienced from women...is it fear...that you'll never be married...or happy? If you work through what is under the anger, you'll find the anger will resolve too. Blessings to you! May the God of comfort fill you with all joy and peace in believing...

 

[forlovingHim]

I came here because I don’t know what else. Every time I talk to friends about how I feel, they unknowingly make me feel worse, or more angry.

I have taken pastors advise, I’ve taken peoples advice.

Hi, Jacob. I think I understand what you're saying. You know Scripture very well, I think, and are doing your best to continue serving God very well despite how you are suffering. You work hard at everything you do and when that's not enough you feel mounting pressure to be perfect.

There has been a lot of really great Christ-like advice given here, some sympathetic personal stories that I think resonate with many and are certainly appreciated... I have to wonder, though, if perhaps the response that is most needed here is just something offered forth on a purely emotional level. When none of the verses seem to help and you can't get past the anger and confusion to pray in a way that allows you this meaningful connection with our Lord and Savior, it speaks of an agony that suggests to me that you know so much about what the Bible has to say about the matter and would rather just speak to a friend who isn't judging you or even trying to help. Sometimes we just need to talk, share our feelings, especially when we feel like the preaching and exhortation and encouragement isn't addressing the core of the issue. (I LOVE what everyone else has had to say, so there is no judgment toward or criticism of anyone here, please understand me on that, other CF members <3 )

I have a few questions for you that might seem strange to bring up. You said that your misery over the desire for your wife has been affecting other goals. May I ask you, please, what your ultimate life goal is?

For some, the greatest aspiration is finding their soulmate and being with them in a happy, life-long (as God intended!) marriage. Does that sound like you?

Or--Perhaps you seek a wife to compliment you and help further your other life goals (the help-meet who will give you more joy to go along with the joy you already have)?

I know that for myself, I can really relate to some things that you are saying. I very much want to be married, but my ultimate life goal is to write fiction that ministers to others for Jesus (mainly in novel form). For myself, a husband is a great desire that I understand to be a personal need that I have and I do believe God has called me to eventually enter into that glorious partnership of Holy Union between husband and wife, but I would definitely call it a secondary life goal. Writing for the Lord is my primary life goal.

Now when I put this emphasis on goals, I'm trying to better understand your situation and perhaps arrive at the heart of the matter--I do believe that addressing the emotional issue here is essential to reaching a solution for what you are going through.

Do you feel that your ultimate Calling in service to God is through marriage?

Is being married to the right woman your greatest dream that you hope God will make come true?

Or is it more like an absolutely necessary secondary goal, with something else such as leading Sunday school for the spiritual ministering to others so that they might better know Jesus, or helping others achieve better health through encouraging them in their personal fitness goals and in that way be their personal best for Jesus being your primary?

I apologize if these questions have felt invasive, but so often the reason that we fail to help one another is because we do not ask all of the essential questions that center around an individual's personal struggle. I hope you understand my reasons from the emotional perspective, as well as the mental and do not take offense.

While I do hope to hear back from you as I feel very moved by your post, in case you decide not to reply I will just say that I think you are definitely doing all of the right practical things (serving God, coming to Him with prayer about this situation, making sure that every area of your life is stable and working toward betterment of self, etc., and definitely that incredibly difficult task of maintaining sexual purity in this culture of ever-increasing temptations). On that note, I would like to congratulate you! You have been heavily burdened and still managing to thrive in most areas of your life. That is a very encouraging thing, something that I know most of us would fail at if we were hurting so badly, and so it becomes a blessing to read about that.

In closing, I would like to offer some brief encouragement of my own: It may feel impossible to not believe the lies that our enemy Satan has been telling you, that you are not good enough and that surely 'if you just did the right thing'.... No. You are doing so many things right. What you already know in your head about God is still true, and I do believe that He is actively working on helping it to reach your heart again. He hasn't given up on you, and He cares about your dreams and your longings so much. I will leave off there, because I know that it's actually very possible that everything else has already been said to you.

May the Lord Yeshua (Jesus) bless and keep you, Jacob. I know that He smiles upon you, even now in this very dark hour. This is not the end.

