My husband and I are at our wits end

[LiveLaughLove]

My husband and I have been married for 18 years and we have 3 children together...a 12 y/o son, a 14 y/o son, and 16 y/o daughter. My husband works 2nd shift and I work the same 2 to 3 days a week on first shift. So I am the one mostly home parenting our kids.
But we are at our wits end with our youngest. Our kids are great kids for the most part. They aren't perfect, which what kid or person is, but they are pretty well behaved kids. BUT we are having an especially hard time (at home only) with our 12 y/o son. We can't get him to listen much. We constantly tell him to do things that he knows that he should be doing...for ex: put dishes away when done with them, put tools (actual tools) away where they belong...will leave on floor which is unsafe, eats in the living room when he is not suppose to..he's leave food on the floor that has been dropped, etc. We tell him to do certain things like his chores but he will say, "I will, wait" or he will leave the doors open where it comes in from the garage even after JUST telling him to close them so we don't get mice in our house. He does so well in school. The teachers have no complaints about him at all. He listens to them and does what they tell him to do. I don't know where I went wrong in parenting him. We thought he would have learned by now. And yes we discipline him too...take things away, ground him, etc. But it only works for the time he is grounded, not for when he his ungrounded. What do we do? I never had or don't have any issues like this with my older 2 at all.

 

[joshua 1 9]

He does so well in school. The teachers have no complaints about him at all.

Exactly, kids either act out at home or in school. Thank God that he is acting out at home and is so well behaved when he is in school. That is much better then to have it the other way around. Just pray it though and do not ever quit praying for your kids. "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this world's darkness, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. " (Eph6:12)

 

[Aussie Pete]

My husband and I have been married for 18 years and we have 3 children together...a 12 y/o son, a 14 y/o son, and 16 y/o daughter. My husband works 2nd shift and I work the same 2 to 3 days a week on first shift. So I am the one mostly home parenting our kids.
But we are at our wits end with our youngest. Our kids are great kids for the most part. They aren't perfect, which what kid or person is, but they are pretty well behaved kids. BUT we are having an especially hard time (at home only) with our 12 y/o son. We can't get him to listen much. We constantly tell him to do things that he knows that he should be doing...for ex: put dishes away when done with them, put tools (actual tools) away where they belong...will leave on floor which is unsafe, eats in the living room when he is not suppose to..he's leave food on the floor that has been dropped, etc. We tell him to do certain things like his chores but he will say, "I will, wait" or he will leave the doors open where it comes in from the garage even after JUST telling him to close them so we don't get mice in our house. He does so well in school. The teachers have no complaints about him at all. He listens to them and does what they tell him to do. I don't know where I went wrong in parenting him. We thought he would have learned by now. And yes we discipline him too...take things away, ground him, etc. But it only works for the time he is grounded, not for when he his ungrounded. What do we do? I never had or don't have any issues like this with my older 2 at all.

There is a reason why he is like this. It could be temperament related, he may be resentful at some perceived injustice or the consequences of his actions just don't bother him. Or all of those things. Ask God to show you the root of the problem and then how to deal with it. He has no respect for you. Perhaps you need to point out the consequences of not honouring parents according to the Bible. It's hard at that age. I heard advice from a psychologist who specialises in adolescent children. She said that you should bury them when they turn 14 and dig them up when they turn 26. It may well be that you've done nothing especially wrong. Let the Lord show you.

 

[Sabertooth]

It could be flat-out rebellion. It could be something like ADHD. ADHD responds better to a structured environment, like school & work. (If it is a neuro-psych condition, conventional parenting strategies [alone] will be less than effective.)

Have him evaluated.

• If he has no neuro-psych issues, you will just have to be hard-line with him. Such as, we're not going to do the next thing [that he wants to do], until you resolve this.
• If he does have neuro-psych issues, he may need medicine and they can advise you on how to adapt your parenting efforts, accordingly. Additional benefits, you will have more realistic expectations for yourselves in the situation, and you won't beat yourselves up over your perceived failure.

