My Story

[sunshineflowers]

In January 2005 I became a call girl. The first time I did it I cried all night. The 3rd time I was beaten up and raped. Still I continued to do it. I could NOT quit. I wasn't desperate for money or anything, I was actually in college at the time.

I lost the only friend I had at the time the morning I was raped. He was my friend online and had been for years.

I asked him for help and he totally rejected me. This same friend had been my best friend, the person I felt closest to on Earth until almost a year earlier when he informed me that he "never liked" me or "considered us friends" because we were "only internet friends" and told me that I had lied about being abused as a child to "get" his "attention/affection." Funny, because I don't recall having ever gotten it.

Stuff just got worse from there.

I quit being a call girl 5 years ago. I STILL have constant nightmares about prostituting myself. I literally feel hands on me

I am a Catholic and am trying to be true to my faith now. I pray all the time to be able to forgive myself.

 

[the.Sheepdog]

welcome to CF dear one. Please know that all that is in the past and no one can ever bring it up again. The pain you suffered may be with you a while but you will never have to or need to revisit it again.

Our Lord and Savior is here for you. It's been said that you never know that Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have.

Their are several places in recovery for you and you are welcomed in all of the forums. Recovery members will love you and will pray for you and with you.

You can find some of the best friends you ever had here. Welcome to Recovery and welcome to CF.

 

[New Creation]

Hi SunshineFlowers. I love your username. Most people choose very dark or cryptic names here but yours is very optimistic. Either that or it's ironic and I totally missed the point.

My name is Paula and I was a stripper for about 15 years. I prostituted a few times only but I remember each occassion vividly. I try to not think about those occassions at all. I am sorry that you are struggling so much with your past. Forgiving oneself is really the hardest part of all I think. I struggled with forgiveness for myself for aborting my child which happened over 2 decades ago, so I understand the difficulty of self-forgiveness.

It can be a long process but it can happen. Christ will give us the grace we need to overcome and to glorify Him in the process. I am a brand new Catholic- just became one a year ago this Easter and my faith has done so much for me. I thank God so much for the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Do you take advantage of that Sacrament much Sunshine? Do you have any friends at Church and what is your life like now?

Welcome to the forum dear sister. You will find non-judgemental friends here. We are glad to meet you.

 

[RuthD]

Welcome SunshineFlowers, It's nice to meet you here. I can relate to some of what you have gone through. Time heals all wounds and God makes that happen. I pray for you to be healed from the abuse. God bless you.

 

[gideon army]

. I pray all the time to be able to forgive myself.

Hi there Sunshine of our Lord's Dearly Beloved ,

You needn't 'try' nor 'pray' to forgive yourself as Christ via HIS once Perfect Offering of Himself on that scourging post whipped till not one iota shred of skin left of His body has paid for you Much more than your entire life sins on His Own Body Nailed to that Cross.

Must give you Scriptures for what i've said yes? There you go:-

2 Corinthians 5:21

21For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.​

​

When an Israelite brings an animal as his sin offering, he lays his hand on it before killing it. (Leviticus 4:1–4) By laying his hand on the sin offering, his sins are transferred to the innocent animal. The animal dies for his sins and he goes free.

In contrast, during the burnt offering, when the Israelite lays his hand on the animal (Leviticus 1:3–4), the beauty, worthiness and acceptance of the unblemished animal are transferred to him. God accepts the perfection of the animal sacrifice on his behalf to make atonement for him. Because God accepts the unblemished burnt offering, the offerer now has right standing before God.​

Do you know that the two offerings speak of Jesus’ one offering of Himself when He hung on the cross? He is both our sin offering and burnt offering — “For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us [as our sin offering], that we might become the righteousness of God in Him [as our burnt offering]”. The moment you put your faith in Him, just by His one sacrifice, your sins were transferred to Him, and His righteousness was transferred to you. That is the grace of God toward you!​

As our sin offering, He offered Himself once and for all. (Romans 6:10) The sin offering was never a daily offering because God does not want His people to be sin-conscious. However, the burnt offering was both a morning and evening sacrifice (2 Chronicles 13:11) because God wants His people to be righteousness-conscious.​

