nagging because she doesn't listen

[dreamer82]

Yea they medicated me for liking a tidy house too. Turns out I was correct, and while I had no choice but to relax on it, with 4 kids etc...its crazy to be so obsessed about it....my wife IS though not a slob, utterly unmoved by clutter. She however will walk through mountains of clutter to windex a spot off a mirror, and a smudge off the stainless steel fridge.

Its not OCD the reality that (maybe its more men who feel this way I dont know) there is a calmness about a place lacking clutter. It takes less than 10 minutes, sometimes less than 5 for me to transform the entire downstairs from seemingly trashed to completely organized. I like organized, and cannot even begin to relate to it not being bothersome.....but as they medicated me with zoloft for my "OCD" and side effects set in I said no more....and just bite my tongue or do it myself. meanwhile over the 12 years since then the hidden clutter has grown to a point where i PRAY people never look in a pantry or closet or cabinet.

There is not something OCD about preferring order. As offensive as they seem these days, those 1950's funny lists about what a wife should do when her husb arrives home from work have one thing in there that reflects this. Forget all the goofy stuff, and forget who does the work....but the fact that when a guy gets home from work he finds respite in order...regardless even if both folks work then both should try and keep the order....but its catharsis to enter an environment that feels you have some tiny degree of control in it.....again, its not OCD

Umm...my husband was not "medicated for liking a tidy house." LOL! He was treated for OCD via CBT (exposure therapy, specifically), and while medication (I believe you're the only one who brought that up) was obviously a negative experience for you, therapy alone has helped him to feel much more relaxed and content in his day-to-day life, which has been great for him and for our family life. Just because your experiences with "pop psych" have not been positive, it seems, doesn't mean other people are being obnoxious when they bring up their positive experiences with these kinds of issues in a manner of trying to be helpful.

Also, it's not "preferring order" that = OCD. It's when the scales tip from "preferring" order, tidiness/cleanliness, to developing a preoccupation that is negatively affecting your life in terms of time consumption, inability to concentrate and enjoy anything else going on if things are out of place, household members feeling they have to tiptoe around on eggshells in regards to the housekeeping because otherwise you become very anxious and irritable, etc.

I'm all for homes being calm and tidy...but I'm not all for one spouse making life difficult for everyone else in the home because he expects/needs the house to be incredibly clean and quiet whenever he gets home from work. We lived that, and it sucked.

Whether the OP has OCD or not (who knows), I hope he'll be able to relax and go a little easier on his fiance. There are bigger fish to fry!

 

[JaneFW]

Okay, this is getting way OTT. This is not the woman who is the hoarder, this is a woman who, according to the OP, has dropped a few crumbs and opens the car door "too wide". The house is not a pigsty where nobody can move for junk. That's not this scenario.

I hold by my original evaluation. If this is the big focus for the OP, imo, he is not ready for marriage. I get it that she's not listening, but maybe that's because she doesn't even realize she has a couple of crumbs on her fingers. Maybe her perspective of crumbs is different to his perspective of crumbs. I just think it's such minor and insignificant stuff to get upset about, and that may be why she's not listening.

As for expecting her to wash her hands after she is done eating. Who does that?

 

[Lena75]

I'd probably tune out someone who nags over some lame breadcrumbs too. The op doesn't sound OCD... more of a perfectionist. Pick and choose your battles! As it's been said, to nitpick over small things now WILL escalate later.

 

[dallasapple]

Hi there, i'm engaged and getting married soon. Anyway i just want to get to the point and it's the reason why i came back to CF after so many months/years. We quarrel quite often maybe once a week. And i realise the reason why that happens is because she doesn't listen and i nag/criticise, and she gets upset. It's almost like a vicious cycle and i recognise that. For example, i wish she would listen to me when i tell her to be careful not to drop anything when she eats in my room which i've cleaned in the morning. She hears that and tried to be careful, of which i didn't notice because i was doing something on my computer. After dinner, she brought up something to eat in my room again and i reminded her to be careful. She was eating a piece of bread and some crumbs was on her fingers and she just rubbed her fingers together and i saw some crumbs fall to the floor. I told her gently that some crumbs dropped to the floor. She didn't seem to hear me and finished the bread and then rubbed her fingers over her other hand, which was fine, but then went on to rub both palms on her skirt which made crumbs fall to the floor. I had expected her to just walk to the bathroom to wash her hands. This kind of things just makes me crazy because she doesn't listen to me no matter how many times it happens. And whenever i tell her gently she doesn't listen. And when i keep nagging, she gets upset after a while. Please tell me what to do....what i gave is just an example, there are other examples like opening car doors. She opens the car door to the widest and i tell her she doesn't need to do that..what if the door were to hit something that is closer than she thinks? She is careful this time, but the next time, she is back to her old self and i nag again....help.....

