- Aug 4, 2003
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This is by Harmony Dust. She is one of us.
Chasing other Lovers
I believe that one of the deepest desires of the human heart is for true intimacy. To be fully known and fully loved. Yet in my own life, for so many years, it seemed that the harder I chased after love, the more it eluded me.
My memoir, Scars and Stilettos, tells my story. Growing up, I never had a clear picture of what healthy love looked like. Abandoned by my father before I was a year old, sexually abused at the hands of multiple peoplemy picture of intimacy was completely skewed. I was so desperate for anything that resembled love, at the young age of 14, I slept with the first boy who came along and told me he loved me. He broke up with me soon after and raped me repeatedly over the course of the next year. Filled with hurt and shame, I remember thinking, Is this what love looks like? Surely love cant hurt so bad?
The next relationship I became involved in quickly became emotionally and physically abusive. Still I stayed. Because to him who is hungry, even what is bitter tastes sweet (Proverbs 27:7). Although the relationship was bitter and painful, I preferred it to the alternativebeing alone.
It was that relationship that led me into a world of selling myself in strip clubs. So desperate to keep my boyfriend from leaving me, I attempted to buy his love with the money I earned while dancing for other men. Once again, my skewed view of love brought me pain. For the next few years, I lay awake at night hoping, praying even, that if I tried hard enough, if I chased him long enough, he would love me one day.
How could I know what True Love looks like if I had never experienced it? It wasnt until I began my relationship with God that I began to that it is patient. It is kind. It is not easily angered. True Love always protects.
It is no wonder that we crave intimacy so deeply. We were created for relationship. In Genesis, we learn that it was Eves eating of the forbidden fruit that brings separation between God and humanity, separation from our perfect intimacy with God. Eve has access to everything she would ever need to fill the longings and desires of her heart, yet she still chooses forbidden fruit. How often do we fall to the same temptation and create fracture in our relationship with God? How often do we try to fill legitimate needs in illegitimate ways?
For years, I chased after men, looking to them to fill me. Nowadays, I tend to turn to chocolate. Just last week I was having a frustrating day and the first thing I did was grab a piece of my favorite, dark organic chocolate. The chocolate was delicious, but it did nothing to ease my pain. My prescription was insufficient.
The real trouble comes when our prescriptions become our addictions. Its when that piece of chocolate leads to binge eating, leads to obesity and compromised health. Its when social drinking becomes I-just-need-a-glass-of-wine-to-take-the-edge-off, becomes excessive drinking, becomes alcoholism. Its when a full social calendar becomes a lifestyle so bogged down with running from one appointment to another that we barely have a moment to catch our breath. Our prescriptions for our pain can become our addictions.
Ultimately, it is these insufficient prescriptions and addictions that stand in the way of the one thing that can truly satisfyan authentic, unhindered relationship with our Creator. I believe that God is calling each of us to surrender the fragmented pieces of ourselves so we can experience true intimacy and love.
God is wooing you and I hoping that we will give up our other loverswhether they be man, woman, food, money, sex, busyness, beauty or something else. He knows the hollow end of those affairs. He knows that none of it will fill you like He can. The deepest longings of our hearts can only be truly satisfied by being fully known and fully loved by Him. There is no substitutethere is no fillerthere is no other lover worth chasing.
Love, Harmony
PS. You can order my new memoir, Scars and Stilettos at Treasures
Chasing other Lovers
I believe that one of the deepest desires of the human heart is for true intimacy. To be fully known and fully loved. Yet in my own life, for so many years, it seemed that the harder I chased after love, the more it eluded me.
My memoir, Scars and Stilettos, tells my story. Growing up, I never had a clear picture of what healthy love looked like. Abandoned by my father before I was a year old, sexually abused at the hands of multiple peoplemy picture of intimacy was completely skewed. I was so desperate for anything that resembled love, at the young age of 14, I slept with the first boy who came along and told me he loved me. He broke up with me soon after and raped me repeatedly over the course of the next year. Filled with hurt and shame, I remember thinking, Is this what love looks like? Surely love cant hurt so bad?
The next relationship I became involved in quickly became emotionally and physically abusive. Still I stayed. Because to him who is hungry, even what is bitter tastes sweet (Proverbs 27:7). Although the relationship was bitter and painful, I preferred it to the alternativebeing alone.
It was that relationship that led me into a world of selling myself in strip clubs. So desperate to keep my boyfriend from leaving me, I attempted to buy his love with the money I earned while dancing for other men. Once again, my skewed view of love brought me pain. For the next few years, I lay awake at night hoping, praying even, that if I tried hard enough, if I chased him long enough, he would love me one day.
How could I know what True Love looks like if I had never experienced it? It wasnt until I began my relationship with God that I began to that it is patient. It is kind. It is not easily angered. True Love always protects.
It is no wonder that we crave intimacy so deeply. We were created for relationship. In Genesis, we learn that it was Eves eating of the forbidden fruit that brings separation between God and humanity, separation from our perfect intimacy with God. Eve has access to everything she would ever need to fill the longings and desires of her heart, yet she still chooses forbidden fruit. How often do we fall to the same temptation and create fracture in our relationship with God? How often do we try to fill legitimate needs in illegitimate ways?
For years, I chased after men, looking to them to fill me. Nowadays, I tend to turn to chocolate. Just last week I was having a frustrating day and the first thing I did was grab a piece of my favorite, dark organic chocolate. The chocolate was delicious, but it did nothing to ease my pain. My prescription was insufficient.
The real trouble comes when our prescriptions become our addictions. Its when that piece of chocolate leads to binge eating, leads to obesity and compromised health. Its when social drinking becomes I-just-need-a-glass-of-wine-to-take-the-edge-off, becomes excessive drinking, becomes alcoholism. Its when a full social calendar becomes a lifestyle so bogged down with running from one appointment to another that we barely have a moment to catch our breath. Our prescriptions for our pain can become our addictions.
Ultimately, it is these insufficient prescriptions and addictions that stand in the way of the one thing that can truly satisfyan authentic, unhindered relationship with our Creator. I believe that God is calling each of us to surrender the fragmented pieces of ourselves so we can experience true intimacy and love.
God is wooing you and I hoping that we will give up our other loverswhether they be man, woman, food, money, sex, busyness, beauty or something else. He knows the hollow end of those affairs. He knows that none of it will fill you like He can. The deepest longings of our hearts can only be truly satisfied by being fully known and fully loved by Him. There is no substitutethere is no fillerthere is no other lover worth chasing.
Love, Harmony
PS. You can order my new memoir, Scars and Stilettos at Treasures
