I may have schizophrenia, negative symptoms make me unable to sense God's guidance

[InThePottersChamber]

Hi everyone

When I was 17, I got diagnosed with depression along with psychotic features. This means different things depending on a case by case basis, but for me it means that if my depressive episode lasts for too long, I get psychosis, which means I am in a state of delusion (never hallucinated, only got delusions). All throughout my life, I have always envied Christians who could 'feel' God's presence and guidance 24/7, never got depressed like me, had almost perfect discernment, and were leaders and successes in their lives. I knew that if I could sense God and his guidance 24/7 like they did I could be successful too. It's important to add however, that getting success is not my main goal and never was, I just wanted to sense God, to follow his will, of course at first this meant success, but as I matured I truly desired only God. So please don't include "you want success and not god" in your replies.

I never experienced his presence and guidance until recently. I'm 26 this year, and I was prescribe a high dosage of antipsychotics for my terrible depression, because anti depressants wouldn't work. (I suspect I have schizophrenia despite my diagnosis but that is another story, mainly, the doctor views my negative symptoms as depression...I can only get a second opinion once I graduate, because my parents don't accept I may have schizophrenia )

At first, the doctor gave me 400mg of Seroquel, but I felt no different. She eventually upped the dosage to 800mg, and although I was reluctant to take so much (just google the side effects, which range from diabetes, cholesterol and blood sugar problems, to cardiovascular problems) I decided to bite the bullet and try it out for a few weeks. Within the first day I immediately felt a difference. For the first time in my life I felt good, I felt God, I could hear from him. I received dreams, comfort, joy, and all the bad habits (sins) I was struggling with fell away. Not to mention amazing benefits like improved cognitive functions and improved memory. My spiritual mentors recognised the difference, everyone was happy for me. I was happy too, I knew I finally felt how 'normal people' do.

The trouble is, I gained 0.7kg within one week, my muscles felt weak and shrunk, I had pains and tremors in my legs, not to mention my cholesterol and blood sugar scaled the heights. My doctor went back to 400 mg Seroquel, and I don't feel good anymore. My mental illness is returning. The low dosage works to keep away the life threatening symptoms at bay, but I still feel constantly exhausted and my cognitive functioning is as bad as before. I feel so discouraged. It's like I have to choose between a healthy brain or a healthy body. I don't know why God allows me to suffer like this. I have had this illness for nine years, more, only I was diagnosed at 17... I heard that Pastor Rick Warren's son died from suicide, was this how he felt?

If anyone has schizophrenia, can you let me know how you manage the negative symptoms and how you manage to feel/hear God's guidance and presence like normal people do?

 

[Unqualified]

I don’t think you have schizophrenia because yo don’t hallucinate.
I take meds have stabilized. They have caused me same problems but not a huge weight gain. Is your doctor stopping there? See forum. Schizophrenia.com if you want to see people with weight gain. It’s a trade off sometimes, but there must be something else you could take.

the meds take care of the intensity of symptoms make them manageable, but I still have to fight, I call it, to stay at a norm.
All that stuff is not me, I still have a sound mind but I do get overloaded with it once in a while. I take thoughts captive as in 1cor10:3-5 I sniff to close doors I stay close to God and read the Bible, I pray and process info. I have a wife and ministry of sorts. The meds gave fighting chance. I keep my head above water. I try not to dwell on it, but it’s there every day. You can put your victories together… good days that you are still standing still above water. Days into weeks and have a pretty good life.

I couldn’t do anything without God. The meds help me, keep me calm, not always depressed. I glad you found something that works. Schizophrenics are always changing meds, trying to find the best one. But I trusted my doc after a long professional relationship with docs. It gave me a fighting chance so I hang on to that through thick and thin. But you have to find your balance. I knew a guy who took seroquel and his hands shook. Happy trails. Jesus loves you. You got to trust somebody. Read bible, pray till find peace. Pm if want to.

 

[Trusting in Him]

I can't claim to know what this is like for you, but grew uo as a kid who had problems and this continued into my teens and perhaps my early twenties, somewhere along the line I got better, but I was a bit disturbed as a youngster. I was brought up to believe in God, but that does not mean the same as commiting your life to God. I took me a long time to getting around to recognising God's call on my life and commiting my life to Him. It has taken me quite a long time to really have my life changed by Him.

