In going back and forth on whether or not I'm really saved, I also keep going back and forth on working on projects that I have supposedly dedicated myself to. At times when I think I'm saved, I resume a long-range plan with long-term goals. Since, because I have (successfully? unsuccessfully?) sought salvation most of the time for over ten years, I have not worked a job or been on a productivity schedule. But in recent times, I have developed a big plan. Since I have not worked for so long, I figure I need to slowly gear up into a full schedule of activities. I read about a guy who worked for NASA during the Apollo moon project. He worked 18 hours a day, 7 days a week, and still managed to get himself and his family to church on Sunday. He was a leading figure at NASA and made one or more crucial, strategic decisions for the Apollo project. I keep thinking about this. Because personal hygiene takes up so much of my time, possibly partly due to my OCD and partly due to the fact that to do it right, it just takes that much time, I figure that I, too, need to work 7 days per week to attempt to have any shot at having a decent amount of time to work on my projects. I used to think in terms of how many hours per day, how many hours per week, can i work on my projects. But between personal hygiene and other duties, such as laundry and grocery shopping, it seems that non-project activities take up the dominant part of my time. I mean, when you work a full-time job, say, 40 hours per week, you absolutely dedicate the required amount of time for that job, for that job. Then you see what time you have left for other things. But with me, it's like, there's personal hygiene and there's other personal/household duties, and after putting in the required amount of time for those, i can see what's left over to work on my projects. Seeing that the personal duties are dominant, I have decided my hours-per-day and hours-per-week calculations have to include the personal duties time. In coming off ten years of doing nothing (except seeking salvation), i have decided to ramp up my schedule of hours slowly over time. 18 hours a day, 7 days a week? It seems more like the best I can hope for is 7 hours per day, 7 days per week. That's 49 hours per week. But that includes personal hygiene and other personal duties!
A month or so ago, I decided to start out with 4 hours per day, 7 days per week. Then, I decided, that for the months of April and May, i would notch it up to 5 hours per day. I plan to notch it up by one hour per day every couple of months, at least to 6 or 7 hours per day. When Friday, April 1, rolled around, I was excited to work my new, 5 hour schedule. I worked it that day, understanding I was saved and that this was a new beginning for me. But yesterday, Saturday, April 2, was completely different. I started out the day doubting my salvation. I dealt with that concern all day. I even reread a webpage of Grantley Morris, in which he said, if you have an anxiety disorder, the more you crave assurance of God's forgiveness, the less you will have of it. Thinking about the concept of never having assurance put me into a depressed mode. Then I remembered and reread what Grantley Morris says about emotions and the Christian. He says feelings are not a good indicator of our spiritual state and that while the devil cannot change God's truth nor His love nor the infinite power of the cross, our feelings and emotions are his play things. He likes to get us to trust our feelings rather than trust Jesus. So, yesterday, I became aware that I was letting myself be dominated by feelings. Like on other occassions, I set out to seek the kingdom of God, full-time, until I had permanent assurance. I decided that at least today, Sunday, April 3, I would work on making sure that I am in the kingdom of heaven. Last night, when I had just gone to bed, I decided not to wait for morning. I was going to seek the kingdom right NOW. I prayed and sought, and prayed and sought, then i fell asleep (I think). After a period of sleep. i was laying awake in bed. I was weighing and balancing my desire to enter the kingdom of God against my desire to work on my projects. I then, and in general have, thought about Jesus' command to seek first the kingdom of God. As I thought about this last night, I was having a struggle between the two desires. A couple of times or more, I thought, you know, one has to really DECIDE to seek first the kingdom of God, not just "sort of do it." So I managed, for temporary moments, to go with the directive, "seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all of these [other] things will be added to you." At those times, I thought I made a firm commitment to Christ. Then I would slip back into thoughts about my plans.
This morning, once I was up, I made a couple or more of sincere attempts to enter the kingdom. I have read advice online, on one website, that relates to a man who thought he was possessed by the devil. His mentor told him that Christ came to destroy the works of the devil, and that no matter what thought the devil throws at him, to just keep going back to a verse, which i think may be John 6:37, where Jesus is quoted as saying, "The one who comes to me, I will no wise cast out." He was instructed to do that over and over. He did, and he got saved. And he was instructed to keep going to the verse in the future. I have followed that advice on a number of occasions. including this morning and including just now. I was about to go about a normally planned day, understanding myself to be saved. Then, I thought about my personal history for the last decade. I decided, I am at least as likely to doubt my salvation again soon, as I have in the past. So i decided to write this cry for help.
