Christian truther in despair

[Miss Babbit]

Hello I'm new here and would describe myself as a Christian "truther". A truther is a person who doesn't accept the mainstream narrative about news, politics, society etc and goes digging for the "truth" elsewhere.

I have found out a lot of truth in this world and I realise that the world stage is just all lies. I am well aware now that the devil is currently in charge and I also believe that we are soon to be entering the tribulation (my estimate is less than a decade from now)

I am the only person around that feels this way. My partner is not a truther and is a agnostic. My family are lukewarm/ worldly Roman Catholics and most of my friends are atheistic.

It was through digging for the truth that I became a born again Christian back in April this year.
I don't struggle with faith, my faith is solid and it often is the only thing in my life that keeps me going. It is the only truth.

The problem is that I don't want to be in the world anymore. I see through all the lies and the deceit and it makes me ill.
I have had a lot of abuse and bullying in my life and I thought that if I found the truth and faith then I would find peace. Yes I do find peace and comfort in God, Jesus and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit but I just don't want to be here on earth anymore. I want to go to the Father now! There is nothing here for me anymore. Life has no interest for me and being with God is all I want so being on a fallen earth is like torture.

I decided not to celebrate Christmas this year because of its pagan roots but because I was feeling flat anyway I just was depressed the whole time and everyone doing the usual stuff without me made things worse for me.

Recently God has spoken to me. He wants me to walk towards Christ in my life. He wants me to leave the burning and collapsing building that was my old life and walk towards Christ who is on the mountain in front of me. I know that he wants me to walk on air towards Christ. To not look at the burning building behind me and not look down. To trust Jesus with all my might and walk on air. Just as Peter tried to walk on water. (I don't mean literally. I'm not suicidal)

What this is the walk of Faith. I need to put all my trust in Jesus. Trust in Him for everything and not look back like Lot's wife did and not look down like Peter did. Walk in Faith alone towards my Saviour with his arms open to meet me.

I know what I have to do I just need to do it. At the moment I am clinging to the burning an collapsing building as it is all I know. It is what I know for the whole of my life.

Please pray for me as I make the leap of faith.
I am leaving the burning building and walking through the air towards Jesus.

 

[Miss Babbit]

p.s I would just like to add that I am in a vulnerable state right now so please bear that in mind. I'm not good with "just get on with it" tough love mentality. So if you don't feel empathy or compassion for what I wrote then I'd rather you didn't comment. Thank you

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

Relax, one step at a time walk, you've been "DOING" fine this year. Glad to see your progress out of the old, into the new,
putting off the old self, putting on the new self in Christ, as God accomplishes His purpose in your life.

The feelings are common to all , around the world - all believers frequently have feelings of despair, hurt, sorrow, pain, and so on - this is normal.

When God lifts your spirit to ascendancy over the flesh, the joy He gives then is beyond remarkable - and no one and nothing can take it away.

Peace also - through all things, the Peace God Gives in Jesus, along with Salvation , no man can take away .

And of course Righteousness -as written, the Kingdom of God is not food and drink, but Righteousness, Peace and Joy !

Be encouraged in your home today, wherever you be, be full of thankfulness to God for all He has done in your life ! He is Faithful , totally !

 

[Southernscotty]

Hello friend, Only when you let go of that old "self or fleshly way" will you be truly set free and experience what He has for you.
You cannot hold to flesh and spirit because they do not mix. It is Oil vs Water every time.
I will state the old saying "Let go and let God" I know that you will not be sorry :]
I am excited to see you at this point because it means God is about to do something mighty and you will see it is all His unmerited favor :]

 

[dstamps]

OOPS! hit wrong button.

 

[Brian Mcnamee]

Hello I'm new here and would describe myself as a Christian "truther". A truther is a person who doesn't accept the mainstream narrative about news, politics, society etc and goes digging for the "truth" elsewhere.

I have found out a lot of truth in this world and I realise that the world stage is just all lies. I am well aware now that the devil is currently in charge and I also believe that we are soon to be entering the tribulation (my estimate is less than a decade from now)

I am the only person around that feels this way. My partner is not a truther and is a agnostic. My family are lukewarm/ worldly Roman Catholics and most of my friends are atheistic.

It was through digging for the truth that I became a born again Christian back in April this year.
I don't struggle with faith, my faith is solid and it often is the only thing in my life that keeps me going. It is the only truth.

