Physical Abuse?

[Heartofsilver]

Hello everyone,

I was sitting on the couch at my fiancee's parent's one day and I playfully punched him on the arm and I started to notice that his parents were looking at me weird and my fiance asked what I was doing. And then I ended up doing it again he said to stop hitting him. And I said oh I was just playfully doing that. It wasn't like I trying to seriously hit him, hit him and they acted like what I was doing was physically abusive and they explain you're hitting our son and they were trying tell me that what I was doing was wrong and I said ok well I didn't know it was wrong . So, then I apologized and I haven't done it since. I did explain to them though, that I thought it was strange that they saw that as physical abuse because, I would do that to my guy friends and they would do to me at times. It seems that they still haven't forgiven me, they have reminded me of it, and hold it over my head when I have said that I have never hit him. I don't count it, yet it seems that they still do.

 

[Religiot]

Hello everyone,

I was sitting on the couch at my fiancee's parent's one day and I playfully punched him on the arm and I started to notice that his parents were looking at me weird and my fiance asked what I was doing. And then I ended up doing it again he said to stop hitting him. And I said oh I was just playfully doing that. It wasn't like I trying to seriously hit him, hit him and they acted like what I was doing was physically abusive and they explain you're hitting our son and they were trying tell me that what I was doing was wrong and I said ok well I didn't know it was wrong . So, then I apologized and I haven't done it since. I did explain to them though, that I thought it was strange that they saw that as physical abuse because, I would do that to my guy friends and they would do to me at times. It seems that they still haven't forgiven me, they have reminded me of it, and hold it over my head when I have said that I have never hit him. I don't count it, yet it seems that they still do.

You don't agree that it's wrong, so how could you repent?

They need for you to agree with them, then they can forgive you.

It's that simple.

PS: I do agree with you, that their consideration of what you did as abuse, is strange.

 

[public hermit]

Hello everyone,

I was sitting on the couch at my fiancee's parent's one day and I playfully punched him on the arm and I started to notice that his parents were looking at me weird and my fiance asked what I was doing. And then I ended up doing it again he said to stop hitting him. And I said oh I was just playfully doing that. It wasn't like I trying to seriously hit him, hit him and they acted like what I was doing was physically abusive and they explain you're hitting our son and they were trying tell me that what I was doing was wrong and I said ok well I didn't know it was wrong . So, then I apologized and I haven't done it since. I did explain to them though, that I thought it was strange that they saw that as physical abuse because, I would do that to my guy friends and they would do to me at times. It seems that they still haven't forgiven me, they have reminded me of it, and hold it over my head when I have said that I have never hit him. I don't count it, yet it seems that they still do.

Yeah, that sounds like a huge misunderstanding. Obviously, you would refrain from playfully hitting, at this point. I think time is your friend here. Let them see that it was a one off. In time they will feel ashamed they even considered the possibility. I think you should give it time.

 

[Par5]

Hello everyone,

I was sitting on the couch at my fiancee's parent's one day and I playfully punched him on the arm and I started to notice that his parents were looking at me weird and my fiance asked what I was doing. And then I ended up doing it again he said to stop hitting him. And I said oh I was just playfully doing that. It wasn't like I trying to seriously hit him, hit him and they acted like what I was doing was physically abusive and they explain you're hitting our son and they were trying tell me that what I was doing was wrong and I said ok well I didn't know it was wrong . So, then I apologized and I haven't done it since. I did explain to them though, that I thought it was strange that they saw that as physical abuse because, I would do that to my guy friends and they would do to me at times. It seems that they still haven't forgiven me, they have reminded me of it, and hold it over my head when I have said that I have never hit him. I don't count it, yet it seems that they still do.

No indication that your boyfriend defended you against his parent's rather snowflake objection to your playful action.
Get a new boyfriend!

