Boundaries in dating

[sampa]

So back in May 2007 I made my first post in the x-generation thread and singles thread. You can see a copy of it below that I found in the millennial thread. The one in the singles section was totally shut down, it got heated and there were arguments.

I'd like to adjust my questions to an older crowd. As now I'm finding quite a difference in what individuals said in their 20's and 30's as opposed to 40-65 age range. Please share your thoughts.

Boundaries in dating: The Physical


This is my first post to the singles ministry and I'm sure I'll be posting more. I'm curious about those who are dating over the age of 25 years old (not that those under don't have valid experience, but I jus think I can relate closer to my age)....ok I'm wondering if you might discuss your physical boundaries in a dating relationship.

Examples: not kissing till the alter, not kissing till 2nd or 3rd date, cuddling, holding hands in public or private places, watching movies at home, or maybe just what you do to prevent getting too physical. Bible verses or guidance you use? since it's pretty gray, esp. the song of songs doesn't seem clear if it's courting or marriage.

2nd question, how do you communicate your physical boundaries without talking about it in depth on the 1st couple of dates?

Lastly if there's anyone married here if holding out/limiting your physical affected your marriage and made it harder for you to enjoy each other since you got so used to a pattern of withholding? sorry all didn't mean to write an essay.

 

[Norbert L]

2nd question, how do you communicate your physical boundaries without talking about it in depth on the 1st couple of dates?

I can tell you about a couple of memorable conversations I had with women I have dated. One woman in a group conversation about relationships with two pastor's wives there, straight out confessed that she was a tiger. Another time my date took a rather large offense at being labelled, like a nun during a conversation. It was their approach to expressing the level of libido they had. In both cases it wasn't what they said, it was how they said it.

 

[bèlla]

Physical and emotional displays of affection are fine. It communicates attraction, desirability and specialness.

I don’t micromanage my behavior. The conviction is the boundary. I don’t need a list of rules to prevent me from crossing a line I have no desire to breach.

It isn’t a question of no or restraint. I don’t want to fornicate. Once you determine your stance the rest is easy. You can read the situation and dial it back if needed.

As for boundaries, it should be addressed openly. You need to be on the same page so there’s no ambiguity and you’re not tempting one another unintentionally. If certain behaviors stir things up you should acknowledge it. They understand you’re not rejecting them or weirding out. You’re preserving your honor.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

 

[Norbert L]

The conviction is the boundary.

I'm not sure if I misread your words somewhat. If this is just about a date for friendly companionship, then that's a different discussion from dating to find a spouse. Anyhow...

I don't find anything wrong about that conviction in either case. It's the kind of thing that should be known right from the start, especially if it is reflective of any person's marital expectations about the bed undefiled.

 

[bèlla]

I'm not sure if I misread your words somewhat. If this is just about a date for friendly companionship, then that's a different discussion from dating to find a spouse. Anyhow...

The conviction I’m referencing is desire. The same James mentioned in 1:14.

But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire.

When I go to a store I don’t need a reminder to pay. I don’t have a rule in place to prevent me from stealing. I’m not a thief. There’s nothing within me that compels me to steal. Nor am I susceptible to temptations in that area.

Fornication is no different. It is one thing to be abstinent and regard sex as the domain for marriage as a personal conviction and another to apply a principle that divides you.

There are things God forbids that we want to do. That's why we’re tempted. Susceptibility is your guideline. That’s where vigilance is required. Blanket rules are meaningless.

Some can rest on their conviction; I want to wait for marriage. Others require discipline to do the same. They need boundaries and guidelines to keep them on course. The desire exceeds the conviction. Rules leverage the playing field.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

 

[Norbert L]

The conviction I’m referencing is desire. The same James mentioned in 1:14.

But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire.

When I go to a store I don’t need a reminder to pay. I don’t have a rule in place to prevent me from stealing. I’m not a thief. There’s nothing within me that compels me to steal. Nor am I susceptible to temptations in that area.

Fornication is no different. It is one thing to be abstinent and regard sex as the domain for marriage as a personal conviction and another to apply a principle that divides you.

There are things God forbids that we want to do. That's why we’re tempted. Susceptibility is your guideline. That’s where vigilance is required. Blanket rules are meaningless.

Some can rest on their conviction; I want to wait for marriage. Others require discipline to do the same. They need boundaries and guidelines to keep them on course. The desire exceeds the conviction. Rules leverage the playing field.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

How does that answer the original 2nd question you brought up about how does a person communicate their physical boundaries for the first few times of dating?

A person can be convicted about the appropriateness of kissing or not kissing during dating, but that does not necessarily reflect nor communicate an accurate representation about their individual desires.