 

[Sparagmos]

My husband and I have been married for 18 years and we have 3 children together...a 12 y/o son, a 14 y/o son, and 16 y/o daughter. My husband works 2nd shift and I work the same 2 to 3 days a week on first shift. So I am the one mostly home parenting our kids.
But we are at our wits end with our youngest. Our kids are great kids for the most part. They aren't perfect, which what kid or person is, but they are pretty well behaved kids. BUT we are having an especially hard time (at home only) with our 12 y/o son. We can't get him to listen much. We constantly tell him to do things that he knows that he should be doing...for ex: put dishes away when done with them, put tools (actual tools) away where they belong...will leave on floor which is unsafe, eats in the living room when he is not suppose to..he's leave food on the floor that has been dropped, etc. We tell him to do certain things like his chores but he will say, "I will, wait" or he will leave the doors open where it comes in from the garage even after JUST telling him to close them so we don't get mice in our house. He does so well in school. The teachers have no complaints about him at all. He listens to them and does what they tell him to do. I don't know where I went wrong in parenting him. We thought he would have learned by now. And yes we discipline him too...take things away, ground him, etc. But it only works for the time he is grounded, not for when he his ungrounded. What do we do? I never had or don't have any issues like this with my older 2 at all.

Have you sat down with your son and asked him why he does these things?

 

[SeventyOne]

Could start with him getting that days' WiFi password after all his chores/homework is done. He might suddenly start caring a bit.

 

[SkyWriting]

My husband and I have been married for 18 years and we have 3 children together...a 12 y/o son, a 14 y/o son, and 16 y/o daughter. My husband works 2nd shift and I work the same 2 to 3 days a week on first shift. So I am the one mostly home parenting our kids.
But we are at our wits end with our youngest. Our kids are great kids for the most part. They aren't perfect, which what kid or person is, but they are pretty well behaved kids. BUT we are having an especially hard time (at home only) with our 12 y/o son. We can't get him to listen much. We constantly tell him to do things that he knows that he should be doing...for ex: put dishes away when done with them, put tools (actual tools) away where they belong...will leave on floor which is unsafe, eats in the living room when he is not suppose to..he's leave food on the floor that has been dropped, etc. We tell him to do certain things like his chores but he will say, "I will, wait" or he will leave the doors open where it comes in from the garage even after JUST telling him to close them so we don't get mice in our house. He does so well in school. The teachers have no complaints about him at all. He listens to them and does what they tell him to do. I don't know where I went wrong in parenting him. We thought he would have learned by now. And yes we discipline him too...take things away, ground him, etc. But it only works for the time he is grounded, not for when he his ungrounded. What do we do? I never had or don't have any issues like this with my older 2 at all.

List 6 aspects of his personality that you are very grateful for. Hold these in mind just before you see him. You will change by doing this and this will help with your problems.

 

[blackribbon]

He is 12. He is acting like a 12 year old boy. That doesn't mean that he should be allowed to do these things but rather that he needs a bit more supervision and parenting. These aren't horrible crimes, especially for a tween aged child. Take away his right to do these things unsupervised "I'm sorry, but you have shown that you are not old enough to use the tools unsupervised so you will have to wait until someone has time to watch you use them until you are old enough to take care of them properly". Take away his privileges to do things allowed to older children since he still needs a "mommy" to make sure he can follow basic rules like not eating in the living room (where are you or his dad when he is breaking this rule)? And then thank God that you have a normal 12 year old child who does well at school and your "wits end" is simple normal tween behavior by not always cleaning up after himself.
(There are plenty of adults who don't do these things either and somehow live successful decent lives anyway.)

 

[LiveLaughLove]

It could be flat-out rebellion. It could be something like ADHD. ADHD responds better to a structured environment, like school & work. (If it is a neuro-psych condition, conventional parenting strategies [alone] will be less than effective.)

Have him evaluated.

• If he has no neuro-psych issues, you will just have to be hard-line with him. Such as, we're not going to do the next thing [that he wants to do], until you resolve this.
• If he does have neuro-psych issues, he may need medicine and they can advise you on how to adapt your parenting efforts, accordingly. Additional benefits, you will have more realistic expectations for yourselves in the situation, and you won't beat yourselves up over your perceived failure.

