dealing with temptation and insecurity while single

[ryewolf]

I'm a 32 year old single female. I have not had a boyfriend since I was 19. In between, I did date guys here and there and I was - to be honest - promiscuous. I led with my sexuality, and it worked. I got any guy I wanted (but they were not good guys).

Well, around 2 years ago I decided to rededicate my life to Christ. I dress more modestly, am abstinent, and refuse to lead with my sexuality. I've joined several Bibles studies and go to church regularly. I'm meeting lots of people, yet every guy I meet ends up dating another girl in our circle. So, I honestly feel like now that I don't lead with sexuality, I am doomed to be single because this is apparently what guys want (Christian or not).

For instance, at one Bible study, I met a guy who has a lot in common with me and I developed an interest in him. A few weeks later, this new girl showed up to the group and the second I saw her I knew they were going to like each other. She was wearing really short shorts and a tank top. Low and behold, they started showing up to the Bible study together over the next few weeks and are now boyfriend/girlfriend.

At a separate Bible study, I met another guy who I developed interest in. I have tried to get to know him over the past few months and we finally hung out alone recently, which I thought went well (it was not a date, just hanging out). Well recently a girl joined the group and they hit it off instantly. There was obvious physical chemistry between and she definitely gives off a sexual vibe with her body language. So I will not be surprised at all if they start dating within the next few weeks.

So, this is leading me to feel like I'm either ugly or weird (or both), or because I do not exude sexuality, that guys are not interested in me. I am extremely tempted to just get on tinder and find a guy that will go out with me, Christian or not, because I my self-esteem is taking huge blows. How can I resist this temptation? Am I really ever going to find someone?

I do feel like God is testing me, and I'm trying REALLY hard to keep my focus on Him and praise Him through this. But I wonder how much longer I will have to be single. I have such a strong desire in my heart to get married to the love of my life, and fulfill the role of a godly wife. I want a partner through this crazy life. But I just don't feel hope that I will ever be chosen. I don't want to go back to leading with sex or dating the wrong people...but the temptation is becoming stronger the longer I'm single.

 

[Lost4words]

I understand temptations. Extremely difficult to keep a lid on them!

For you, i would say to put your trust in Jesus. Pray about, talk about, your feelings with Jesus.

Any Christian singles groups you can attend?

 

[Phronema]

My advice would be to not mess around with something like Tinder. There's a lot of filth on those apps, and you're better than that from what I can tell just by reading what you've written.

As a man in search of a godly woman I understand the issues you're facing especially in our secular society today. We're all tempted, but remember 1 John 2:15. Any time you're tempted I'd pray. Think of the Kingdom, and think of the Final Judgement. It tends to help me.

Also, for what it's worth as a man I prefer a woman who doesn't lead with sexuality. There's much more to a woman than that, and any man who says, or thinks otherwise has his head in the wrong place.

Stay true to yourself, and God. I'm sure a good, godly man will come a long, and be quite blessed to have a woman like you in his life.

 

[Sketcher]

I'm a 32 year old single female. I have not had a boyfriend since I was 19. In between, I did date guys here and there and I was - to be honest - promiscuous. I led with my sexuality, and it worked. I got any guy I wanted (but they were not good guys).

Well, around 2 years ago I decided to rededicate my life to Christ. I dress more modestly, am abstinent, and refuse to lead with my sexuality. I've joined several Bibles studies and go to church regularly. I'm meeting lots of people, yet every guy I meet ends up dating another girl in our circle. So, I honestly feel like now that I don't lead with sexuality, I am doomed to be single because this is apparently what guys want (Christian or not).

For instance, at one Bible study, I met a guy who has a lot in common with me and I developed an interest in him. A few weeks later, this new girl showed up to the group and the second I saw her I knew they were going to like each other. She was wearing really short shorts and a tank top. Low and behold, they started showing up to the Bible study together over the next few weeks and are now boyfriend/girlfriend.

At a separate Bible study, I met another guy who I developed interest in. I have tried to get to know him over the past few months and we finally hung out alone recently, which I thought went well (it was not a date, just hanging out). Well recently a girl joined the group and they hit it off instantly. There was obvious physical chemistry between and she definitely gives off a sexual vibe with her body language. So I will not be surprised at all if they start dating within the next few weeks.

