How do I Control the Uncontrollable?

[MelanieMe]

I need severe help and I don’t know where to turn. My daughter is hell bent on controlling every aspect of her life and showing me there is not a damn thing I can do about it.

It all started at 14. She seemed like she changed overnight. She went from a wonderful sweet girl to a girl who liked dark music and friends of a very questionable nature. I would throw out her CDs and she would be back with more the next day. We would fight and scream. She would tell me that she hates me and that I am ruining her life.

At 15 I found out she had been sleeping around. I would ground her and she would sneak out. I would take away her cell phone and she would take it back. I put her on lockdown and monitor her website history and she would surf porn sites just to upset me.

At 16 (her current age), I received a notification that she was going for an abortion. I told her she couldn’t do it. Two days later she told me to go f*** myself and got one anyway.

At this point she doesn’t even lie anymore. I have absolutely no control over her. She has stopped sleeping around, because she is in a committed relationship for the first time. She says everything is her choice and not mine. To my knowledge she doesn’t do drugs. She makes relatively good grades.

Anything I tell her to do she does the exact opposite. She refuses to see any counselors. She says she wants me out of her life. She calls me a controlling b****. I want my old daughter back. But I don’t know how to get there. What should I do?

Mel

 

[bliz]

You are trying to be in control of her life.

She is trying to be the one in control of her life.

You are both wrong.

God is the one who needs to be in control of both of your lives.

Quit trying to be the one in control of her life - you obviously cannot be, so stop making this the battleground.

Meanwhile, please seek out some counsling for yourself.

 

[hatschie]

Hi Mel,

I can't give you much advice because I'm not parenting a teenager (my son is only 3) but your post sounded so much like one my mother could have written about me some years ago that I thought I'd write a little bit from the point of view of a (former) uncontrollable daughter.

I turned from a nice Christian teenager to a parent's nightmare when I was your daughter's age. I did pretty much everything my parents had taught me not to do; I lied to them, messed around with guys, sneaked away at night, hung out with the wrong crowd, told them I hated them because they didn't understand me anyway...

Putting more restrictions on me just made things worse. I was so caught up in pitying myself, feeling misunderstood and unloved that I didn't believe them that they just wanted my best. I thought they were more concerned about their reputation (my dad's a pastor) than about me.

I know that a lot of ppl in this forum will probably disagree and I don't want to generalize this at all - but for me personally my parents did the best thing they could when they "gave up" and accepted that I was responsible for my own choices.

Of coure there were restrictions as to what they would allow in their own house but other than that they let me go my way. If they hadn't done that I would have run off (I was ready to). They told me they would always love me and that they hurt for me to see me make wrong choices but that they knew they couldn't live my life for me.

I know that it broke their hearts to watch me go from bad to worse as I began to pay the price for my choices (depression, eating disorders etc.). But they never stopped loving me, praying for me and believing that God would finally get through to me. They are the most amazing parents anyone could have.

After years of making a mess of my life (while my parents never tired of communicating to me that they'd always be there for me if I needed them), I found myself pregnant and abandoned by my boyfriend and other friends. I was messed-up and broken and had no idea what to do. In my desperation I turned back to my parents and found them willing to forgive me, love me and support me in every way they could. Something inside me just broke. It changed my whole life. I found back to God and began to straighten out my life (had loads of counselling as well). I'll never be able to express how thankful I am to my parents that they never stopped loving me and praying for me. And I'm sorry beyond words for what I put them through.

Something else: Even though I know that I was responsible for my choices there were things in my life that my parents didn't know about that might have made some of my behaviour more understandable. By the time I "went crazy" as a teenager I had been covering up some childhood trauma for years because I was too scared to tell them. Who knows what your daughter might be running from that drives her to act the way she does...

I hope others in this forum have more practical advice. What I wanted to tell you was that love does get through in the end. If it go through to me it will get through to your daughter.

She won't be the "old daughter" you miss now. She'll be broken down by life, hurt by causual relationships, dealing with having had an abortion... And she'll need your love to get through that. I pray that you won't have to wait as long as my parents did and that your daughter will spare herself some of the pain I went through. She's so blessed to have a mother who loves her, cares for her and fights for her - even if she can't see it at the moment.