Since I wrote this late last night, I did fail to mention that he does have something called APD (Auditory Processing Disorder) He was diagnosed with it 4 years ago. Not much we can do for it at home since the device we need is NOT covered by insurance and its waay too much for us to afford out of pocket. But he is getting what he needs for it at school. And that makes a difference. He was screened for ADHD and does not have it. But I am pretty sure he has anxiety. I think he worries more than he should for his age. I've been helping him with that at home too tho.

 

[LiveLaughLove]

He is 12. He is acting like a 12 year old boy. That doesn't mean that he should be allowed to do these things but rather that he needs a bit more supervision and parenting. These aren't horrible crimes, especially for a tween aged child. Take away his right to do these things unsupervised "I'm sorry, but you have shown that you are not old enough to use the tools unsupervised so you will have to wait until someone has time to watch you use them until you are old enough to take care of them properly". Take away his privileges to do things allowed to older children since he still needs a "mommy" to make sure he can follow basic rules like not eating in the living room (where are you or his dad when he is breaking this rule)? And then thank God that you have a normal 12 year old child who does well at school and your "wits end" is simple normal tween behavior by not always cleaning up after himself.
(There are plenty of adults who don't do these things either and somehow live successful decent lives anyway.)

I get it's normal teen behavior but for me there is a line that needs to be drawn for it and he has crossed it. So I feel the need to find a way to get him to listen better. Not perfectly but better than what he does.
For the eating in the living room part...most of the time he does it when we are not around. Like running errands, out with friends, at work, or even when I am in my room catching up on my shows. We can't be around our kids 24/7 Although, in times like this, I wish I could.

 

[mina]

Maybe he needs things really really clear to him? Make a chart with the specific rules and put it in a central place like the kitchen. Go over it with him and ask him directly if he understands each one. Sometimes 12 year old boys can be really immature even if they are being really responsible in other areas like at school. Repetition and having the rules visually in front of him is just what some kids need, even at 12. If it continues, then make up some consequences and make them also really really clear to him and follow through.

 

[Sabertooth]

Since I wrote this late last night, I did fail to mention that he does have something called APD (Auditory Processing Disorder) He was diagnosed with it 4 years ago. Not much we can do for it at home since the device we need is NOT covered by insurance and its waay too much for us to afford out of pocket.

If the school recognizes this condition, see if their [speech?] therapist will give you ideas for things that you can do at home (in lieu of the expensive device). If APD has a parenting resource agency (autism does), hit them (or other such parents [APD online forum?]) up for other ideas.

I do not know the device that you speak of. Can it be done with an app on an iPad?

Also, if his condition is debilitating enough, and your income is low enough, he can receive SSI as a minor. Even if it doesn't pay much, it will get him Medicaid which can cover the device and necessary associated therapy expenses.

 

[Hank77]

He is 12. He is acting like a 12 year old boy. That doesn't mean that he should be allowed to do these things but rather that he needs a bit more supervision and parenting. These aren't horrible crimes, especially for a tween aged child. Take away his right to do these things unsupervised "I'm sorry, but you have shown that you are not old enough to use the tools unsupervised so you will have to wait until someone has time to watch you use them until you are old enough to take care of them properly". Take away his privileges to do things allowed to older children since he still needs a "mommy" to make sure he can follow basic rules like not eating in the living room (where are you or his dad when he is breaking this rule)? And then thank God that you have a normal 12 year old child who does well at school and your "wits end" is simple normal tween behavior by not always cleaning up after himself.
(There are plenty of adults who don't do these things either and somehow live successful decent lives anyway.)

Excellent!

 

[Hank77]

Maybe he needs things really really clear to him? Make a chart with the specific rules and put it in a central place like the kitchen. Go over it with him and ask him directly if he understands each one. Sometimes 12 year old boys can be really immature even if they are being really responsible in other areas like at school. Repetition and having the rules visually in front of him is just what some kids need, even at 12. If it continues, then make up some consequences and make them also really really clear to him and follow through.

I like this idea especially seeing he has problems with processing what he hears, this gives him a visual aid. It may even be better to have him write the list himself making it both a visual and kinesthetic memory aid.

