I don't really know how to put all of this into words, but it's a very real thing that's bringing me down. I always wanted to be a very devout Christian. At one point I wanted to be a missionary. I have studied theology fairly extensively. Maybe it's my natural OCD nature, but I really wanted to serve God completely. God led me down a different career path in life, but I still felt that I was following His will. Well, fast-forward to my late 40s. I'm a SAH wife and a mother (jobs I dearly love and I believe are part of the divine plan.) I homeschool our adopted daughter and run our little farm. I teach Sunday School at church. Our family is blessed and, while we live simply, we're able to help a lot of people and charities. From taking home-raised food to food pantries, taking baby goats to "visit" the nursing home, and financially helping those in need, I think our family really has made a difference.
All of this sounds great. Maybe I'm just discouraged. I have fibromyalgia that causes me almost constant fatigue and pain. I literally don't have a lot of energy; the fatigue is like I'm getting a cold or the flu every day. One day it was like God just pulled the plug and since then, I'll occasionally have a flare that will literally knock me down. (And, yes, I've tried all kinds of supplements and drugs and also some quackery.) I can't be nearly as active as I'd like, and along with my back problems, I've had to give up many activities, and our house is never as clean as I'd like it to be. (We also foster dogs, by the way, in part because our daughter, below, has a real affinity for dogs and has what amounts to several emotional support dogs.)
I've homeschooled our adopted daughter who, we've been told twice, has an IQ of between 71 and 76, along with ADHD, etc. This probably isn't anything like what you're imagining. She's a wonderful person and appears and sounds very "normal," even intelligent. She just struggles academically and thinks on a level about three years younger than she is. Homeschooling used to be an exciting challenge, to say the least, but not it seems almost futile. She's 16 now, and reads (by the grace of God) at a 7th grade level. Some of her friends, though, are already starting college early or taking dual-credit, while she struggles to tell time on an analog clock, and her writing still looks like she's never studied grammar a day in her life. We've used Christian materials throughout her schooling, but she's also going through a "questioning" time, while her friend is a solid, devout Christian. I know that Biblically we shouldn't compare, but sometimes, honestly, it's hard to be faithful and continue to invest such an incredible amount of time and energy in her lessons when I'm really not sure it makes a difference. ** To clarify, I love my daughter very much, and I'm not disappointed in her given the challenges she's face in her life. Sometimes I feel that maybe we could have done more (although we've done all that we could, and it's driven me to prayer over and over.) There are schools on the East Coast ($$$$$$$$) that specialize in this type of education. In my worst moments I wonder if that might have been better for her, but logically I know that, while it might have had some advantages, it would also have had some SERIOUS problems, other than just the financial challenge. For one, we love our daughter, she loves living here on the farm with her dogs, and she's learned some really practical vocational skills here. Sometimes I just second-guess myself, though, and wish I could have waved a magic wand and made all her struggles disappear.)
I teach kids' Sunday school, but I don't know that I'm really good at it. I try to be fun and creative, but I'm a very logical, serious, detail-oriented person and I don't like the fluffy lessons so often taught to kids. We DO crafts and things (right now we're making hats for charity), but sometimes I feel that I'm just in the wrong place. I can only hope that maybe I'm planting some kind of a seed.
It's also hard at church (we go to a little bitty church.) I'm going to come out and say this here even if it sounds boastful. I have a superior IQ (maybe in the upper 2%, while our daughter is in the lower 2%), am a historian, and have studied more theology than most people in our church. Maybe I'm even a little bit Asperger's. I like people, but just don't fit in well. It's really uncomfortable. In some churches we've been to, I've known more theology than the pastor. I know this isn't as important, perhaps, as having the Holy Spirit, but when you hear someone teaching something that's just completely WRONG historically and theologically, or something that's completely crackpot, and you can't even say anything or have a dialog about it, that's really stressful. Our friend is a Sunday School superintendent, and yet doesn't know the first thing about history, and he doesn't even realize that Baptists are Protestants. Yet because I'm a woman, I feel that I "shouldn't teach a man," so I bite my tongue. It's honestly getting pretty sore. (Yes, if we had a women's Sunday school class, I would like to try to teach it, but we're too small of a church for that.)
This is even harder: again, I'm a little OCD. If it were up to me, we'd turn OFF the TV or maybe not even have one, and I'd probably dress in skirts all the time. (Again, no judgement, that's just me.) I'd really be more separated from the world and try to be more single-minded toward serving God. My husband, a wonderful man, feels differently about the TV, and he and my daughter watch some shows and movies that I'm very uncomfortable with, not because they're horribly bad, but they're just worldly and they do contain a lot of sexual references. I've tried to discuss this, but my husband really doesn't see things that way. He's the head of the house, though, and gets the last word on anything not clearly forbidden.
