Bpd Tools

[Theresasjourney]

The Five Steps
A cognitive approach to regaining control of our lives.




What are they?

This simple coping technique can save lives and has been shown to be a highly effective form of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). Please keep in mind that simply knowing what the Five Steps are doesn't mean that your life will change overnight.

• Putting the Five Steps to practical use on a daily basis will take time and practice.
• Don't get upset if you don't or can't master them right away.
• Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again the next time!

One of the most effective ways to learn to incorporate the Five Steps into your list of coping skills is to work the steps in hindsight or retrospectively.


By this, I mean that it's totally understandable that after years - even decades - of learned and practiced Borderline behavior cannot simply be stopped dead in its tracks by sheer desire. There are years of behaviors to undo first.

Working the steps retrospectively means you examine a situation that has already occurred and use the Five Step process as if you were still in the situation.

1. Stop / HALT
   Just stop and breathe for a moment. Are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? The HALT feelings are physically-based and only temporary. Remember that!
2. Determine what the problem is
   Sure there can be (and usually ARE) more than just *one* problem but even still, write the problem(s) down on a piece of paper.
3. Come up with THREE possible courses of action
   Start with one of your problems and come up with three (and only three - not a hundred, not just one) possible things you could do.
4. Figure out which one is best for now
   You don't have to make a lifelong commitment right now and if things don't work out quite the way you'd hoped they would, you can work the steps again and again and again - just like everyone else does!
5. DO IT!
   I say that assuming you haven't chosen suicide. Obviously, that's the ultimate final solution (assuming you'd succeed). Nothing will happen to change the situation/problem until you actually DO something, no matter how small. A change in your situation, outlook, etc. requires a change from within yourself. In order for that internal change to have effect on the outside, tangible world, you must take action to implement that change.

A Practical Approach


Instead of trying to implement the steps up-front, pick a recent situation where you recognize that you acted quite Borderline. Then apply the Five Steps. Start at the beginning and check the HALT. Working all the way through the steps shows your conscious and subconscious mind that there are other ways to cope with stressful situations. It is this preparation that gears us up for implementing the Five Steps in real-time scenarios.

 

[Theresasjourney]

The Four Agreements
Based on the teachings of don Miguel Ruiz,(and/or) based on the book The Four Agreements © 1997, don Miguel Ruiz, Amber-Allen Publishing, Inc. P.O. Box 6657, San Rafael, CA 94903




In the world of Borderline, it is very easy to take everything personally and make assumptions. Some days, we might feel like giving up and/or lashing out. By introducing The Four Agreements into your life and striving to incorporate them into your routine, you can make remarkable strides in the interpersonal relationships in your life.




BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.


DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.


ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.




HOW DO THEY APPLY?


The tenets set forth in Don Miquel Ruiz's book (available at the BPDR book store) are not secrets that everyone without BPD already knows about. They are truths and wisdoms to help all people discover the joy and serenity that is already surrounding us. If we are patient and still and can learn to apply the Four Agreements to our daily lives on a regular basis, we will indeed live healthier, happier lives.


Simply reading about these Agreements on this page may not be enough. The old saying of "practice makes perfect" is really true when it comes to living the Agreements.

​

 

[Theresasjourney]

The Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking
From "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David D. Burns, M.D. © 1989




As you work through your recovery and become more skilled at using The Four Agreements and The Five Steps, you will find yourself becoming more aware of twisted thinking as part of your Borderline view of the world around you. These guidelines of twisted thinking from Dr. David Burns are invaluable to help you as your proceed on your journey of healthy, happy living.



1. All-or-nothing thinking - You see things in black-or-white categories. If a situation falls short of perfect, you see it as a total failure. When a young woman on a diet ate a spoonful of ice cream, she told herself, "I've blown my diet completely." This thought upset her so much that she gobbled down an entire quart of ice cream.

2. Overgeneralization - You see a single negative event, such as a romantic rejection or a career reversal, as a never-ending pattern of defeat by using words such as "always" or "never" when you think about it. A depressed salesman became terribly upset when he noticed bird dung on the window of his car. He told himself, "Just my luck! Birds are always crapping on my car!"

3. Mental Filter - You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that your vision of reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors a beaker of water. Example: You receive many positive comments about your presentation to a group of associates at work, but one of them says something mildly critical. You obsess about his reaction for days and ignore all the positive feedback.

4. Discounting the positive - You reject positive experiences by insisting that they "don't count." If you do a good job, you may tell yourself that it wasn't good enough or that anyone could have done as well. Discounting the positives takes the joy out of life and makes you feel inadequate and unrewarded.

