First of all, thank you to everyone who takes the time to read, pray or respond to this. I don't know if I'm looking for answers or simply support.
Let me also start with this, I love my fiance. She is more than I ever hoped to find in a wife. I love her wholeheartedly, and I have no doubts whatsoever about marrying her. We are nearing the 3 month mark.
A little about the two of us. We're in our mid-twenties, actively pursue our relationship with God, we communicate well, we'd spend every second together if we could, both athletic, touch is a love language for both of us.
I don't need to dive into the gritty details of her past, so here's the abridged version. She started dating a guy for a few months. He two-timed her. Being a competitive woman she thought having sex with him would win him over. It didn't, but over the course of 2 years she kept going back to him, unbeknownst to anyone. She said she never loved him, and that their sexual relationship was a "who could care less" kind of dynamic. Even though the guy was an absolute jerk, she had developed an emotional bond with him. It was a cycle of sin that many of us fall into. Indulgence, guilt, pleading with God for forgiveness, complacency, and then back to sin again. The longer the cycle continued, the more damaged her self esteem became.
She was very skiddish about any serious relationship when I came around. The bond she had with him was severed a couple months before we started dating, but the pain was still fresh. Because I cared so much for her, and because she was in such obvious pain, I ignored my own hurt and comforted her, prayed with her, prayed for him even... the guy that took her virginity (he's supposedly a Christian). Forgiveness came quickly because I knew I had failed God more severely than she ever could fail me.
Forgetting is what I can't do. I desperately want to, but the thought of him is always lingering in the back of my head. Some days I can silence the enemy, but I'm not strong every day. And my walk with God isn't perfect. Satan finds holes in my guard and I'm overwhelmed with sadness and anger. The more connected I become with her, and the deeper our hearts bind, the more it overwhelms me.
It's an aspect of our relationship where he won, and I lost. And I won't win until we're married. It's a lie from Satan, but it's what I feel.
I've prayed. I've talked to our PM counselor about it. My fiance and I have talked through it. At this point, I'm just trying to bare the hurt until we're married. I guess I shouldn't expect the pain to go away because that's the consequence of sin. I just wasn't prepared for this kind of grief and I never knew that the woman I most love could also be the cause of my greatest grief...
Let me also start with this, I love my fiance. She is more than I ever hoped to find in a wife. I love her wholeheartedly, and I have no doubts whatsoever about marrying her. We are nearing the 3 month mark.
A little about the two of us. We're in our mid-twenties, actively pursue our relationship with God, we communicate well, we'd spend every second together if we could, both athletic, touch is a love language for both of us.
I don't need to dive into the gritty details of her past, so here's the abridged version. She started dating a guy for a few months. He two-timed her. Being a competitive woman she thought having sex with him would win him over. It didn't, but over the course of 2 years she kept going back to him, unbeknownst to anyone. She said she never loved him, and that their sexual relationship was a "who could care less" kind of dynamic. Even though the guy was an absolute jerk, she had developed an emotional bond with him. It was a cycle of sin that many of us fall into. Indulgence, guilt, pleading with God for forgiveness, complacency, and then back to sin again. The longer the cycle continued, the more damaged her self esteem became.
She was very skiddish about any serious relationship when I came around. The bond she had with him was severed a couple months before we started dating, but the pain was still fresh. Because I cared so much for her, and because she was in such obvious pain, I ignored my own hurt and comforted her, prayed with her, prayed for him even... the guy that took her virginity (he's supposedly a Christian). Forgiveness came quickly because I knew I had failed God more severely than she ever could fail me.
Forgetting is what I can't do. I desperately want to, but the thought of him is always lingering in the back of my head. Some days I can silence the enemy, but I'm not strong every day. And my walk with God isn't perfect. Satan finds holes in my guard and I'm overwhelmed with sadness and anger. The more connected I become with her, and the deeper our hearts bind, the more it overwhelms me.
It's an aspect of our relationship where he won, and I lost. And I won't win until we're married. It's a lie from Satan, but it's what I feel.
I've prayed. I've talked to our PM counselor about it. My fiance and I have talked through it. At this point, I'm just trying to bare the hurt until we're married. I guess I shouldn't expect the pain to go away because that's the consequence of sin. I just wasn't prepared for this kind of grief and I never knew that the woman I most love could also be the cause of my greatest grief...
God bless.
