There's no Scripture that says God picks your mate..

[NotUrAvgGuy]

I would read this small pdf "On the matters of a mate." by Kenneth Hagin. It will help build your faith for a mate. On the Matter of a Mate - Rhema God desires to give you a mate more than you want one. For myself, I had many hindrances that had to be removed to open the way to marriage. You also might try to expand your search area. Setting limits on on geography or other things too might be hindering you. Regardless, I do with finding your mate.

Not to nitpick, but I would disagree that "God desires to give you a mate...." Clearly, some are called to the life of singleness. They would be an exception to that statement.

I had an interesting discussion about this with a well-known pastor and author. Most people assume that if you have the gift of singleness, it is to devote your time to ministry fully. Maybe a missionary in a dangerous location who does not want to endanger a spouse/family and knows he/she will be too busy to be a proper spouse. It would therefore seem to be a rare gift. Paul was a church planter, evangelist, and author. Clearly, he devoted his life to those things. It is rare today to see a single pastor unless they are fresh out of seminary and not yet married. Most churches probably wouldn't even want a single pastor, although that should not be an issue.

What about the case of someone who has no desire to marry, yet does not feel called to full-time ministry? This is what our discussion centered on. Is such a person called to be married, but something is preventing that, or do they have the gift of singleness? If they have a gift of singleness, does that mean they are not obeying or hearing the call to significant ministry? In my case, I had a very traumatic childhood that left me emotionally numb and with Attachment Disorder. I tried marriage, but I shouldn't have, and I married a woman who had some serious mental health issues, and (long story short) it ended in divorce. I had serious reservations about getting married, but my pastor at the time and my best Christian friend both encouraged me to "take a leap of faith" and marry her. Now, I recognize that marriage for me would be a bad idea (putting aside the issue of whether or not I am permitted to remarry). I am too much of a loner and would find marriage claustrophobic. This pastor maintained I had the gift of singleness and that God used those circumstances to establish it. I don't know that it is important to settle this. Right now, I know that I have no desire to be married. I think it was a mistake for me ever to marry. I should have listened to my heart and not let others influence me.

Did God pick my spouse? I go back to what I wrote earlier. I think sometimes God does bring two people together (His active will). Sometimes we do the picking, and God allows it (His permissive will). Romans 8:28 assures us that God "works all things together for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose." If you have a great marriage, thank God for your spouse. If you have a bad marriage, don't blame God, but pray to Him for change. If you are single, follow your heart. If you desire to marry, pray that the Lord give you wisdom in choosing the right person. If you are single and don't desire to marry, that doesn't mean you are selfish or resisting God's will for your life. You don't have to be married to be a Christian. Some may be selfish if they are called to marriage but are putting it off to have more fun or money, but if you sincerely don't desire to marry, that is not selfishness. There are still many ways you can contribute. Sometimes we put marriage on such a pedestal that it makes the unmarried feel like second-class Christians. In some churches, singles past a certain age are suspect. Focus on your calling and don't worry about what the Lord has in mind for others.

 

[Richard T]

Not to nitpick, but I would disagree that "God desires to give you a mate...." Clearly, some are called to the life of singleness. They would be an exception to that statement.

I had an interesting discussion about this with a well-known pastor and author. Most people assume that if you have the gift of singleness, it is to devote your time to ministry fully. Maybe a missionary in a dangerous location who does not want to endanger a spouse/family and knows he/she will be too busy to be a proper spouse. It would therefore seem to be a rare gift. Paul was a church planter, evangelist, and author. Clearly, he devoted his life to those things. It is rare today to see a single pastor unless they are fresh out of seminary and not yet married. Most churches probably wouldn't even want a single pastor, although that should not be an issue.

What about the case of someone who has no desire to marry, yet does not feel called to full-time ministry? This is what our discussion centered on. Is such a person called to be married, but something is preventing that, or do they have the gift of singleness? If they have a gift of singleness, does that mean they are not obeying or hearing the call to significant ministry? In my case, I had a very traumatic childhood that left me emotionally numb and with Attachment Disorder. I tried marriage, but I shouldn't have, and I married a woman who had some serious mental health issues, and (long story short) it ended in divorce. I had serious reservations about getting married, but my pastor at the time and my best Christian friend both encouraged me to "take a leap of faith" and marry her. Now, I recognize that marriage for me would be a bad idea (putting aside the issue of whether or not I am permitted to remarry). I am too much of a loner and would find marriage claustrophobic. This pastor maintained I had the gift of singleness and that God used those circumstances to establish it. I don't know that it is important to settle this. Right now, I know that I have no desire to be married. I think it was a mistake for me ever to marry. I should have listened to my heart and not let others influence me.