5. Jumping to conclusions - You interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support your conclusion.

Mind Reading : Without checking it out, you arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you.

Fortune-telling : You predict that things will turn out badly. Before a test you may tell yourself, "I'm really going to blow it. What if I flunk?" If you're depressed you may tell yourself, "I'll never get better."

6. Magnification - You exaggerate the importance of your problems and shortcomings, or you minimize the importance of your desirable qualities. This is also called the "binocular trick."

7. Emotional Reasoning - You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel terrified about going on airplanes. It must be very dangerous to fly." Or, "I feel guilty. I must be a rotten person." Or, "I feel angry. This proves that I'm being treated unfairly." Or, "I feel so inferior. This means I'm a second rate person." Or, "I feel hopeless. I must really be hopeless."

8. "Should" statements - You tell yourself that things should be the way you hoped or expected them to be. After playing a difficult piece on the piano, a gifted pianist told herself, "I shouldn't have made so many mistakes." This made her feel so disgusted that she quit practicing for several days. "Musts," "oughts" and "have tos" are similar offenders.

"Should statements" that are directed against yourself lead to guilt and frustration. Should statements that are directed against other people or the world in general, lead to anger and frustration: "He shouldn't be so stubborn and argumentative!"

Many people try to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn'ts, as if they were delinquents who had to be punished before they could be expected to do anything. "I shouldn't eat that doughnut." This usually doesn't work because all these shoulds and musts make you feel rebellious and you get the urge to do just the opposite. Dr. Albert Ellis has called this " must erbation." I call it the "shouldy" approach to life.

9. Labeling - Labeling is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking. Instead of saying "I made a mistake," you attach a negative label to yourself: "I'm a loser." You might also label yourself "a fool" or "a failure" or "a jerk." Labeling is quite irrational because you are not the same as what you do. Human beings exist, but "fools," "losers" and "jerks" do not. These labels are just useless abstractions that lead to anger, anxiety, frustration and low self-esteem.

You may also label others. When someone does something that rubs you the wrong way, you may tell yourself: "He's an S.O.B." Then you feel that the problem is with that person's "character" or "essence" instead of with their thinking or behavior. You see them as totally bad. This makes you feel hostile and hopeless about improving things and leaves very little room for constructive communication.

10. Personalization and Blame - Personalization comes when you hold yourself personally responsible for an event that isn't entirely under your control. When a woman received a note that her child was having difficulty in school, she told herself, "This shows what a bad mother I am," instead of trying to pinpoint the cause of the problem so that she could be helpful to her child. When another woman's husband beat her, she told herself, "If only I was better in bed, he wouldn't beat me." Personalization leads to guilt, shame and feelings of inadequacy.

Some people do the opposite. They blame other people or their circumstances for their problems, and they overlook ways they might be contributing to the problem: "The reason my marriage is so lousy is because my spouse is totally unreasonable." Blame usually doesn't work very well because other people will resent being scapegoated and they will just toss the blame right back in your lap. It's like the game of hot potato--no one wants to get stuck with it.

 

[Theresasjourney]

Ten Ways to Untwist Your Thinking
From "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David D. Burns, M.D. © 1989



Now that you've identified your twisted thinking, use the suggestions of Dr. David Burns to help you untwist those thoughts.

1. Identify The Distortion: Write down your negative thoughts so you can see which of the ten cognitive distortions you're involved in. This will make it easier to think about the problem in a more positive and realistic way.

2. Examine The Evidence: Instead of assuming that your negative thought is true, examine the actual evidence for it. For example, if you feel that you never do anything right, you could list several things you have done successfully.

3. The Double-Standard Method: Instead of putting yourself down in a harsh, condemning way, talk to yourself in the same compassionate way you would talk to a friend with a similar problem.

4. The Experimental Technique: Do an experiment to test the validity of your negative thought. For example, if during an episode of panic, you become terrified that you're about to die of a heart attack, you could jog or run up and down several flights of stairs. This will prove that your heart is healthy and strong.

5. Thinking In Shades Of Grey: Although this method may sound drab, the effects can be illuminating. Instead of thinking about your problems in all-or-nothing extremes, evaluate things on a scale of 0 to 100. When things don't work out as well as you hoped, think about the experience as a partial success rather than a complete failure. See what you can learn from the situation.

6. The Survey Method: Ask people questions to find out if your thoughts and attitudes are realistic. For example, if you feel that public speaking anxiety is abnormal and shameful, ask several friends if they ever felt nervous before they gave a talk.

7. Define Terms: When you label yourself 'inferior' or 'a fool' or 'a loser,' ask, "What is the definition of 'a fool'?" You will feel better when you realize that there is no such thing as 'a fool' or 'a loser.'