Im worried for you ..I dont know how you will survive if you plan on having children.."crumbs" dropping on the floor?..How about projectile vomit flying across the room ???Snotty noses running like a faucet?

Anyway besides that even if you dont have children..having someone watching you to be sure you dont drop any crumbs..or wash your hands after you eat..or measure how wide you open a door is utter misery for her..and it cant make you happy to be bothered that much by stuff like that..if you are making note of microscopic "habits" like that..then in general are you critisizing her?Like on bigger issues?..Do you have other things that bother you about her personality wise or habit wise?..Like what time she goes to bed..where she works..who her friends are..her sense of humor..etc???Or is it just the micro stuff and other wise you are pretty relaxed?

Im curious for one reason is if you are "nagging" at her about many things..big and small..she will probably "tune you out"..or just ignore you ..because after a while its starts to just sound like "droning" and its always something so she just wont take you seriously over anything..Ya know?Kind of like 'whats new" every time you say something is bugging you because its endless..
She will start to think you think she cant do ANYTHING right..so she wont try at all...

Do you praise her?Or is it all about something she needs to fix about herself?...If no to all of that nevermind..

anyway the bottom line is..either way she is an adult and its up to her if she wants to live like that with someone "nit picking" at stuff..and she has a choice to listen to you and change it or ignore you and ya'll just bicker all the time..

But thats not going to cut it with children..Children by nature test the parents bounderies by exploring the world and even when you tell them not to do something...and they are natural born piglet mess makers...and if you are nit picking at them like that you will make them insecure and nuerotic..You wont survive parenthood and they will have a needlessly stressed out childhood...

Anyway I know thats not what you asked about but thats a consideration for you as well as your concerns with your future wife. ...

Dallas

 

[dallasapple]

Umm...my husband was not "medicated for liking a tidy house." LOL! He was treated for OCD via CBT (exposure therapy, specifically), and while medication (I believe you're the only one who brought that up) was obviously a negative experience for you, therapy alone has helped him to feel much more relaxed and content in his day-to-day life, which has been great for him and for our family life. Just because your experiences with "pop psych" have not been positive, it seems, doesn't mean other people are being obnoxious when they bring up their positive experiences with these kinds of issues in a manner of trying to be helpful.

Also, it's not "preferring order" that = OCD. It's when the scales tip from "preferring" order, tidiness/cleanliness, to developing a preoccupation that is negatively affecting your life in terms of time consumption, inability to concentrate and enjoy anything else going on if things are out of place, household members feeling they have to tiptoe around on eggshells in regards to the housekeeping because otherwise you become very anxious and irritable, etc.

I'm all for homes being calm and tidy...but I'm not all for one spouse making life difficult for everyone else in the home because he expects/needs the house to be incredibly clean and quiet whenever he gets home from work. We lived that, and it sucked.

Whether the OP has OCD or not (who knows), I hope he'll be able to relax and go a little easier on his fiance. There are bigger fish to fry!

Right on!

My husband has actually gotten mad (upset) because "water droplets" were on the countertop in the kitchen..

He wont admit he has a problem..hes what I call a "nit picking control freak".I have begged him to go get some tranquilizers.

Thats fine it you need to be a nit picking control freak on your self..But no one else should have to feel the "impending doom" over "spilled milk" because of it..by the time a real issue hits..you are so exausted from the sky is falling episodes over "yogurt getting on the chair (in the KITCHEN)..or "no extra socks in the diaper bag" you are so mentally and emotinally drained you are too weary to face a REAL ISSUE...

Dallas

 

[Romanseight2005]

Folks, not liking crumbs on the floor =/= OCD: it means you value cleanliness. Most people do not like food in their carpets. Notice he didn't say anything about, say, not being able to focus on any other tasks until he cleaned it up, or constantly cleaning the carpet, or anything of the sort.

Do those of you with kids not say things to them about cleaning up after themselves? Do you not wipe your baby's mouth after he eats, or clean up after your pets? Does that make you OCD?

Sheesh.The amateur psychologists around here at least need to get a copy of the DSM.

OK, back to the actual thread...

Excuse me!? He didn't say she dumped a bucket load of crumbs on the floor. He didn't say she refused to vacuum up her mess after she ate. What he said was that he watched her rub her fingers together. We are talking microscopic. Any normal person would expect people to clean up after themselves. That is not what the OP is talking about! He can't stand for any crumb to fall to the floor, in the first place. If you don't think that is an obsessive disposition, then maybe you have OCD and don't know it. Further more, I didn't say that I knew for certain he was OCD. I said he MAY be.

 

[dallasapple]

Tom is right, the rush to pop psych diagnosis is amazing.

the other thing i think people have all utterly missed is that the issue is not crumbs on the carpet. It surprises me that everyone, without exception, jumped ion that minutia when his issue is about her listening. Maybe ask him for other examples? Ask him if this is his ONLY example. That would be a reasonable response, but going at him over preferring clean floors, then going off yet again on an OCD tangent, complete with cognitive therapy advice is amazing.

