- Nov 14, 2022
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- Divorced
That's about right. She didn't lose me, and I didn't lose her. We lost each other. After years of her manipulation and my angry reactions to it, there was nothing left to salvage. The marriage was too far gone. I tried, but there was just nothing that could be done.This sounds like a highly abusive marriage where both you and her were abusing each other. Her being abusive to you does not let you off the hook for your response, but I can understand where you are coming from here.
I have no ill-will against my ex-wife. I'm disappointed in the decisions she made - and of course my angry reactions to these didn't help things. If I knew better, I would have arranged for some third-party help to alleviate these issues. I have no way of knowing if the outcome would have been any different.
It has been debated for centuries. Frankly, I find it a bit embarrassing to the Faith as a whole that there's even any debate at all. The freedom to terminate a marriage due to a pattern of abuse should be a given. I think this is due to a number of things, including a gross misreading of Scriptures.Whether a spouse is allowed to leave an abusive marriage is very much debated in Christian circles ...
Some people read the words of Jesus at Matthew 19:6-9 and mistakenly believe that you are not allowed to divorce for any reason other than immorality. And if you do divorce, you are forever barred from marrying again lest it be considered adultery. This is asinine and brain-dead! If any and all remarriage after divorce is adultery, then either adultery was lawful under the Mosaic Law (Deuteronomy 24:2) or Jesus changed the Law (Matthew 5:17) to alter the definition of adultery. It's unbiblical either way.
Besides which, Paul the Apostle made it very clear that it is no sin to marry again at 1 Corinthians 7, verses 9, 15 (after abandonment), and 27-28. I read those verses as applicable to someone who is unmarried for any reason, regardless of any prior marital status.
One man dumped a faithful wife so he could run off with an Instagram cutie. Another man put up with years of abuse, drug use, etc and finally divorced his wife, then married a better woman five years later. I am firmly of the position that it is only the actions of the first man, not the second, that Jesus condemned as tantamount to adultery. The moral difference between the men in these two scenarios is obvious even to pagans, yet we are expected to believe God recognizes no difference!? What do they take us for? Better yet, what do they take God for?
You'll hear many people on the other side who advocate for the Permanence view of marriage (the one that says divorce is prohibited in general) claim that the Scriptures are crystal clear in support of their position. Nothing could be further from the truth. Divorce exists to provide relief to spouses in terrible positions. It was the abuse of divorce for selfish or frivolous reasons that Jesus condemned, not divorce per se. And God does not punish those who have no realistic alternative to divorce by subjecting them to unjust restrictions or second-class status. Why, oh why is this rocket science to some people!?
I've even heard many legalistic "Christians" claim that the Word of God says you must do X, you cannot do Y, and that anyone who teaches otherwise is "tickling the ears". But this assumes that the most reliable teaching on a matter is the one that is most restrictive. The truth is false teachings that tickle the ears is oftentimes legalistic. The implication being you can earn God's favor by following some legalistic formula. Legalistic doctrines often confer a false sense of holiness to the hearer while appealing to their self-righteousness and a sinful desire to consider themselves better than the unwashed cretins who do not observe their restrictive teachings on X and Y.
You could be right about this one. I've had a number of people in my life refuse to take my concerns and my boundaries seriously. I would start with a more diplomatic approach. When that didn't work, I would get coercive. If they still didn't get the message, then I would terminate the relationship in the most callous and ruthless way possible. If they didn't want that outcome, then they should have taken my warnings seriously.The problem is, abuse victims can become abusers themselves. What is worse, abusers attract abusers for marriage partners. And I'm going to be honest with you right now bro, you're using a ton of the language that my abusive dad used "unacceptable", "disrespectful", and also mirroring his attitude very strongly. "It's that simple." "nothing would change unless she was made aware that divorce is a very real possibility."
Now, I don't think you're purposefully intending to be an abuser. I don't think you think you are one. But at the very least, your wife's actions have put you on the path to becoming one, if you weren't one already ... Please, I beg of you, go see a therapist to help you fully recover...
I know it isn't what most people want to hear, but coercion and ultimatums are very effective in forcing a change that would not have happened otherwise. I don't like resorting to these. But by the time I'm going there, all other remedies have been tried - and they have received multiple warnings. They have one last chance to make things right with me - if they fail, then I cannot guarantee they will receive another opportunity in this lifetime. I know it's not pleasant, but real life is not the Hallmark Channel.
And yes, I am seeing a therapist.
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