8. The Semantic Method: Simply substitute language that is less colorful and emotionally loaded. This method is helpful for 'should statements.' Instead of telling yourself, "I shouldn't have made that mistake," you can say, "It would be better if I hadn't made that mistake."

9. Re-attribution: Instead of automatically assuming that you are "bad" and blaming yourself entirely for a problem, think about the many factors that may have contributed to it. Focus on solving the problem instead of using up all your energy blaming yourself and feeling guilty.

10. Cost-Benefit Analysis: List the advantages and disadvantages of a feeling (like getting angry when your plane is late), a negative thought (like "No matter how hard I try, I always screw up"), or a behavior pattern (like overeating and lying around in bed when you're depressed). You can also use the cost benefit analysis to modify a self-defeating belief such as, "I must always try to be perfect."

You'll notice that these ways to untwist your thinking are solidly based in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT). This makes them a perfect reference point for your Five Step work!

 

[Theresasjourney]

Feeling Suicidal?
You're not alone!




This is not the end, but a beginning!


The people at BPDRecovery.com are, for the most part, individuals such as yourself struggling with their own recovery from Borderline. There are no therapists or counselors on-staff. No one at BPDRecovery.com is licensed or qualified to provide you with professional help.

Unlike quite a few boards on the internet, BPDRecovery.com does not ban sensitive topics of discussion, including suicide. We believe it is important for you to get in touch with the feelings that are overwhelming you. We believe it is important for you to discuss those feelings. If you do not have a therapist, a support network in real life, are afraid to contact a suicide or crisis hotline, we do encourage you to explore your feelings in the safe environment that BPDRecovery.com is pleased and proud to provide.

Please keep in mind that, since BPDRecovery.com is a community support group and its members are also working to overcome their own BPD issues, some people may not be inclined to respond or interact in threads concerning suicidal feelings. It is not your fault; it is not their fault. Please don't take an individual's lack of participation as a personal insult. They are entitled to cope with their own feelings in response to sharing in your painful words posted on the board.






We do care about you.

Feelings are temporary - this too shall pass.

 

[Theresasjourney]

The Rules of Engagement
Play fair ... for yourself and others.

Part of supporting others is necessarily being willing to call them on their "stuff." That's not to say we should go sniffing it out like a hound-dog, mind you, nor to only do this, but to be willing to do it and at least explore what jumps out at you.​

Doing so is uncomfortable and it is imperative practice for us to learn to confront difficult things without disproportionate, personalizing anger without 'walking on eggshells. Many of us wouldn't be in quite the place we are now or have been in the past if we had a more balanced skill-set for dealing with conflict. This is a really good place to get better at it.​

The "rules" below are questions we ask that you keep in mind before "calling" someone on their "stuff." They are not hard-and-fast requirements but they should be incorporated into the general code of conduct at the board, and ideally, in life.​

Am I doing this only because of my feelings?​

• "I don't like this person"​
• "This community doesn't feel the same to me anymore."​
• "That idea or statement reminds me of someone who hurt me before."​

This is not a good enough reason to speak up. Your problem with their stuff is your problem and you would be better served to spend a lot of time and then a lot more time thinking about why you allow this to get to you.​

Do I care about this person/these people?​

By this we mean either "knowing" that person individually as someone you have shared much with and care about their welfare OR simply feeling a strong sense of helping the group you care about avoid a dangerous pitfall.​

If your answer is no, if your primary feeling is irritation rather than concern, you're not the one to get into it. Let someone else speak up ... someone who won't let their own feelings get in the way of communicating effectively.​

Am I willing to stay with the dialogue regardless of the difficulty of it?​

Hit-and-run is not effective communication. If we say something challenging, we need to be willing to accept the challenges that come right back to us and dignify the people we're talking to with the respect of dialogue.​

Am I in a frame of mind to be conscious of how my words will be heard?​

Of course we cannot take responsibility for whatever anyone may project onto our statements. We can, however, be attentive to likely assumptions and work on our language to try to mitigate that as well as be willing to take ownership of any unclear language or mistaken assumptions of our own. Sometimes we need to wait and go back and craft our words carefully.​

If we have already begun with the understanding that we truly care - and aren't just angry- we should be able to communicate that. We can be effectively direct and challenging without attacking.​

Many of us went for many years without models of how to do that, but even so, it's possible! Really! We wouldn't lie to ya!​

Do I spend more time pointing out other people's issues than just giving empathy?​

If so, it may be that you are just cranky. If it comes to that, do yourself a favor and take a little break from the community or other places that tend to agitate your latent crankiness.​

