Does a husband have to meet all his wife's sexual desires?
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dallasapple
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If HE doesnt want to be married to someone that will DUMP(DIVORCE) HIM over being uncomfortable with a specific sex act then HE shouldnt marry her to begin with.
If he chooses to marry her anyway thats HIS perogative..Not many people woudl get marreid to someone that would DIVORCE them if they were otehrwise compatible and had a great marraige over a single sex act..
But if thats O.K with him?..Who am I to say..But I didnt hear him saying that was a threat..you are the one that started saying a spouse would divorce over it..I said then then they are better off without that person..if its not that appalling to him?Then its really not that uncomfortable to him to begin with.So there is no issue..
Dallas
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Just because she may not have stated it does not mean its not implyed, if she went out of her way to specificly discuss certian sex acts its pretty safe to say that if he lied to her to get her to marry him and then cut her off at the very least it could create a very rocky marriage if not a divorce. The "threat" of divorce does not have to be made explicit over a date or correspondance in order for that to be a very real possibility.
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dallasapple
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Yes it does..becasue MOST reasonable people would not consider divorcign over that..so the assumption is NEITHER would the person they are considering marrying..
If its something you would DIVORCE over it needs to be stated point blank.Like I said MOST people would never DREAM their spouse would come up with a new sex act in the middle of an otherwise happy marriage including sexually fullfiling..and if they decided they werent comfortable with it or in fact were very uncomfortable with it their spouse would divorce them over it..
Because the truth is..MOST spouses would NOT divorce the person they loved and were happy with over a SEX ACT>.So thats why it needs to be stated clearly up front..
"If I decide I want something in bed..and you wont do it..I WILL DIVORCE YOU OVER IT"..period..then the person can walk off and say ..GOOD LUCK CAMPER..or they can agree to being married to someone like that...maybe they are the same "type" who knows..
but if YOU know you would divorce over it..then its YOUR responsibility to let the unsuspecting person know..because thats an UNUSUAL reason for someone to END an otherwise GOOD relationship.
Dallas
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Thats your opinion, if someone cares enough about a specific sex act to specificly bring it up and then you lie about it to get them to marry you I would expect to have some serious problems in the marriage and its not impossible that it could lead to divorce if the person you lied to is unhappy enough with your behavior or lack there of.
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dreamer82
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It kills me that a question about meeting your spouse's every sexual desire (unrealistic, for starters...no human being should be expected to meet all of someone else's "needs" or desires) jumps so quickly to divorce, as though that is a reasonable thing to expect in such cases. Really? I mean...REALLY?! Gah, marriage is about so much more than sex! Personally I can't understand seriously pressuring my spouse for a sexual act once I know it makes him really uncomfortable. I want him to respect my comfort levels and boundaries in life including in the bedroom, so I do the same for him. A spouse is not an prostitute whose job is to do whatever you want for them! What is with the obsession with self-gratification? Sex between spouses should be an expression of love, intimacy and unity, not a checklist of kinky favours that "must" be performed to avoid divorce no matter how "gross" that makes your spouse feel! If I knew my h didn't want to do something I wouldn't WANT him to "do it anyways" for my sake. Yuck! That would not be enjoyable for me, knowing he is just doing it out of obligation and pushing past his own serious discomfort. Ideally, sex should be about mutual enjoyment, caring about the others' satisfaction, not just your own. If you think you "should" make sure you meet your spouse's sexual needs then you equally "should" make sure you do not expect or demand things of your spouse that violate his/her boundaries. That would not be loving either! I cannot fathom so quickly linking something so minor in the grand scheme of marriage to divorce. Some people's priorities are really jumbled up. In a nutshell I think it's great to strive to make sure your spouse is happy with their sex life, but nobody should feel obligated to do things they're not comfortable with doing.
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dallasapple
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Im NOT talking about lying...in fact Im talking about honesty....that the person saying they will want these "specific sex acts" and as well possibly OTHER sex acts not on the list already after marriage and if they dont get them they are "likely to divorce them over it".Disclosing this hard cold IMPORTANT fact to the UNSUSPECTING future spouse..So then THEY can know ahead of time they are marrying a person that would DIVORCE THEM over it..and I DOUBT most people would agree to marry a person that indeed would divorce over it..So its only FAIR to disclose that UP FRONT..that the person considers it THAT important that it wont MATTER what else they have in the relationship thats good and they have in common and are compatible over that it would not be ENOUGH to stop them from divorcing them..
IOW ANYTHING you know that you would DIVORCE the person over..especially if its something like a speicific sex act not beign granted or lets say ANY sex act being granted should be discolsed..and PUT in those terms..not "I would expect X sex act if we were to marry"....it should be "I would get a DIVORCE if you dont agree after marriage to perform xyz and possilby OTHER sex acts ...And I mean INCLUDING things like you dont expect any interuption in frequency...it woudl have to be something that made sex litterally impossible..and that does NOT include being hospitalized either..you can get a private room..
