I posted this in Requests for Christian advice but I wanted to also post in a relationship advice forum too.
I know the age old question of "how far is too far" isn't the question to be asking, but rather more like, "how can I honor God in this relationship?" And I tell you what, I am STRUGGLING. My boyfriend and I don't even kiss because it's too much of a temptation. Which is fine, but I get stuck on hugs. Sitting (NOT lying down) on the couch hugging, and then BAM, impure thoughts that I want to make out with him. Or even hugging in the kitchen! BAM, impure thoughts. I read somewhere that we're not supposed to intentionally cause ourselves to lust. How on EARTH am I supposed to show him SOME KIND of physical affection? What thoughts are part of normal desire, and what is lust? Even Dr. Dobson of Focus on the Family puts kissing BEFORE the marriage boundary. And my boyfriend and I don't even do that. I'm just sick and tired of constantly feeling guilty over a HUG.
I brought this up to my therapist, who herself is a Christian. And she said along the lines of maybe there's a space to recognize, "I'm having this feeling of being aroused, but I'm CHOOSING not to actually do anything about it" (as in, actually having sex or making out). Because arousal I don't think is a sin, it's a bodily function. Nor do I think attraction is a sin. And if we're supposed to avoid every situation that makes it easy to have bad thoughts, then according to my boyfriend I can't even be in the same room as him. (And also, maybe there's situations where we go to church or the store and see an attractive man or woman and have these thoughts, are we supposed to just stay home all the time since it causes bad thoughts?)
Lastly, growing up, my grandparents would give each other a quick kiss when they got home, and I would argue that it wasn't sexual. Or even in France, they kiss each other all the time. Maybe one or the other had a few fleeting thoughts when it happens, but is it possible to recognize the thoughts and have self control to not take it to the next level? If we're supposed to avoid the situations, then I can't even look at my boyfriend. So, I want to know if there's some level of affection that I can give him. And I also want to know how to stop over thinking it because it's DEFINITELY causing a strain on the relationship. I can't hug him or anything without being worried.
I know the age old question of "how far is too far" isn't the question to be asking, but rather more like, "how can I honor God in this relationship?" And I tell you what, I am STRUGGLING. My boyfriend and I don't even kiss because it's too much of a temptation. Which is fine, but I get stuck on hugs. Sitting (NOT lying down) on the couch hugging, and then BAM, impure thoughts that I want to make out with him. Or even hugging in the kitchen! BAM, impure thoughts. I read somewhere that we're not supposed to intentionally cause ourselves to lust. How on EARTH am I supposed to show him SOME KIND of physical affection? What thoughts are part of normal desire, and what is lust? Even Dr. Dobson of Focus on the Family puts kissing BEFORE the marriage boundary. And my boyfriend and I don't even do that. I'm just sick and tired of constantly feeling guilty over a HUG.
I brought this up to my therapist, who herself is a Christian. And she said along the lines of maybe there's a space to recognize, "I'm having this feeling of being aroused, but I'm CHOOSING not to actually do anything about it" (as in, actually having sex or making out). Because arousal I don't think is a sin, it's a bodily function. Nor do I think attraction is a sin. And if we're supposed to avoid every situation that makes it easy to have bad thoughts, then according to my boyfriend I can't even be in the same room as him. (And also, maybe there's situations where we go to church or the store and see an attractive man or woman and have these thoughts, are we supposed to just stay home all the time since it causes bad thoughts?)
Lastly, growing up, my grandparents would give each other a quick kiss when they got home, and I would argue that it wasn't sexual. Or even in France, they kiss each other all the time. Maybe one or the other had a few fleeting thoughts when it happens, but is it possible to recognize the thoughts and have self control to not take it to the next level? If we're supposed to avoid the situations, then I can't even look at my boyfriend. So, I want to know if there's some level of affection that I can give him. And I also want to know how to stop over thinking it because it's DEFINITELY causing a strain on the relationship. I can't hug him or anything without being worried.