Give "Bad" Advice (3)

[Quid est Veritas?]

Just overthrow the government and set up a dictatorship. Doesn't matter if it is Left or Right, or even traditional, there will be some sort of final solution or liquidation of the problem.

I've invested a lot in Talkies, but my actress has the voice of nails on a chalkboard. I've tried to get a sultry voiced siren to milly-vanilly her, but now I can't sleep and my suit is still wet.

 

[Chesterton]

Just re-write her character as a deaf-mute.

How best to deal with my Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder?

 

[gennypearl]

Travel back in time.

How to figure out an enigma?

 

[Chesterton]

Ask Siri.

How to increase my revenue of candy while trick-or-treating?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Theft. There are so many defenceless kiddos about.

How can my advice be more timeous?

 

[Chesterton]

Sharpen your mind-reading skills and give the advice before we ask for it.

I want to break a world record for something. What should it be?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

I don't know, but doing it for something is very difficult. All the good diseases are taken, Children's hospitals are a plebeian cause, and doing it for a social justice cause necessitates dying your hair an odd colour. I'd just do it for a quirky cause, like tooth decay.

How can I convince my insurance it wasn't my fault?

 

[Chesterton]

You've never heard of Photoshop?

How can I convince the world to adopt my radically new International Standard of Measurements?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Just get Apple on board, and most people will follow it slavishly. Just make sure the younguns know it is hip and with-it and Apple will follow suit.

Which Christmas tree should I get? Traditional pine or substitute some other tree?

 

[Chesterton]

Get the Charlie Brown kind of tree. It needs a little love.

How can I tell if this department store Santa has been drinking?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

That is a tough philosophical question, akin to "Is water wet" or "Is soup a drink". Best sneak him a bottle of finely aged Scotch, so you'll know he has been drinking.

How can I get these mosquitoes to back-off?

 

[Chesterton]

Make an appointment with a medieval doctor and have him perform an extreme bloodletting. Draining all the blood from your body will serve as a disincentive for them. Unfortunately, some mosquitoes are known to bite humans just because they think it's funny, and there's not much we can do about that.

I recently remodeled my home to take advantage of the "Internet of Things", and now my toaster is becoming self-aware. Help!

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

This is an ongoing problem that the fatcats in Washington are either ignoring or in cahoots with. They even tried to propagandise the kids on the issue:

Just listen to my twice weekly seven hour rant podcast on the subject.

My freezer is broken and all my food is defrosting.

 

[Chesterton]

Now's a good time to start training to be a competitive eater.

Life is so perfect, I can't think of anything about which I need to ask advice.

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Overanalyse, overanalyse. There is always something you can ruin by that. Think man!

I need to make extra space for the relatives somehow.

 

[Chesterton]

You must have some room in your freezer now?

I'm really hungry, and the microwave just isn't fast enough.

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

There is a good Biblical solution. Isaiah 6:6-7. There, no need to wait.

For some reason I have massive inhalation burns. Help me sooth the pain.

 

[Chesterton]

Take a massive hit of of 1,1,1,2-Tetrafluoroethane. Repeat as needed.

How should I celebrate the New Year?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Best wait till the hulabaloo has died down, so that there are no crowds. I'd suggest celebrating it on March 23rd at 7:43 exactly. You can let off some fireworks in Times Square.

How can I get my relatives to leave? Christmas day is over.

 

[Chesterton]

Play some Trout Mask Replica real loud. Works every time.

How can I become a mover and shaker?