Its only FAIR that the person who would DIVORCE over it divulge THAT fact before the person can agree or not agree to MARRIAGE in the first place..Because MOST people would not ASSUME their spouse would divorce over that is the point..and may not wish to marry someone that WOULD..even if they are pretty sure they could attempt said sex acts..They just may not want to marry a person that would leave them over something like that..PERIOD.
Dallas
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I think you are being melo dramatic, its enough to say that not performing a sex act is a deal breaker, they dont need to go into theatrics about it to know that its implyed that if they lied about performing the sex acts there will be problems upto and including divorce.
And yes it really does boil down to lieing and defrauding because she already made it clear she expects these sex acts, it does not matter if she went into over the top theatrics about the discussion, he is either cool with it or he is not.
I disagree with you that there is an expectation that someone make themselves look hostile or melodramatic while they are laying out their deal breakers which is what you are implying and I disagree . PERIOD
Its not rocket science to know that you want to finesse the dating process while still being firm on your deal breakers, its not neurosurgery and people are not going to sabotage their dating relationships just because you say so and they happen to have sexual deal breakers.
In my case I actually did divorce for defrauding and my wife knew that and was ok with that .... obviously. So its not as rare as you think to find someone who is ok with sexual expectations, in my case it was a win for my wife too because that expectation works both ways so there is never any fear in the relationship that a sexual need is ever going to go unmet other than in VERY rare occasions, in the last 3 years I think there was 1 or 2 times and we made up for it the next day. It makes the marriage and life so much better when you know that no matter what is going on in life sex will be the high priority if one of us need it.
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dallasapple
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Problems including divorce would be what would invlove a LOT of theatrics..So if you think its too THEATRICAL to warn the person before you marry them that you would divorce over it then you could not blame them for having NO IDEA you would go to that extreme over it in the first place.
I think if you would go that far //divorce over a sex act..its deception to not tell the person in THOSE words before marriage..again because MOST people would not assume that..
I dont know why if its just that simple..to say that now..why you would encourage not using those terms ..'I would divorce over refusal a specific sex acts" before the person agrees to marriage..
Lets put it this way...if my husband had told me before we got marrried.."I want x and y sex acts after marraige..as well as if I think of other things while we are marreid I expect compliance..it you WONT do those things..I would most likely get a divorce over that...then .I would have CHOSEN NOT to MARRY him..
IOW its THAT important to know before hand before you agree to marry someone that they would divorce you over it..in order for them to agree to the marriage to begin with.That is NOT something most people would ASSUME the spouse might get a divorce over..thats why for those that would ..its their responsiblilty to WARN their prospective spouse..
Dallas
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Making threats and being hostile in the dating process is foolish, simply stating its a deal breaker is all that needs to be done. So what your saying is that in your relm people can lie about things before marriage and then once they have someone hooked assume that its all good now and they dont have to uphold what they said simply because divorce is extreme, and you dont think lieing about key things before marriage is extreme?
Sorry wrong answer, your advice is poisin. Its the same principle as a woman wanting a kid and the man saying he is ok with that and then reniging on it years down the road, should she say that she will divorce him if he does not give her a kid or is it implyed that if he lied about it its going to cause problems upto and including divorce, or is that different because that was one of YOUR deal breakers.
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dallasapple
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Its not a THREAT ..its the truth..and if your saying you dont put it that way because then they wouldnt AGREE to marry you if that would be a cause for divorce then you have made MY POINT..Most people would NOT divorce over something like not gettting a specific sex act..therefore most people would not want to be married to someone that WOULD.So they ASSUME that wouldnt be a THREAT AFTER marriage..
You cant THEN after marriage start threatening divorce over it saying they AGREED to those terms..THATS whats hostile.
And with the kids ?...NO its not the same..having children is a HUMONGOUS LIFE EVENT...a "specific sex act" is not..and I think most REASONABLE people would assume if you both say you want children..that you wouldnt MARRY someone in the FIRST place that wanted NONE.
IN fact I dont think it would be considered FOOLISH to put it that way either..Under NO uncertain terms do I want to get married not to just YOU ..but to ANYONE who doesnt want children with me..that is a LIFE goal for me..so if you arent willing to have children then I will move on ..and find someone who does ..period.
If someone put it that same exact way ..over a SEX ACT..I would RUN for the hills and so would MOST people..
If my husband had said...Under NO uncertain terms do I want to marry you or for that matter anyone that doesnt want to give me oral sex everytime we have sex unless its for a rare exception ...that is a LIFE goal of mine..I would have said NICE to meet you and GOODBYE and good luck to you finding the "love of your life".
