As I understand it and consistent with Calvin, all are sinners and deserve hell, but God has chosen to save some. Only God knows who he has chosen, we just look at the evidence and make our educated guesses.
Furthermore, before you are saved, you are a slave to sin and cannot even want to repent and be saved. Even faith is impossible without God's help.
1. If you truly turn to God, repent and believe, you will be saved and you have not actually committed an unpardonable sin.
2. But assuming everything you said is true in the OP, you are just trying to get the easiest hell you can. Tragically, everything a sinner does is sin and the more you know the guiltier you are. So your best path is to know nothing and do nothing, but don't harm yourself as that is a sin as well.
The best choice is to become a hermit (Tibet is nice) and meditate on prime numbers.