 

[Aussie Pete]

Hello everyone,

I was sitting on the couch at my fiancee's parent's one day and I playfully punched him on the arm and I started to notice that his parents were looking at me weird and my fiance asked what I was doing. And then I ended up doing it again he said to stop hitting him. And I said oh I was just playfully doing that. It wasn't like I trying to seriously hit him, hit him and they acted like what I was doing was physically abusive and they explain you're hitting our son and they were trying tell me that what I was doing was wrong and I said ok well I didn't know it was wrong . So, then I apologized and I haven't done it since. I did explain to them though, that I thought it was strange that they saw that as physical abuse because, I would do that to my guy friends and they would do to me at times. It seems that they still haven't forgiven me, they have reminded me of it, and hold it over my head when I have said that I have never hit him. I don't count it, yet it seems that they still do.

We live in crazy times. Every male is presumed to be a wife/gf basher and paedophile. Anyone even remotely conservative is considered a Nazi (even though the Nazi's were socialist). Anyone who rejects progressive philosophy is a dangerous psychopath. Some of us thought that Marxist/Leninist doctrine was proven to be flawed and was defeated when the Berlin Wall came down. We were wrong. We have been outwitted.

 

[topher694]

They need for you to agree with them, then they can forgive you.

This is not forgiveness and not healthy.

Hello everyone,

I was sitting on the couch at my fiancee's parent's one day and I playfully punched him on the arm and I started to notice that his parents were looking at me weird and my fiance asked what I was doing. And then I ended up doing it again he said to stop hitting him. And I said oh I was just playfully doing that. It wasn't like I trying to seriously hit him, hit him and they acted like what I was doing was physically abusive and they explain you're hitting our son and they were trying tell me that what I was doing was wrong and I said ok well I didn't know it was wrong . So, then I apologized and I haven't done it since. I did explain to them though, that I thought it was strange that they saw that as physical abuse because, I would do that to my guy friends and they would do to me at times. It seems that they still haven't forgiven me, they have reminded me of it, and hold it over my head when I have said that I have never hit him. I don't count it, yet it seems that they still do.

If things are as you describe, there are red flags here. It's worth prayerfully considering and having a frank discussion with your boyfriend. Ignoring it won't make it go away, it will eventually make it worse.

 

[Heartofsilver]

You don't agree that it's wrong, so how could you repent?

They need for you to agree with them, then they can forgive you.

It's that simple.

PS: I do agree with you, that their consideration of what you did as abuse, is strange.

Hello Religiot,

I have repented by not repeating the action. That also isn't true about agreeing to have forgiveness. I have disagreed or others have disagreed and yet I still forgave through Christ. Yes, I am still not completely sure why they reacted that way other than they are very protective of their son, since he was born premature. I do feel like they are overly protective at times. I also wonder if his parent's reaction startled him and so, he simply sided with them due to his anxiety and asbergers. Also, his family recently became liberals after Trump got elected. So, they have drastically changed their perspective, opinions, and party. I have noticed that there are many restrictive ideas, censorship, cancel culture, etc involved in leftist culture today. I also noticed that they have high boundaries since, his dad had been abused as a child and his mom watched her mom be abused by her dad. So, I do see why they have high boundaries, especially since I know what it is like to abused.

 

[Heartofsilver]

This is not forgiveness and not healthy.



If things are as you describe, there are red flags here. It's worth prayerfully considering and having a frank discussion with your boyfriend. Ignoring it won't make it go away, it will eventually make it worse.

Hello Topher694,

Thank you for the advice, my fiancee and I will be going to a couples therapist soon to discuss this and other issues and other things that could become issues. I know that he has a hard time standing up for himself and me. He does stand up for us sometimes, but other times he is too anxious. I know that his parents mean well and they are good, kind people. Though sometimes they take things too far when it comes to their son and politics in my opinion.

 

[coffee4u]

Given that he did not defend you, his thoughts are like his parents. Time to find out what other strange or extreme views he holds. If he is already your fiancee I would say discovering this is long overdue. You really need to know the person before you accept an engagement ring. So something like this -his reaction to playful behavior you should have already known before the proposal. I would tread carefully. Once you are married you are married for life and it's very important-VERY IMPORTANT- that your husband cleaves to you and defends you over his parents. The wife should take top place with his parents below that. Way too many men have it the other way around and that wife is in for a miserable time anytime anything crops up with the in-laws.

