Should a Christian person date a person they are not sexually attracted to ?

[QuestionQuest74]

Christians date with the intentions of marriage so with that being said should a Christian person date a person they are not sexually attracted to even when they are celibate until marriage. Considering the person has good Godly qualities and they connect

 

[JesusFollowerForever]

Definitely NO! you would regret later, love can come with time but physical attraction will not come on with time. it may sound like attraction is not necessary but it is false.

 

[bèlla]

Good question.

The popular sentiment is you shouldn't date someone you're not attracted to or marry them. But we know that people do it all the time for various reasons. Excluding comfort, provision and other necessities from the argument I'll posit a possibility.

If you will to love someone you can and when you do attraction follows. You see this in arranged marriages. But it's also possible when other qualities appeal and you allow nature to take its course. And for many that's frightening.

They're supposed to like certain things because society values them.
Peer pressure and familial input may influence their decisions.
They're uncertain if their desires will change favorably towards the person.

A few years ago the Lord taught me a lesson on this topic. Attraction is largely the domain of the body, mind and heart. It's rarely spiritual or driven by that alone. This was during another reading of God is a Matchmaker by Derek Prince. That should have been a clue because I've read it twice.

Derek recounts his experiences with his wives and how they came together. In both instances the Lord orchestrated the unions. He wasn't attracted to them initially or pursuing a connection. But with prayer and counsel the marriages ensued.

When people say they want the Lord's best they usually assume He's drawing from someone they'd choose on their own but that may not be the case. The same holds true for pick my spouse requests. I've asked for my share of things but I'm very explicit. If you've seen or read Love Comes Softly you'll know why.

Nevertheless, He allowed me to experience something that was unsettling yet remarkable simultaneously. There was a guy that was really attracted to me but I wasn't interested. He loved the Lord and I enjoyed our discourse but he wasn't my type and I wasn't willing to compromise.

The Holy Spirit and I were discussing the book and the subject of will and He mentioned the person and said I could love him if I chose to. After He said it I had an overwhelming infusion of love for that person. It's indescribably beautiful but I knew it wasn't me it was His influence. And I understood what Derek experienced with his first wife. The Lord filled him with love for her but she was significantly older, adopted a lot of children and would never bear one for him but he married her and his ministry blossomed.

But I was upset. It felt like a violation but it wasn't. He was showing me I could move beyond my reservations if I was determined to do so. Not only in a romantic sense but other ways as well. The experience incited a question I spent a year contemplating. Should I have what I want? Is it fair? Am I overlooking suitors because I can? It was an interesting exploration about having it all.

Everyone has worth even when they aren't our cup of tea. It's important we remember that. Godly pairings may not resemble society's best. The person best suited to walk beside us may be the one we're overlooking. The question we need to ask is how we're bettered through their presence. Boxes are nice but they should be quantified.

For example, if you want someone attractive you must be willing to ask why it's necessary and have a concrete reason for its pursuit. If it helps your career spell it out. If the reasons are largely emotional put it down. When you scrutinize what appeals you'll find the majority doesn't contribute to your happiness, personal growth, success or spiritual maturity. Most of the things that do are internal.

Make sure you're prioritizing the qualities that enrich your person with a smattering of the other. Don't be imbalanced. Forever is a long time. You'll compromise on something. Make sure it's from the second group not the first and you'll be okay.

~bella

 

[eleos1954]

Christians date with the intentions of marriage so with that being said should a Christian person date a person they are not sexually attracted to even when they are celibate until marriage. Considering the person has good Godly qualities and they connect

Exciting sexual passion may not endure over the long haul of a marriage.

While it’s a great bonus if it comes in tandem with truly liking a person for their mind, their values, and their personality, it isn’t a successful premise in and of itself for a marriage.

 

[com7fy8]

Being attractive to you does not mean she can be a good example to bring up children.

 

[QuestionQuest74]

Being attractive to you does not mean she can be a good example to bring up children.

So attraction shouldn’t matter that much

 

[com7fy8]

So attraction shouldn’t matter that much

Well, in my case, I suspect my "attraction" to a number of women has been "lust of the eyes" and "lust of the flesh" >

"For all that is in the world---the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, the pride of life---is not of the Father but is of the world." (1 John 2:16)

Lust is not attraction in God's love. So, if it is lust, then it matters a lot, meaning it is a major anti-love problem, having me more concerned about using a woman for pleasure, instead of really loving her.

We also have, in 1 Thessalonians 4:4-5 >

"each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust" (1 Thessalonians 4:4-5).

So, in my case it has really helped me to seek to dearly love every Christian sister, first. And when there is attraction, humble it and test it, of what sort it is >

"Test all things; hold fast what is good." (1 Thessalonians 5:21)

To me, this means to make sure with God, about any attraction.

Because lust is very sneaky and it can feel so convincing - - but has a way of keeping attention away from God and loving.

In God's word there is a guy named Jacob who managed to get two wives. They were sisters and he fell hard for Rachel but could care less about Leah since she was not attractive to him and he did not love her.

Well, how did he marry Leah, then? To me, it seems her father got him drunk at the wedding party for him and Rachel, then the fsther slipped Leah in with Jacob in the dark in the tent, instead of giving him Rachel. And Jacob was too intoxicated and in the dark so he didn't know the difference. But in the morning . . . he was not happy.

But look how God handled the fact that he did not love Leah >

"When the LORD saw that Leah was unloved, He opened her womb; but Rachel was barren." (Genesis 29:31)

Even though Jacob got tricked into becoming one flesh with Leah, and even though Rachel was the one he loved . . . God expected Jacob to fully love Leah.

One preacher said God might not give you a woman who is gorgeous and smart and charming the way you want, but He will give you someone you can love.

What if a woman knows how to put on fake-up that totally looks natural? And she can do a good job of tightening her waste and add a little padding here and there. And she put some paint on her front teeth. And you marry her, intoxicated by that lust, then to discover a thing or two maybe a lot sooner than the morning.

What you have is someone you can learn how to love. This is partly what I have learned marriage is for > to learn how to share in a close relationship . . . so we can use this to help other Christians find out how to share in our Heavenly Father's family caring and sharing way.

And because ones have done otherwise, there is about a fifty-percent divorce rate among married Americans, including ones claiming to be Christians.

And, of course, God can attract you in His love; if He does, say thank You, and enjoy it but humble it. And we have God's creativity in His love; we will grow to more and better, not to less and less . . . of quality with or without quantity. Your best love life will be after you have matured in Jesus.

And all the different loving you do will be special. And there are others who are mature Christians who can help you with this. A Christian marriage includes pastors and seniors and other younger Christians to help you, because God our Father is about family.

So, you are wise not to date in a way which is isolating; and beware of attraction which is a trick to help to isolate you.

 

[Michu]

I wouldn't be too quick to dismiss a person on early impression, sexuallity is not that simple that it would boil down to this or that. There's many variables and you don't know what you would bring out of eachother. Dating should be taken lightly, don't make it out to be this big thing you're just getting to know another person and if it kicks off it kicks off. As long as there's something that is pulling you.

I happened to experience a sudden change of perception not too long ago, quite unexpectedly actually. It wasn't someone I was dating but someone who I had known for a while.

I think for me personally I prefer not having that quite early sexual attraction because that can be due to so many things and would complicate getting to know eachother. You would rather have it stemming from the other things that you have together.

So don't look at it from the angle "is this my future wife / husband", but just someone to get abit more familiar with.