Intimacy issues and divorce

[MsKT]

My husband of 10 years no longer is interested in becoming intimate with me. He says that his sexual needs exceed my capabilities and comfort level. He told me yesterday he was considering divorce or at least a separation. We have done counseling at our old church but he’s not interested in sharing our problems with the new church we attend. It’s embarrassing for us both but I am willing to try. I have no libido after 3 kids and attempts at improving it unsuccessful. Other than intimacy issues our marriage is great! Any advice?

 

[Endeavourer]

Is your lack of libido:
-because the act is painful?
-because you don't enjoy the act with him due to demands or behaviors he has about it?
-because you don't feel emotionally connected to him when it is time for the act?

If not the above, is there any other reason you can identify for the lack of libido?

Women can enjoy the emotional connection expressed and received during the act even if their libido is not into it at that moment; is enjoying the act even at this level something your feelings/libido prevents you from participating in?

 

[Endeavourer]

He says that his sexual needs exceed my capabilities and comfort level.

Does he watch porn?

 

[MsKT]

Is your lack of libido:
-because the act is painful?
-because you don't enjoy the act with him due to demands or behaviors he has about it?
-because you don't feel emotionally connected to him when it is time for the act?

If not the above, is there any other reason you can identify for the lack of libido?

Women can enjoy the emotional connection expressed and received during the act even if their libido is not into it at that moment; is enjoying the act even at this level something your feelings/libido prevents you from participating in?

It’s not that I don’t enjoy it. Everything is ok when the time comes but I just have no interest in sex at all and I don’t know why. He pleases me very well every time we’re intimate i [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] but sex is mostly done to satisfy his needs. I can honestly go without it. He says that he wants me to have the cravings like he has for me instead of just laying down for him just because it’s that time of the week etc..I’m ok with this but he isn’t.

 

[MsKT]

Does he watch porn?

I think he does now but in the past he was against it. And I don’t watch it either

 

[Endeavourer]

He says that his sexual needs exceed my capabilities and comfort level.

I think he does [watch porn] now

So this is a problem. He is seeking a sexual stimulation experience where you compare unfavorably to what he is seeing. In him, this problem is being manifested in his dissatisfaction in what he has with you. You will not be able to compete with the fake sex he is being stimulated with here.

Further, if he self satisfies during his stimulation, he becomes less able to perform with natural stimulation, so it is a self fulfilling prophecy that natural relations become less and less desirable.

Sexual balance in your marriage will not be achieved unless he saves all of his sexual experiences for you.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy it. Everything is ok when the time comes but I just have no interest in sex at all and I don’t know why. He pleases me very well every time we’re intimate i [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] but sex is mostly done to satisfy his needs.

This is extremely encouraging information.You absolutely have the essentials you need to have a mutually satisfying intimate relationship. This problem can be fixed if he is willing to stop watching porn and focus his sexual energy only on his marriage. As long as you are willing to engage when the time comes and enjoy the experience, you are miles ahead of most other couples with sexual frustrations. There could easily be 100 (or 100's) of men on this board that would be thrilled if their wife were willing when the time comes, and able to enjoy the experience. You are not the problem here.

Porn can cause a man to want something just a little more risque, and then just a little more, etc etc until they are unsatisfied with what most people would label "normal" sexual experiences. Do a little looking around (without letting on to him) to see what kind of porn he watches. Don't ask or he may hide it better. Porn can range from fairly routine to crazy, to demented to criminal. If it's one of the latter categories you may have a larger problem than you realize.

On this forum a while ago someone posted for help when she found her husband was into fettish porn where it included fantasies about cutting her up and eating her. There was actually a community of people online with fetishes like that and he shared her picture with them, etc etc., so in that case everyone here was recommending she escape the marriage ASAP as you never know where that will go. Your husband has hopefully not gone towards something of that nature!