He gives us a new heart, but we still need to be renewed in our minds and learn to let go and let God rule in our lives. It does not necessarily all happen at once. With me, it has been a slow process. You will need to spend time reading your bible, spending time in prayer and thinking on His word. It's an ongoing thing and will last you the rest of your life, but all the time God is changing you and He is changing you in ways like no other can. Choosing to live your life for Him is an act of the will, for all of us and it is a day by day thing to live for Him.

God does amazing things in our lives as we go on with Him. Choosing to go on with Him is where it starts and it end in a life during which you become all that He has meant you to be!

 

[Brad D.]

I did find your post and saw where you thought it best to post here. I think @trustinginhim had a lot of good things to say.

I don't know the Psychosis end of things but I do know the deep holes of depression one can go in. I can tell you when I was your age I was living an alcoholic life and was in the pits of despair. I hated to go out of my apartment. I thought about suicide daily. I was immobilized by paralyzing depression and fear. I hated myself horribly and the tapes played over and over in my mind. Worthless, Worthless, Worthless. All I can tell you is when I didn't think it could get any worse God reached into that mess and saved a sinner like me.

It was surreal from that moment forward and for really about 3 or 4 years afterwards. It was truly a 180 degree Road to Damascus transforming turn for me. I entered a joy and peace I never knew existed. The world was alive again and I was on fire for the Lord.

Then as a few years went by I found myself starting to slide again into that abyss. I couldn't believe it at first. I fought against it with everything I had and prayed a million prayers against it but darker and darker it went until one day about 4 years into my Christian experience I found myself at a doctors office getting prescribed Anti-Depressants again. It was one of the lowest points in my life. I couldn't believe after all that God had done in my life I was experiencing this utter immobilizing insanity once again.

Then (And I want to emphasize here this is just my story I am not advising you what to do) after a few months of taking this stuff, I just felt myself get worse. And I made the decision then that if I had to take medication for my happiness and God wasn't enough then I didn't want to live a life where I depended on some doctor for my inner Joy. It seemed to go against the grain of everything I felt God to be. So I just threw them in the trash one day.

I wish I could tell you it got better then, but it didn't. But one day, about 6 years in to my Christian experience, and for the last 2 of that crying many tears, praying nightly to be delivered from this nightmare, one of the most miraculous things of my Christian experience happened. And this is where what I wrote you in the other post comes in. The dividing of Soul and Spirit. The untangling of me from me to know to finally know what was of Him.

God had not delivered me from my depression yet, but He had been working in me to show me mixture in me. To show me what was soul and spirit, I began to see where I was taking things from Him and turning them into my own, making them fit to what I wanted them to be, not what He explicitly told me them to be. I saw in a flash where everything of me had to go down into the ground and die. Joy rushed in and I made a conscious decision that from that day forward that I didn't want to do another thing in my life that wasn't absolutely out from Him. In a flash He showed me a simple mental image. No vision or anything like that, just something in my minds eye of me with a rope and a lasso trying my hardest to lasso happiness which I could never do and would never be able to do. I realized then that Happiness was not something that could ever be sought for in of itself with God, Happiness was and always will be a by-product of me dyeing and Him living. And from that day forward that's how I chose to live.

All I can tell you is everything has turned from that day. Not from outward victories or any great thing for myself. No dear child, that is not the way God tests things out. It has been from the cross and trials, and many sorrows, and failures and setbacks and tears. But it has been about 22 years now since He took me through that life changing lasso experience and I have learned all the gates of hell can rage against this thing and they have not been able to prevail. My strength is in my weakness. My strength is in my dyeing. My strength is Him becoming my all.

I will always be an emotionally and psychologically fragile man. Not only that He has allowed much illness and taken my physical health in many ways. He has in fact stripped me of most every thing men find joy and identity in. He has laid me low. But the secret is dear child of God. The secret is this. It is to my benefit. It is to my benefit He has done these things. For in losing my life I have found His. It is a paradox dear sister. What you consider a disaster and your lasso attempt to be "normal" , may very well be the most exquisite possession you can hold. Let the lowly brother and sister glory in their exaltation but the rich in his humiliation (James 1:9-10)

I am praying for you mightily dear sister. Hold His hand. He will guide you through the Night!

 

[InThePottersChamber]

I don’t think you have schizophrenia because yo don’t hallucinate.
I take meds have stabilized. They have caused me same problems but not a huge weight gain. Is your doctor stopping there? See forum. Schizophrenia.com if you want to see people with weight gain. It’s a trade off sometimes, but there must be something else you could take.

the meds take care of the intensity of symptoms make them manageable, but I still have to fight, I call it, to stay at a norm.
All that stuff is not me, I still have a sound mind but I do get overloaded with it once in a while. I take thoughts captive as in 1cor10:3-5 I sniff to close doors I stay close to God and read the Bible, I pray and process info. I have a wife and ministry of sorts. The meds gave fighting chance. I keep my head above water. I try not to dwell on it, but it’s there every day. You can put your victories together… good days that you are still standing still above water. Days into weeks and have a pretty good life.

