I'm a survivor

[mesue]

Hi
My name is Sue and I am a survivor of a world of abuse I suffered as a child.
I am also a leader for a local Celebrate Recovery group. For those of you who haven't heard of Celebrate Recovery, it's a 12 step, Biblically based, recovery program for any habit, hurt or hang up. I help to lead a depression group. For more information, you can go here: http://www.celebraterecovery.com/index.asp
Last week I gave my testimony at the recovery meeting. The Lord used it to reach out to a few people, and I praise Him and give Him all the glory. I would like to take this opportunity to share it with you because I feel that in sharing one another's burdens, there is healing. And, maybe this would encourage someone to seek help. God is so good and merciful in His kindness.

 

[mesue]

It may be kinda long, but this is my story, to God be the glory (I love that hymn)​

A Testimony​

By Sue ​

My name is Sue. I am a blood bought forgiven child of God. I currently struggle with depression and food addiction. I have struggled with childhood beatings and malicious words at the hands of my mother and regular raping by an older half-brother. Somehow, the words “Child Abuse” and “Incest” or “Molestation” are just too mild of words to describe what I have suffered as a child at the hands of these people. They seem so mild for what I had gone through. Which I think is the root of my depression and food addiction.

When I was about 10 years old my mother said that if I died tomorrow she would cry for 3 days so that the neighbors would think she was sad, but after that she would dance on my grave because she would be happy to see me dead. She often poked me with knives. I remember having kids over from my 6th grade class. These were kids that I didn’t ever hang out with outside of school. To this day, I don’t know why they were there. Some of these kids were the same kids that made fun of me because I was a small child. I remember getting beat in the kitchen with these kids in audience as I was flung around the kitchen by my hair and slapped and kicked. I was so humiliated. I just wanted to die.

So, I tried to do just that. I went to my room, took the laces out of my sneakers, I tied one end to the headboard and the other around my neck. I tried to lie on my pillow and die. I felt my head throb, I heard the rush in my ears, and saw things, like stars, floating in front of me. Something told me to stop, so I did. This was my childhood low. Maybe I was too cowardly to finish the job, maybe it was a Higher Power, the Holy Spirit. I would like to think that I was the Holy Spirit guiding me so I could stand before you today.

I had a half brother that took advantage of my mother’s beatings. He would threaten me to beat me with a belt “like ma did” if I didn’t let him have his way with me. Sometimes I had a choice of how.

I began to look for comfort in drugs and alcohol when I was about 13 years old. This was the beginning of my path to self destruction. I didn’t see it that way at the time. I thought I was in control of my life. Finally, I can do something fun and feel good too. I didn’t have a right relationship with the Lord at the time.

I first ran away from home when I was 14 years old. The more I ran away, the more things I experimented with. I have tried every drug at least once, except heroin. I think that was the Holy Spirit’s protection and God allowing me to only go so far. I sold my plasma to get food, drugs and cigarettes. I have slept in the oddest places. I became pregnant when I was 17 years old. I married that man. I left him a year later because he was very abusive towards me. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life as beat as the beginning of my life. I was on public assistance when I was 19 years old. I was on my own, again.

I dated guys that were not very nice; some had “Colors” on their leather jackets. Most were abusive relationships, but in an “acceptable” way. I was considered cool by their standards. I did dangerous things and I was still into drugs, but not when my son was home. My drug of choice then was cocaine. I could trade food stamps for it. I did a couple of times but I knew I couldn’t let my son go hungry. That was my adult low. At that point I knew I needed to change my life. I knew I was my son’s role model and I didn’t like the model I was presenting him with.

I decided I was going to change. I went to college, and pursued a business degree. I wanted the 2 martini lunches. This would have been more acceptable way to consume alcohol. Glamorous, I thought. At that time period was the commercial of a woman bringing home the bacon and frying it up in a pan. I so wanted to be her, until I found out how much education was involved to make good money. It was then that I changed curriculums to Nursing, and that is how I stand before you today, as a nurse.

I thought I had such control. I did everything in my power to do what was good and right. I even thought I had a relationship with the Lord. I remember praying to Him for a husband. I asked for a friend as a husband. I had no one in particular at the time; I just knew I wanted to marry a friend. God gave me a best friend to marry, and I am still married to him today. I remember bringing him to my parent’s house and my mother asked me what was wrong with him? He’s too nice. He’s nothing like I ever dated. Now I have the nice guy.