The problem is that I don't want to be in the world anymore. I see through all the lies and the deceit and it makes me ill.
I have had a lot of abuse and bullying in my life and I thought that if I found the truth and faith then I would find peace. Yes I do find peace and comfort in God, Jesus and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit but I just don't want to be here on earth anymore. I want to go to the Father now! There is nothing here for me anymore. Life has no interest for me and being with God is all I want so being on a fallen earth is like torture.

I decided not to celebrate Christmas this year because of its pagan roots but because I was feeling flat anyway I just was depressed the whole time and everyone doing the usual stuff without me made things worse for me.

Recently God has spoken to me. He wants me to walk towards Christ in my life. He wants me to leave the burning and collapsing building that was my old life and walk towards Christ who is on the mountain in front of me. I know that he wants me to walk on air towards Christ. To not look at the burning building behind me and not look down. To trust Jesus with all my might and walk on air. Just as Peter tried to walk on water. (I don't mean literally. I'm not suicidal)

What this is the walk of Faith. I need to put all my trust in Jesus. Trust in Him for everything and not look back like Lot's wife did and not look down like Peter did. Walk in Faith alone towards my Saviour with his arms open to meet me.

I know what I have to do I just need to do it. At the moment I am clinging to the burning an collapsing building as it is all I know. It is what I know for the whole of my life.

Please pray for me as I make the leap of faith.
I am leaving the burning building and walking through the air towards Jesus.

mentally and emotionally we can make great decrees of wanting the LORD and seeking the LORD and surrendering to the LORD . Often this comes with a strong emotional reaction. We then need to go out and try to love out this declared conviction and often run into the hypocrisy that is our sinful nature and we can despair. This is a good thing to know and the LORD is really looking for the heart that continues to seek and when it falls gets up and continues to cry out. He know we will not be freed from this body and perfected until we die and only that which is born of the Spirit is raised. This is our lot in life to mature and grow in knowledge and grace and fellowship with the LORD. we need to set our hearts and our treasures and ambitions on things above. This seeking will bring in the power of the Holy Spirit into your life and although our being are divided with two competing spirits we can feed the one and starve the other. This is the great lesson in life.

As far as truther goes everyone should be seeking the truth in all. I have looked into with great detail many things labeled conspiracy theory and conclude many of them are true or at least the official version is a lie. You are not alone in discovering this and it is a bit frustrating as many who have strong opinions against say 9/11 have never considered the evidence that the official story is bogus. All the deception fits in with the prophetic line where we can expect great lies and no regard for life and morality would be operating openly. I do not have to convince those who don't share my views and in fact many are great brothers and sisters in the LORD. That great line about you can't handle the truth is about holding a normalcy bias where you cannot see what is happening because your world view won't allow it.

Getting good evidence and sharing it rather than debating is a good method of opening up future discussions. My wife used to think I was nuts and now she has been convinced by looking as good journalism rather than editorialism. Here is a short video you might like on a retired US general explaining how he came to deny the official 9/11 report. He was a national security expert and also had a strong bias against ever considering that it was a lie.

 

[Tempura]

About the question "have I completely trusted..." I'd like to answer yes, but then again I can't, because things always come up that I realize I haven't trusted God with them yet. For me it's about continuing to do it, then failing, and then trying again. Going to God, going to Christ, time after time, no matter what's on my heart. It's about perseverance and good kind of dependence, more so than what I, myself, actually do. Most of all this should encourage me to love. Not to run away in despair, not to isolate myself, not to fear, but to have actual peace and learn how to love better, because I was loved first. My family+friend relations have gotten better too.

I'm not even sure why I said that, but I felt like I wanted to. And I'm not even sure what you're talking about with your leap of faith. You said you were in despair, and that you're about to do something, but you also said you're not suicidal, so it's about something else "big". I hope you're not doing anything out of despair or fear. I say this, because I've been a "truther" as well. I sometimes go back to that stuff, but I always snap out, because no matter what I think and I do, that stuff will bring out the fear in me. So I avoid it. If something comes my way, I'll deal with it, but I don't want to get myself worked up, not even when things aren't what they seem - I know they aren't, there's plenty of all kinds of evil horrific plans and secrets out there, but God is God. Nothing gets by Him. In a way, this is me trusting God to eventually take care of everything. I'm not trying to say that truth isn't important, not at all. We should live truthfully at all times. I'm merely talking about that certain desperation that comes out of "me vs. all of them" mentality, that I've personally experienced (please don't feel like I'm trying to insult you with this, that is not the case, I'm just remembering how my life used to be).