 

[blackribbon]

I get it's normal teen behavior but for me there is a line that needs to be drawn for it and he has crossed it. So I feel the need to find a way to get him to listen better. Not perfectly but better than what he does.
For the eating in the living room part...most of the time he does it when we are not around. Like running errands, out with friends, at work, or even when I am in my room catching up on my shows. We can't be around our kids 24/7 Although, in times like this, I wish I could.

He isn't a teen. He is a tween and a boy. They take a bit longer to mature. If your other one didn't do this, consider yourself lucky, but younger one is acting very normal for this age.

Yes, you need to address this since it is an issue for your family. It might take some experimenting. However, you may have to give up "catching up on your shows" and take him along on the errands, if the issue is when he is when he is not being supervised. You are still the adult and he is still a kid...not even a teenager yet. Your job is to parent. His job isn't to be perfect.

I can't help you too much because my 12 year old son had to deal with watching his father die of cancer and honestly, I didn't care where he ate, as long as he ate something reasonably healthy. I still don't care if he eats in the living room as a young adult or lets his dishes pile up in his room...as long as he gets good grades in college, is a good, hard-working employee, and loves Jesus while living a Christian life. All the dishes eventually do make it to the kitchen and he does wash them.

 

[blackribbon]

Since I wrote this late last night, I did fail to mention that he does have something called APD (Auditory Processing Disorder) He was diagnosed with it 4 years ago. Not much we can do for it at home since the device we need is NOT covered by insurance and its waay too much for us to afford out of pocket. But he is getting what he needs for it at school. And that makes a difference. He was screened for ADHD and does not have it. But I am pretty sure he has anxiety. I think he worries more than he should for his age. I've been helping him with that at home too tho.

My son had auditory processing issues. This is not a medical diagnosis but an occupational therapy diagnosis. However, you can help by making lists of things for him to look at and check off. You don't need an expensive machine. You need to work with the therapists to find out how to modify how you parent to help him become successful until he is old enough to take control and apply the modifications himself. You also have to make sure you are looking at him when giving him directions and giving him time to process the info. He also likely can't handle too many instructions at a time and needs written lists to refer to ... and since this is new, rewards for actually following through instead of only punishments.

I'd also recommend that you take your son out for a mom-son date (no one else present) over ice cream or pizza once a week and just check in to see what he is feeling anxiety over and help him come up with ideas on how to face his issues and lower his anxiety. We often forget that our kids still need us and to know they are important enough to listen to ... even if their problems don't seem that difficult to us. If it bothers them, we need to help them address them and cope. This doesn't mean you solve the problem but support him as he does the hard work himself. He is just starting the process of learning how to be a man instead of a child.

Good luck. It takes time but it is so important and so worth it.

 

[LiveLaughLove]

My son had auditory processing issues. This is not a medical diagnosis but an occupational therapy diagnosis. However, you can help by making lists of things for him to look at and check off. You don't need an expensive machine. You need to work with the therapists to find out how to modify how you parent to help him become successful until he is old enough to take control and apply the modifications himself. You also have to make sure you are looking at him when giving him directions and giving him time to process the info. He also likely can't handle too many instructions at a time and needs written lists to refer to ... and since this is new, rewards for actually following through instead of only punishments.

I'd also recommend that you take your son out for a mom-son date (no one else present) over ice cream or pizza once a week and just check in to see what he is feeling anxiety over and help him come up with ideas on how to face his issues and lower his anxiety. We often forget that our kids still need us and to know they are important enough to listen to ... even if their problems don't seem that difficult to us. If it bothers them, we need to help them address them and cope. This doesn't mean you solve the problem but support him as he does the hard work himself. He is just starting the process of learning how to be a man instead of a child.

Good luck. It takes time but it is so important and so worth it.