 

[jacks]

Is it possible that he (or someone close to the family) was abused by a former girlfriend and that's why everyone is over reacting? It does seem strange.

 

[Religiot]

Hello Religiot,

I have repented by not repeating the action. That also isn't true about agreeing to have forgiveness. I have disagreed or others have disagreed and yet I still forgave through Christ. Yes, I am still not completely sure why they reacted that way other than they are very protective of their son, since he was born premature. I do feel like they are overly protective at times. I also wonder if his parent's reaction startled him and so, he simply sided with them due to his anxiety and asbergers. Also, his family recently became liberals after Trump got elected. So, they have drastically changed their perspective, opinions, and party. I have noticed that there are many restrictive ideas, censorship, cancel culture, etc involved in leftist culture today. I also noticed that they have high boundaries since, his dad had been abused as a child and his mom watched her mom be abused by her dad. So, I do see why they have high boundaries, especially since I know what it is like to abused.

I was just guessing as to why they didn't forgive you.

 

[Heartofsilver]

Is it possible that he (or someone close to the family) was abused by a former girlfriend and that's why everyone is over reacting? It does seem strange.

Yes, that is true you just reminded me that his last girlfriend was mentally/emotionally abusive to him and she had a lot of personal issues. I brought up the playfully punching his arm incident to my fiancee last night and he acted like he didn't want to bring up it up in therapy, told me to stop judging him, talking down to him, and then he revealed that, since I have been abused they are worried that I can become his abuser. I have never in my life been accused of being physically abusive until now. I do feel very ashamed of being abused by my parent's even more so now. I have no control over what has happened to me in the past by the hands of others. I also don't have any control of what they think of me.

Later that night he did apologize for his behavior and thanked me for being honest with him. The reason why I brought it up to him was ,because when we went through premarital counseling together I had forgotten a few times to mention that I was going to bring up certain things in therapy, so I felt bad. I also couldn't stop thinking about it, so I told him earlier then expected. I also apologized to him for talking down to him, not realizing that I was. I just knew that I felt angry after he accused me of judging him. We are about to see our couple's therapist for the first time soon, so please pray for us and for those sessions.

 

[Dr. Gluckenstein]

Wow. When people do that, to me, it seems like they're trying to be overdramatic, but if they truly don't know, of course, that's a different story. I've noticed, too, that being raised around people who were really rough on me, that I have some tendencies to expect my boyfriend to be that way, but he's actually a really gentle spirit (which I was too, until I started to get hurt and messed with when I was younger). For me, personally, I've had to consciously make the effort to try to be slower and more gentle sometimes. Sometimes I feel like a ball of spaghetti! I've also been through abuse and it makes it really hard to slow down my nerve spasms and muscle movements, and I'll end up bumping into him a lot and doing other clumsy things! Just make sure you apologize and try to be more careful!

 

[coffee4u]

Wow. When people do that, to me, it seems like they're trying to be overdramatic, but if they truly don't know, of course, that's a different story. I've noticed, too, that being raised around people who were really rough on me, that I have some tendencies to expect my boyfriend to be that way, but he's actually a really gentle spirit (which I was too, until I started to get hurt and messed with when I was younger). For me, personally, I've had to consciously make the effort to try to be slower and more gentle sometimes. Sometimes I feel like a ball of spaghetti! I've also been through abuse and it makes it really hard to slow down my nerve spasms and muscle movements, and I'll end up bumping into him a lot and doing other clumsy things! Just make sure you apologize and try to be more careful!

But you are aware of it, that's the first step and you are working on it, the next step. I would pray about it too -which you may already be doing. I hope there will come a time that being gentle becomes second nature to you. Remember you are worth just as much as everybody else.
Isaiah 43:2-3a: When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God.