I had control of my life. I had the power to make my life go in the course I wanted it to go. But I still felt I was missing something, I didn’t know what that something was. There was a void in my life that nothing could fill. If you had told me back then that I had a wrong relationship with the Lord, I would have laughed in your face, told you where to go, and exactly how to get there, wherever “there” was.

I went to church every Sunday. I was “good”. Just ask me, I would have told you how good I was. The Jesus says in Matthew 19:17: “… there is none good but one, that is, God.” Even so, I thought I was so good and so in control. Except, I couldn’t control my husband, not that he needed extra controlling as a husband he was pretty good by the worlds standard of good husbandry, but the things I thought I should control in him, like when he would go hunting, or see his friends, he wouldn’t let me. The nerve! I’m the “better half”! I should have control. I almost left my husband for something “better” because I felt no control in our marriage, and knew I was missing something. I had no earthly idea what that something was, but I knew I wanted it and needed. I praise God my husband said “No, we are not getting a divorce.” It was at this time in my life that I was introduced to the Bible. In 1996 God, in His infinite mercy and grace lead me to read more and more. I struggled between my control and power and His for a long time, 3 years. I really thought that I was “good” enough; after all, look at where I came from. How could I not be good enough? I was improved by the world’s standards. Jesus says in Mark 10:18: … there is none good but one, that is, God.

The Bible says in 2 Peter 3:9: “The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.” He put circumstance after circumstance in my path that led me to Him. I struggled for a long time between the church I was going to and where God wanted me. I was afraid to change. I didn’t want to let goof the control I thought I had. But, it wasn’t really my control in the first place. The control belongs to God. I, finally, realized that I needed to let go of this control. I realized that the void in my life was the forgiveness and grace that only comes from God through Jesus Christ and not anything I could do or say. I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior in January of 1999. I praise Him for His longsuffering. I stand here a new creature in Him.

So, how did I get here at Celebrate Recovery? It certainly wasn’t of my doing. I’m not recovering from drugs or alcohol, my husband isn’t either. But Celebrate Recovery isn’t just about all that. Celebrate Recovery is for any hurt, habit or hang-up. One, Sunday, I came to this church to see my friend get baptized.

Had you asked me that morning if I were to embark on a journey to change my life that day I would have laughed at you, and said “No.” I had no particular plans to change my life that morning. I was just concentrating on getting to this church on time. To be on time, alone, for me, would be life changing enough. But doesn’t God take the ordinary circumstance and use it for His honor? God has a plan for me. I really believe, now, that He set it up so that I could serve in the Celebrate Recovery ministry. It says in Esther 4:14: … and who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this? After the service I was introduced to George and Laura, and was told of their High Point Ministries that they were starting and how Celebrate Recovery was developing. I had that “Speak up!” heart thumping I get when the Holy Spirit wants me to say something. I love that and I hate that at the same time. Because it always means I have to step up to the plate and do something I’ve never done before and risk looking like a failure. But, I did it anyway because I always regret when I didn’t say “okay” to the Holy Spirit. I told Laura that I was a nurse and have life experience with difficulty and that if I could help in anyway I will.

I hadn’t heard from them and figured they must have had other people in mind. I prayed for their ministry and thought I should move on, until a package came in the mail. It was a book with a sticky note saying that the meeting was 12-12-04 at 3PM. I still have that note because it is evidence of so many answered prayers all in one sticky note. The groaning of a little girl, where all I could think to say was “Help.” The night I looked at my booklet of food stamps and asked “What am I doing?” It says in Romans 8:26: Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.

The prayers I just cried and couldn’t find the words to tell God how hurt I was, or the prayers where I was just too ashamed to say or do anything but kneel there and ask for forgiveness.

Celebrate Recovery is helping me work through some things that I have buried deep within myself. The buried things that led me to depression and food addiction. These things are a hindrance to my walk with the Lord, for example, my need for control. I have realized that I really have no control and I am powerless to change with out the Lord Jesus Christ in my life. But, the more powerless I am, the more power I have. This seems like an impossible thing, but it really isn’t. It’s just how God works. He told Paul in 2 Corinthians … My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. When I am weary and feeling alone and feel that I am nothing, I am something with Jesus. I have the power of Jesus Christ, but it’s not mine. You can have that power too, but it can only come through the Lord Jesus Christ. Celebrate Recovery has helped me see that I am not alone in my struggles. I can have power over my hurts hang-ups and habits. And has reminded me that I can lean on Jesus for everything, even the hurt I went through before I was saved, even the hurt I suffered as a little girl. Even that everyday stuff that I, in my humanness think I should control, like how long it takes me to get out of bed.

