I understand that my Father is working to discipline me and conform me to be more Christlike. However, the depth and longevity of the trials in my life has gotten to the point where I truly feel lost.
14 years ago, I was pregnant with my firstborn, and the man who is now my ex-husband moved us 500 miles away from our families into the middle of nowhere, the U.S. frontier basically. There are very few services and infrastructure here. When I left him with our 3 kids 5 years ago, I went back to my home state to be supported by my family through the separation. It was then that I learned that I needed to get back to my then-husband's state or I would have the kids taken away from me. So, I did, and I have been living in poverty ever since then. When we were together, I saved up money and racked up debt so that he could buy a house. Now he owns 10 acres and a 1400 sq. ft house. I filed for bankruptcy and lost everything I bought for our family. I gained legal custody of the kids, that was the trade-off. My ex is not engaged with medical providers, etc.
I moved into an old, beat-up trailer in a run-down park. I made the best of my circumstances. I bought the trailer from my mom once I got on my feet. I worked on the trailer, I went to therapy, read a ton of books, prayed constantly, did all the available programs for my kids, I tried my best to manage a bad situation. But my choices and this world took a toll one me. My hope was to find a husband, but I just found dudes who want to use me. I was hurt very badly (illegally - catch my drift?) last year twice. Cops did nothing, just took my info. I installed security cameras and kept my head down, working on my house and renovating it the best I could with my limited skill set.
Then it all culminated this winter. I realized that my family of origin is very supportive financially, but also we have some major skeletons in our closet that have never seen the light of day. I recovered a really deep, dark horrible memory, a pattern of what happened to me as a toddler. I already remembered stuff from when I was in early elementary school, but this hit me like a Mack truck. I became pretty dysfunctional emotionally. I feel so completely damaged inside and out. I blamed all my problems on my dad, who did the things, and my mom, who did nothing to stop him. She only had him taken out of the house when the school intervened because the violence became very apparent.
So, I was struggling just to function into the spring, when I got my butt kicked even harder. In spite of my renovations, I had no idea that there was a recall on plumbing fittings in older trailers in the 90s. So one day 3 weeks ago, I woke up smelling a horrible smell of mildew coming from my heating ducts. I figured out that there was a leaking water line. It has been a living nightmare ever since then. 3 weeks of constant phone calls to contractors, a ton of money, and the problem still is not solved. The water line has been fixed, but the water has spread and spread under the trailer all through the belly. I am the only one who is being thorough, and I am not a carpenter. I have mold allergies. So now my health, which was already ailing from all the stress coming to the surface from my childhood, is even worse.
I have spent many hours under my trailer and have found that the contractor I paid did not finish the job. There is a ton of insulation that is still wet, 3 weeks later. I lost my mind when I discovered this. The contractor did a ton of work, it's not like he's running away with money after not doing anything. He demoed a lot of insulation, damaged subfloor, did a lot of structural work, reinstalled new floors, etc. But he is just not as attentive to detail as I am. I care about my family and our health. My youngest child has intensive special needs, which are both medical and developmental, and I am not taking any chances with mold. But now, after doing all that work, I am quite ill. I lost more weight, and my stress is off the charts. There is a professional mitigation company visiting tomorrow to take a look, but the price will likely be too high for me to afford.
The most stressful part of this is that my insurance company denied my claim, blaming it on wear and tear of the plumbing system. And I have no family, none whatsoever, to help me with this. I have a handful of guys I dated who want to help me, and get into my pants at the same time. This is my battle.
I am crying out to God for guidance through these stormy seas for wise navigation.
14 years ago, I was pregnant with my firstborn, and the man who is now my ex-husband moved us 500 miles away from our families into the middle of nowhere, the U.S. frontier basically. There are very few services and infrastructure here. When I left him with our 3 kids 5 years ago, I went back to my home state to be supported by my family through the separation. It was then that I learned that I needed to get back to my then-husband's state or I would have the kids taken away from me. So, I did, and I have been living in poverty ever since then. When we were together, I saved up money and racked up debt so that he could buy a house. Now he owns 10 acres and a 1400 sq. ft house. I filed for bankruptcy and lost everything I bought for our family. I gained legal custody of the kids, that was the trade-off. My ex is not engaged with medical providers, etc.
I moved into an old, beat-up trailer in a run-down park. I made the best of my circumstances. I bought the trailer from my mom once I got on my feet. I worked on the trailer, I went to therapy, read a ton of books, prayed constantly, did all the available programs for my kids, I tried my best to manage a bad situation. But my choices and this world took a toll one me. My hope was to find a husband, but I just found dudes who want to use me. I was hurt very badly (illegally - catch my drift?) last year twice. Cops did nothing, just took my info. I installed security cameras and kept my head down, working on my house and renovating it the best I could with my limited skill set.
Then it all culminated this winter. I realized that my family of origin is very supportive financially, but also we have some major skeletons in our closet that have never seen the light of day. I recovered a really deep, dark horrible memory, a pattern of what happened to me as a toddler. I already remembered stuff from when I was in early elementary school, but this hit me like a Mack truck. I became pretty dysfunctional emotionally. I feel so completely damaged inside and out. I blamed all my problems on my dad, who did the things, and my mom, who did nothing to stop him. She only had him taken out of the house when the school intervened because the violence became very apparent.
So, I was struggling just to function into the spring, when I got my butt kicked even harder. In spite of my renovations, I had no idea that there was a recall on plumbing fittings in older trailers in the 90s. So one day 3 weeks ago, I woke up smelling a horrible smell of mildew coming from my heating ducts. I figured out that there was a leaking water line. It has been a living nightmare ever since then. 3 weeks of constant phone calls to contractors, a ton of money, and the problem still is not solved. The water line has been fixed, but the water has spread and spread under the trailer all through the belly. I am the only one who is being thorough, and I am not a carpenter. I have mold allergies. So now my health, which was already ailing from all the stress coming to the surface from my childhood, is even worse.
I have spent many hours under my trailer and have found that the contractor I paid did not finish the job. There is a ton of insulation that is still wet, 3 weeks later. I lost my mind when I discovered this. The contractor did a ton of work, it's not like he's running away with money after not doing anything. He demoed a lot of insulation, damaged subfloor, did a lot of structural work, reinstalled new floors, etc. But he is just not as attentive to detail as I am. I care about my family and our health. My youngest child has intensive special needs, which are both medical and developmental, and I am not taking any chances with mold. But now, after doing all that work, I am quite ill. I lost more weight, and my stress is off the charts. There is a professional mitigation company visiting tomorrow to take a look, but the price will likely be too high for me to afford.
The most stressful part of this is that my insurance company denied my claim, blaming it on wear and tear of the plumbing system. And I have no family, none whatsoever, to help me with this. I have a handful of guys I dated who want to help me, and get into my pants at the same time. This is my battle.
I am crying out to God for guidance through these stormy seas for wise navigation.