However, his porn use does seem to have gone to a place where "normal" sex does not adequately stimulate him anymore, which was the huge red flag to me in your original post, and which is why I asked you about porn. So, you need to find out what type of porn he watches. Get a better handle on the scope of your problem so you can plan how to fix it. If it's criminal porn, your children may not be safe if you to stick around to fix it. Don't discount anything until you know what the truth is. I hope and pray that extreme porn is not the problem and that your fix will be much more simple.

I'll be leaving tomorrow for a vacation out of country so I won't be able to help you for a while. However, my own marriage has been very successful because of the help I received from marriagebuilders.com. On that site is a guidance forum staffed by trained volunteers, supervised by an expert Christian marriage psychologist, who can give you step by step help on how to resolve your problem. Post what you find there and they can help you.

I follow the marriagebuilders.com methods and my marriage is ah! mazing. I never knew it could be so wonderful. The same outcome is possible for anyone who follows the advice they give, which is based on Dr. Harley's research of what worked or didn't work in 10,000's of couples.

I'll be praying for you.

(((Hugs)))

 

[Endeavourer]

It’s not that I don’t enjoy it. Everything is ok when the time comes

I can honestly go without it.

Btw, this is very normal for many women, particularly when they are busy with small children. We don't have testosterone that builds up that physical craving in the way men do. We're happy to respond and enjoy these connections, but we don't go crazy if we can't have it in frequent intervals... or even sometimes quite extended intervals.

GENERALLY speaking of course. Some women do have more frequent cravings than others. That also depends on age, level of physical activity, the woman's drive for physical activity, etc. An increased sexual desire for a woman often corresponds to a higher level of activity.

But, your typical mom of 3 small children who can barely find a moment to shower and certainly could not go to on a 5 mile run whenever the whim strikes will often be just like you.

 

[Endeavourer]

My husband of 10 years no longer is interested in becoming intimate with me. He says that his sexual needs exceed my capabilities and comfort level. He told me yesterday he was considering divorce or at least a separation.

One other aspect I wanted to alert you to:

He is ready to:
--forsake his wife
--break up his children's home and subject them to the devastation of divorce
--be on the hook for child support for 3 children (this doesn't leave much left over for him)
--potentially have to pay alimony to you for 10 years
--lose 1/2 of everything he owns now
--obliterate any capacity to make financial progress until the children are grown
--have everyone he knows be exposed to the fact that he left his marriage for more exciting sex

Someone doesn't face financial ruin on a whim. There is likely a strong addiction driving this. Something he cares about more than his money or his kids, and certainly more than his marriage.

The addiction could either be a sexual addiction to these pornographic ideas that exceed the excitement of "normal" sex -and/or- there could be another person involved. Falling in love with someone is very much developing an addiction to them. Successfully breaking up affairs and saving marriages follow similar methods of breaking up addictions.

While you are looking around to see what kind of porn he might be using, also look to see if he might be connecting with someone else. Again, DON'T ask. Reading between the lines of his "exceeds my capabilities and comfort level", I would keep your eyes open for a connection of either gender.

99% of people in an affair deny it very convincingly (a LOT depends upon you not knowing about it) when asked, and then hide it better. So this delays your knowledge of the truth. The longer an affair continues, the less possible it is for the betrayed spouse to break it up and save their marriage.

 

[RaymondG]

It would be unwise to try and find problems in others before fixing the ones in ourselves. After you are the perfect wife, or your idea of one.....then you can look for imperfections in your Husband.

Very unwise to show no interest in being intimate with your husband and then turn around and show a lot of interest in whether or not he is intimate with someone else......It give off the feeling that you just dont want him to be happy......you dont want to give him intimacy and then you want to make sure no one else will give it to him as well.

I would dismiss any notion to spy on your husband or snoop in anyway. Be the best you that you can be and your husband will follow suit.

 

[MsKT]

So this is a problem. He is seeking a sexual stimulation experience where you compare unfavorably to what he is seeing. In him, this problem is being manifested in his dissatisfaction in what he has with you. You will not be able to compete with the fake sex he is being stimulated with here.

Further, if he self satisfies during his stimulation, he becomes less able to perform with natural stimulation, so it is a self fulfilling prophecy that natural relations become less and less desirable.