Beloved, God wants you to lay claim daily to Jesus as your burnt offering and say, “Father, I thank You that Jesus is my burnt offering. All that Jesus is before You — His righteousness, excellence, beauty and perfection — has been transferred to me. Jesus has Your unclouded favor, so I enjoy Your unclouded favor in my life. Jesus is the righteousness of God, so I am the righteousness of God in Christ. As He is before You, so am I.” ​

Because Jesus became your burnt offering, what He is to the Father today, you are! That is what it means to be in Christ.​

1 Corinthians 1:30​

30But of Him you are in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God — and righteousness and sanctification and redemption —

​

When the devil accuses us of having done wrong and tells us that we don’t deserve God’s blessings, what should we do? Well, the Lord showed me one day what we are to do. We are to point everything back to Jesus, who qualifies us for all of God’s blessings.

So when the devil says, “You are not righteous enough,” just look to Jesus and declare, “He is my righteousness!”​

When the devil says, “You are not holy enough,” just look to Jesus and declare, “He is my sanctification!”​

When the devil says, “You don’t deserve to be healed,” just look to Jesus and declare, “By His stripes I am healed!”​

When the devil says, “You don’t qualify for the blessing,” just look to Jesus and declare, “He is my qualification!”​

Each time you point everything back to Jesus, the devil has nothing to say because Jesus qualifies you for all of God’s blessings. In and of yourself, you do not qualify. Without Christ, there is nothing good in you which can qualify you.​

But with Christ, your disqualification becomes your qualification for the undeserved, unearned and unmerited blessings of God. And because God puts your life in Christ (Colossians 3:3), who is the all-deserving one, you become all-deserving. Because you are in Christ, you are qualified.​

Jesus qualifies you because He died for you and gave you a blood-bought right to every blessing of God. You have a blood-bought right to a life full of meaning, purpose and abundance. You have a blood-bought right to walk in divine health. You have a blood-bought right to prosperity even when the economy is bad. You have a blood-bought right to preferential treatment because God favors you. You have a blood-bought right to the good life!​

My friend, you have a right to all these blessings not because you are good, but because Jesus shed His blood and qualified you to have them. So don’t let the devil or anyone tell you that you can’t expect to walk in the blessings of God!​

 

[Criada]

Welcome, SunshineFlowers.
Thank you for sharing your story, I am sure that wasn't easy.
I am glad that you have found this forum, I hope that talking to others here and hearing how they have learned to forgive them selves and others and move on in their faith will help you.

 

[annrobert]

In January 2005 I became a call girl. The first time I did it I cried all night. The 3rd time I was beaten up and raped. Still I continued to do it. I could NOT quit. I wasn't desperate for money or anything, I was actually in college at the time.

I lost the only friend I had at the time the morning I was raped. He was my friend online and had been for years.

I asked him for help and he totally rejected me. This same friend had been my best friend, the person I felt closest to on Earth until almost a year earlier when he informed me that he "never liked" me or "considered us friends" because we were "only internet friends" and told me that I had lied about being abused as a child to "get" his "attention/affection." Funny, because I don't recall having ever gotten it.

Stuff just got worse from there.

I quit being a call girl 5 years ago. I STILL have constant nightmares about prostituting myself. I literally feel hands on me

I am a Catholic and am trying to be true to my faith now. I pray all the time to be able to forgive myself.

Welcome Sunshine flowers,
I hope you receive lots of support and help and love here and I am sure you will as there are many kind and caring people here.
I am so sorry for the pain you have been through.
I hope you know how very very deeply Jesus loves you and always will.
The Lord Jesus is our healer and He washes away our sins and makes all things new.
love and hugs
Psalm 23


1The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

 

[sunshineflowers]

Thank you all for being so kind.

I haven't been online since posting my story as I've been struggling and thuis avoiding others, but again, thank you.

Oh, and my username is non-ironic.

 

[Criada]

Good to 'see' you again, sweetie.
I know sometimes it's easier to just withdraw.... we're here when you feel like talking.

 

[sunshineflowers]

I have tried many times to finish my story, but I cannot. During the time I was in the sex industry I was still very lonely in my "normal" life and sook out friends on the internet. The ones I found were not nice people. They have been stalking and harassing me off and on for years through phone calls and letters and spamming places I go online. I'm afraid they'll stumble across anything I say here. They do not know I was a prostitute and I don't want them too.

