I have been a Christian for my whole life. Not all my life has been a strong believe in faith. I have cut my relationship with God before my university because of some girl, that I keep praying that I can have some relationship with her, yet I blame it all to God when it does not happen. However, as I went to study abroad for my master degree, as found my faith in God again, I am starting to working as a volunteer in church, joining a ministry, receiving a mentor, bible discussion, and others.
However, now I feel that this feeling of abandon by God come again. as again I have fallen for girl in Church, yet I am rejected again. Yet the same reason, I also pray to God to give me a path, a plan, to show me that he does exist in my life.
I am scared that my friend in church going to judge me for falling in love with my sister in church. my group leader and spiritual mentor ask me what happen, but i just scrub it off like it never happen. What I did only ask them to help her if she has a problem or feeling distress because of sudden confession. They did ask if I am okay, i lie to them saying that I am okay and they do not have to worried about a single thing.
I feel so lonely and desperate lately, I also got anxiety attack that make me want to scream, I just cannot take it anymore. I want to ask them for help so bad, yet i feel so scared of being judges for being a jerk and taking advantage of her (because she trust me so much, now we didnt talk anymore). Been crying and asking for both God presence and plan in my life. yet 1 week and I still have not receive what is he plan for me. I feel like clicking the abandon button again. I just do not know what to do.
I am thinking of community gathering and church this Friday and Sunday. by pretending that I am sick, but with the Coronavirus and 2 of my housemate is a strong christian (one of the leader in church), I feel like that kinda hard to be done. I want to leave again, but i just do not know what to do.
However, now I feel that this feeling of abandon by God come again. as again I have fallen for girl in Church, yet I am rejected again. Yet the same reason, I also pray to God to give me a path, a plan, to show me that he does exist in my life.
I am scared that my friend in church going to judge me for falling in love with my sister in church. my group leader and spiritual mentor ask me what happen, but i just scrub it off like it never happen. What I did only ask them to help her if she has a problem or feeling distress because of sudden confession. They did ask if I am okay, i lie to them saying that I am okay and they do not have to worried about a single thing.
I feel so lonely and desperate lately, I also got anxiety attack that make me want to scream, I just cannot take it anymore. I want to ask them for help so bad, yet i feel so scared of being judges for being a jerk and taking advantage of her (because she trust me so much, now we didnt talk anymore). Been crying and asking for both God presence and plan in my life. yet 1 week and I still have not receive what is he plan for me. I feel like clicking the abandon button again. I just do not know what to do.
I am thinking of community gathering and church this Friday and Sunday. by pretending that I am sick, but with the Coronavirus and 2 of my housemate is a strong christian (one of the leader in church), I feel like that kinda hard to be done. I want to leave again, but i just do not know what to do.