What should I do?

[superdave]

I wrote a thread over Long Distance Relationships. Because me and my girlfriend have a long distance relationship- she lives in North Carolina, and I live in Texas. We talk all the time... but last night we really got into deep discussion. She told me, "Dave if you want to date other people while we are dating that is fine." and that shocked me! I told her, "Why would I want to do that?- I want to be commited to you." Because I believe that she is made for me. Well anyway, she said that she has been dating other people in the last 2 weeks. She asked me if that hurt me- I said no. But it kind of bothers me. I am not there to see if she is being faithful. What if she isn't? I absolutely have no problem with her going out with guys if it's like a friendship thing. But if she is doing things w/ them that she should be only doing with me... I have a problem with that. I don't think it's irrational either. Also she says- she is afraid to fall in love with me. Well, I know it's really early in the relationship and I don't blame her if she doesn't "love" me yet. But... she needs to give up something to be with me. I am giving up a lot... I am fighting for her in prayer and keeping true to her. This can't be a one way deal. Is me asking where she stands and how much she values this- is that a bad thing? Or am I being too serious about this LDR?

 

[GodBoy809]

no, i feel that you are in the right to be asking that. Heh, and that "dating other people thing while being apart" is just kinda freaky sounding. I mean, kristi is the only girl i do stuff with alone! Very rarly, unless if i helping them with something, will i go out and do something with another girl alone, its usually in a group. Her actually dating other guys, just sounds.....i mean, if it out of friendship its ok...but i dunno, that still doesnt sound right...i honestly dont know what to tell you man. sorry

 

[urbanfaerie]

well... u just met, no?

i think (but i have weirdo views) that it may be too early to know if its 'love'..

but if u love her and wanna be commited to eachother. let her go. if she comes back, she's yours, but if she leaves and decides that ldr isnt for her, or she found another guy.. all u can do is let her go.

sure, u may still have feelings for her. but u can't force sumone to love u, the way u love her.

if its meant to be, it'll happen in time. thats in Gods hands..

speaking from experience. LDR r really hard. as r ne relationships. u gotta have complete trust in this person for it to work out.

 

[Dawn Marie]

There's nothing I can say that hasn't already been said. I agree with those two who posted before me. ^

 

[rach]

I don't think you are asking too much to know where she stands in the relationship. Just let her know, if you haven't already, that in order to make this work you have to have some commitment to each other. You need to ask her if she is just casually dating you and if she's going out with other guys to "try them out" as a possible future. You can't force her to be committed, but you do deserve to know how she feels about it because it makes it that much harder to trust someone when they are that far away.

At first, when my boyfriend and I were dating long distance I had some insecurity problems because I was in Texas and he was in Iowa. It's really hard to trust them when you can't always be near them. They have to earn that trust, so when they are also doing stuff with others it makes it that much harder. You just need to make sure you talk about your feelings toward each other and know where she stands. Actually you just need to be able to talk about everything!

 

[LifeInYou]

Tell her what's on your mind.

I don't think it's ever too soon to know that you love someone, as long as you know what love is.

I knew I loved my first boyfriend/love within the first 2 weeks (scary i know). It lasted for almost two years, but my love for him still didn't end when we did.

Best wishes to you and your situation.

 

[JillLars]

Ok, Dave. She told you its alright if you want to date other people besides her. Which says to me "I want you to accept that offer so I won't feel guilty for dating other guys." She was baiting you with that question, testing the waters to see what your reaction would be. When you didn't react the way she thought you would, she just came out and told you, she is dating other guys. Its pretty clear that she isn't interested in a fully committed exclusive relationship, otherwise, she wouldn't be "dating" other guys. Unless she said, I have been hanging out with some friends lately, but I don't think she did. I don't think that you are being too serious, but I do think she isn't serious enough. To me, it looks like its a one ended relationship. Try not to be too serious about it because it will most likely end in heartbreak. I hope that makes sense, and I hope everything works out for the best.

 

[DaveKerwin]

Dave, guys and girls cannot be just friends, so there is no such thing as casual dating.

You need to be honest with her and tell her it hurts your feelings.

She sounds really young. Well, you are young too. You may be treating it too seriously because this girl does not sound very old, or very serious about dating.

 

[Matthew Hobbs]

Dave, guys and girls cannot be just friends, so there is no such thing as casual dating.

Do you have any proof for that? All through high school, most of my friends were girls. There was never any romantic interest, and oftentimes I would just go see a movie with one of them - we were friends. I would have dinner one-on-one with male friends, female friends, etc.

As for casual dating - sure, it's possible. Once in a while I'd take out a young lady not in my usual circle of friends, because she was cute, funny, and nice to be around. In these cases, nothing ever happened beyond a "good night" peck on the cheek. I'd call that casual dating, wouldn't you?