Jesus Christ, through Celebrate Recovery, is helping me to heal. I am able to reach out to someone that is hurting and not try to control their situation, but just be there for them. God has put me in a circumstance that allowed this to happen. I don’t think I would have been as effective in this situation had I not begun Celebrate Recovery. I would have been too self centered to be of any use to anyone.

My walk with God is more stable. I try to keep Jesus as part of my whole day. He’s not just relegated to my first cup of coffee. I read my Bible almost every morning, but I tended to leave Jesus on the table until the following morning.

I have received many blessings from serving in Celebrate Recovery. The Lord has shown me His comfort through going through the steps. The burden of carrying around a past full of hurt has been lifted. I don’t have to hold on to that anymore. I can just let it go.

I have made new friends and bonds in the Lord. I look forward to making more friends. I’ve been given a ministry to serve in. Celebrate Recovery is a ministry to learn and take to others, so that others can know the healing power of Jesus Christ. It says in Isaiah 41:10 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. When the Bible speaks of a right hand it is referring to Jesus. Jesus is the right hand of God. God is saying here “Don’t be afraid, I’m here. Don’t be discouraged because I am your God. You’re not alone. I will give you My strength. Yes, I will help you. Yes, I will hold you up through my right hand, Jesus.”

Through Celebrate Recovery I see through my Higher Power Jesus Christ, how I gain courage, strength and power over my hurts hang-ups and habits.



If you are new to Celebrate Recovery, or have been here a couple of weeks and are not sure this is right for you; let me encourage you to stay for a couple more weeks. If, for nothing else, it would give you something to do on a Thursday evening, and we have great food! But Celebrate Recovery is so much more that a “something to do.” It is a place to come and fellowship with others that are struggling with their hurts, hang-ups and habits. It’s a place to come and get to the root of your hurt, hang-up or habit. It’s like when I mow the lawn, (okay, my husband mows the lawn, but I watch ) and the dandelions get mowed down. They seem to be all gone, but in a couple of days they re-appear. Why? Because I didn’t get deep into the dirt to get rid of the root (neither did my husband). This is what Celebrate Recovery does. It helps us to dig deep and get to the root of our hurts hang-ups and habits through Jesus Christ our Higher Power.

If you are sitting here today and don’t know if Jesus Christ is your Higher Power, or don’t know Him as your personal Savior. If you don’t know if you were to die tonight and go straight to Heaven, or whether or not you have a home in Heaven, let me encourage you to get that settled tonight. Have someone open a Bible with you and show you how you can know for sure that Jesus loves you and wants you to have a home in Heaven.

You don’t have to wait until you are good enough. It says in Romans 3:12 …there is none that doeth good, no, not one. God wants you just as you are. Romans 5:8 says But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. He didn’t wait for anybody to become good.

Let me encourage you to do it today. It says in 2 Corinthians 6:2 … behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation. Jesus says in John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. The world is you, me, everybody in it. Jesus said “Whosoever”, that’s anybody. He didn’t say whosoever, except you, Sue your sins of murder and adultery were too bad and unforgivable. He said whosoever and I’m a whosoever.

Jesus goes on to say in the next 2 verses For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. He that believeth on him is not condemned: … Paul say in Ephesians 1:7 In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace; I’m not condemned. I’m forgiven through Jesus; He shed His blood to cover all sin, even mine, even yours.

 

[beetlequeendiva]

Wow I am amazed that you are brave enough to share your story - I have not gotten to that stage yet!!! God Bless you xx

 

[Savedsis]

Mesue, You are an inspiration......God bless....

 

[Ariel]

Thank you! I so much admire you!

I am recovering too, and I still don't know where to take all the anger.

I have forgiven, but I have not forgotten. I bless, but I still build walls. I love, but I still run from affection.....

Slowly, slowly, I am getting stronger.....but I still need help.