The man says "she wont listen".....thats the OP

If he wanted to make crumbs the issue he would have said that, "Fiance will not keep floor clean when i ask her"...or so

I think it could in fact be the issue this is something like a nuerotic need to be extra clean and thats why she is in one ear and out the other because she doent realize how important it is or how much it bothers him because it wouldnt bother most people that much..most people may not even NOTICE it..thats why shes not "listening"..maybe she 'hears him' say it ..'be careful dont drop crumbs" she registers it but crumbs fall anyway and she isnt "zoned in on it" ..Like maybe she thought O.K I wont and then started thinking about something IMPORTANT and didnt realize she even dropped crumbs?

IOW what he is complaining about(TO her in his example) is important if anyone can make a serious comment on his claims she doesnt "listen" to him when he asks her to do something or not do something..If it was something more OBVIOUS to the AVERAGE person maybe the part about her "not listening" would have been the focus not what he was saying she wont listen about.

Havign said that..IF he has more examples and these he used arent "typical' but just ones he threw out there to demonstrate her not listening.he needs to give better examples...I hardly think that is a good example of a "defiant" attitude or her deliberately "disrespecting " his wishes and rebelling against him just to grind on his nerves..by letting crumbs fall and opening doors too wide...

Or he thinks she is just "not listening" then maybe he needs to tell her in a different way..if these are "good examples" since she may not have ANY idea because its rather unusual for it to bother most people that much..maybe he needs to tell her that it does..Seriously ..Please dont drop crumbs on the floor ..its more than just an irritant..it bothers me ENOUGH that if you do so anyway I feel like you havent respected my wishes.I feel ignored because its IMPORTANT to me for my clean floors to stay that way..Please respect my wishes..

With the car door???Again say ...Please do not open the car door that wide..Im serious it makes me nervous..its just me..I feel like the door is going to hit something..Please take me seriously when I say it bugs me to no end you keep doign it..

After he has STRESSED its that big of a deal to him..and she STILL doesnt "listen" then maybe there is a problem..Except to say if he is using up all his 'deal breaker" request for change on minor stuff like that hes gonna run out quick before he just needs to find an entirely different person all together that has already more things about her that dont need to be altered to his liking..

Dallas

 

[Created2Write]

Excuse me!? He didn't say she dumped a bucket load of crumbs on the floor. He didn't say she refused to vacuum up her mess after she ate. What he said was that he watched her rub her fingers together. We are talking microscopic. Any normal person would expect people to clean up after themselves. That is not what the OP is talking about! He can't stand for any crumb to fall to the floor, in the first place. If you don't think that is an obsessive disposition, then maybe you have OCD and don't know it.

You don't have to argue just because he disagrees. And, frankly, this post was a little immature.

Please, instead of arguing back and forth, can we keep on topic and give the OP advice?

 

[dallasapple]

To the OP..I know I said a lot already..but I just wanted to clarify in a short few sentences what I mean...LOL!!

In your examples?..It could be she is not listening in those examples SPECIFICALLY because of the nature itself of your complaints..those things honestly arent that big of a deal to most people..(not no people but most) in a relationship where there are ENOUGH things to be concerned about..

And she isnt deliberately NOT respecting your wishes..she just isnt really thinking about it that hard thats why she will try and then stop..because its just not that important to her..You are talking about minor quirks..minor concerns and worries..that she quite frankly may just forget about because of how microscopic they are..those things dont even take more than nano seconds to even occur..and most people dont focus that hard on it..

Dallas

 

[JaneFW]

..Like maybe she thought O.K I wont and then started thinking about something IMPORTANT and didnt realize she even dropped crumbs?

Okay, I almost made a big mess with the coffee I was drinking when I read that.

 

[Romanseight2005]

To the OP..I know I said a lot already..but I just wanted to clarify in a short few sentences what I mean...LOL!!

In your examples?..It could be she is not listening in those examples SPECIFICALLY because of the nature itself of your complaints..those things honestly arent that big of a deal to most people..(not no people but most) in a relationship where there are ENOUGH things to be concrened about..

And she isnt deliberately NOT respecting your wishes..she just isnt really thinking about it that hard thats why she will try and then stop..because its just not that important to her..You are talking about minor quirks..minor concerns and worries..that she quite frankly may just forget about because of how micorscopic they are..those things dont even take more than nano seconds to even occur..and most people dont focus that hard on it..

Dallas

 

[If Not For Grace]

If you are a "neat freak" and she is "scattered or slopy" it will be a source of friction for years, until one of you adjusts (which means you-b/c it's easier to be scattered than for scattered to become neat) or until the problem festers into more as they often do. I would not want to spend my life w/someone I arugued with weekly already. So Far you do not really have Joint responsibilities. LEARN to give & get along, then revist the idea of marriage. A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers.