Depressed and lonely life

[pantingdeer]

When I was growing up I felt straight but when I was 16 (now 19) my libido left me completely one day out of nowhere and it never came back. This was the start of my depression. Every day since I've had anxiety about my sexuality and am mad at God for never helping me when I asked for help and to love women again. If I see a beautiful French woman (had a thing for them) now all I see is that they are pretty but I don't feel how I know I should feel. I feel empty inside and cannot love anyone.
I am also some sort of sociopath I believe as I don't appreciate any of my family and I don't get on with any of them. To be honest I've had thoughts of killing myself and them before and this makes me feel extremely evil inside when I don't want to be evil - I want to be nice.
I am also mad at my family for making me this way. As a child growing up my parents thought they were being "Christian" when they judged everyone else. They would make sour comments when they saw gay people on TV, and they would condemn alcohol, sex, parties, girls etc. and so I have never done anything of the sort out of shame or embarrassment of my family.
I have turned into a social weirdo with no friends or relationships (I.e no friends or girlfriend ever). Despite not thinking I was gay, when I lost my libido, the fear of how my parents would say or treat me created the anxiety which has made me become the person I am today. I feel nothing really towards any sex but when I see a guy I'm scared in case I find them good looking even though no attraction. When I see a girl I can see beauty but no feeling. I could never ask my parents for help because of what they've said in the past. I would feel the ultimate shame in the world.
This has left me depressed and lonely for the past 3 years. I've went to the doctor to check for low testosterone and it came back fine which made me sad as I thought it was the problem.

I will never be a man with French girl. I am very sad.

 

[pantingdeer]

<staff edit>
I don't like anyone anymore but want to love women. It would bring me joy again.

 

[mnorian]

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[L Hoffman]

Hey. Dealing with depression especially with things like libido is really scary especially in your situation. I say talk to a therapist it really helped me to talk to someone who wouldn't judge me or tell my parents anything that I didn't want them to. I would seriously consider it. Death is never the answer. You never know how many people you affect positively until you're gone. Consider the option of maybe God is calling you to live a single life? Let me know if that helped or can continue to help you

 

[pantingdeer]

I've always found it hard to mix with people and make friends. I don't know if being single is for me or not. I'm 19 and basically a man-child. I'd never have a girlfriend as I couldn't please her anyway.