I couldn’t do anything without God. The meds help me, keep me calm, not always depressed. I glad you found something that works. Schizophrenics are always changing meds, trying to find the best one. But I trusted my doc after a long professional relationship with docs. It gave me a fighting chance so I hang on to that through thick and thin. But you have to find your balance. I knew a guy who took seroquel and his hands shook. Happy trails. Jesus loves you. You got to trust somebody. Read bible, pray till find peace. Pm if want to.

hi Thank you for reaching out. I've Pm'ed you.

 

[InThePottersChamber]

I can't claim to know what this is like for you, but grew uo as a kid who had problems and this continued into my teens and perhaps my early twenties, somewhere along the line I got better, but I was a bit disturbed as a youngster. I was brought up to believe in God, but that does not mean the same as commiting your life to God. I took me a long time to getting around to recognising God's call on my life and commiting my life to Him. It has taken me quite a long time to really have my life changed by Him.

He gives us a new heart, but we still need to be renewed in our minds and learn to let go and let God rule in our lives. It does not necessarily all happen at once. With me, it has been a slow process. You will need to spend time reading your bible, spending time in prayer and thinking on His word. It's an ongoing thing and will last you the rest of your life, but all the time God is changing you and He is changing you in ways like no other can. Choosing to live your life for Him is an act of the will, for all of us and it is a day by day thing to live for Him.

God does amazing things in our lives as we go on with Him. Choosing to go on with Him is where it starts and it end in a life during which you become all that He has meant you to be!

Hi thank you for sharing. I need constant reminders to surrender myself to His will. Sometimes I get upset when things aren't going my way or if life is moving too slow, but when I am reminded that it is His time, His way, I calm down. I have gotten to a point where I can trust Him, well not completely but I've come a long way, and just reminding myself that He is in control relieves me a little. I will take your advice and read the bible and pray more. Have a good day and God bless!

 

[InThePottersChamber]

I did find your post and saw where you thought it best to post here. I think @trustinginhim had a lot of good things to say.

I don't know the Psychosis end of things but I do know the deep holes of depression one can go in. I can tell you when I was your age I was living an alcoholic life and was in the pits of despair. I hated to go out of my apartment. I thought about suicide daily. I was immobilized by paralyzing depression and fear. I hated myself horribly and the tapes played over and over in my mind. Worthless, Worthless, Worthless. All I can tell you is when I didn't think it could get any worse God reached into that mess and saved a sinner like me.

It was surreal from that moment forward and for really about 3 or 4 years afterwards. It was truly a 180 degree Road to Damascus transforming turn for me. I entered a joy and peace I never knew existed. The world was alive again and I was on fire for the Lord.

Then as a few years went by I found myself starting to slide again into that abyss. I couldn't believe it at first. I fought against it with everything I had and prayed a million prayers against it but darker and darker it went until one day about 4 years into my Christian experience I found myself at a doctors office getting prescribed Anti-Depressants again. It was one of the lowest points in my life. I couldn't believe after all that God had done in my life I was experiencing this utter immobilizing insanity once again.

Then (And I want to emphasize here this is just my story I am not advising you what to do) after a few months of taking this stuff, I just felt myself get worse. And I made the decision then that if I had to take medication for my happiness and God wasn't enough then I didn't want to live a life where I depended on some doctor for my inner Joy. It seemed to go against the grain of everything I felt God to be. So I just threw them in the trash one day.

I wish I could tell you it got better then, but it didn't. But one day, about 6 years in to my Christian experience, and for the last 2 of that crying many tears, praying nightly to be delivered from this nightmare, one of the most miraculous things of my Christian experience happened. And this is where what I wrote you in the other post comes in. The dividing of Soul and Spirit. The untangling of me from me to know to finally know what was of Him.

God had not delivered me from my depression yet, but He had been working in me to show me mixture in me. To show me what was soul and spirit, I began to see where I was taking things from Him and turning them into my own, making them fit to what I wanted them to be, not what He explicitly told me them to be. I saw in a flash where everything of me had to go down into the ground and die. Joy rushed in and I made a conscious decision that from that day forward that I didn't want to do another thing in my life that wasn't absolutely out from Him. In a flash He showed me a simple mental image. No vision or anything like that, just something in my minds eye of me with a rope and a lasso trying my hardest to lasso happiness which I could never do and would never be able to do. I realized then that Happiness was not something that could ever be sought for in of itself with God, Happiness was and always will be a by-product of me dyeing and Him living. And from that day forward that's how I chose to live.