Don't give up. She needs you.

hatschie

 

[MelanieMe]

Bliz,



All I want is for my daughter to not end up pregnant (again), a drug addict or infected with AIDS. She has already been pregnant once and she got an abortion. I am trying to keep my daughter from making mistakes, but it just hasn’t been working.



I have sought out and attended counseling. It has helped a lot with my personal problems, but it has not helped my daughter.



Hatschie,



Maybe you are right. I don’t know. I just feel so helpless. Literally every thing I do seems to make thinks worse. My daughter really scares me. She doesn’t lie about things anymore. Sometimes I think she just wants to hurt me and I don’t know why. She admittedly stated she is having sex with her currently boyfriend. He is the same guy who helped her get an abortion when she was running around being promiscuous. It just kills me to see her going down this path.



I don’t know what to do. Maybe I should just let her make the mistakes and live by her consequences. It scares me though. I’ve found suicide notes and short stories about running away. I fear what could happen. Miss the girl who my daughter used to be. I don’t even think she is in there anymore.



As a former uncontrollable teen, what advice could you give to protect her if I do stop trying to control the situation?



Mel

 

[hatschie]

Hi Mel,

I'm so sorry to hear what you and your daughter are going through. Sounds like she's hurting a lot and doesn't know how to deal with it. I totally understand that you are scared by her suicide notes. I hope there are more qualified ppl around here who'll know what to do. It sounds like she really needs help. The problem is that I guess you won't be able to force her to accept help. I was suicidal for a while and looking back at it now I know that what kept me alive where prayers (which led to ppl showing up in the right moments before I could harm myself). I'm really at a loss what to say and what to advise you to do to protect her. I'll need to think and pray about it before I get back to you.
For the moment I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and your daughter and praying for you. God is sooo good and He'll know a way to get through to her.
Make sure that you talk to your counsellor or someone else you trust about your feelings. It's perfectly normal that you feel hurt and probably angry at times for what she's putting you through by hurting herself (I know my parents did). It's important that you are able to be honest about that without confronting your daughter with it. If you give her the impression that you want her to change her behaviour so that she hurts YOU less she's probably going to rebel even more. She needs to learn to make the right decisions for HERSELF - and ultimately God. If she's anything like me she doesn't care right now who else she hurts because she is too caught up in hurting herself. But you can probably help her best when you can love her without any feelings of hurt or anger because you've been able to express them before someone else and then forgiven her.

Keep us posted,
hatschie

 

[bliz]

All I want is for my daughter to not end up pregnant (again), a drug addict or infected with AIDS. She has already been pregnant once and she got an abortion. I am trying to keep my daughter from making mistakes, but it just hasn’t been working.

I have sought out and attended counseling. It has helped a lot with my personal problems, but it has not helped my daughter.

I'm sorry, but what you want is not within your control.

If she is having sex she can become pregnant. If she is havng sex she can get AIDS. If she is using drugs, she can become addicdted to drugs. If she becomes pregnant, she will be tempted to have an abortion again and as you have learned, there is nothing you can do to stop it.

Your daughter's life is outside of your control. You cannot stop her from making mistakes - she seems bound and determined to make as many as possible. What you have done in the past has not worked, so, stop doing it. Pray for protection for her, that is the bery best that you can do.

You may also want to consider finding her another place to live so that you are not constantly confronted with her choices. A family in your church may be willing to rent her a room, for example, so that she is not seeing your daily and she will not be choosing to "rub your nose" in her choices. She may be able to stop making such bad choices when she looses you as her audience.

 

[thepianist]

Hey Mel, I'm so very sorry about the trouble you are having with your daughter. Your description really touched my heart!

I have a son who will soon be 19. For about ten years, when he was 4 to 14, he seemed to literally HATE me! Lord help me, but I never will know why. Example: One morning when he was waiting for his bus to go to kindergarten, he told me he wished I was dead! He wasn't throwing a fit or anything....but talk about breaking a mother's heart! Well, you can understand, I'm sure.