I'm sorry but you are wrong about it being an occupational therapist diagnosis. You child may have had auditory processing issues and it didnt last but my son has auditory processing disorder and it does NOT go away. It's a life long thing that he has to learn to deal and manage. We had to go to an audiologist to get a diagnosis not an occupational therapist, which he had to take a 3 hr test alone in a room with the audiologist...he was 7..almost 8 at the time. And there IS special equipment that he needs. It's called the FM system The school has one they use with him, which is why he is doing great in school with getting A's and B's. We could get one but it's out of our budget and we cant afford it. But I don't think u fully understand what APD is. So please dont tell me what it isnt because I know what I am talking about. I've been helping my son for 4 years with him on this by my self at home. APD is rare and isnt well known. My sons pediatrician didnt even know it existed. Not a lot of Doctors in general know about it. A lot of Insurance companies dont even know about it. Many teachers dont know about it. BUT my sons school therapist found it in a book she was reading,, did her own research on it and then talked to me. When she read off the symptoms, I about cried. He had EVERY single one of them. We new at that point that's what he had, after trying to figure out for years what was wrong with him. But they needed the official diagnosis to move forward in helping him at school. We searched for an audiologist in our area that would test him for it..we found ONE.

He has seen and "graduated" from the therapist 2 years ago.

I spend time with my child, alone, once a week. Sometimes more. I am doing everything I feel my son needs and to be the best advocate for him. Maybe he is just stubborn and this is just who he is. But I can still try.
Thank you!

 

[blackribbon]

I didn't mean to offend you. But yes, my son has several sensory processing including auditory processing disorder. Honestly, maybe things have changed but my son was diagnosed very young ... possibly around age 4 and he is now 23. I had no help and had to learn about it by myself. I was told that it wasn't a "medical" diagnosis when he had other issues show up when he was 19. I had no reason to look it up at the time because it wasn't an auditory issue this time but more related to tactile issues resurfacing. I never said it could be cured but it can be managed and his behaviors modified. I also noticed it was likely to be an issue during his growth spurts, which I assumed meant he had less energy and coping skills to manage the processing issues when all his energy was focuses on growing. My daughter also has sensory integration disorder but hers are tactile and some big word that means she often has difficulty knowing where she is in space and throw that on top of ADHD from the womb ... And you will know I have spent my life (still do) helping my kids fit in a world that doesn't understand them. It can be tiring as a parent but I also have a very close relationship with both of them as they move into adulthood where they have to be able to recognize when it is an issue and modify themselves. But they are doing a pretty good job most of the time. And I don't wish to go back to the days when my son would collapse in tears on the pitchers mound because a train pass the backfield and he wasn't expecting it. He processed that mildly loud sound as being horribly loud and painful ... Unless I had time time to prepare him that he might hear a train so he was expecting it.

 

[blackribbon]

Oh, my son pitched through high school by learning to only listen for his coach's voice and turned off all other sounds. I can't tell how he did it, but that is how he explained it and why it wasn't an issue as he got older.

As for the delay in processing sounds, I still have to make sure to pause after asking him to do something...and often need to make him repeat it back to make sure he actually processed what I asked him.

 

[carp614]

My 12 year old is much more difficult to deal with than my oldest.

I have found this book to be full of useful insights:
For Parents Only: Getting inside the Head of Your Kid by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A Rice.

Here is what the Lord is leading me to do differently:

• Gentleness - I am learning to approach her with a spirit of gentleness, even when I have to give her a stern rebuke.
  
• Patience - I'm learning that she doesn't actually have to get 100% of what I'm trying to teach her every single time I speak. I'm learning that she hears more of what I tell her than she wants me to think she heard.
  
• Be the calm foundation - This one is probably the hardest one. No matter what she says, no matter how she reacts, no matter how terrible the hurt from her words, no matter how big my fear is for her, I can't never give her any doubt that I love her, that God loves her. I imagine her as a swirling tempest dancing around me while I stand firm in loving kindness to her, ready to receive her as the Lord has been ready to receive me.
  
• Pray without ceasing - I go to the Lord in prayer for my 12 year old more than any other topic. She sometimes consumes most of my prayer life.
  
• Perspective - I constantly remind myself that my daughter is actually a pretty great kid. She gets amazing grades. Her teachers all think highly of her, not just her brains but her character too. Her friends are of good quality. So, yes there are things I'm concerned about, but overall she is a fantastic young lady.

I'm sure your son is a wonderful young man and will turn out to be a man you will be proud of. Love him recklessly and show him God's unending affection for him and I'm certain the Lord will bless your whole family.