 

[mesue]

Thank you

I will never forget what happened to me, but I have forgiven them. I used what I have gleened from my experiences to reach out to others. God, in His infinate love and grace has given me forgiveness, how, then, could I not forgive?
It does affect relationships. For a long time, I didn't know how to be a mom or a loving and intimate wife. I struggled with that, and still do from time to time. But God brings me back around. Day by Day and with each passing moment ... I love that hymn.

 

[beetlequeendiva]

I am recovering too, and I still don't know where to take all the anger.

I have forgiven, but I have not forgotten. I bless, but I still build walls. I love, but I still run from affection.....

QUOTE]

I know what you mean. I have not forgiven yet though - that's the only difference with how you feel!!!

 

[mesue]

It's soooooo easy to build the walls, isn't it? And so hard to tear down. I still go into protect mode sometimes.

I'm praying for you, my sisters. For God's comfort and the peace that passes all understanding.

 

[beetlequeendiva]

I am trying to replace my walls with fences - so i don't have to get rid of my protection just make it a bit easier for people to get through!!!

 

[SpiritPsalmist]

The Lord loves you ladies

I just wanted to encourage you!
​

 

[Ladyday95]

Wow !!!!
am much touched with your testimony. Commend you for ablility to share. Know in God's time will also be able to share. Holding you and this forum in daily prayers for healing and strength to get through each day.....

 

[alilsa]

I still have a problem trusting anybody either. But Im trying to trust God but it isn't easy. I feel sad for the dad I never got, too. My family was never close. I don't lfet anybody get too close, because I'm afraid of getting hurt again. The problem with stuffing feelings and pain inside is that I don't know how to deal with the feelings without stuffing them and cutting so I don't hav3e to feel.anybody have a problem with all that extra feelings on how to manage after abuse on how to control it without cutting?

 

[Truly Blessed]

Thank You for sharing. Eyes tearing over at work - fortunately I work nights and by myself today.

 

[Endearing lil Influenza]

you're an inspiration!...

 

[Ariel]

Thank you Mesue for praying for us! I'm praying for you, too!

In everything I've gone through, it is my dear Father in heaven who has gotten me through it. He, and my dear husband.

I've had problems with intimacy in the past, too. Prayer healed much of it. That and a kind, patient husband.

 

[Ariel]

I still have a problem trusting anybody either. But Im trying to trust God but it isn't easy. I feel sad for the dad I never got, too. My family was never close. I don't lfet anybody get too close, because I'm afraid of getting hurt again. The problem with stuffing feelings and pain inside is that I don't know how to deal with the feelings without stuffing them and cutting so I don't hav3e to feel.anybody have a problem with all that extra feelings on how to manage after abuse on how to control it without cutting?

Yeah, sounds familiar.

Forgiving the ones who hurt me has helped me the most.

On what to do with the feelings...

Well, "forgive and forget" doesn't work. God can forgive and forget, but I can't. I can forgive by His grace, but I can't forget.

I also think it's dangerous for me to forget. I still have to deal with some of the people who hurt me. When they start into their verbal abuse, I've found that the best defense is to not take their unkind remarks personally. Rather, I say to myself, "There she goes again." I'm teaching myself to recognize their patterns of behavior, and to defend myself by realizing that I'm not the one who has a problem. THEY DO.

Nor do I allow them to drag me into their fights anymore. I tell them that I can't talk about a topic and seguay to something different. If they continue, I tell them I will need to leave. Then I do.

So what to do about the feelings. Sometimes I just cry. Or unload on my husband.

But the best thing I've found so far is getting a notebook and letting myself write down all the hurt and thoughts and even anger.

My notebook looks very ordinary--just one of those speckled composition books. Who would guess what was in it? I don't let anyone see it. There has to be some safe place for me to express the hurt. That's mine.

 

[Daisysqueaks]

Wow so much bravery for you to share about yourself. I am sure your story will do alot to help others heal. God is using you Sister! Keep up the Good work!

 

[mesue]

Wow so much bravery for you to share about yourself. I am sure your story will do alot to help others heal. God is using you Sister! Keep up the Good work!

Thank you, my prayer is that the Lord will do a good work in many hearts.

 

[Ariel]

Amen!

 

[woman.at.the.well]

Thank you for sharing your testimony. It is a true story of hope, God's love and mercy! Bless you sister in Christ!