Thanks be to God, that kind of relationship did end between us. I have seemed to have a good relationship with him since he was about 14. Anyway, my husband and I have tried to raise him the best we know how. Instill good values, morality, responsibility, etc. He became extremely rebellious after he turned 18....you know, I'm a man now attitude. He still has to graduate high school.....he just has been lazy about finishing his last couple of courses with the correspondence school (we homeschool).

On Thanksgiving night he informed us that he had gotten a girl (ha!!) pregnant! First of all, this female is 25 years old and has already had 4 kids. I'm not trying to say she is a bad person....it's just I would think that God had something else in mind for him. On Friday, after Thanksgiving, he moved out of our house.....has been living with her ever since. For right now, they have no wedding date set.....he knows what he is doing is wrong - but he doesn't care. He has quit his job. Even though it didn't pay real good, at least he was making some money. I don't understand what makes him do things like he has.....when I know we've done our best to show him the best way to go.

My little girl who is going to be 11 next month, suffered molestation/rape by his best friend from work for several months. This fella is in jail - has been since March - we're still waiting for an agreement to be reached or go to trial! I'm so afraid for my daughter....what will things be like in just a few years? When she reaches that dangerous age and thinks she knows it all...will she turn on me like your daughter?

I truly believe that all we can do it do our best to raise our children in the correct way.....the way that God would have us to do. I'm not saying that it's easy - not even close - but what else can we do other than try? Believe me, my friend, you and your situation will be in my prayers! I do understand and please feel free to pm me at anytime about anything. I may not be able to do anything about it, but at least I can listen to what you have to say and pray!

 

[worldwatcher]

Hi Mel,I feel so sorry for what you are going through I too was one of those rebelious teens, my mother let me go and make my mistakes, but was always there for me with her unconditional love. After life had beaten me down and I had a child at 16 my mother was standing there with open arms. I also returned to my Heavenly father.
One thing that has really helped me is a book I have been reading, it is written by Stormie Omartin and is called "The power of a praying mother" I would recomend the read. My prayers are with you and your daughter. God bless, Gayla

 

[Linnis]

Sometimes teens and even adults have to make their own mistakes and they sometimes have to feel the long term of their mistakes to decide for them not to happen again. If she's over sixteen, I'd suggest kicking her out and saying she can only come back if she follows the rules of your home. You may not like the idea but most teens learn pretty quick how hard it is to be grown up and want to follow the rules if only to get to live at home and have help supporting themselves.

She needs tough love.

 

[mm1228]

Mel,

I am truly sorry for what you are going through. I too have a daugther her is rebelling against everything we ask her to do. She is lieing, dated a young man we specifically told her not to date, she has done drugs, and even last night my husband caught her smoking in our house when he came home early from work. I know the pain and the frustration and all I can tell you is to pray and be there for her. In regards to kicking her out, I really do not think it would be a good idea. She needs to know that no matter what she does or how bad it gets you will be right there and you love her no matter what. I came from a house where my mother did not care what I did or where I was and to this day I resent the fact and feel as if she does not love me or ever has. One of the most important things we can do for our children is let them know that we love them no matter what and be an example to them that we are to love no matter what a person does. As God commands us in his Word, "The most imporant commandment we are to keep is to love one another as I have loved you." I think by kicking your daugther out you will be sending her the wrong message. Also as someone else recommended the Power of a Praying Parent is a wonderful book and I would strongly recommend buying it as well.

You and your daugther will be in my prayers and if you ever need to chat please feel free to pm me.

 

[SilentEye]

You are in such pain. I'm so sorry about that. I know you love your daughter, and somewhere inside her heart she knows it too. She does. But at some point I think we have to just accept that there is only so much we can do. It's not how she was parented, it's not that you don't love her, because you do. Don't you wish you could reach inside her and take out all the negative stuff? I don't have good advice. Just keep praying, and remember that it's not your fault. You know that you'll be there for her when she moves out of all this. Hold on to that.

 

[VICTORYINJESUS]

I agree with many of the others that have given you the advice to just let go. Let her live her life and stand up for her mistakes. I know it'll be tough. Just watch her at a distance because when she falls you need to be there to lift her up like God will do too. Also let her know that your unconditional love as a mother will always be there no matter what.