Take your time. You're still a new believer. Faith is something that will grow in you, as will your wisdom and patience. But I do understand that I'm only working with my assumptions, and I don't know your life. I said a prayer for you, for guidance, peace and love to come your way. God bless.

 

[Roidecoeur78]

p.s I would just like to add that I am in a vulnerable state right now so please bear that in mind. I'm not good with "just get on with it" tough love mentality. So if you don't feel empathy or compassion for what I wrote then I'd rather you didn't comment. Thank you

"But if I go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. So what shall I choose? I do not know. 23I am torn between the two. I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is far better indeed. 24But it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body"Philippians 1:22-24

It can't be that you are the only one to feel this way, because Paul did and because I do as well. So no doubt there are many others, which means you are not alone in this position, even though it may seem so. I've tried to explain to others about the paganism and self-worship that the holidays have been derived from and are still practiced as today, and I am looked at as if I am bonkers(especially by my own family). That even though the Holy book they all say they believe says not to lie, they make up a lie "just for fun" to tell their children about how all the material gifts get under the tree. When I try to explain to my own mother that, in the parable of Lazarus and Dives, the only things that landed Dives in hell were living for his own wealth and comfort while ignoring the plight of others, she tells me I can just "suck the joy out of everything". When I tell her Jesus said living for this world and loving only her friends and family does not receive any reward, for even the pagans do that, she says "I don't believe that". It doesn't make sense to her, because the American way is all about living for just those reasons that Dives did. I'm just an alien to this world, and yet I know I would not be submitting to the Lord's plan if I thought first about getting what I want by leaving it of my own choice. In fact, only recently have I been shown how much I hadn't turned away from getting what I wanted, that my walk hadn't been nearly long enough or in accordance with Jesus' example. So only now am I really seeking repentance and to serve and please God wholeheartedly, after much lukewarmness and compromise with the world.

It is my prayer that you be given and receive the strength, patience, courage, and wisdom, to endure any and all trials and temptations that would keep you from reaching the goal. The race is a marathon not a sprint. "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world" James 1:27

 

[chevyontheriver]

My family are lukewarm/ worldly Roman Catholics ....

Sorry that they couldn't give you better. Lukewarm and worldly isn't worth a thing.

 

[dstamps]

Hello I'm new here and would describe myself as a Christian "truther". A truther is a person who doesn't accept the mainstream narrative about news, politics, society etc and goes digging for the "truth" elsewhere.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Recently God has spoken to me. He wants me to walk towards Christ in my life. He wants me to leave the burning and collapsing building that was my old life and walk towards Christ who is on the mountain in front of me. I know that he wants me to walk on air towards Christ. To not look at the burning building behind me and not look down. To trust Jesus with all my might and walk on air. Just as Peter tried to walk on water. (I don't mean literally. I'm not suicidal)

What this is the walk of Faith. I need to put all my trust in Jesus. Trust in Him for everything and not look back like Lot's wife did and not look down like Peter did. Walk in Faith alone towards my Saviour with his arms open to meet me.

I know what I have to do I just need to do it. At the moment I am clinging to the burning an collapsing building as it is all I know. It is what I know for the whole of my life.

Please pray for me as I make the leap of faith.
I am leaving the burning building and walking through the air towards Jesus.

As you, I also see a very sick world; but I am very unlikely to know how it is to walk in your shoes. All I can do is tell you how I view the situation and hope that in someway you are encouraged in one or more ways. Therefore, I will pass on some thoughts to consider.
1. GOD is the Source of all Life. Therefore, everyone--good or bad--has GOD's spark of life in them. This includes myself. Therefore, I strive to cherish the life GOD has given me and all others. If I am here, then HE knows that this is where I need to be in order to become the person HE created me to be. HE will decide when I leave.
2. We have compassion for those physically sick; but there are also spiritual sicknesses. That is what I see that troubles me so much; but they are sicknesses. Therefore, my response should be compassion--not disgust. Compassion is a component of Love. Disgust is a component of emotional hate. I believe Christ only expresses the former--not the latter. As hard as it is at times, I will strive to express the former.
3. Gold can only be purified with high heat--not at room temperature. So it is with spiritual life. There are many life situations we must experience to rid ourselves of the influence of the "prince of this world". Most of those life situations will not be easy (at room temperature). Instead, they are likely to be very difficult (high heat) in order to purify our heart.
4. We become what we love whether we are aware of it our not. Anytime we attach the wrong emotion to any life situation, the wrong life grows in us. Therefore, GOD gave us intellect; so that we can keep from attaching emotion to what belongs to the "prince of this world". We should learn to view all that belongs to the "prince of this world" intellectually--void of emotion. We should only attach emotion to what belongs to Christ. This way of responding to this world is very difficult because of all the examples of the wrong way around us. As we grow in Christ, though, it will become easier. John 14:30

I hope that in someway you will be encouraged to continue a difficult journey.

