- Jul 23, 2017
- 2
- 2
- 26
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Single
I'm 19 and finished my first year of college; I just really don't know the meaning of life anymore. I'm super disappointed in myself; although I had a high GPA this year, I feel I didn't learn anything and wasted my year smoking weed everyday and nearly got myself kicked out of college for that. Additionally, I feel all the choices I made leading up to going to school were wrong; the college I chose to attend was absolutely awful, I quit learning how to drive 6 weeks before school to get a job, something I kind of regret now. During high school my home life was extremely unstable, especially during my junior and senior year. My mom lost her job at the beginning of 11th grade and shortly afterward my dad had to move in with us because he had a nervous breakdown(my parents have been divorced for 10 years) Unfortunately neither one of my parents had a car so I didn't learn how to drive during this time period. In addition to this, I knew there was no money for my college education so I worked very hard to make nearly straight As and was extensively involved in extracurricular activities in hopes of getting a scholarship. Things progressively got worse; during the summer before my senior year, my mom's unemployment benefits ran out and we could no longer afford our apartment,forcing us to move into a room in my mom's best friend's house. That was a hard year. Sorry for so much background.
Although I was dealing with enormous stress and anxiety; I at least felt like I was doing the right thing and my efforts were paying off when I got a partial scholarship to college. Now, I just feel like I've ruined everything and I should've done more by now; I'm 19, already 15k in debt, unemployed( did have a job at school), a nervous wreck, and no license.I've tried to get closer to God ( it's helps somewhat) but I'm honestly not sure of anything anymore. I'm trying to learn how to drive but the only person who can teach me is my mom who works from 1pm-11pm everyday. I feel like a bum because I don't have a job and Im not being productive. Because of all the issues I was dealing with in high school,I was too ashamed of my situation to get close to people, I often feel lonely and don't have anyone to hang out with locally.I just wonder if I'm ever going to get where I want to be. I feel like i should be doing something but at 19, there isn't much I can do. I feel pretty pathetic and helpless these days. I want to think positively but I hate being dissapointed. I just feel I'm slowly become exactly who I despise and the uncertainty of everything is making it really hard for me to have peace of mind.
Has anyone else been thorough something similar; my family never seems to understand my point of view; maybe I'm crazy, I'll let y'all decide that for yourselves though.
Although I was dealing with enormous stress and anxiety; I at least felt like I was doing the right thing and my efforts were paying off when I got a partial scholarship to college. Now, I just feel like I've ruined everything and I should've done more by now; I'm 19, already 15k in debt, unemployed( did have a job at school), a nervous wreck, and no license.I've tried to get closer to God ( it's helps somewhat) but I'm honestly not sure of anything anymore. I'm trying to learn how to drive but the only person who can teach me is my mom who works from 1pm-11pm everyday. I feel like a bum because I don't have a job and Im not being productive. Because of all the issues I was dealing with in high school,I was too ashamed of my situation to get close to people, I often feel lonely and don't have anyone to hang out with locally.I just wonder if I'm ever going to get where I want to be. I feel like i should be doing something but at 19, there isn't much I can do. I feel pretty pathetic and helpless these days. I want to think positively but I hate being dissapointed. I just feel I'm slowly become exactly who I despise and the uncertainty of everything is making it really hard for me to have peace of mind.
Has anyone else been thorough something similar; my family never seems to understand my point of view; maybe I'm crazy, I'll let y'all decide that for yourselves though.