Schizophrenia isnt fun

[Neostarwcc]

So I was born schizophrenic and found out I also have Bipolar Disorder when i reached my early 20s. I'm now almost 40 (will be 38 in June). Having schizo-affective disorder (Schizophrenia with another mood disorder) has made me feel alienated from the world. Yes, there are other schizophrenic people out there who also have bipolar disorder or developed bipolar disorder later in life. But it feels like I'm the only one that gets psychotic and manic episodes at the same time and the less I sleep due to mania, the more psychotic I get. It's like having the worst of both worlds and I get manic/psychotic at least a few times a year. Often for months at a time. The longest episode I ever had lasted a little over a year.

I learned the hard way to take my meds though. About six years ago I had a massive psychotic/manic episode which lasted for a few months but it was the worst episode I ever had. I attacked my wife multiple times during the episode once where if my dog hadn't intervened (he went right after me after I attacked her in front of him) I might have killed her. While I don't remember most of the episode I do remember attacking her a few times and blacking out and I do remember the time our dog well... protected her.


I can't unsee or unremember it and I remember I attacked her because I thought she was the devil. She stuck with/by me because she knew i wasnt of sound mind when I attacked her. But, i still wish i could forget what i did to her and the fact that i almost killed her.

Needless to say I had to be hospitalized for that attack and I started to get better in the mental hospital. I also learned to take my meds from that point on and I haven't had an episode like that one since.


its been 6 years since that frightening episode and i would NEVER hurt my wife in any way, shape, or form like my drunken father abused me for almost 30 years.

Luckily even when not medicated I only hallucinate or hear voices during psychosis. And now that I'm medicated I only get psychotic/manic a few times a year. My greatest fear is to be locked in a mental ward for life or getting another episode like that one. I live constantly in fear of that everyday because I know that I can be dangerous at times. Especially when not taking my antipsychotics.

So why am I telling everyone this? Idk. I'm just chatty and I'm just hoping that somewhere out there there's another psychotic person out there like me. Or a skilled doctor that understands because most psychiatrists might have a basic idea of whats going on but it feels like even doctors cant understand what its like to completely lose your mind. I'm hoping they share my same fears because I never laid a single finger on my wife EVER when i've been in a sound mind. She stayed with me because I couldn't help it and I didn't recognize who she was or who I was or anybody really. It's extremely scary to be schizophrenic because sometimes you completely lose touch with reality. And that can be scary because you never know which episode is going to land you in a mental hospital. Or worse, when you're in a mental hospital and they try to convince you you're only there temporarily or worse permanently. You never believe them because I think of you are permanently in a hospital they're not going to say "you're not ever getting out."


Or worse. What if I completely forget about my wife and family and they visit me in a hospital and I dont even know who they are? Or if I think everyone close to me is either divine or demonic again? I'm hoping somebody out there understands or at least sympathizes.


Yes, mental hospitals are necessary but this isn't the 1940s when people like me were permanently locked away from their friends and family because they were well... dangerous. We have medication for that now but I just can't help but think about my ex GF who was in and out of mental hospitals her whole life. Now she's in Prison (she's getting out in a year or two from now for the second time) and she's been completely isolated from her family. Just because she needs that mental help and needs to serve her time.


Just... scary is all. Its really scary.

 

[Chrystal-J]

Thank you for sharing your story.

 

[ryan irving]

So I was born schizophrenic and found out I also have Bipolar Disorder when i reached my early 20s. I'm now almost 40 (will be 38 in June). Having schizo-affective disorder (Schizophrenia with another mood disorder) has made me feel alienated from the world. Yes, there are other schizophrenic people out there who also have bipolar disorder or developed bipolar disorder later in life. But it feels like I'm the only one that gets psychotic and manic episodes at the same time and the less I sleep due to mania, the more psychotic I get. It's like having the worst of both worlds and I get manic/psychotic at least a few times a year. Often for months at a time. The longest episode I ever had lasted a little over a year.

I learned the hard way to take my meds though. About six years ago I had a massive psychotic/manic episode which lasted for a few months but it was the worst episode I ever had. I attacked my wife multiple times during the episode once where if my dog hadn't intervened (he went right after me after I attacked her in front of him) I might have killed her. While I don't remember most of the episode I do remember attacking her a few times and blacking out and I do remember the time our dog well... protected her.