We know there are numerous other important issues for the man and woman after marriage, this is one that can be dealt with prior to becoming serious. Basically it's best for a person to be straight up and open about communicating their level of libido on the first few dates, otherwise that can mislead the other person into believing you're something that you are not.

 

[bèlla]

How does that answer the original 2nd question you brought up about how does a person communicate their physical boundaries for the first few times of dating?

You communicate by verbally acknowledging your boundaries and reservations. There’s no other way to convey them without ambiguity. I said the same in my initial response in the last paragraph.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

 

[Freth]

I agree with Bella.

A person must first know their own boundaries and convictions before dating. Then they must communicate those boundaries and convictions before dating begins, so that there are no preconceived notions. As to how you do this? You speak your mind and you don't hold back anything before you go on the first date.

Kissing, cuddling, holding each other... these things are "gateway drugs". You can express your feelings for someone with words and gestures very well. While I see no problem with kissing someone, holding their hand or holding them out of love, there are times and places for these things to occur and they should be kept in check.

How do you find the balance? I guess that's up to each couple to decide. I would tend to err on the side of caution in these things and be guarded. Not because I don't have feelings for them, but because I want to do right by them and do what God expects of me.

Again, communication is key from the outset, as well as throughout.

 

[sampa]

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[Freth]

Revisiting This thread when I'm a little bit less tired than I probably was when I had originally looked at this. I've had some time to think about this topic and I think I agree. Plain honesty is the best thing. Now to see how this works when I do get into a relationship.

One issue for me is if a guy wants to cuddle or spend time in a living room watching some kind of movie and I've communicated time and time again that it would be too much for me to control myself. The other discussion that I've had was some men is about visiting and not wanting to stay the night at their place but would rather stay in a hotel if I'm visiting. A guy I went on some dates with last year thought it sounded ludicrous to stay in a hotel and questioned if I didn't trust him, myself or both of us. And I said all of the above. It seemed one point of contention before I even made it to the third date with him. There were so many other things and I ended it, but he couldn't understand the idea of staying in the same place and temptation if we stayed in separate rooms.

I think this is why everything needs to be laid on the table from the outset. I don't think I would attempt to date someone who didn't share my convictions on the subject of dating and intimacy. Once you get past that initial hump and you both agree, then you should have a much smoother dating experience.

I'll be honest, I've never applied these things myself, because I haven't dated since I came back to Christianity in 2016. If/when I did start to date, I would make sure that the parameters are very clear, and that they are agreed upon and met. A like-minded individual should be accepting of Christian values and the desire to wait until marriage.

That's my thinking on it.

 

[sampa]

I think this is why everything needs to be laid on the table from the outset. I don't think I would attempt to date someone who didn't share my convictions on the subject of dating and intimacy. Once you get past that initial hump and you both agree, then you should have a much smoother dating experience.

I'll be honest, I've never applied these things myself, because I haven't dated since I came back to Christianity in 2016. If/when I did start to date, I would make sure that the parameters are very clear, and that they are agreed upon and met. A like-minded individual should be accepting of Christian values and the desire to wait until marriage.

That's my thinking on it.

I agree. There has to be some basis of agreement when starting out, otherwise it seems like it would be a rocky relationship. I think it's also a matter of respect.

Best of luck when that time comes that you are ready for a serious relationship. Right now it's just only a figure in my head as far as establishing boundaries, when it comes to the actual situation and what the conversation looks like, I think it's going to be different with each individual.

Right now I'm just praying in advance that the Lord is preparing the right person and that I don't have to have too many of these conversations before being led to someone for the long haul. This is just one small matter amongst many things that makes for a better relationship, coming to some kind of agreement and meeting each other in between.

 

[JAM2b]

There is actually a book called "Boundaries in Dating" by John Townsend and Henry Cloud. I thought that's what this discussion would be about.

If I recall correctly it doesn't talk about specific boundaries too much, but talks about how to establish and maintain your boundaries.

 

[com7fy8]

I'm wondering if you might discuss your physical boundaries in a dating relationship.

I would not take the word of someone I haven't already gotten to know. And I would not isolate with someone I have not come to trust.

So, first, I would pray for God to guide me and make me able to tell the difference about if someone is being a chameleon who knows how to say what I want to hear, or is really growing as a person of Jesus . . . and is obviously helping me to grow in Christ and how to love any and all people . . . not only that person in some isolating thing.

So, I might start by listening to someone in church and groups or somewhere more public, and see if the person is interested in what I value.

And pay attention to what is getting my attention to the person!

 

[dayhiker]

Gee, fornication hasn't been in Bibles for a few decades now.