Beyond some of those questions, we encourage anyone who engage' in potentially conflictual discussions/challenges/assertions to use specifics. Just the same, anyone who challenges the initial challenge would be better served to use specifics in their response.​

Finally, lets try to give each other the benefit of the doubt. For all the drama some of us have seen here (and elsewhere) over the months and years, we would have to admit that relatively few people post anything with malicious intent. It might help to start with the premise that, agreement or not with the point, the vast majority of people we interact with mean well.​

 

[Theresasjourney]

Separation of Stuff
Observing boundaries and interpersonal borders

Understanding the distinction between personal boundaries is crucial for the success of your other tools. Separation of stuff is the fulcrum from which all the other tools operates.

Oftentimes, on the discussion forums, this separation of stuff will be listed out with words as:

My Stuff <~~~ || ~~~> Your Stuff​

Seeing the words can sometimes help us to remember that just because we feel something doesn't make it the truth, reality or the other person's perception or understanding of the situation.

On the next page is an excerpt from "Putting the Pieces Together" which should illustrate (with more words) the essence of separating stuff.

Excerpted from "Putting the Pieces Together"

Separation of stuff is one of the more critical aspects of recovery from BPD. It is this separation of stuff that allows us to differentiate responsibility, and thus reduce feelings of guilt and/or feelings of persecution. It is by separating stuff that we become more stable in our inter-personal relationships, and are better able to maintain healthy, mature, adult relationships.

But what does &#8220;separation of stuff&#8221; really mean? I&#8217;m not talking about separating the laundry as you prepare to do a wash. I&#8217;m not talking about separating the boys from the girls. I&#8217;m talking about the ability to look at a situation or relationship and separate what belongs to each side or person.

Okay, but what does that mean? Let&#8217;s take a look at an example:

Maria and Tom have been dating for a while and Maria gets it set in her head that going to the state fair would be an ideal romantic setting. She can picture the two of them wandering around, holding hands, talking and laughing, trying games, going on rides, sharing cotton candy and getting sticky. It&#8217;s been a number of weeks since the two of them have gone out to have any fun at all. Usually it&#8217;s been dinner together or some phone calls to keep the connection between the two of them alive. Maria is eager to rejuvenate their relationship.

So Maria tells Tom, &#8220;I think we should go to the state fair this weekend.&#8221;

Meanwhile, Tom has been looking forward to a quiet weekend, home alone, after a long and draining workweek. Due to a pending merger at work, all employees have been doing close to double shifts for the last four months, barely able to take a half day off on the weekends. This is the first chance he&#8217;s had to have two solid days free of all work obligations, and not only is he looking forward to his down time, his body is almost requiring it.

So Tom tells Maria, &#8220;Honey, I don&#8217;t think so. This is my first weekend off in months and I was looking forward to vegetating on the couch in front of some college football games.&#8221;

Maria is stunned and hurt because Tom would rather stare at &#8220;the idiot box&#8221; rather than have a romantic and fun, relaxing time with her at the fair.
The last sentence in that example shows us that Maria has been unable to separate the stuff of their relationship. She is viewing Tom&#8217;s words and actions as a direct reflection on her worth and value to him as a human being and as a romantic partner. She is unable to see that Tom&#8217;s stated desire to relax by &#8220;vegetating on the couch&#8221; is a reflection of his inner self rather than of her inner self.
To put the example of Tom and Maria into a visual form, we use colored circles:

By utilizing our other tools - not taking anything personally, making no assumptions, untwisting our thinking, using our steps to gain a fresh perspective - we become adept at separating our stuff from the other person's stuff.

We allow the other person the right to see things the way they see them.

We allow the other person the right to hold differing opinions.

We allow the other person the right to have different priorities from ours.

We allow the other person the right to be themselves.

Traditionally, people with Borderline operate in the lower right corner, the full green circle. We figure if we're considerate in the grocery store, everyone should be and we get disproportionately angry at people who don't live up to our internal expectations. After all, they are us and they should be aware, considerate and everything else we hold ourselves to.

Historically, as people with Borderline first encounter the concepts of separation of stuff, they end up operating in the area across the top: completely distanced and separated from everyone around them. These people frequently tell others "That's your stuff, not mine" and there's little chance of genuine communication, understanding or growth during that phase.

It's only as we begin to fully integrate the concept that we're able to have interactions that are respectful of the boundaries around us, where we take responsibility for the stuff that's ours and work to achieve the healthy level of overlap between the two circles - as shown in the lower left corner. It is in that small sliver of overlapping circles that healthy relationships are found, nurtured and grow.