All of this isn't about my salvation; I believe in salvation by faith alone. Yet I just feel that I'm not being pleasing to God somehow; I'm not single-minded. I feel that I'm trapped in being a mediocre Christian and yet can't accept where God has placed me. It's like God has said, "You're too weird and just not holy or good enough to really do anything of any importance. I'm choosing someone else who's more normal, more energetic, and more dedicated." I just feel that I'll get to heaven and Jesus will say, "Wife- check. Mother -check. Decent person- check. Nice to animals-check. Sunday School teacher- check. You did okay, but you could have done better. Go on in and have a seat somewhere."
Maybe it's a mid-life thing. What do some of you think?
All of this sounds great. Maybe I'm just discouraged. I have fibromyalgia that causes me almost constant fatigue and pain. I literally don't have a lot of energy; the fatigue is like I'm getting a cold or the flu every day. One day it was like God just pulled the plug and since then, I'll occasionally have a flare that will literally knock me down. (And, yes, I've tried all kinds of supplements and drugs and also some quackery.) I can't be nearly as active as I'd like, and along with my back problems, I've had to give up many activities, and our house is never as clean as I'd like it to be. (We also foster dogs, by the way, in part because our daughter, below, has a real affinity for dogs and has what amounts to several emotional support dogs.)
I've homeschooled our adopted daughter who, we've been told twice, has an IQ of between 71 and 76, along with ADHD, etc. This probably isn't anything like what you're imagining. She's a wonderful person and appears and sounds very "normal," even intelligent. She just struggles academically and thinks on a level about three years younger than she is. Homeschooling used to be an exciting challenge, to say the least, but not it seems almost futile. She's 16 now, and reads (by the grace of God) at a 7th grade level. Some of her friends, though, are already starting college early or taking dual-credit, while she struggles to tell time on an analog clock, and her writing still looks like she's never studied grammar a day in her life. We've used Christian materials throughout her schooling, but she's also going through a "questioning" time, while her friend is a solid, devout Christian. I know that Biblically we shouldn't compare, but sometimes, honestly, it's hard to be faithful and continue to invest such an incredible amount of time and energy in her lessons when I'm really not sure it makes a difference. ** To clarify, I love my daughter very much, and I'm not disappointed in her given the challenges she's face in her life. Sometimes I feel that maybe we could have done more (although we've done all that we could, and it's driven me to prayer over and over.) There are schools on the East Coast ($$$$$$$$) that specialize in this type of education. In my worst moments I wonder if that might have been better for her, but logically I know that, while it might have had some advantages, it would also have had some SERIOUS problems, other than just the financial challenge. For one, we love our daughter, she loves living here on the farm with her dogs, and she's learned some really practical vocational skills here. Sometimes I just second-guess myself, though, and wish I could have waved a magic wand and made all her struggles disappear.)
I teach kids' Sunday school, but I don't know that I'm really good at it. I try to be fun and creative, but I'm a very logical, serious, detail-oriented person and I don't like the fluffy lessons so often taught to kids. We DO crafts and things (right now we're making hats for charity), but sometimes I feel that I'm just in the wrong place. I can only hope that maybe I'm planting some kind of a seed.
It's also hard at church (we go to a little bitty church.) I'm going to come out and say this here even if it sounds boastful. I have a superior IQ (maybe in the upper 2%, while our daughter is in the lower 2%), am a historian, and have studied more theology than most people in our church. Maybe I'm even a little bit Asperger's. I like people, but just don't fit in well. It's really uncomfortable. In some churches we've been to, I've known more theology than the pastor. I know this isn't as important, perhaps, as having the Holy Spirit, but when you hear someone teaching something that's just completely WRONG historically and theologically, or something that's completely crackpot, and you can't even say anything or have a dialog about it, that's really stressful. Our friend is a Sunday School superintendent, and yet doesn't know the first thing about history, and he doesn't even realize that Baptists are Protestants. Yet because I'm a woman, I feel that I "shouldn't teach a man," so I bite my tongue. It's honestly getting pretty sore. (Yes, if we had a women's Sunday school class, I would like to try to teach it, but we're too small of a church for that.)
This is even harder: again, I'm a little OCD. If it were up to me, we'd turn OFF the TV or maybe not even have one, and I'd probably dress in skirts all the time. (Again, no judgement, that's just me.) I'd really be more separated from the world and try to be more single-minded toward serving God. My husband, a wonderful man, feels differently about the TV, and he and my daughter watch some shows and movies that I'm very uncomfortable with, not because they're horribly bad, but they're just worldly and they do contain a lot of sexual references. I've tried to discuss this, but my husband really doesn't see things that way. He's the head of the house, though, and gets the last word on anything not clearly forbidden.
All of this isn't about my salvation; I believe in salvation by faith alone. Yet I just feel that I'm not being pleasing to God somehow; I'm not single-minded. I feel that I'm trapped in being a mediocre Christian and yet can't accept where God has placed me. It's like God has said, "You're too weird and just not holy or good enough to really do anything of any importance. I'm choosing someone else who's more normal, more energetic, and more dedicated." I just feel that I'll get to heaven and Jesus will say, "Wife- check. Mother -check. Decent person- check. Nice to animals-check. Sunday School teacher- check. You did okay, but you could have done better. Go on in and have a seat somewhere."
Maybe it's a mid-life thing. What do some of you think?
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