Sexual balance in your marriage will not be achieved unless he saves all of his sexual experiences for you.



This is extremely encouraging information.You absolutely have the essentials you need to have a mutually satisfying intimate relationship. This problem can be fixed if he is willing to stop watching porn and focus his sexual energy only on his marriage. As long as you are willing to engage when the time comes and enjoy the experience, you are miles ahead of most other couples with sexual frustrations. There could easily be 100 (or 100's) of men on this board that would be thrilled if their wife were willing when the time comes, and able to enjoy the experience. You are not the problem here.

Porn can cause a man to want something just a little more risque, and then just a little more, etc etc until they are unsatisfied with what most people would label "normal" sexual experiences. Do a little looking around (without letting on to him) to see what kind of porn he watches. Don't ask or he may hide it better. Porn can range from fairly routine to crazy, to demented to criminal. If it's one of the latter categories you may have a larger problem than you realize.

On this forum a while ago someone posted for help when she found her husband was into fettish porn where it included fantasies about cutting her up and eating her. There was actually a community of people online with fetishes like that and he shared her picture with them, etc etc., so in that case everyone here was recommending she escape the marriage ASAP as you never know where that will go. Your husband has hopefully not gone towards something of that nature!

However, his porn use does seem to have gone to a place where "normal" sex does not adequately stimulate him anymore, which was the huge red flag to me in your original post, and which is why I asked you about porn. So, you need to find out what type of porn he watches. Get a better handle on the scope of your problem so you can plan how to fix it. If it's criminal porn, your children may not be safe if you to stick around to fix it. Don't discount anything until you know what the truth is. I hope and pray that extreme porn is not the problem and that your fix will be much more simple.

I'll be leaving tomorrow for a vacation out of country so I won't be able to help you for a while. However, my own marriage has been very successful because of the help I received from marriagebuilders.com. On that site is a guidance forum staffed by trained volunteers, supervised by an expert Christian marriage psychologist, who can give you step by step help on how to resolve your problem. Post what you find there and they can help you.

I follow the marriagebuilders.com methods and my marriage is ah! mazing. I never knew it could be so wonderful. The same outcome is possible for anyone who follows the advice they give, which is based on Dr. Harley's research of what worked or didn't work in 10,000's of couples.

I'll be praying for you.

(((Hugs)))

Thank you for the support and prayers. Since our daughter was born my libido bottomed out and mood swings became a pattern with me as well. I feel somewhat responsible for him drifting away sexually. His interest in being sexual with me diminished to almost non existent but was acceptable considering every other aspect of our marriage is great. Our old pastor before we moved hinted at maybe an affair and being aware of the possibility but I honestly know where he is all day every day. His computer is shared by other employees at his work so I have no way of knowing exactly what he looks at. He would probably just tell me if I asked him directly. We have always been open with each other and honestly i wouldn’t feel comfortable trying to spy on him.
I’m just afraid to push him any further away than he already is. His dad recently passed and it’s been hard for him so he needs me now more than ever. I’m just so confused on what to do. I do care about his feelings but he thinks I have become cold and bitter. Should I ask him to see a specialist?

 

[MsKT]

It would be unwise to try and find problems in others before fixing the ones in ourselves. After you are the perfect wife, or your idea of one.....then you can look for imperfections in your Husband.

Very unwise to show no interest in being intimate with your husband and then turn around and show a lot of interest in whether or not he is intimate with someone else......It give off the feeling that you just dont want him to be happy......you dont want to give him intimacy and then you want to make sure no one else will give it to him as well.

I would dismiss any notion to spy on your husband or snoop in anyway. Be the best you that you can be and your husband will follow suit.

I agree Raymond and this is where I’m confused. How do I highlight my disapproval of his interest in self satisfaction when I may be the direct cause of it? We were always engaged very much to each other’s needs but mine have disappeared so the mutual aspect is somewhat imbalanced. And this makes the experience with me less than desirable. I do let him please me whenever he wants even if I am tired or having a mood but he no longer even wants that because he says it he can tell I’m just doing it for him instead of my own desire. I do initate the act but apparently it’s still not good enough

 

[Endeavourer]

It would be unwise to try and find problems in others before fixing the ones in ourselves. After you are the perfect wife, or your idea of one.....then you can look for imperfections in your Husband.