I can sincerely, I think, cry out to Jesus, "take me!" or some other words. "Take me!" is what a friend of mine said the moment he gave his life to Christ. I have said it dozens or hundreds of times, often, i think, very sincerely. But these conversions/submissions to Christ last about two seconds. Then it seems I might change my mind. Whenever I really think I have changed my mind and am not saved, I go back to seeking salvation full time. All Christians let their commitment to Christ slip, once in a while. Everybody goes through such cycles. But, I figure, the typical real Christian has phases of this cycle last hours or days or weeks or whatever. But the length of my phases of the cycle are only seconds long. That adds to the general doubt of my salvation.
My main project to work on is an astronomy-related invention. The more I think about this invention, the more I think it might actually work. If i, and/or a team of helpers and I, actually get this thing to work, it will be revolutionary and has a good chance of leading to fame and fortune. The Bible says to do what you do, heartily, as unto the Lord and not as unto men. Deeply ingrained into me, due to my upbringing and due to the way the world works, is the idea that there are two main reasons for working: One, to put bread on the table and Two, for your own, personal prestige. The tension between my way and the biblical way to work is very evident. I have realized that the research on my invention is going to be complicated, intense and prolonged. i have unabashedly asked for God's help. I don't think I can do this thing on my own. Nebuchadnezzar one day, looked out at Babylon, his kingdom, and said something like, "Is this not my kingdom which i have built by my own strength and prowess?" God then struck him with madness and he lived in the wilderness for seven years like a wild beast. After 7 years, he came to realize one or more key truths: Heaven rules and God gives the kingdoms of the world to whomever He pleases, and He also removes rulers at will. Nebuchadnezzar's final realization of this is what the Bible describes as his heart of stone being replaced with a heart of flesh. Afterward, God reinstated Nebuchadnezzar on the throne. I unabashedly ask for God's help in the details of my life in general and my projects in particular. But by nature, I want personal glory. We are not to live for our own glory, but for God's glory. Another project of mine is to try to get some people interested in starting up a biblical astrophysics journal. Part of the set of reasons for believing the Bible is the word of God is the fact that "science" which comes along to refute the Bible, in the long run, turns out itself to be scientifically refutable. The Big Bang is scientifically refutable, for instance. I have written about this on one of my websites, COSMINISTRY - Cosmos Ministry (If you go to that site, please understand that some of it is out of date [not the part about the Big Bang], and ignore the invitation to join a discussion. i am not currently keeping up the website and the discussion forum is not functioning.) Not only is the Big Bang refutable, but astrophysicists are presently flabbergasted by recent discoveries in astrophysics. It turns out, 95% of the universe is missing. They refer to this missing matter as "dark matter."
Since there is overwhelming, compelling evidence that the Bible is literally the word of God, we can expect physics and other sciences to have some revolutionary surprises in store for us and we can expect science, in the long run, to affirm the Genesis account of creation. Therefore, I propose starting a biblical astrophysics journal to keep tabs on astrophysics and to promote research aimed at backing up the Bible. But this project, like my invention, is going nowhere if God does not want it to.
So, I seek God's help in my life. I seek eternal salvation. Please pray for me. When I think I'm saved, I pray for you.
A month or so ago, I decided to start out with 4 hours per day, 7 days per week. Then, I decided, that for the months of April and May, i would notch it up to 5 hours per day. I plan to notch it up by one hour per day every couple of months, at least to 6 or 7 hours per day. When Friday, April 1, rolled around, I was excited to work my new, 5 hour schedule. I worked it that day, understanding I was saved and that this was a new beginning for me. But yesterday, Saturday, April 2, was completely different. I started out the day doubting my salvation. I dealt with that concern all day. I even reread a webpage of Grantley Morris, in which he said, if you have an anxiety disorder, the more you crave assurance of God's forgiveness, the less you will have of it. Thinking about the concept of never having assurance put me into a depressed mode. Then I remembered and reread what Grantley Morris says about emotions and the Christian. He says feelings are not a good indicator of our spiritual state and that while the devil cannot change God's truth nor His love nor the infinite power of the cross, our feelings and emotions are his play things. He likes to get us to trust our feelings rather than trust Jesus. So, yesterday, I became aware that I was letting myself be dominated by feelings. Like on other occassions, I set out to seek the kingdom of God, full-time, until I had permanent assurance. I decided that at least today, Sunday, April 3, I would work on making sure that I am in the kingdom of heaven. Last night, when I had just gone to bed, I decided not to wait for morning. I was going to seek the kingdom right NOW. I prayed and sought, and prayed and sought, then i fell asleep (I think). After a period of sleep. i was laying awake in bed. I was weighing and balancing my desire to enter the kingdom of God against my desire to work on my projects. I then, and in general have, thought about Jesus' command to seek first the kingdom of God. As I thought about this last night, I was having a struggle between the two desires. A couple of times or more, I thought, you know, one has to really DECIDE to seek first the kingdom of God, not just "sort of do it." So I managed, for temporary moments, to go with the directive, "seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all of these [other] things will be added to you." At those times, I thought I made a firm commitment to Christ. Then I would slip back into thoughts about my plans.
