All in the Family

[Sushi614]

Has anyone married into a family of ministers/missionaries?

I married my husband almost 10 years ago now. His parents were transitioning from being missionaries in Columbia to pastors in Tx at the time. The Grand Parents have been pastors or in the ministry all of their lives. Their other kids (my husbands aunts and uncles) are also in the ministry. The oldest daughter and her husband are pastors. The youngest son and his wife are missionaries in Lithuania. His Dad is the middle son now pastoring in Houston.

His parents moved away from us to Houston when we got married to pastor their new church. So we've been pretty hands off this whole time. Of course we were involved in our own local church. But we have moved near them now. So it's full on all the time now helping with things.

Don't get me wrong, I love being an active part in our music ministry. Singing is what drives my passion to worship and be connected to God. But I've come across issues of resentment towards me and the whole family it seems. Since the worship leader is the pastor's wife and the keyboard player is their son and also my husband, we get the "all in the family" comments a lot. And I don't mean "How nice that they all work together as a family to support the ministry." It alway seems to come out as negative. Like we're just ganging up together. Which is completely not the case.

It's particularly hard for me because although I was raised in church, we were not the ministers. And now I'm automatically in the "inner circle" and expected to be a certain way. I was not raised in that circle like the rest of the family. I don't like the feeling that people may think I'm treated with favoritism.
Also, I'm only a member of the team, not a leader. But as the "daughter" I am expected to help set everything up and do all this "extra stuff". It's almost like it would be easier to actually have an official position.

So, not to be a downer. I just thought that people like us could use a little support. We can share thoughts and suggestions to hopefully work thru some of these kind of problems.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone else feels this way.

 

[godsupergirl]

Well, you're wrong about one thing. You are a leader. I was actually raised in church and am not married so maybe I'm not the best advice giver, but from my experience I can tell you right now that you are not in your fight alone. Other women and even young girls are going to look up to you and follow, or at least try, in your footsteps and you're going to have to make sure you're leading them in the right direction. My mom and I are close and until recently she wouldn't accept that she was a leader right along side my father (pastor). Now she realizes that this is exactly where God wants her. About the people wanting you to do so much more work, that's always a problem. Sometimes you just have to decline, for your own sanity. lol.

 

[Sushi614]

Thanks for you support godsupergirl. Reading back over my own comments I do realize that I am a leader. I do know that just being up there and being in the Pastor's family automatically people will be looking up to me. On that personal level I absolutely have stepped up into taking that responisibility. Anyone who knows me has said I am so easy to talk to. People come up to me and tell me just about everything. I never judge, I just lend an ear and whatever advise that I think may be helpful.

I guess my problem I was really trying to express above is since I am in the family I am expected to always be there. Picking up the slack, covering all of the missing parts and never getting a break. I know, I need to stop whinning. Its really not what I am intending to do. I guess it would just be nice to have a break every once in a while. The Pastors could use one too though, so it makes me feel pretty small when I just think about myself. I do it to help them out, they really deserve it.

 

[godsupergirl]

 

[godsupergirl]

If you need to talk, I'm a listening ear. It's rough sometimes but try and always look at the positive effects of what you're doing.

 

[bliz]

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems that your in-laws have chosen to conduct their ministry by they themselves or family doing all the work - set up, picking up the slack etc. Sometimes that is necessary, but overall, that is not a good model.

Getting people in the congregation to help and eventually to manage various aspects of the ministry is far healthier for everyone and helps develop leaders within the church. Careful planning and organization can minimize the amount of slack that has to be taken up.

Some people want to be the ones to do it all - personality? training? need for control? meeding to be needed? But it simply isn't the best way to run a church. I attnded a church for 4 months once before I met the pastor. He was on a sabbatical and vacation, and the church ran fine without him and his family, although they were missed. I saw that as proof of how well things were managed and the depth of servent leadership there was within the members.

It is between you and God how you minister. The commitment and calling other members of the family make is up to them. All members should be looking for ways to contribute, but that doesn't mean you have to do so the same way your in-laws or your husband does.

 

[Sushi614]

I completely see where you could get that just from what is posted here. But the inside scoop is: they had to pick up the slack from our past worship leader leaving the church. My mother-in-law (the new worship leader) was the keyboard player before this. My husband (her son) plays even better than her. So she asked him to help out by playing. I was already singing.

It's not that they "need to be in control", just that they are willing to fill in what is lacking. Our church is not very big right now. So it is difficult to have enough people to do everything.

The funny thing is now that I think of it, our praise team consists of: worship leader-pastors wife, keyboard-their son, me singer-his wife, singer1-drama/dance team leader, bass-youth pastor, drumer-royal rangers troupe leader, singer2-in drama team/choir, guitar-home bible study leader & trumpet-pastor.

I think its harder in small churches because the same people end up doing all of the work and they get burned out sometimes. We don't want to scare off all of the new people either. But anyone who wants to help out is always welcome.

 

[godsupergirl]

Yup. This is a real problem. When our church first started it was my family running things. The worship team, cleaning crew, childrens church, and it's not because we wanted to, but because there simply was no one else. Now that we at least have some more steady members we can let go a little more.

 

[DavidThomas]

thanks to church people for help

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[Silvestra]

Interesting and enlightening thread! It shows the real troubles and difficulties. However, are we all not just humans and not "super-humans"? So, just like in any other profession, are you not expected to just do your job reasonably well without the strain or burn-out?

Moreover, "Notjing is right or wrong, only thinking makes it so!", so just live life and do not let others' comments put you down, for others shall comment, whether you do anything or not.

 

[Sushi614]

So true! Thanks for you comments and for bumping this thread up. I started this when I first joined CF. It seems like forever ago. I've really enjoyed reading through it all again to remind me of where I was and how far I have come now. Everything is pretty much the same at church except the ones who use to make those comments all seem to have left. Atleast we haven't heard much of that any more. I have come to embrace my "position" as the full-time helper. I just try not to let it burn me out. I'm also happy to announce that the pastor and worship leader (aka F&MIL) are currently on a much need/well deserved vacation. Our daughter is with them for a few days of it while they are going to a water park. Of course we are picking up the slack for them while they are gone for 2 weeks. But we do have some help from the youth pastor and drama leader who are still on the team. We all work together more now to get everything done. Its great having a good core team.