Did God pick my spouse? I go back to what I wrote earlier. I think sometimes God does bring two people together (His active will). Sometimes we do the picking, and God allows it (His permissive will). Romans 8:28 assures us that God "works all things together for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose." If you have a great marriage, thank God for your spouse. If you have a bad marriage, don't blame God, but pray to Him for change. If you are single, follow your heart. If you desire to marry, pray that the Lord give you wisdom in choosing the right person. If you are single and don't desire to marry, that doesn't mean you are selfish or resisting God's will for your life. You don't have to be married to be a Christian. Some may be selfish if they are called to marriage but are putting it off to have more fun or money, but if you sincerely don't desire to marry, that is not selfishness. There are still many ways you can contribute. Sometimes we put marriage on such a pedestal that it makes the unmarried feel like second-class Christians. In some churches, singles past a certain age are suspect. Focus on your calling and don't worry about what the Lord has in mind for others.

Your post is well thought out and provides some good balance. Yes, some churches do almost shun singles or those that are childless. There is no day of the year for them, no anniversaries etc. There is no second class in God.

If one prefers to accept singleness and it fits well, who can argue with that? For some, I might remain skeptical of God's intention that such a singleness is permanent. I say this because of past bad experiences I know that some have just given up on marriage. I think we all have heard someone say: "I am not ever going to trust (or date, or marry) a man (or woman) ever again. Most recover, but I suspect that some do not. But in general, if one has a desire in their heart to marry, and they are looking to truly give and not just receive, that they should have assurance that God is on their side with helping them find a spouse.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Your post is well thought out and provides some good balance. Yes, some churches do almost shun singles or those that are childless. There is no day of the year for them, no anniversaries etc. There is no second class in God.

If one prefers to accept singleness and it fits well, who can argue with that? For some, I might remain skeptical of God's intention that such a singleness is permanent. I say this because of past bad experiences I know that some have just given up on marriage. I think we all have heard someone say: "I am not ever going to trust (or date, or marry) a man (or woman) ever again. Most recover, but I suspect that some do not. But in general, if one has a desire in their heart to marry, and they are looking to truly give and not just receive, that they should have assurance that God is on their side with helping them find a spouse.

Thank you and I completely agree. I could include myself in those who had a past bad experience, although I still contend I never should have married. I grew up in a highly dysfunctional home due to my mom being a mean alcoholic. Pretty much 17 years of misery. It left me shell-shocked and wounded. I think it also stunted my emotional and social development since it began when I was a baby. Some have suggested I have mild autism, but I have never been formally diagnosed with it, and I am not sure. I can see some autism symptoms in me, but not enough to where I think I have it.

Since my mom's alcoholism affected me from such a young age, it's very hard to say how I would have been had that not happened. Was their mild autism there or are those symptoms the by-product of stresses and dysfunctionality I went through? I will never know. I never had more than a couple of friends and was never social. I barely dated before I met my wife. From the age of 22 to 28, I did not go on a single date. I had very little social life and lived alone for half those years. I have never cared for groups. I used to get an upset stomach and dry heaves before going to a small group fellowship. I would be the first one out the door when it was over. When married, we once attended a church that was a 30-minute drive away. My wife (ex) liked to stay after church for up to an hour, talking to people. I had to get out of there, so I put my bicycle in the back of our family van, changed my clothes, and rode home. I am someone who needs a lot of alone time. I have never enjoyed living with people. I prefer to live alone. I don't like to have to talk a lot. I don't see how someone like me could be happily married. My spouse would feel lonely, I think. I also don't find myself wanting affection. I don't celebrate birthdays or holidays (beyond their religious significance, if any) and rarely socialize. That would not make for a real marriage. Marriage is about the two becoming one and going through life together. It is about love, affection, and intimacy. Pretty much all about the things I have no desire for.

 

[Richard T]

Sorry you had to go through quite a bit to get to the place where you are now. Certainly you are not second class, we are all one in Christ Jesus. No person can know for certain what God has for another. I don't know how pervasive the gift of singleness is. Many are that way not by choice though, and I too knew that so well. God bless