And in fact it wouldnt MATTER if I thought I was even possibly up to TRYING to meet that goal of his..I just plain would be GRATEFUL for the warning they were that hung up on sex.and say ..have a NICE life and good luck...finding out AFTER marriage and beign threatened with divorce over it is shameful..
Having children as a life goal that is not unusual.And stating upfront its a divorcable issue for you would not send someone running..unless they knew they didnt want children..
Stating upfront you would divorce a person over a sex act..would send most packing.
Dallas
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Thats your opinion and you have no real evidence to back up the fact that MOST would run for the hills if one stated the bolded. I met my current wife about a month after my ex left and she knew we got divorced because of sexual incompatability and I made it clear that thoes sex acts were deal breaker issues for me.
Its really no different of a situation than stating kids are a deal breaker issue. And you have no evidence for all the assertions you make that most would run for the hills, maybe you would have but you have no way to prove that most would and my situation would suggest otherwise.
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dallasapple
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No your situation would NOT suggest otherwise..And if you havent noticed most of the people here do NOT agree with you ..Even here you are in by far the minority with your views on divorcing over SEX ACTS!..If people here cant even agree with you(male and female alike) ..how in the heck then could you conclude that most peopel would MARRY someone with that view?
Even people that come here and are currently suffering from extended or severe sexual dysfunction tell YOU to leave them alone when you suggest divorce..if thats not a HINT that "most people' would REJECT the prospect of marrying someone that would divorce THEM over not getting a specific sex act..in an otherwise sexually fullfilling marriage and other wise happy marriage then I dont know what to tell you .
Dallas
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dallasapple
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Also..I would like to see ANYONE here(or lets say any significant # of people) ...besides YOU ..say right here..that if they could NOT HAVE oral sex on a regular basis with their spouse..if that would affect them as DEEPLY and as profoundly as if they could never have a child with their spouse..
Im sorry but you can NOT compare the two..as "dealbreakers" for marriage as far as "most' people are concerned..Their are couples everyday going through enormous expense and spending enourmous amounts of emotional energy and going through painful procedures to try and have a child...if someone said thats exactly how important "oral sex' is to them as well and would go through the same things to get it?I think most people would seriously think they had their priorities out of whack in a very obvious way.And would wish them well and move ON if they were a prospective marriage partner..
Dallas
Im sorry but you can NOT compare the two..as "dealbreakers" for marriage as far as "most' people are concerned..Their are couples everyday going through enormous expense and spending enourmous amounts of emotional energy and going through painful procedures to try and have a child...if someone said thats exactly how important "oral sex' is to them as well and would go through the same things to get it?I think most people would seriously think they had their priorities out of whack in a very obvious way.And would wish them well and move ON if they were a prospective marriage partner..
Dallas
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Could it be that is why prostitution is still alive and well and why some men cheat on their wives, wouldent you call that extreme as well? Also there is maybe 20 people on this sub forum on a regular basis so you would say thats a good sample size of the entire USA? There are plenty of people out there that sex acts are just as important to them as having as kid is to some people, just because im the only one on here does not mean we are some rare misfit bunch that live in an elusive forest shouded in fog lol. It is something else that this is a christian site and I get the most nasty responses for having a differing of opinion as well. I dont know why you feel the need to try to put little twists in what people say to try to spin it into an argument.
And even if I am rare I was upfront about it and found someone in ONE month and had several GF in that month that were also into it, not that that was right but I was SO happy to be away from my ex and to be able to get what I desperatly needed.
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dreamer82
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Oh please...prostitution and infidelity don't exist because men "need" a particular sex act. They exist because some people are selfish and will do whatever they want to themselves and others to get what they want even though that thing is actually incredibly unimportant and unNECESSARY in the grand scheme of things. I too can't think of anybody whose jaw wouldn't drop in shock and horror if the person they were dating stated that getting oral sex every time they get intimate is a must...or else. Seriously?! What is the person you're dating? A blow-up doll with a job to do or else worthless to you? Is sex the #1 priority in a relationship for you? It sure seems that way for way too many people; sadly, many of them are Christian men with an overgrown sense of entitlement. I agree with Dallas...there are way too many men that worship or are obsessed with sex and getting what they want in the bedroom from their wives (or whoever else) first and foremost, showing that they have their priorities completely out of order. I don't know if it makes me feel more angry or sad. But either way...it's not right, and something being common has never meant by default that it's good.