This morning, once I was up, I made a couple or more of sincere attempts to enter the kingdom. I have read advice online, on one website, that relates to a man who thought he was possessed by the devil. His mentor told him that Christ came to destroy the works of the devil, and that no matter what thought the devil throws at him, to just keep going back to a verse, which i think may be John 6:37, where Jesus is quoted as saying, "The one who comes to me, I will no wise cast out." He was instructed to do that over and over. He did, and he got saved. And he was instructed to keep going to the verse in the future. I have followed that advice on a number of occasions. including this morning and including just now. I was about to go about a normally planned day, understanding myself to be saved. Then, I thought about my personal history for the last decade. I decided, I am at least as likely to doubt my salvation again soon, as I have in the past. So i decided to write this cry for help.
I can sincerely, I think, cry out to Jesus, "take me!" or some other words. "Take me!" is what a friend of mine said the moment he gave his life to Christ. I have said it dozens or hundreds of times, often, i think, very sincerely. But these conversions/submissions to Christ last about two seconds. Then it seems I might change my mind. Whenever I really think I have changed my mind and am not saved, I go back to seeking salvation full time. All Christians let their commitment to Christ slip, once in a while. Everybody goes through such cycles. But, I figure, the typical real Christian has phases of this cycle last hours or days or weeks or whatever. But the length of my phases of the cycle are only seconds long. That adds to the general doubt of my salvation.
My main project to work on is an astronomy-related invention. The more I think about this invention, the more I think it might actually work. If i, and/or a team of helpers and I, actually get this thing to work, it will be revolutionary and has a good chance of leading to fame and fortune. The Bible says to do what you do, heartily, as unto the Lord and not as unto men. Deeply ingrained into me, due to my upbringing and due to the way the world works, is the idea that there are two main reasons for working: One, to put bread on the table and Two, for your own, personal prestige. The tension between my way and the biblical way to work is very evident. I have realized that the research on my invention is going to be complicated, intense and prolonged. i have unabashedly asked for God's help. I don't think I can do this thing on my own. Nebuchadnezzar one day, looked out at Babylon, his kingdom, and said something like, "Is this not my kingdom which i have built by my own strength and prowess?" God then struck him with madness and he lived in the wilderness for seven years like a wild beast. After 7 years, he came to realize one or more key truths: Heaven rules and God gives the kingdoms of the world to whomever He pleases, and He also removes rulers at will. Nebuchadnezzar's final realization of this is what the Bible describes as his heart of stone being replaced with a heart of flesh. Afterward, God reinstated Nebuchadnezzar on the throne. I unabashedly ask for God's help in the details of my life in general and my projects in particular. But by nature, I want personal glory. We are not to live for our own glory, but for God's glory. Another project of mine is to try to get some people interested in starting up a biblical astrophysics journal. Part of the set of reasons for believing the Bible is the word of God is the fact that "science" which comes along to refute the Bible, in the long run, turns out itself to be scientifically refutable. The Big Bang is scientifically refutable, for instance. I have written about this on one of my websites, COSMINISTRY - Cosmos Ministry (If you go to that site, please understand that some of it is out of date [not the part about the Big Bang], and ignore the invitation to join a discussion. i am not currently keeping up the website and the discussion forum is not functioning.) Not only is the Big Bang refutable, but astrophysicists are presently flabbergasted by recent discoveries in astrophysics. It turns out, 95% of the universe is missing. They refer to this missing matter as "dark matter."
Since there is overwhelming, compelling evidence that the Bible is literally the word of God, we can expect physics and other sciences to have some revolutionary surprises in store for us and we can expect science, in the long run, to affirm the Genesis account of creation. Therefore, I propose starting a biblical astrophysics journal to keep tabs on astrophysics and to promote research aimed at backing up the Bible. But this project, like my invention, is going nowhere if God does not want it to.
So, I seek God's help in my life. I seek eternal salvation. Please pray for me. When I think I'm saved, I pray for you.