I can't unsee or unremember it and I remember I attacked her because I thought she was the devil. She stuck with/by me because she knew i wasnt of sound mind when I attacked her. But, i still wish i could forget what i did to her and the fact that i almost killed her.

Needless to say I had to be hospitalized for that attack and I started to get better in the mental hospital. I also learned to take my meds from that point on and I haven't had an episode like that one since.


its been 6 years since that frightening episode and i would NEVER hurt my wife in any way, shape, or form like my drunken father abused me for almost 30 years.

Luckily even when not medicated I only hallucinate or hear voices during psychosis. And now that I'm medicated I only get psychotic/manic a few times a year. My greatest fear is to be locked in a mental ward for life or getting another episode like that one. I live constantly in fear of that everyday because I know that I can be dangerous at times. Especially when not taking my antipsychotics.

So why am I telling everyone this? Idk. I'm just chatty and I'm just hoping that somewhere out there there's another psychotic person out there like me. Or a skilled doctor that understands because most psychiatrists might have a basic idea of whats going on but it feels like even doctors cant understand what its like to completely lose your mind. I'm hoping they share my same fears because I never laid a single finger on my wife EVER when i've been in a sound mind. She stayed with me because I couldn't help it and I didn't recognize who she was or who I was or anybody really. It's extremely scary to be schizophrenic because sometimes you completely lose touch with reality. And that can be scary because you never know which episode is going to land you in a mental hospital. Or worse, when you're in a mental hospital and they try to convince you you're only there temporarily or worse permanently. You never believe them because I think of you are permanently in a hospital they're not going to say "you're not ever getting out."


Or worse. What if I completely forget about my wife and family and they visit me in a hospital and I dont even know who they are? Or if I think everyone close to me is either divine or demonic again? I'm hoping somebody out there understands or at least sympathizes.


Yes, mental hospitals are necessary but this isn't the 1940s when people like me were permanently locked away from their friends and family because they were well... dangerous. We have medication for that now but I just can't help but think about my ex GF who was in and out of mental hospitals her whole life. Now she's in Prison (she's getting out in a year or two from now for the second time) and she's been completely isolated from her family. Just because she needs that mental help and needs to serve her time.


Just... scary is all. Its really scary.

Boy am I feeling for you bud. i hope you havent lost hope and that you understand solidly (like you said) that you would never hurt your wife intentionally. I want you to know that i believe you. I have psychosis. I have shared sensations and experiences and sometimes when i get frustrated I lose control of the experience and sometimes accidentally have a thought that hurts Jesus. I don't want it to happen, I just want to pray or calm down but my shared experience takes a life of its own and all I can do is run and hide. I've been dealing with this for months. its a nightmare. I have such little autonomy over my fears that yesterday I accidentally slapped Jesus and I had to devote the remainder of my resources and day understanding that I didnt will that. Boy after something like that it makes you self condemn almost immediately. Please dont have a guilty conscience or self condemn. You are a good person. believe it...

 

[Neostarwcc]

Boy am I feeling for you bud. i hope you havent lost hope and that you understand solidly (like you said) that you would never hurt your wife intentionally. I want you to know that i believe you. I have psychosis. I have shared sensations and experiences and sometimes when i get frustrated I lose control of the experience and sometimes accidentally have a thought that hurts Jesus. I don't want it to happen, I just want to pray or calm down but my shared experience takes a life of its own and all I can do is run and hide. I've been dealing with this for months. its a nightmare. I have such little autonomy over my fears that yesterday I accidentally slapped Jesus and I had to devote the remainder of my resources and day understanding that I didnt will that. Boy after something like that it makes you self condemn almost immediately. Please dont have a guilty conscience or self condemn. You are a good person. believe it...

Hey! Thanks! I'm glad there's somebody out there that's going through the same thing! It's great to know that somebody else knows what I'm going through and believes that I didn't intend to hurt my wife. She knows it too or she wouldn't have stayed with me. I definitely was not in a sound mind when I hurt her and was completely absent from reality. Even the hospital that had to treat me believed me that I wasn't at fault and didn't know what I was doing but they were like "you hurt her so you're going to be here for at least a week until you get better".

Anyway, thanks I know I'm a good person. You made my day by reaching out. Thank you.