Honey what's being done and said here is to help you see, what most of us have already seen, we are trying to save you from the pain we have felt. One good place to start would be asking God to show you your identity in HIM.
Lots of people never grow up and even in their 40's are still looking for their identity, meaning who they are, where they are going, what they are doing, my character is this, I stand for that, I will not tolerate this, I love that.......... and so on.
Find your identity in Christ, let Him lead you and quit trying to do it in your own strength, let HIM drive the car, let HIM show you how, when, where and what. Trust me, I would trade that age with you in a heartbeat and you'd see fire behind me, OH the things I would do differently, we just trying to help you, and I know you can't see it, but we do, we've seen it and were just trying to warn you.
The last thing you need to do is work in a spirit of rebellion, and it seems I hear a tad of that happening. Just let go and relax, take a deep breath and realize there's no ticking clock against you as you think there is, HE will give you the desires of your heart, ONCE you start living totally and completely for HIM.