If you are one of those that think I shouldn't have a place to vent, please stop reading and move on....I need a moment sense I can't stop crying right now.
It all started many years ago when I was very young. You see, I have allergies to onions but no one would treat much less accept it...when I say allergies I mean my throat and tongue swell yet my parents loved onions so we had them at every meal. So my body was in a constant state of allergic reaction. to make matters worse, I would be punished (for talking too much after I was asked to explain what happened) with eating a raw onion. I have also had allergies as in asthma issues to certain chemicals. One day, my father put chemicals on the cat and when the cat came around I couldn't breath Literally...my mother and now husband were trying to convince me to go to the ER...my father on the other hand, laughed and put the chemical on the carpet.
My mother confessed years later that she was always jealous of me which spurred her to manipulation and control. Nonetheless, I not only survived but I thrived under the protection of God. I could tell many stories but that isn't what this is about. So back to the allergy issue. When my siblings were to get braces my parents were given a better deal if I got them too. The Dr. told them to take me to a speech therapist who told them that my throat and tongue were always swollen and that was causing the problems. Instead of doing something about it, they put braces on me and widened my palate to make room for my swollen tongue. My husband will tell you that the first thing he learned about me was that I was allergic to onions (and a couple other things but we didn't have to eat the other things everyday) I am currently 57 almost 58 years old and my mother is just in the last 5 years or so recognizes that I have an allergy to them. She justifies herself by claiming that if I had only been old enough to explain what was going on they would have changed things...lol 55 isn't old enough nor is a professionals word....oh well that is just the beginning of the story.
Since then, I have survived many of their assaults, swelling allergies, being hit by a train, being beaten for things I didn't do, a marriage that was almost torn apart by porn, poverty which left us homeless several times over, etc. You came into the picture shortly after our son died in a freak accident and if you were following along you will see that that not only involved some terrible things that people said and did but our eldest being sent to war for the second time right after our sons funeral....again I won't go into all the details since so many here get upset when I vent.
Well, not only was all this going on but we lived in a situation that had it's beginnings in abuse from my father (long story) what we know now though we didn't know all the details at the time is that some of our kids were being jumped and beaten for being white. Our youngest was a look out for a gang who were dealing drugs and he watched a couple of his "friends" die, one in a shooting in which a bullet buzzed past him. when our son died and he was in distress, all his "friends" abandoned him. At the same time, the church was going through it's own growing pains and used us as a scapegoat. now that might or might not sound terrible but you also must realize that before this, my husband pastored a church that abused us (short version) and the older kids still remembered being beaten to the verge of ER by much older deacon children with witnesses that testified that our children were completely innocent. So the kids can't really turn to the church either.
Moving forward, we did what we could to help them (the kids) but nothing seemed to work. We had one, our eldest who had seen some terrible things in war and lost his brother in the midst of it, turn to alcohol and became and alcoholic. Our third son decided to become transgender and when I told him he would always be welcomed, loved, invited, etc. because we respected him enough to let him make his own decisions, he said, "if that is what love is, I don't want any of it because it makes me feel bad about myself." Shortly thereafter he not only told me to ignore him that he didn't want anything to do with me but he also publicly accused us (mostly me) of abuses that never happened and there is hard evidence to the truth of what I am saying on most of the accusations. He is now identifying himself not only as a female but a witch and talks about spells and will have nothing to do with us unless he needs something. Our only daughter seemed to be doing the best but wanted to go into the military, so we let her even though we told her we thought it was the wrong thing to do. Well, she was raped in the military and the result of that was that she pulled away completely and even started accusing me of some horrible things that never happened. Eventually she brought home a young man that "brought her back home." but then she sent him packing when he said he wanted some time to pray (because she was afraid to be alone) started dating a guy and was married before we even knew what was going on. The problem was that when she was with this guy, she was nasty and evil to the point of alienating her baby brother. Her baby brother is angry and often hostile though not always. He is now withdrawn and proclaims that he is an agnostic. Often time he resorts to the false accusations as well. The funny thing is that all the kids tell each other they are wrong to accuse me but they do it themselves. I was taught to blame myself so this sets up a self deprivation in me.
Oh but we are far from over....I started out talking about my allergies. Well before our son died, I was diagnosed with A fib. I had to be cardio versioned twice and since have learned that large doses of Magnesium keep my heart in rhythm. Well, about the same time I was diagnosed, I had hives and facial swelling that made me look like the elephant man. Benadryl was the only reason I wasn't in the hospital for allergies then. But in the ER when I had Afib, because of the community we lived in, I was told that I was in Afib because I was doing drugs. I assured them that the hardest drugs I was taking was antihistamine and the occasional tylenol....well, that is when they put me on a med that should never be given to someone with allergies. I didn't know this because I trusted the ER dr. so I was on this med for years. about 7 of them. I kept telling the Dr. that I was getting worse but no one would listen. Eventually I got a PA to listen, he looked at my throat and tongue, gasped and told me not to dare to go a day without antihistamine then continued the prescription that I should never have been on.
