Divorced and reconciling?

[Lynn Schultz]

My husband and I divorce after 28 years. We had a good marriage with many wonderful children. We led couple studies, vowed we would never divorce. All the things you do to make your marriage last. My husband lost a job and had some health issues and sank into a deep depression. He refused to get help. We sought several counselors and friends but he wouldn't listen to any of them. Refused to accept responsibility for his actions or attitudes. ALWAYS blaming me for EVERYTHING. When he apologized it was mere words, no change in the behavior. Even then it was my fault because I couldn't accept his apology. He was in a very fragile state - could not be wrong about anything. I couldn't mention anything negative. Nothing. I walked on eggshells while he grew meaner and meaner. He grew more distant, more volatile. I feared the verbal and emotional abuse would turn physical at any moment. After many many job changes he took a job out of state. I didn't hear from him for months and months. I put my life back together as best as I could. Prayed daily for wisdom on how I was to be both mother and father to my children while God was showing me how to be the new me. He eventually moved back near me and the kids. We had little or no contact. Still mean and nasty. I couldn't take it. I filed for divorce. Not one word from him. About a year after the divorce he introduced our children to a new woman he said he loved. Several months after that he abruptly married and moved out of state. Our kids were mad and angry but he wouldn't discuss it. Told them that his first priority was his new wife and that was God's design. After a few short months he told my children the relationship wasn't working and he was moving back. He is in the process of divorcing his second wife Is seeking intense treatment for his diagnosed depression and bipolar. Seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist. We have had a bit of communication. I am suspecting he wants to reconcile. Help!!! Praying for leading. Should I? Should we? Could we? I don't know what to do.

 

[1stcenturylady]

My husband and I divorce after 28 years. We had a good marriage with many wonderful children. We led couple studies, vowed we would never divorce. All the things you do to make your marriage last. My husband lost a job and had some health issues and sank into a deep depression. He refused to get help. We sought several counselors and friends but he wouldn't listen to any of them. Refused to accept responsibility for his actions or attitudes. ALWAYS blaming me for EVERYTHING. When he apologized it was mere words, no change in the behavior. Even then it was my fault because I couldn't accept his apology. He was in a very fragile state - could not be wrong about anything. I couldn't mention anything negative. Nothing. I walked on eggshells while he grew meaner and meaner. He grew more distant, more volatile. I feared the verbal and emotional abuse would turn physical at any moment. After many many job changes he took a job out of state. I didn't hear from him for months and months. I put my life back together as best as I could. Prayed daily for wisdom on how I was to be both mother and father to my children while God was showing me how to be the new me. He eventually moved back near me and the kids. We had little or no contact. Still mean and nasty. I couldn't take it. I filed for divorce. Not one word from him. About a year after the divorce he introduced our children to a new woman he said he loved. Several months after that he abruptly married and moved out of state. Our kids were mad and angry but he wouldn't discuss it. Told them that his first priority was his new wife and that was God's design. After a few short months he told my children the relationship wasn't working and he was moving back. He is in the process of divorcing his second wife Is seeking intense treatment for his diagnosed depression and bipolar. Seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist. We have had a bit of communication. I am suspecting he wants to reconcile. Help!!! Praying for leading. Should I? Should we? Could we? I don't know what to do.

In the old covenant, no. Deuteronomy 24:1-4

In the new covenant, if he repents, then have a dating relationship and a LONG engagement. He is going to have to earn your trust.

 

[paul1149]

I would go very slow. You need to prove repentance is genuine, for the right reasons. Trust has to be re-earned, one step, one test, at a time. Our sufficiency is in God. Anything He chooses to give us is extra.

At the same time, perhaps there may be room to be a friend to him, as surely he is a person who needs a lot of help. But not at the cost of exposing yourself or the kids again.

 

[dayhiker]

From what your describing, I say the best bet is to never remarry him. He may get better at hiding symptoms, meds might even keep them under control. But I suspect he is never going to love you in a really healthy way.

 

[SheldonCooper]

My husband and I divorce after 28 years. We had a good marriage with many wonderful children. We led couple studies, vowed we would never divorce. All the things you do to make your marriage last. My husband lost a job and had some health issues and sank into a deep depression. He refused to get help. We sought several counselors and friends but he wouldn't listen to any of them. Refused to accept responsibility for his actions or attitudes. ALWAYS blaming me for EVERYTHING. When he apologized it was mere words, no change in the behavior. Even then it was my fault because I couldn't accept his apology. He was in a very fragile state - could not be wrong about anything. I couldn't mention anything negative. Nothing. I walked on eggshells while he grew meaner and meaner. He grew more distant, more volatile. I feared the verbal and emotional abuse would turn physical at any moment. After many many job changes he took a job out of state. I didn't hear from him for months and months. I put my life back together as best as I could. Prayed daily for wisdom on how I was to be both mother and father to my children while God was showing me how to be the new me. He eventually moved back near me and the kids. We had little or no contact. Still mean and nasty. I couldn't take it. I filed for divorce. Not one word from him. About a year after the divorce he introduced our children to a new woman he said he loved. Several months after that he abruptly married and moved out of state. Our kids were mad and angry but he wouldn't discuss it. Told them that his first priority was his new wife and that was God's design. After a few short months he told my children the relationship wasn't working and he was moving back. He is in the process of divorcing his second wife Is seeking intense treatment for his diagnosed depression and bipolar. Seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist. We have had a bit of communication. I am suspecting he wants to reconcile. Help!!! Praying for leading. Should I? Should we? Could we? I don't know what to do.

Should you? No.
Should you all? No.
Could you all? Yes.

Here's why I say no. The man clearly just wanted something new to love on. Now he's manipulating you. He's a hazard to your psyche and at this point is only caring about himself. In not taking him back, you put him in the position to hold himself accountable for the choice he made. Yes, 28 years is a long time and could serve as a reason to give him a second chance. Consider this...

After 28 years he decides you're not good enough? And immediately marries another woman to then have the audacity to say that his first priority is his new wife. The new woman even took priority over his own children. Clearly, his actions show that longevity in a marriage means nothing to him.

So, instead of praying about it try using some common sense. It'll hurt, probably still does. That's why life is fun. The drama. The ups and downs. Embrace it. Be strong. And hold that man accountable for his choices via keeping him away. He ruined his chance. Especially after a 28 year marriage.

It's done.

 

[Katie's Mom]

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are doing the best you can and getting your own life together. God asks us to love our neighbors, but we also need to love ourselves. Focus on you, your own life and your relationship with God. You are not responsible for your ex-husband's happiness. It's his own path. If you do decide to move forward with a relationship with him, be cautious and pretend that he's a stranger that you just met for the first time. Is he someone you would want to be with? Is he someone you would want as a husband? Erase the past and look at his actions to determine that. I'm going through the same thing as you and I keep telling myself these things but it's very hard! Keep praying and leaning on the Lord.