 

[bekkilyn]

It sounds like you really don't know why God put you here on this earth and that in itself may be a source of depression. I suggest reading Rick Warren's "A Purpose Driven Life" which can give you some ideas to get over the hump. Also, I would suggest finding a good counselor to help you work through some of these things. You'll end up getting all sorts of weird advice from the internet and more professional help may serve you better and help you better assess whether some of what you are experiencing may have some physical causes as well as spiritual.

(For example, if you have a Vitamin D deficiency, it can cause all sorts of issues that affect both body and mind.)

Also, make sure to continue to pray and seek Christ in all things. He never promised us things would be easy on this fallen world, but he did promise to always be with us through any trial.

 

[com7fy8]

Hello I'm new here and would describe myself as a Christian "truther". A truther is a person who doesn't accept the mainstream narrative about news, politics, society etc and goes digging for the "truth" elsewhere.

But non-mainstream reporting can be incorrect, and unless you yourself are a legal witness or know someone personally so you know that person is a reliable eyewitness . . . we are not God to know who is telling us the truth about things in this world.

Ones can be picking and choosing who they decide is reliable, going to Internet sources of people they don't even know; but because those unknowns say certain things we want to hear, we assume everything they say must be truth. And we can have different motives for doing our cherry picking.

Have you read Joshua chapter nine? This includes how the leaders of the Jews evaluated evidence that was obvious but which had been rigged to look that way, by people from a neighboring country. They did not make sure with God, Himself.

So, is your truthing dependent first on prayer and making sure with God, or are you picking and choosing who you assume, without eye-witnessing, is a reliable source??

A real issue for me is if I am honest enough to communicate effectively and reliably with God. Or, am I busy with pointing my finger elsewhere, so I am not noticing how I myself need real correction?

Also, we need to be prayerful about where God is guiding our attention. Yes, there are Satan's conspiracies in this world. But one of the devil's conspiracies is to keep our attention busy with hunting for conspiracies > this keeps our attention away from personally submitting to God and how He guides us > in His peace >

"And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful." (Colossians 3:15)

 

[Miss Babbit]

Thank you all so very much for your swift and caring responses! I really really appreciate it thank you!
I have been in bed all day today. Yesterday I had a breaking point were I felt that I just couldn't take it anymore. I started crying and sobbing and shaking and thought I was having a breakdown. My poor boyfriend was beside himself with worry and fear.

I guess I decided to give up Christmas at a time where I am a baby Christian so I don't have the spiritual strength and reserve yet to follow through. I'm also at a time were I am having an identity crisis of sorts, haven't worked for a good while as I was bullied out of my last job (I have been bullied a lot)

Maybe I am trying to walk the walk too fast? I do suffer from impatience.
Before I became born again, I was chasing a lot of self help and therapy because of all the abuse I have had over the years.
I guess now the big thing that I have to do is trust Jesus with everything and that's the leap of faith I have to do. Everyday I have to ask God to guide me and whenever I feel anger or sad or whatever I feel, I must give it up to Jesus and carry on.
I know that I can't be in body and spirit, that is why I am in pain. I have spent years learning how to defend myself against abusers and abuse and have trained myself to be hypervigilant to protect myself as a sufferer of Complex PTSD because of childhood neglect and a father with a untreated personality disorder that sometimes looks like demon possession.

For me it is like being shot at all your life and then after finally finding ways of ducking and diving the bullets, Jesus is asking me to walk right through the path of all the bullets and that not one bullet will hit me. That is the faith walk Jesus is asking of me. He is asking me to walk into the lions' den. He is asking me to walk into the line of fire. He is asking me to step off the burning building and walk across to him in the air.

After years of learning tricks and methods to protect myself from abuse, Jesus is asking me to put down my weapons and my own shield and walk through the bullets because He is my shield and my sword and my comforter.

I know this, I do know this but I am afraid of being abused again. Fear of abuse is holding me back in my faithwalk. I know that Jesus will protect me and I trust him and yet am afraid. I guess you will think that my faith is not strong enough to walk forward.
I have lived in fear for a very long time.

