I feel like a failure..(Could be triggering)

[SarahSaur]

First off I'd just like to say I have no idea if this is even in the right spot? I think it is but..maybe it should go into the teens area because of my age, but this is about self harm? It could also go in anxiety or depression. Sorry if this is incorrect.

I'm new to the forum, I just joined tonight so I thought I'd share my story. I already kind of have but this will be more of my struggle with mental health.

I am currently 16 and I have been self harming for 5 going on 6 years. I started doing it because I thought I would be 'cool' in grade 6. I didnt do any harm just a little scratch. Man was that a dumb idea. I did this on and off until grade 9 it got bad.

In grade 9 I was accepted into a beautiful arts school. It was my second home. Sadly it ended up closing down. My peers and I fought for it to stay open but in the end it was closed. Because of this school closing grade 9 was hard. I started to self harm worst then ever and I didn't stop.

I ended up getting depression and didn't tell anyone. I didn't tell anyone about my cuts and it just got worst. I started feeling suicidal. I was telling myself awful things. It became an outlet, if I was scared, sad, angry, confused, guilty I cut and called myself names. In my mind I deserved it.

I ended up telling my mom about 2 months later and she freaked out she didn't know what to do. She tried to help but she couldn't. I got worst. The suicidal thoughts were getting worst. I acted on these feelings. I ended up oding on the only thing I could find (which wasn't much.) I said goodbye to my dog, wrote a note and went to sleep.

I woke up the next morning at about 4 in the morning with the worst stomach ache ever, thinking "I'm still alive? Why am I still alive?" Then I woke my mom and told her I think I needed to go to the hospital. She woke my dad up and they talked and decided that the pills were in my system and we couldn't do anything about it.
During all this time I pushed God away thinking he did this to me.

After that I slowly got better, I threw out my razors and tried to think positively. I ended up telling my friend and she promised she's always be there for me and she loved me. I was happy.

Now, lately I've been feeling suicidal again and I haven't told anyone. I have developed social anxiety and depression(it came back) and now I'm on medication and seeing a therapist. I am terrified and hate school.

I have to go to summer school tomorrow. Because of this I had 2 anxiety attacks, I self harmed with a razor, I scratched the sides of my face and I pulled some of my hair out(not enough to make a bald spot but enough to hurt.) I have no idea what is wrong with me, I was doing good... It's been like 4 or 5 months and now thats all down the drain and I'm thinking horrible things about myself again.

I feel my parents don't understand, they used to be so supportive now they're just saying "Sarah go to school, I don't want to hear it." and I honestly don't know why. My mom used to sit me down and help calm me down but this time it seemed like she wanted nothing to do with me.

I also feel really bad about my mom because the last time we went to see my therapist she said she has no idea how to help me and she started crying.

I feel like such a failure, even my parents don't want to help me anymore and I'm upsetting my mom. I've lost the will to live... again. Sometimes I don't even understand why I was born.

 

[Chris G]

Sorry for responding so late!
First things first. You are NOT a failure. Aight?
Anxiety and depression is really, really, like REALLY hard to deal with. But I'm sure I don't have to tell you that. It sucks the will to live out of you and leaves you hating yourself. But do not be fooled! You are God's child. You are loved.

It's really awesome that you managed to stay away from harming yourself for a while. Do not see the fact that you relapsed back into it as a failure! Now you KNOW that you can stay away from it. You've done it before, and you CAN do it again! It's really tough, but you can do it.

Seeing your parents sad is really difficult, especially when you believe that you're the cause of it. But do note the "when you believe". I put it there intentionally. For I don't see it quite the same way as you do. You say that your parents don't want to help me, but yet you think that you are upsetting your mom. Why would she get upset? Hint: You've already answered it in your original post. It's cause she wants to help you.
Your mother only wants the best for you Sarah (I'm gonna assume that Sarah is your name, if it isn't, please do correct me). She loves you and cares about you. The fact that she isn't as helpful as before is probably because she really wants to help you (because she loves you SO much), but doesn't know how to.

I'll leave a bible-verse or two for you, if that's okay.
1 Corinthians 10:13
"And God is faithful;
he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.
But when you are tempted,
he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."

Psalm 34:18
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

I will pray to God to give you the strength that you need in these troublesome times of yours.
Try to remember that no matter how difficult it gets, you've managed to stay away from self-harming before! You are stronger than you believe. And you are NOT a failure. I said it before but I'll say it again. You are most definitely not a failure. You are God's wonderful child. Stay strong, sister!

Oh, and one last thing before I click send. It's really cool that you're seeing a therapist - that is a huge step forward (even if it might be hard to see it). Try to tell him/her everything! Like, whatever you think may be relevant, tell him/her! It will help your therapist understand you better, which also means that your therapist will be able to help you much more.

 

[Criada]

You've been given some excellent advice here.
As a mother and someone who works with depressed teens, I am sure that your parents do care - sometimes people seem to withdraw because they feel helpless and don't know how to give the support you need - they may even be afraid of making things worse.

Maybe you could ask your therapist to talk to your mom, or both your parents about how to help you when things are bad - explain what you feel helps and what doesn't.

You are a beautiful child of God, sweetie - please don't accept the lies that say you deserve this, because you don't!
Praying for you, and here if you need a listning ear