This invites the grave error of sin leveling. She is about to lose her husband because his sexual appetite is elsewhere. It's like hammering the mote to shreds while you gladly hire a crane to carry the beam. Meanwhile her marriage is crumbling.

Very unwise to show no interest in being intimate with your husband and then turn around and show a lot of interest in whether or not he is intimate with someone else.....

But this is not the case. She is not showing "no" interest, she is willing to have an enjoyable time.

It give off the feeling that you just dont want him to be happy......you dont want to give him intimacy and then you want to make sure no one else will give it to him as well.

WHaaat? This is advice on a Christian forum? My husband VERY WELL understands that I absolutely am ALL about exclusivity in a marriage and that I certainly DO want to make sure no one else is giving it to him. This is the craziest piece of advice I ever heard. RaymondG, have you ever had an affair? This sounds like foggy advice.

I would dismiss any notion to spy on your husband or snoop in anyway. Be the best you that you can be and your husband will follow suit.

Ok, so just waste your life in pain and suffering as a betrayed wife while your husband excludes you, instead of being exclusive to you.

How do I highlight my disapproval of his interest in self satisfaction when I may be the direct cause of it?

I do initate the act but apparently it’s still not good enough

MsKT, your perspective is skewed. In spite of your challenges and libido changes, etc, you are still willing to enjoy the experience when the time comes. Full stop. You are NOT the direct cause of something. It's likely his porn or an affair is the cause of it.

Your pastor was counseling you in person and he also sensed a sexual infidelity. I'm a stranger on the internet and it was pretty obvious to me that his sexual appetites are not exclusive to the marriage.

My flight will be leaving soon so I can't help much more, but please go to marriagebuilders for step by step help. They will help you take the steps you need to figure out your problem and come up with an actionable plan.

 

[RaymondG]

Note: what Im saying is not related to religion or anything spiritual........It only pertains to the flesh.....interpretations for the former would be different.

Men likes to feel desired and wanted...maybe even needed..... This is not experienced when one expresses a attitude akin to :"Ok, we can if you want to," before being intimate.

Outside of addressing medical reasons for the lack of interest....I would suggest faking it until you make it. Pretend that you are very interested.......Initiate it many hours before bedtime.......send a text letting him know you want him when he gets home..... Buy lingerie that you know he will like to see you in....etc.. This would be making a sacrifice for the good of your marriage and putting the feelings of your spouse before your own......two propositions not uncommon to healthy marriages.

 

[Endeavourer]

Note: what Im saying is not related to religion or anything spiritual........It only pertains to the flesh.....interpretations for the former would be different.

Men likes to feel desired and wanted...maybe even needed..... This is not experienced when one expresses a attitude akin to :"Ok, we can if you want to," before being intimate.

Outside of addressing medical reasons for the lack of interest....I would suggest faking it until you make it. Pretend that you are very interested.......Initiate it many hours before bedtime.......send a text letting him know you want him when he gets home..... Buy lingerie that you know he will like to see you in....etc.. This would be making a sacrifice for the good of your marriage and putting the feelings of your spouse before your own......two propositions not uncommon to healthy marriages.

This will get her nowhere if her husband is in an affair or pursuing an addiction outside of her.

He has already informed and shown her that is the case. He is willing to subject his children to a broken home and head into financial ruin to get satisfaction different than he has in a wife who is willing and enjoys a connection in spite of struggling with health challenges.

What are you basing this advice on? It sounds like a great way to stir up a sexual aversion on her part. It's pretty yucky for a woman to go through all of that while her husband states "his sexual needs exceed my capabilities and comfort level."

 

[RaymondG]

This invites the grave error of sin leveling. She is about to lose her husband because his sexual appetite is elsewhere. It's like hammering the mote to shreds while you gladly hire a crane to carry the beam. Meanwhile her marriage is crumbling.