 

[DaveKerwin]

Do you have any proof for that? All through high school, most of my friends were girls. There was never any romantic interest, and oftentimes I would just go see a movie with one of them - we were friends. I would have dinner one-on-one with male friends, female friends, etc.

As for casual dating - sure, it's possible. Once in a while I'd take out a young lady not in my usual circle of friends, because she was cute, funny, and nice to be around. In these cases, nothing ever happened beyond a "good night" peck on the cheek. I'd call that casual dating, wouldn't you?

It is more of a rule of thumb than a law of the universe.

Dude, hang around a little longer, casual dating never works well.

 

[Warrior Poet]

I wrote a thread over Long Distance Relationships. Because me and my girlfriend have a long distance relationship- she lives in North Carolina, and I live in Texas. We talk all the time... but last night we really got into deep discussion. She told me, "Dave if you want to date other people while we are dating that is fine." and that shocked me! I told her, "Why would I want to do that?- I want to be commited to you." Because I believe that she is made for me. Well anyway, she said that she has been dating other people in the last 2 weeks. She asked me if that hurt me- I said no. But it kind of bothers me. I am not there to see if she is being faithful. What if she isn't? I absolutely have no problem with her going out with guys if it's like a friendship thing. But if she is doing things w/ them that she should be only doing with me... I have a problem with that. I don't think it's irrational either. Also she says- she is afraid to fall in love with me. Well, I know it's really early in the relationship and I don't blame her if she doesn't "love" me yet. But... she needs to give up something to be with me. I am giving up a lot... I am fighting for her in prayer and keeping true to her. This can't be a one way deal. Is me asking where she stands and how much she values this- is that a bad thing? Or am I being too serious about this LDR?

SuperDave, ask her, I know you really care but if the feelings aren't mutual then there is a tough road ahead of you, the ball is really in your court, she served it up and you know where she stands. She needs the physical aspects of the realtionship from the sounds of it (not meaning sex) but having someone there, her dating is in a sense filling a void, she gets her emotional connection with you and the other stuff she is not getting she is searching for, its something you cant give her and its not your fault. If she is affraid to "fall in love" (that word again) with you then it A) means she really like you and being apart would be to hard to hold that commitment or B) She wants her cake and to eat it too, IMO either one is whatever. Unfortunitly to cross the more then friend line there is almost no way to go back, sounds like she wants a friend not a boyfriend, that is a hard thing to do. it is all about what YOU really want, are you compromising yourelf and the quailties you want on a GF for this girl? cause if so do her and yourself a favor, let her go. Maybe later down the road...........well you know. I know easier said then done, but you can or you cant, all the advice in the world cant make the decision for you, GoodLuck bro.

Warrior Poet

 

[Matthew Hobbs]

Dude, hang around a little longer, casual dating never works well.

Actually, I've been on this board for over a year now, I just don't post that much.

It must be nice to be able to make sweeping generalizations like that. I guess if it "never" works, my positive experiences with casual dating must have taken place within some odd bubble in the space-time continuum, so that the occurence of said positive experiences no longer exists within this dimension.

 

[DaveKerwin]

Actually, I've been on this board for over a year now, I just don't post that much.

It must be nice to be able to make sweeping generalizations like that. I guess if it "never" works, my positive experiences with casual dating must have taken place within some odd bubble in the space-time continuum, so that the occurence of said positive experiences no longer exists within this dimension.

spend time around women longer, that is what I meant.

I guess I define dating much differently than you do.

I do not suggest dating casually. I begin with the end in mind. I only recommend dating someone that you think has qualities of being your equal mate (wife). I decided that the woman I am dating now has the qualities that I want in a wife (this was before we were a couple!). Dating this way has eliminated all the garbage everyone else goes through. As we have dated, I have found my thoughts about her to be true. Dating is a very serious thing, and unfortunately, it is treated lightly and done casually (and I have never seen casual dating work well).

 

[PegasusOnFire]

LDR, I might be an expert at this one, LOL. My fiancee and I lived in two different countries for several years, until he moved back to the US this past Friday (8-8-03). He did end up going out with different women from the ship that he was stationed on, only because he had to have a shipmate with him, when he went into town. This upset me greatly at first, but then we were able to talk about it at great length over the phone, which is a terrible way to work out things. But in the end, I understood that it couldn't have been avoided and he agreed not to go to town with other women, if at all possible. He told some of the guys in the shop that he worked in and they all started going out together.

I guess what I am saying is, is that you need to talk this out with her. Don't let it fester. You will get very angry and it won't help anything. I let it fester, I hated myself and I hated Jay. That is not a good thing. Call her up and tell her what your feelings are about it. Tell the honest truth and don't sugar coat it.