 

[com7fy8]

I want to go to the Father now! There is nothing here for me anymore. Life has no interest for me and being with God is all I want so being on a fallen earth is like torture.

"But if I go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. So what shall I choose? I do not know. 23I am torn between the two. I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is far better indeed. 24But it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body"Philippians 1:22-24

It can't be that you are the only one to feel this way, because Paul did and because I do as well. So no doubt there are many others, which means you are not alone in this position, even though it may seem so.

Thank you, Roidecoeur Welcome to Christian Forums

Part of Satan's conspiracy to get people worrying about conspiracies is so we feel isolated, don't know who to trust, and so we feel like we are on our own.

God is trustworthy, and He is able to guide us to trust whomever He trusts, and trust the way He wants us to trust each person.

 

[Miss Babbit]

I want to add about being a truther. I am a sensitive creative sort who is very thin skinned. I am what people call a highly sensitive person or an empath, someone who is easily overwhelmed by stimuli but also very appreciative of little things. The exact opposite of an adrenalin junky.
Apparently empaths or people who have suffered abuse at some point often become truthers or conspiracy theorists.
I guess that when you've experienced a lot of lies and deceit and instability in your upbringing/ life then a person craves the truth like nothing else.
As a teenager I realised to protect myself from abuse I had to create a defence for myself (I didn't have faith then) I created a personality out of thin air. This "personality" led to a destructive and sinful life.
I have turned my back on this now and the fake me has fallen away. The real me was never developed from childhood so I have this stunted child personality left. I know that Jesus will give me my identity but again this goes back to the faithwalk.

I did become obsessed with conspiracy theories they become like a drug. The irony is though that you get overwhelmed by many little lies instead of one huge public lie instead. It's not that the truth can't be found but how would you know when you find it?
The truth's that I know are real is that the Bible is truth and God is truth.

I guess what shocked me is that there is even deceit within the church! False teachers and false doctrines!

It IS enough to make you paranoid.

What pushed me over the edge last night was a website called Jesus words only and this website not only denied the Apostle Paul but called him the antichrist!!!

I thought becoming a Christian would make me feel safe and protected. I never expected persecution and deceit and lies from fellow Christians!! People trying to get me to do the Seventh day thing or Hebrew/Torah roots Christianity!
I did not expect Christianity to be such a minefield for a baby Christian! It has really shocked me to my core!

It has made me realise that tribulation isn't far off now when there is so much division within Christianity itself. It's become a disgusting turf war.
I am non-denominational as I simply don't trust any churches. There are no home churches near me to fellowship with so I stick with fellowshipping with a theologian who lives at the opposite side of the world to me and also sometimes fellowship with a missionary charity I volunteer with. The loneliness of it all sometimes gets the better of me!

 

[Tolworth John]

Recently God has spoken to me. He wants me to walk towards Christ in my life. He wants me to leave the burning and collapsing building that was my old life and walk towards Christ who is on the mountain in front of me.

That is a lot of big dramatic pictures.
For most people all God wants, at least to start with, is there whole heart repentance and acceptance of Jesus.

Once you've done that find a church that seeks to preach and live out the gospel. They will help you to live for Jesus.

 

[Tempura]

Maybe I am trying to walk the walk too fast? I do suffer from impatience.
Before I became born again, I was chasing a lot of self help and therapy because of all the abuse I have had over the years.
I guess now the big thing that I have to do is trust Jesus with everything and that's the leap of faith I have to do. Everyday I have to ask God to guide me and whenever I feel anger or sad or whatever I feel, I must give it up to Jesus and carry on.

I have been to therapy for many years. I don't go anymore, but I did it for a long time, on/off. The thing is, if the therapist is good, and if there's something truthful and helpful going on, it can help you. Not only did I need to understand my own tunnel-vision and weird handling of my issues, and how I thought what applies to me never applies to anyone else ever, but I also needed the assurance that my emotions don't have to be everything. We must feel our emotions, but we don't always have to obey them. We can observe how they work, if we manage to "step out" every once in a while, and just observe our mind and feelings as if it's a machine. So if something helps you to see clearer, there's no reason to let go of it. In the end, everything good and truthful will help us in our way, and we can glorify God for/with it.