She is not about to lose anything or anyone. If she has God she has everything....and If she desires to keep the marriage, God will give her the desires of her heart. Her married is like unto fresh baked bread right out of the oven.....no crumbling in sight. I encourage the OPer to pressed on through the doubting of others.

We can spend a lifetime changing the world, or a second to be changed ourselves....whom the son sets free is free indeed.

But this is not the case. She is not showing "no" interest, she is willing to have an enjoyable time.

So you have no experience in this area. The adult industry would cease if all the woman just laid there and appeared uninterested. no man would desire this.

WHaaat? This is advice on a Christian forum? My husband VERY WELL understands that I absolutely am ALL about exclusivity in a marriage and that I certainly DO want to make sure no one else is giving it to him. This is the craziest piece of advice I ever heard. RaymondG, have you ever had an affair? This sounds like foggy advice.

You cannot project your issues and problems on others.....everyone and situation is different. One who has to check up on their spouse is not in a healthy marriage. If you desire for your opinions to be respected it would be unwise to project your words and website as the only truth while dismissing the advice of others as crazy.

I've never seen you give positive advise to any couple.....it is always fear for cheating and then directions to your site.

Ok, so just waste your life in pain and suffering as a betrayed wife while your husband excludes you, instead of being exclusive to you.

To constantly be checking on a spouse in fear of possible cheating is suffering.....the kind that I would wish on no man or women. God is in control and all things work together for good. If a spouse leaves, it is because God has a better plan for me......For God to take control, I have to move out of the way......but lets not get too spiritual...

Searching for the negative can only bring negativity.......why not search for the good instead?

MsKT, your perspective is skewed. In spite of your challenges and libido changes, etc, you are still willing to enjoy the experience when the time comes. Full stop. You are NOT the direct cause of something. It's likely his porn or an affair is the cause of it.

Your pastor was counseling you in person and he also sensed a sexual infidelity. I'm a stranger on the internet and it was pretty obvious to me that his sexual appetites are not exclusive to the marriage.

My flight will be leaving soon so I can't help much more, but please go to marriagebuilders for step by step help. They will help you take the steps you need to figure out your problem and come up with an actionable plan.

You read a few lines of only one side of the story.....and you believe yourself able to know the whole problem and give the whole solution.....in which non of it suggests trusting in God... I believe this speaks for itself.

 

[RaymondG]

This will get her nowhere if her husband is in an affair or pursuing an addiction outside of her.

He has already informed and shown her that is the case. He is willing to subject his children to a broken home and head into financial ruin to get satisfaction different than he has in a wife who is willing and enjoys a connection in spite of struggling with health challenges.

What are you basing this advice on? It sounds like a great way to stir up a sexual aversion on her part. It's pretty yucky for a woman to go through all of that while her husband states "his sexual needs exceed my capabilities and comfort level."

All the accusations and negativity in the OPers marriage was put there by you...... I read no red flags and saw no signs of cheating in the words that I read. Of course one can assume anything is going on because of the intimacy issues described in the OP....but this would only be a guess based on the guessers personal experiences and is not true for all. It is best to fix the intimacy issues instead of focusing on possible effects of them.

 

[MsKT]

This invites the grave error of sin leveling. She is about to lose her husband because his sexual appetite is elsewhere. It's like hammering the mote to shreds while you gladly hire a crane to carry the beam. Meanwhile her marriage is crumbling.



But this is not the case. She is not showing "no" interest, she is willing to have an enjoyable time.



WHaaat? This is advice on a Christian forum? My husband VERY WELL understands that I absolutely am ALL about exclusivity in a marriage and that I certainly DO want to make sure no one else is giving it to him. This is the craziest piece of advice I ever heard. RaymondG, have you ever had an affair? This sounds like foggy advice.



Ok, so just waste your life in pain and suffering as a betrayed wife while your husband excludes you, instead of being exclusive to you.



