I have a rare form of cancer that formed tumor in a vessel going to the heart and now in the heart chambers , I just went through open heart surgery that failed to remove the tumor now they will try immunotherapy to shrink the tumor , after getting this news I have been trying to draw close to God ,I pray read the word turn to Christian friends but I thought going through this life threatening thing I would feel Gods presence around me or like a spiritual hand on my shoulder something ! Am I expecting to much ? I hear people say they " feel God " " hear from God " but I don't , could it be through my complacent attitude about Christianity ( I did ask God into my life when I was 19 ) at first I was zealous then as the years went by I became lax , however I did not give up on Christ but I did not live as I should I have been guilty of drunkeness , fornication , and pride , but since I got diagnosed I have tried to fix my life and get close to God , I have married my girlfriend ( that I was living with ) I know I was wrong but I lamely justified it , made amends with as many people as I could that I may have offended re connected with Christian friends , but I can't help but wonder did God turn his back on me ? Is there redemption left for me ? After all I was willfully sinning , I am very sorry for the life I led and ashamed , but I do not have assurance of salvation , I still feel alone and scared and one day he will say to me I never knew you , I have prayed begged and cried but still feel empty