- Feb 19, 2017
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I have sexual abuse in my past, and I know that for sure. I don't know who did it, where it happened, or even what exactly happened, but I have enough context clues to paint a horribly ugly picture for myself. This is something that has plagued my mind for over a decade at this point in one form or another. I used to get so frustrated and feel so violated for not being able to remember what happened to me. Sometimes those feelings still come up when my sexual trauma symptoms bubble to the surface, but I wanted to share a different perspective too.
A lot of professionals have said that you don't need to completely remember your traumas in order to heal from them, and I think that's a true statement. Looking back, I can see that I've come a far way from the way that I used to react and think before. Imagery and other obscure things that would normally trigger me don't evoke the same responses anymore, or at least not with the same frequency that they did before. And when I look at those old triggers and the horrific picture that all of that painted in my mind, I guess I should be grateful that I can't remember what happened to me in great detail. I may remember one day or perhaps never at all... but in any case, I think maybe I should leave it up to God. After all, He knows better than I do about what I could mentally handle at this point in my life and in the future.
A lot of professionals have said that you don't need to completely remember your traumas in order to heal from them, and I think that's a true statement. Looking back, I can see that I've come a far way from the way that I used to react and think before. Imagery and other obscure things that would normally trigger me don't evoke the same responses anymore, or at least not with the same frequency that they did before. And when I look at those old triggers and the horrific picture that all of that painted in my mind, I guess I should be grateful that I can't remember what happened to me in great detail. I may remember one day or perhaps never at all... but in any case, I think maybe I should leave it up to God. After all, He knows better than I do about what I could mentally handle at this point in my life and in the future.