Shalom b'shem Yeshua~ Sarah

 

[Rawtheran]

I agree, again I know all of this in my head.
But I have lost hope, I have no confidence, my faith in this is gone.
That’s why I’m so angry. I have trouble sleeping.
Just today, my Sunday school was all about marriage. (Doesn’t help right now)
Someone asking me how I’m putting the lesson in to practice (single most of my life.) I’ve literally had 2 relationships. Lasting 14 months altogether.
I’m just tired of being single. I don’t know what to do.
The anger has affected my workouts, it affects other goals.

So I guess the real question is Do you want to date because there is a woman out there who wants to love you or do you only want to date because you're tired of being single? There is a huge difference and if you get married just to get married you'll end up in a world of even more hurt then you are in now. Maybe that's why God has kept you single was to spare you that heartbreak because your heart wasn't in the right place

 

[HamoNinja]

First I would like to intoduce myself. My name is Jacob. And I came here because I don’t know what else. Every time I talk to friends about how I feel, they unknowingly make me feel worse, or more angry.

I’m somewhat young, 31 and I am single. I can honestly say I don’t like it. In fact has the years have gone by I hate it. I know that we are suppose to see singleness as a blessing. But I don’t anymore.

I have been single most of my life with 2 relationships that ended badly. And I know a lot about God in my head. But my heart doesn’t seem to get it anymore. My love life feels like a joke, I’ve been told the same thing my entire life by girls. “You’re an amazing guy but you’re just not right for me.” I feel like giving up on the idea.

So here comes the meat of my issue. I am angry at God, I’m angry at the girls that have hurt me. I flat out so angry that I don’t like myself right now. I have prayed and prayed and prayed... prayer feels empty, words of encouragement feel empty, God’s words feel empty. I have started seeing a therapist because I feel broken, I feel like there has to be something wrong with me. Why do I not deserve to find someone? (In my head I know I shouldn’t feel this way.) The worst part of it is the confusion... I know there’s faith involved. But something... some idea that all this pain, and angry will eventually lead to “life abundantly.”

Sorry for the long post.

Hi Jacob

I'll keep this brief as there are some really good points and advice given to you already in this thread... esp from @forlovingHim and @Rawtheran

So coming from a current 42 year old-single male (once upon a time I was where you are)... and in hindsight... sensing your fears, your inhibitions, your own self-worth...

As I have asked many other brethren in these forums, What has our Lord Jesus said to you specifically around this whole matter of your heart? Like really said to you? I would really like to hear more of what Jesus has spoken into your life regarding this matter... because He is a gentleman and a scholar... a patient Father, a graceful Host who is so interested in the most trivial matters in our lives that we hold so dear to...

I have learnt along my journey thus far with our Father in recent years, that when one is focused on ourselves, desires, wants, rights, etc, etc... it does paint a very poignant perspective... that whatever we have focused on is more "precious" to us then Jesus is. Just a fact.

But I would like to discover with you more what you are actually after... because the next question that comes after all of this, for arguments sake... say you find a woman to be with you, say even settle down with... what then?!?

In Him we Trust...

 

[bèlla]

For some, the greatest aspiration is finding their soulmate and being with them in a happy, life-long (as God intended!) marriage. Does that sound like you?

Or--Perhaps you seek a wife to compliment you and help further your other life goals (the help-meet who will give you more joy to go along with the joy you already have)

It is my hope your words won’t be forgotten. The questions posed are laden with wisdom. They enable the reader to contemplate their heart from a different perspective that can bring comfort and peace.

For myself, a husband is a great desire that I understand to be a personal need that I have and I do believe God has called me to eventually enter into that glorious partnership of Holy Union between husband and wife, but I would definitely call it a secondary life goal. Writing for the Lord is my primary life goal.

In like fashion, my purpose has primacy and I recognize the familiar odor of the Lord’s influence in your words. When He writes through us the flow and conclusions are sound and pierce the heart.

Do you feel that your ultimate Calling in service to God is through marriage?

Is being married to the right woman your greatest dream that you hope God will make come true?

Wonderfully stated.

This should be a sticky in the Single’s folder. I hope you’re willing to post a thread with the questions. I believe it would assist others with similar struggles.

May HaShem bless and prosper the work of your hands and grant the desires of your heart for His glory.

Shalom,

~Bella

 

[Single Life]

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