Patience is a funny thing. Here in finnish language we have a really good word for it. Kärsivällisyys. The word is based on "kärsiä", which is "to suffer". I think there's some weird truth in it. When we suffer, we don't feel patient. We feel the exact opposite. But nevermind that feeling, because suffering makes us patient. In fact, the longer we live, the more we will have patience, if we want for it. It can't be helped, the patience within us is always growing. With every struggle, if we just choose to have hope no matter how hard it feels, we get stronger. It's absolutely amazing and comforting. I think everyone already knows this, but it's a hard thing to embrace, to actually believe it, because we'd rather believe our feelings when we're weak and suffering. But God knows it, He knows how confused and hopeless we can be. Which is why He welcomes us and will gladly ease our burdens, one at a time, resulting in us "taking that trip" again and again. It might start with weeping and confusion, because we don't really know how to trust it yet, but the more we go to Him, the more there will be peace and joy. And we can breathe, we can be free. We will love one another, not out of fearful obligation, but out of a happy, relieved heart.

It's a wonderful thing how we can just believe. Even if our faith is weak. We'll be given more. You said: "I guess you will think that my faith is not strong enough to walk forward", no we won't. Nobody started as a saint, and nobody is perfect except Christ. We've all had our troubles and tribulations, and if someone says they haven't had any, then it's yet to come. We can take comfort by the fact that we can comfort each other. It's a beautiful thing.

One day at a time, sister. No fear! God bless you.

 

[Miss Babbit]

I'm sorry to unburden all this onto you.

It feels good to talk with fellow Christians though.

If it was just the world that was fallen that would be one thing but fallen-ness within the church itself..I was not prepared for.

I didn't pursue God because Catholic hypocrisy and ritual put me off. I was foolish to think that you couldn't have Jesus without Catholicism.

Now I am born again I am shocked to find again so much division within the walls of Christianity. I expected persecution and derision from people outside the faith but never from within it.

It really has rocked my faith, it really has. Maybe all men really are liars and only God is true.

 

[com7fy8]

I have spent years learning how to defend myself against abusers and abuse and have trained myself to be hypervigilant to protect myself as a sufferer of Complex PTSD because of childhood neglect and a father with a untreated personality disorder that sometimes looks like demon possession.

While I have been attacked with imagined people messing with me in my mind, it has come to me how I need to not first be busy with how to defend myself against them, but first simply submit to God and trust Him to take care of people who are a problem for me.

"Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you." (James 4:7)

So, first our attention needs to be to God and how God has us be submissive to Him, then discover how He takes care of things.

"rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God." (1 Peter 3:4)

 

[Roidecoeur78]

I thought becoming a Christian would make me feel safe and protected. I never expected persecution and deceit and lies from fellow Christians!! People trying to get me to do the Seventh day thing or Hebrew/Torah roots Christianity!
I did not expect Christianity to be such a minefield for a baby Christian! It has really shocked me to my core!
I am non-denominational as I simply don't trust any churches. There are no home churches near me to fellowship with so I stick with fellowshipping with a theologian who lives at the opposite side of the world to me and also sometimes fellowship with a missionary charity I volunteer with. The loneliness of it all sometimes gets the better of me!

Actually, it's been my experience that trials and temptations only amplified after Christ made himself known to me, at least until I knew to start resisting them with some amount of fortitude. It was literally attacks and ambushes, and I did not escape stumbling into them all, but a way through and out of them is promised.

I recently PMed another member about just this sort of thing and what you describe as "distrust of churches" as more along the lines of distrusting human nature, in which there is a lot to distrust. Here is an excerpt of that:
"I often wait to respond now, especially in correspondence, so that my replies aren't so impulsive as used to be. I've said many a thing without thought and this has been one of my many failures in the past. Your exhortations are appreciated, the scriptures are true no matter how any of us may interpret them, and they are filled with hope for those that are given the will and ability to repent(turn from sin and back to God).

I try to still share the word, but often think my understanding of it, much like that of everyone else, is entirely based on my own experience. And so all the different denominations and freelance believers out there take scripture to mean what they want it to mean, it often does not translate to an unbiased understanding of it. Certainly, there is much in there that many will hope is not true and will even make mental constructs and rationalizations around having to acknowledge. Not to mention just the spiritual things spoken of in parable, that many apply directly to earthly applications. One of my former employers says the parable about the talents, and to those that have being given more and those with less even what they have being taken away, is all about actual currency and wealth (and his belief likely has to do with him having "made himself" into a successful businessman and eventually a property owning millionaire). While my step-dad more or less says the Old Testament was when God was mad at us, but the New Testament means He's not anymore. And that as long as he goes to church occasionally and believes, even though he doesn't read the bible much or really do saintly things, he'll end up in heaven, but only as a plumber or something humble like that (He's a retired plumber)."