 

[Brother_Mark]

sunshineflowers,

Please know that you are on our prayer list. We will pray for you daily.

Remember that the Son died for you, and you possess, as a Christian this so-great Salvation! It is a gift you can never loose.

In time, forgive yourself. Remember that the past ... IS PAST.

Put all your cares on Him.

We are all praying for you.

In Christ,
Brother Mark +

 

[sunshineflowers]

Thank you for your reply. The gift that Jesus gave me makes what I did t myself even more difficult to handle. It feels like I spit in his face or something.

 

[New Creation]

Dearest sister, we have ALL spit in the face of Christ because we sin continually. That doesn't make it right, but Jesus is a merciful God. He loves you and understands your heart. He has forgiven you. You must attempt to do the same.

 

[ServantofGod10]

I praying for you. I agree with the poster above that we ALL have spat in His face. None of us are worthy of His love and it's by His grace that we are saved! Satan wants you to feel guilty, but if you have confessed your sins, you can be sure that they are forgiven (1 John 1:9)!! There is no need to dwell on past sins because He remembers our sins no more. We are washed clean by His blood on the cross. Pray that God will give you the fruit of the Spirit and that does not include guilt. I've felt guilty for many things and still feel guilty when I sin, but I know that the Lord does not want us to feel guilty. He wants us to change and ask for forgiveness. You have done that, right? Then be free!

Blessings to you. I am praying for you!!

 

[GoldenKingGaze]

Dear Sunshineflowers, in your story, you don't say why if not for need of money you chose the sinful path.

I recommend you go in this forum to congregations and since you are Catholic, go to Catholic Charismatic Renewal, and they know intercession, about spiritual gifts, Jesus blood...

Fr Emeliano Tardiff M.S.C. was charismatic and went into a brothel led by the Spirit, and they came out repentant.

Gifts, are insightful, meet you where you are at, lift you up, give hope and courage. Looking at words of knowledge.

Fr Emeliano would often teach, the Truth will set you free. And The ones like Mary Magdalen who repent, become fast runners, she was the first to the tomb of Jesus.
The Catholic church has the sacraments, and charisms, some say they focus on just the sacraments, but really you need a balance of the sacraments and charisms.
He also preached on not fearing God's finger as it moves upon you.

Linda Shubert is a Catholic Charismatic, and has a story of inner healings... she preaches on one to one prayer, and says, it's all the prayers along the way that makes the difference.

The living water was for the Samaritan woman, and if your drink it, it will refresh parched places in you heart. You need not be like her, but she had no embarrasment, her testimony was good, despite sin.

Also Jesus knew her secrets... He didn't correct her, he lifted shame off her and gave her life. Shame kills the soul. Living water is His presence and gives life. Inner power for friendship with God.

And we have Jesus blood, I had a little of each. A must that it be in quite and prayer. It washes sin away, guilt away, gives justice to the heart, and is a life concept, and is a presence, with power for holiness and honour. Fears are gone.

Some prefer to be easy going, I prefer restorations. To ask for honour and holiness, love and justice, more than before sin.

But one of the first things is to recive God's love for you as in Romans 5:5, serious pursuit. That regardless of sin or present conditions, God loves you, The angels watch that, for they will never know that part of being loves, despite sin. Waves of a Father's unconditional love.

 

[DreamOutLoud]

Try to forget about the past. You can't turn back the years but you CAN start new life! Find new friends - join a language course, dance lessons, Bible reading in church... Something new that you'll enjoy. That may help you.

If you need somebody to talk, just pm me.

God bless you

 

[Daveithai]

Awww, sweetheart, you are so, so brave.

Healing after child abuse is one of the hardest things to overcome, a lot of us end up in similar situations, and yeah I truly understand how much it hurts to be betrayed by close friends.... and being a victim of stalkers.

The most important thing is that you're back on the right track now and seeking a better way. Don't hang on to the guilt, what's past is past. It's the future that matters.

If you want to be friends, I'd like that.

Bless you. D. x