So, this is leading me to feel like I'm either ugly or weird (or both), or because I do not exude sexuality, that guys are not interested in me. I am extremely tempted to just get on tinder and find a guy that will go out with me, Christian or not, because I my self-esteem is taking huge blows. How can I resist this temptation? Am I really ever going to find someone?

I do feel like God is testing me, and I'm trying REALLY hard to keep my focus on Him and praise Him through this. But I wonder how much longer I will have to be single. I have such a strong desire in my heart to get married to the love of my life, and fulfill the role of a godly wife. I want a partner through this crazy life. But I just don't feel hope that I will ever be chosen. I don't want to go back to leading with sex or dating the wrong people...but the temptation is becoming stronger the longer I'm single.

Well, think about it - you had that one tool which you used for all of your 20's that you can't use anymore. Of course your confidence is going to take a hit. Besides, you're only two years back in. You've made progress, but you have a lot of growth ahead of you.

If you regress into Tinder and have relationships like you used to, you will be actively working against who you are now, and against what God wants for you. You need to see this for the trap that it is, and despise it.

God has a better life for you than that, whether it is with a man or without. And that better life will include growing in the qualities that would make you a good spouse. Perhaps a man will see that in you - we can detect bad character, so sometimes we can also detect good character. And a man who is looking for a wife will want a wife of good character. Personally, I respect a woman more when she does not lead with her sexuality. I still need to find her attractive of course, but an attractive woman who is dresses and acts modestly is still an attractive woman.

 

[Seekay1008]

I think you pretty much answered your own question when you said, "I have such a strong desire in my heart to get married to the love of my life, and fulfill the role of a godly wife" and " I don't want to go back to leading with sex or dating the wrong people".

Living a Christian life is never easy and it's proven over and over again in the Bible. Literally Jesus Himself was tempted by the Devil.
It's amazing that you've identified your desires and your goals and you need to stick by them. The point of temptation is that it'll always hit you at your weakest points, and it's meant to be difficult. It almost feels like giving into temptation will be what satisfies you, however, the reward once you pass through it is much, much more satisfying.
It's a horrible feeling when you think that there's no one there that wants you, but you need to trust in God that He will provide when His time is right (which might not be according to your plans and your own timeline.) In the mean time, push through these mini trials and come out stronger and better, so that when the time is right and you meet your husband (who will respect you and will uplift you), you can say with pride that you didn't give into temptation when it came.

Don't compare with other people's journeys. The guy who you thought you connected with may not have been the guy that God specifically set aside for you, and in a way, it's good that his attentions got diverted. You may have dodged a bullet lol.
Just trust in God and keep your focus on Him - don't let these temptations side track you.

 

[ACandleInthe Shadows]

What kind of guys are you talking with? Do you think you might be talking to guys who may not be a good fit for you? Are you sure this is the reason they're passing on you? You might want to examine your interactions with them. There's a lot of reasons. On one hand, maybe you're coming on too strong and scaring them off. Or, maybe you are coming off as not interested in them.

That being said, it's good to be aware of peoples' intentions. Watch for signs. Do they seem genuinely interested in getting to know you and build a relationship, or are they just talking to you to pass the time?

 

[bèlla]

Dressing modestly and conducting yourself appropriately doesn’t lessen a woman’s attractiveness or sex appeal. It suggests her unwillingness to hang her hopes on physical qualities that don’t address the bigger ones she’s pursuing.

She is unlikely to garner attention from others seeking to feed carnal needs. Honoring ourselves is an important step in securing the notice of gentlemen who’ll do the same.

Self-respect begets the same from others.

~Bella

 

[Ronit]

My advice would be to not mess around with something like Tinder. There's a lot of filth on those apps, and you're better than that from what I can tell just by reading what you've written.

As a man in search of a godly woman I understand the issues you're facing especially in our secular society today. We're all tempted, but remember 1 John 2:15. Any time you're tempted I'd pray. Think of the Kingdom, and think of the Final Judgement. It tends to help me.

Also, for what it's worth as a man I prefer a woman who doesn't lead with sexuality. There's much more to a woman than that, and any man who says, or thinks otherwise has his head in the wrong place.

Stay true to yourself, and God. I'm sure a good, godly man will come a long, and be quite blessed to have a woman like you in his life.

Amen. I wish more men thought like you Brother.