NotUrAvgGuy
Well-Known Member
- Jul 19, 2015
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Not to nitpick, but I would disagree that "God desires to give you a mate...." Clearly, some are called to the life of singleness. They would be an exception to that statement.I would read this small pdf "On the matters of a mate." by Kenneth Hagin. It will help build your faith for a mate. On the Matter of a Mate - Rhema God desires to give you a mate more than you want one. For myself, I had many hindrances that had to be removed to open the way to marriage. You also might try to expand your search area. Setting limits on on geography or other things too might be hindering you. Regardless, I do with finding your mate.
I had an interesting discussion about this with a well-known pastor and author. Most people assume that if you have the gift of singleness, it is to devote your time to ministry fully. Maybe a missionary in a dangerous location who does not want to endanger a spouse/family and knows he/she will be too busy to be a proper spouse. It would therefore seem to be a rare gift. Paul was a church planter, evangelist, and author. Clearly, he devoted his life to those things. It is rare today to see a single pastor unless they are fresh out of seminary and not yet married. Most churches probably wouldn't even want a single pastor, although that should not be an issue.
What about the case of someone who has no desire to marry, yet does not feel called to full-time ministry? This is what our discussion centered on. Is such a person called to be married, but something is preventing that, or do they have the gift of singleness? If they have a gift of singleness, does that mean they are not obeying or hearing the call to significant ministry? In my case, I had a very traumatic childhood that left me emotionally numb and with Attachment Disorder. I tried marriage, but I shouldn't have, and I married a woman who had some serious mental health issues, and (long story short) it ended in divorce. I had serious reservations about getting married, but my pastor at the time and my best Christian friend both encouraged me to "take a leap of faith" and marry her. Now, I recognize that marriage for me would be a bad idea (putting aside the issue of whether or not I am permitted to remarry). I am too much of a loner and would find marriage claustrophobic. This pastor maintained I had the gift of singleness and that God used those circumstances to establish it. I don't know that it is important to settle this. Right now, I know that I have no desire to be married. I think it was a mistake for me ever to marry. I should have listened to my heart and not let others influence me.
Did God pick my spouse? I go back to what I wrote earlier. I think sometimes God does bring two people together (His active will). Sometimes we do the picking, and God allows it (His permissive will). Romans 8:28 assures us that God "works all things together for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose." If you have a great marriage, thank God for your spouse. If you have a bad marriage, don't blame God, but pray to Him for change. If you are single, follow your heart. If you desire to marry, pray that the Lord give you wisdom in choosing the right person. If you are single and don't desire to marry, that doesn't mean you are selfish or resisting God's will for your life. You don't have to be married to be a Christian. Some may be selfish if they are called to marriage but are putting it off to have more fun or money, but if you sincerely don't desire to marry, that is not selfishness. There are still many ways you can contribute. Sometimes we put marriage on such a pedestal that it makes the unmarried feel like second-class Christians. In some churches, singles past a certain age are suspect. Focus on your calling and don't worry about what the Lord has in mind for others.
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