So moving on in the story. I was referred to a pulmonary Dr. eventually. He started asking me questions and I answered. Eventually he said to me, "You are too ignorant to know your own symptoms, be quiet and I will tell you your symptoms and then treat you accordingly." My husband who was sitting right there told him that those were not my symptoms. to which he replied, "You are too ignorant to know her symptoms now be quiet and I will..." In the end of the matter, the prescribed correction made things worse to the point in which the pharmacist told me not to do what he ordered because it would kill me. But because I wouldn't do what he wanted me to do, he black listed me and now I can't even get a referral for some basic help.
Well, while all this is going on, my health continued to spiral out of control. At it's worst I was going from the 200 range to the 90 range on my BP every night in a matter of just a couple of min. I was going to the ER every night where they would treat me and then tell me to call the dr. The Dr. would say, we can see you in about a month. Even I knew I wouldn't live that long the way things were going. My allergies became so bad I could no longer function, literally, every chemical was setting off a massive reaction, etc. Another long story. My body was in such a bad place that my cortisol was spiking which we finally figured out as we prayed for God to show us what was going on.
Now I won't go into all of the details of this but the short version is that the cortisol triggered something that is called myofascial pain disease. It is often confused with fibromyalgia but is very very different. It is characterized by pain that cannot be controlled, muscle cramps that will not end, weak muscles, etc. They do know that cortisol triggers the disease but they know very little else. At this point I use a walker or cane if I don't have far to go and a chair whenever we are out because I can no longer walk. We have tried everything and are still working on it and my have some answers but it is too early to know. Anyway, the allergies are out of control, to explain, I shook hands one night with someone who had weed killer on his hand even though he thought he had it all washed off, it sent me to my bed for a week with my digestive, respiratory, and circulatory systems all trying to shut down. You have no idea everything that has chemicals that set me off into very severe reactions but the problem is that the soaps and cleaning supplies have them too so going to the ER only makes them worse. I can no longer get the mail, watch the kids in a game, go to the school, even going to the bathroom where the soaps have the chemicals is life threatening. the list goes on and on and those who know me can't even imagine all the things we have to literally figure into whether I survive a day or not. But enough of that, and no I can't get help still to this day.
Well, so now we have the kids going off, my health spiraling out of control, we still live in poverty and I can't work. I mean even opening the windows can cause a severe reaction. As I sit and type this we have had 6 asthma days in a row which means no oxygen to speak of in fact, my oxygen levels stay below what the ins. companies will pay for....on and on the list goes...even my mother who now recognizes my onion allergy will put out soap with one of the chemicals I can't be around then make excuses for doing so....when my father was still alive he would spray the chemical he laughed about me not being able to breath around in the house....anyway so today, I get up and my knee on my "good" leg is frozen up and I can't bend my knee. My "bad" leg is too weak to support my weight and so I can't even go to the bathroom by myself. this on top of two really bad asthma weeks. The kids some still really bad, some finally at least on the fence. Our daughters wedding ceremony coming up and no money for even a hotel room (out of state)...I am so stinking tired I can't even think....most nights I sleep about an hour then have to get up to relieve some of my leg issues...this goes on all night for years now.
But you know what...it really bothers me that every time I tried to vent a bit here, someone would get upset. I am tired....I am tired...I am tired and you know what, that is okay. It's even okay that I am struggling to not be depressed at this point. I have been in non stop pain for almost 6 years, I can't even get help with allergies and asthma, I can't be around anything without risking severe reaction, heck, even eating can have either hidden onions or hidden chemicals that can make me very very ill. I can't help my husband by working or doing anything much around the house so all of it falls on him...He btw is being great but I feel bad for him.
I will endure as God commands, I will be faithful, I will Love my Lord no matter, I will thrive when the world says I should die, but I am tired of being told I shouldn't vent or be depressed or any number of other things some here have tried to say. I am hurting like few will ever understand in ways that most will never know and I am thankful most of you all will never know some of those pains...but come on...a little venting, a few tears...haven't I earned them by now!!!!!
Okay, I'm done...back to silence. Sorry for all who are offended...I just needed to get it out. Maybe someday, God will share with you many of the details I left out and in that you will find even more clarity but since that is between you and God I will leave you with this blessing...May you always see Christ in the midst of your struggles rather than your own pains which will only fester and turn you bitter if you entertain them rather than venting and moving on.