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iambren
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Multiply your frustration by 10X and that's likely what your marriage will be. Somebody told me something very wise---Do your rescuing OUTSIDE of your marriage not the inside. His inability to be close/open are HIS issues and I doubt you have the magic wand to fix him.
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ImperialPhantom
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It's hard to tell with him just from your descriptions. You said
Does the fifth one mean he's afraid of commitment or of stability, and tends to push it away? With the fourth one, have people really done that, or does he have, as I tend to take away from the quotes, a "victim mentality" so to speak? The third one can go for almost any guy. Even as far as those who grew up in broken homes go, it's so individualized even still. My wife and I both did, but our situations were very different, and as far as I'm concerned, everyone has "baggage" of some kind. It's what you do with the baggage and how you let it influence your life, be it for positive or negative, that makes all of the difference.
Does the fifth one mean he's afraid of commitment or of stability, and tends to push it away? With the fourth one, have people really done that, or does he have, as I tend to take away from the quotes, a "victim mentality" so to speak? The third one can go for almost any guy. Even as far as those who grew up in broken homes go, it's so individualized even still. My wife and I both did, but our situations were very different, and as far as I'm concerned, everyone has "baggage" of some kind. It's what you do with the baggage and how you let it influence your life, be it for positive or negative, that makes all of the difference.
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iambren
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Marriage requires a lot of work to be successful. WHY would you want to START out having to do all this work?
He may have issues but being a "rescuer" is not a complimentary word; it's evidence of brokenness in YOU. I went through 2 marriages being the rescuer and they both sucked me dry and failed. The phrase "Love conquers all" is a fallacy. God's love conquers all but we are mere human. Go into marriage with your eyes wide open saying--"This man will change very little from who he is today.". I tell you this for your own good; I wish someone had told me.
Read up on what goes on in being a rescuer, your posts drip of it.
He may have issues but being a "rescuer" is not a complimentary word; it's evidence of brokenness in YOU. I went through 2 marriages being the rescuer and they both sucked me dry and failed. The phrase "Love conquers all" is a fallacy. God's love conquers all but we are mere human. Go into marriage with your eyes wide open saying--"This man will change very little from who he is today.". I tell you this for your own good; I wish someone had told me.
Read up on what goes on in being a rescuer, your posts drip of it.
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hijklmnop
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When I first read this, I knew what I wanted to say, but felt you as the OP were only asking to hear positive things...the things you WANT to hear....so I didn't say anything. It seems to me that you want to marry him despite the warning signs you're sensing and want people to assure you it'll be fine! But the truth is, I am now living through what I believe is a restoration of my marriage (I hope), but it is been a long, indescribably hard haul of ten years so far and we have only gotten to this point together thanks to lots and lots of outside help. I agree with iambren: you sound like a rescuer (look up codependency). I knew going into my relationship with my h that he had some issues due to a severely abusive/neglected childhood, but I too wanted to "be the woman who would love him through it"...I too wanted to be the one who would be able to show him what unconditional love, the love of Christ looked like....and then we'd be great! I didn't know there was anything unhealthy in that mentality. Well, guess what...I seriously overestimated myself, underestimated my own issues, and majorly underestimated the difficulties his unresolved issues would cause us. He needs to deal with those issues now, hopefully before you commit to a lifetime with him, on his own terms and under his own motivation. You cannot fix him or change him. I know you want to stand by him through whatever he has to work out, but I guarantee that you are underestimating how difficult that is going to be. I would recommend counselling for him and counselling for yourself. And no, i don't recommend marriage at this point in time. There are already several red flags. I wish I would have cared more about them when I was young and people warned me, but I believed love would conquer all too...You want stories of redemption; you can find them. I hope my marriage will prove to be one of them. But don't make the mistake of downplaying the difficulties and challenges and heartbreaks many have to go through in order to endure a relationship that was challenged to start out with. And sadly, you will find far, far more stories of relationships that started out with some of the warning signs and dynamics you've described and DIDN'T make it. Be open to hearing all of it, not just the survival stories. Take more time to understand what you're getting into before you've committed your life to someone.
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hijklmnop
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It will get worse, and harder for both of you unless you get professional help imo. Don't forget that being his partner doesn't mean it's your job to help him work out his issues. You can stay with him while he does, but it sounds like he has a ton of baggage from long before you that has nothing to do with you, but will certainly continue to impact you if he doesn't get help to deal with them.
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These days so many people have less than ideal family backgrounds. There is a genuine need for the Christian community to become far more aware of the effects of a poor upbringing and far more skilled in dealing with people from those backgrounds. Not everyone has access to good counselling, but ordinary people with appropriate skills, sensible life related teaching and sensitive, caring hearts can help many people struggling with relationships.
Many guys find it hard to discuss inner feelings. Unfortunately too few guys have done that, and so we lack male resources in our Christian communities.
John
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Many guys find it hard to discuss inner feelings. Unfortunately too few guys have done that, and so we lack male resources in our Christian communities.
John
NZ
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RobPhillips79
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I'm not inclined to getting married...
The chances of having children is even worse.
The probability of your children becoming good buddies and all that is not good imo.
However, a single child would end up lonely.
My experiences have given me the impression that marriage is not a smart choice.
When I was a child, I believed the exact opposite strongly...
My parents were separated but they are still living together and most times act like a married couple. However, I'm sure they have a few secrets...
It just doesn't sound like a good idea.
Many people are suited to being parents.
Me on the other hand? I don't see myself as a good enough parent.
The chances of having children is even worse.
The probability of your children becoming good buddies and all that is not good imo.
However, a single child would end up lonely.
My experiences have given me the impression that marriage is not a smart choice.
When I was a child, I believed the exact opposite strongly...
My parents were separated but they are still living together and most times act like a married couple. However, I'm sure they have a few secrets...
It just doesn't sound like a good idea.
Many people are suited to being parents.
Me on the other hand? I don't see myself as a good enough parent.
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