You're actually bragging that you have been upfront about "needing" oral sex and have gotten several people to provide that service to you within a month...? Newsflash: it is not difficult, unfortunately, in the sex-saturated society in which we live today, to wear your sexual preferences on your sleeve and find someone just as sex-motivated as you to give you what you want. It's not remarkable in the least. It's just crazy to me, though, that you honestly believe that one particular sex act is a "need." There are so many reasons why someone might not be into certain things, or have a lower libido, or be unable physically or emotionally to do x, y, or z in the bedroom. SO WHAT. That's where LOVE comes in. You know, love? That little thing that joins two people at the heart instead of at the...well, you know. LOVE is way more important than sex. So many have forgotten that.
A "relationship" or marriage that depends on sex is NEVER going to be what God intended it to be.
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Oh please...prostitution and infidelity don't exist because men "need" a particular sex act. They exist because some people are selfish and will do whatever they want to themselves and others to get what they want even though that thing is actually incredibly unimportant and unNECESSARY in the grand scheme of things. I too can't think of anybody whose jaw wouldn't drop in shock and horror if the person they were dating stated that getting oral sex every time they get intimate is a must...or else. Seriously?! What is the person you're dating? A blow-up doll with a job to do or else worthless to you? Is sex the #1 priority in a relationship for you? It sure seems that way for way too many people; sadly, many of them are Christian men with an overgrown sense of entitlement. I agree with Dallas...there are way too many men that worship or are obsessed with sex and getting what they want in the bedroom from their wives (or whoever else) first and foremost, showing that they have their priorities completely out of order. I don't know if it makes me feel more angry or sad. But either way...it's not right, and something being common has never meant by default that it's good.
You're actually bragging that you have been upfront about "needing" oral sex and have gotten several people to provide that service to you within a month...? Newsflash: it is not difficult, unfortunately, in the sex-saturated society in which we live today, to wear your sexual preferences on your sleeve and find someone just as sex-motivated as you to give you what you want. It's not remarkable in the least. It's just crazy to me, though, that you honestly believe that one particular sex act is a "need." There are so many reasons why someone might not be into certain things, or have a lower libido, or be unable physically or emotionally to do x, y, or z in the bedroom. SO WHAT. That's where LOVE comes in. You know, love? That little thing that joins two people at the heart instead of at the...well, you know. LOVE is way more important than sex. So many have forgotten that.
Can you please back up the bolded with EXPLICIT scripture, I can point directly to a scriputre that says that defrauding sex from your spouse can be extremely destructive. So most of this post is just your hate filled opinion lashing out at men with high standards.
The contrast of that post was in regards to kids being a need but sex acts some how are not.
So you think that having a kid is a need but sex is not? Interesting. Would you divorce your husband if he changed his mind about wanting kids? Also I never said that my sleeping around for thoes couple of weeks was right just that it was a breath of fresh air, but I eventually wanted a commited relationship with someone I was actually sexually compatible with, which is NOT wrong.
Also I was refering to dallas post saying that woman who would sign on to what I was proposing was so rare as to be statisticly insignificant and I shut her up because she has no facts to back it up and my individual sitaution proved her wrong on its own.
Feminists and prudes want to make it seem like most women are like them (and in some parts of the country like NYC or new jersey, that may be true) but not all over the nation or the world.
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- Jun 14, 2004
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Gabe7 - back to your question, in a less detailed way.
So the man likes the thought of acts A, B, C. He could do D, but wouldn't choose to on his own. E he finds offensive.
The woman likes the thought of B,C, D and E. Not a big fan of A - again could do it but wouldn't choose to on her own.
The bulk of the marriage activity is going to revolve around B and C. In loving their spouse, both should mix in some of A and D. (And often the pleasure of seeing the spouse so happy more than makes up for whatever was distasteful in thought about the act. You might find it enjoyable when all said and done for that reason alone) E is pretty much off the table.
Very, very, very few people are going to find not doing E a dealbreaker when there is so much joy and love involved in A-D. If you truly think there may be a dealbreaker, you should discuss prior to marriage. But from your description, nothing stated so far seems to fall into that category.
So the man likes the thought of acts A, B, C. He could do D, but wouldn't choose to on his own. E he finds offensive.
The woman likes the thought of B,C, D and E. Not a big fan of A - again could do it but wouldn't choose to on her own.
The bulk of the marriage activity is going to revolve around B and C. In loving their spouse, both should mix in some of A and D. (And often the pleasure of seeing the spouse so happy more than makes up for whatever was distasteful in thought about the act. You might find it enjoyable when all said and done for that reason alone) E is pretty much off the table.
Very, very, very few people are going to find not doing E a dealbreaker when there is so much joy and love involved in A-D. If you truly think there may be a dealbreaker, you should discuss prior to marriage. But from your description, nothing stated so far seems to fall into that category.
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chaz345
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Neither will a marriage where sex is treated as an extra, as the icing on the cake so to speak. Sex is AS essential to a marriage being all that God intends as any other aspect of the relationship. Not more, not less. But many seem to want to put it in a category of almost optional, or something that comes after everything else.
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