MsKT, your perspective is skewed. In spite of your challenges and libido changes, etc, you are still willing to enjoy the experience when the time comes. Full stop. You are NOT the direct cause of something. It's likely his porn or an affair is the cause of it.

Your pastor was counseling you in person and he also sensed a sexual infidelity. I'm a stranger on the internet and it was pretty obvious to me that his sexual appetites are not exclusive to the marriage.

My flight will be leaving soon so I can't help much more, but please go to marriagebuilders for step by step help. They will help you take the steps you need to figure out your problem and come up with an actionable plan.

Ive

This invites the grave error of sin leveling. She is about to lose her husband because his sexual appetite is elsewhere. It's like hammering the mote to shreds while you gladly hire a crane to carry the beam. Meanwhile her marriage is crumbling.



But this is not the case. She is not showing "no" interest, she is willing to have an enjoyable time.



WHaaat? This is advice on a Christian forum? My husband VERY WELL understands that I absolutely am ALL about exclusivity in a marriage and that I certainly DO want to make sure no one else is giving it to him. This is the craziest piece of advice I ever heard. RaymondG, have you ever had an affair? This sounds like foggy advice.



Ok, so just waste your life in pain and suffering as a betrayed wife while your husband excludes you, instead of being exclusive to you.



MsKT, your perspective is skewed. In spite of your challenges and libido changes, etc, you are still willing to enjoy the experience when the time comes. Full stop. You are NOT the direct cause of something. It's likely his porn or an affair is the cause of it.

Your pastor was counseling you in person and he also sensed a sexual infidelity. I'm a stranger on the internet and it was pretty obvious to me that his sexual appetites are not exclusive to the marriage.

My flight will be leaving soon so I can't help much more, but please go to marriagebuilders for step by step help. They will help you take the steps you need to figure out your problem and come up with an actionable plan.

i really do believe he is attracted to me and our libido levels were always in sync until a few years ago it just became such a struggle for me to get into it I really don’t know why but I never held it against him if he wanted to please his self as long as he remained faithful to me. He never watched porn (at least admittingly) until after I was being treated for depression and he became distant more like roommates. I do know he had ED problems around the same time and something with his pancreis that caused great pain so we both had struggles but maintained our commitment even though we were both bitter towards the other. He’s never came out and said that he isn’t attracted to me but said he’s no longer interested in seeing me just “lay down for him”. And he couldn’t stand the look I had when we made love. Was I wrong for just doing the deed even though I wasn’t into it?
Our pastor wasn’t suggesting that he was cheating on me but said something about if I was available and he still looked elsewhere for gratification then there may be another person. He even asked him in a polite way one day. But I feel like I wasn’t available sexually and became more interested in our kids and our family life. I have bought lingerie and tried to add excitement but with 3 kids it’s hard to find time for much of anything. Someone mentioned separating for a while instead of divorce but it’s not completely up to me at this point. He has said that he doesn’t want to separate.
Enjoy your vacation and thanks for hearing me! I’m looking up for the sake of our children!

 

[Endeavourer]

All the accusations and negativity in the OPers marriage was put there by you...... I read no red flags and saw no signs of cheating

My husband of 10 years no longer is interested in becoming intimate with me. He says that his sexual needs exceed my capabilities and comfort level. He told me yesterday he was considering divorce or at least a separation.

He's ready to leave his wife and break up his children's home, subjecting them to a life that has a high risk of dysfunctional disorders in order to assuage a different sexual appetite, and that's not a negative situation in your estimation?

 

[RaymondG]

He's ready to leave his wife and break up his children's home, subjecting them to a life that has a high risk of dysfunctional disorders in order to assuage a different sexual appetite, and that's not a negative situation in your estimation?

You only care about and see one side. We need advice from people who can understand both sides........who can consider both sides in any solution.

Who draws conclusions without hearing the whole matter?....And with such vigor.... proclaiming that they know the truth of the whole matter, condemning all other advise as false? I'll tell you who.....One who I would not want counseling me on any matter.

 

[Endeavourer]

How are you doing, @MsKT ?