All I can tell you is everything has turned from that day. Not from outward victories or any great thing for myself. No dear child, that is not the way God tests things out. It has been from the cross and trials, and many sorrows, and failures and setbacks and tears. But it has been about 22 years now since He took me through that life changing lasso experience and I have learned all the gates of hell can rage against this thing and they have not been able to prevail. My strength is in my weakness. My strength is in my dyeing. My strength is Him becoming my all.

I will always be an emotionally and psychologically fragile man. Not only that He has allowed much illness and taken my physical health in many ways. He has in fact stripped me of most every thing men find joy and identity in. He has laid me low. But the secret is dear child of God. The secret is this. It is to my benefit. It is to my benefit He has done these things. For in losing my life I have found His. It is a paradox dear sister. What you consider a disaster and your lasso attempt to be "normal" , may very well be the most exquisite possession you can hold. Let the lowly brother and sister glory in their exaltation but the rich in his humiliation (James 1:9-10)

I am praying for you mightily dear sister. Hold His hand. He will guide you through the Night!

Hi Brad thank you for sharing something so personal. I think part of why He allowed you to go through something so dark is because He knows you will help others like you, like me. I too can identify with what you said, when things couldn't get worse He finally extended a saving hand. But I'd like to know, how did you know it was Him? Sometimes I wonder if my experiences encountering God is actually an experience with familiar spirits or even Satan's demons. I'm pretty sure it is God, but I am very aware that Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. My experience with God consists of this: I feel Him around me, a great big sheet of white light, and He always tells me He loves me when this happens. He also tells me that He is sorrowful when I suffer, and promise me better days. In fact, I am quite certain He has shown me my future. I feel a strong desire to pray for forgiveness and for things He puts in my heart every time I encounter Him, and He will lead me to several bible verses. I think I am just being paranoid, and that it is really God, but you know, I want to be absolutely sure. If it was a familiar spirit or a demon I wouldn't feel the prompting to pray and read the bible right?

I'm glad you have found your life in Him, it truly is a learning process that goes on for the rest of our lives, and when we are ready he plucks us like we will select and pluck the most beautiful, mature flower from the grass.

Thank you for sharing James 1:9-10, in fact, my mother shared with me something similar. She always cries when she thinks about my mental illness, and one day she felt God place something in her heart. She heard Him say that because I am mentally ill He has a special place for me in His heart. That comforted her a lot. I'm sure God has a special place for you in His heart too! Looking forward to hearing more from you. Pm me if you like! Have a good day ahead and God bless you

 

[Gottservant]

I think you are blessed.

You have a tremendous sense of "keeping it together".

I will attempt to learn from the Lord as you have, as I feel you have a great example of learning.

 

[InThePottersChamber]

I think you are blessed.

You have a tremendous sense of "keeping it together".

I will attempt to learn from the Lord as you have, as I feel you have a great example of learning.

hello Gottservant, those are very kind words, thank you, though I don't know what I said to make you think that im a great example of learning? Anyways, thank you, God bless.

 

[Dave Darling]

If you have negatives you need to try sarcosine! Sarcosine is an experimental treatment about 2 years out from being available from a doctor but it is available for order online right now! It works on negatives, works like a charm, no side effects! Taking it I can now smile and laugh for the first time since I was a kid, I don't know what to do with myself! I would highly recommend trying it! You can order it from Amazon, only $27 for a bottle.

 

[Kwilson]

I have mental issues too. It started when I was 27 and I'm 47 now. I have had every diagnosis and every drug. Some drugs worked for a bit and then quit working. The diagnosis they settled on was Schizo Affective Disorder...which is a little Schizophrenia and a little Bi-Polar. My thoughts on meds? The doctors have no idea what will work. They just shoot in the dark....try this....maybe a little more...then some more...that didn't work now try this...ok you get the drift. I feel like we are lab rats. But weight gain seems inevitable.. But every therapist and doctor I ever had encouraged to get in the gym and make it your lifestyle. It does help, maybe just as important as the meds.

For me? Seroquel just made me eat and sleep..then eat some more and sleep some more...I quit that stuff..You do have some say in what you take so tell your doctor what you want from a med and what you don't want from a med.
God Bless!