Also talking to her with God's word helps if she fears the Lord.

I have a son who is giving me a hard time. He doesn't do drugs, drinking or stealing, his problems are girls. He thinks his world is being with his girlfriend and nothing else.We talk to him with God's word and give him advice. We had to let go because he once said he was going to run away and got rebelious. We don't want him to hate us. I have faith in the Lord he will overcome this stage and be the man God wants him to be.

I've been prayng for him and I recommend you do the same thing. I know that some day in God's time HE will answer my prayers and also yours.
"Pray without ceasing." IThessalonians 5:17

God bless you both!

 

[christalee4]

Sometimes teens and even adults have to make their own mistakes and they sometimes have to feel the long term of their mistakes to decide for them not to happen again. If she's over sixteen, I'd suggest kicking her out and saying she can only come back if she follows the rules of your home. You may not like the idea but most teens learn pretty quick how hard it is to be grown up and want to follow the rules if only to get to live at home and have help supporting themselves.

She needs tough love.

I second Linnis's advice. Your daughter is being selfish, foolhardy, and by her actions, is taking control of YOUR life. She has already passed the point of you trying to protect her. She thinks she can do what she wants, without responsibility, in your house, against your wishes and rules, and on your hard earned money. She wants to be independent? It's now to time to calmly show her what it's all about.

You have tried to be the parent, to be reasonable and loving, and she has rejected that. You should still tell her that you love her, that you are there for her when she needs advice, but she needs to take responsibility for her actions. She could temporarily live with a friend, or rent a room, as Linnis said. She needs to get a job and see what the real world is like. I would also look into social or church programs that help problem teens. If she is unwilling to come around to participate in these, or counseling as well, then she should be made to understand that as much as you love her, she can't also destroy your life in the process of her quest for independence and self-discovery.

 

[BeachBlonde]

Those of us that understand you have been there ourselves. I was a wild teen,I was married and had 2 kids before 20 -just to spite the parents restrictions of the past and I do understand what you're saying. I believe the minute we begin acting as their keepers and demanders;uh oh they become animals. I did. I hope for you to let her go awhile,those mistakes are going to be building blocks.Yes,they'll all fall down and she with much to learn will re group in life. Hugs go out to you sister.

I hope you return here.Please do.

 

[Johnnz]

There is no guarantee that our children will adopt our values. God has the problem on a massive scale.

You must continue to love her, but that does not imply agreeing with or accepting all that she does. It is so easy to cut off any potential for a good future relationship when faced with a rebelious child. I have seen parents who have kept at loving their wayward children and had a great outcome. But, not always.

Do you have any idea why she has gone that way? For some reason she has not bought into' your own values.

John
NZ

 

[freedom4all]

I went through the wringer with my son, who is now 18. He was on drugs, expelled twice, reading Satanic material (that I threw away), cutting, you name it. To top it off, I was a single parent. You can threaten, punish, whatever, but in the end, people will do what they wish, and you can’t control another person. I had my parents and a couple of good friends to talk to when my sanity waned, and there were times when I had to call the police, and times when I wanted to run away from home myself. I reached a point where I decided to let him suffer the consequences of his actions, and prayed for my own safety, sanity, and that he would one day stop behaving that way. I spent time with him doing fun things, as well. We went to lots of movies, museums, doing cultural things. I think he always knew that I cared for him, even if we did not get along much of the time. I think that is very important.

Well, I made it through, and he no longer uses drugs and won’t associate with others who do, and is in college with a 4.0. To say I am shocked would be an understatement. We don’t get along all the time, and he is still disrespectful to an extent, but it is 95% better than it used to be.

Since you are legally responsible for your child until they are 18, you should have a good support system of people to talk to for yourself, and pray a lot. It’s a good idea to have someone handy that can come over and back you up, and don’t be afraid to call the police if things get ugly. She will more than likely come out of this stage on her own, and be normal sooner than you expect.

BTW, I was just like my son when I was his age, and I grew out of that stage when I moved out on my own at 19. I was one of those people that just couldn't bear anyone imposing rules on me, I guess.