Hey there fellow Christians,
This might be a tad long and detailed so please bear with me. I want to lay out all of the facts with the hope someone will offer an unbiased/impartial input. Brace yourselves for a descriptive read...
My now girlfriend and I met on a dating app (Christians Dating For Free aka CDFF) designed specifically for Christians during January of 2020. It was around the time when the first COVID cases were announced. She messaged me privately saying she would like to chat with me and I gladly accepted. Her country of origin & residence is Indonesia and I was born and bred in Bulgaria, however, I have been living in London, England for just under 12 years now.
After a few days of us exchanging messages on the app I asked her to add my number on WhatsApp and we continued texting there. At the end of January 2020 I insisted that we have a video call which we did. My first impression of her was that she appeared nervous, slightly awkward but had a will to talk to me. We shared stories, predominantly of our faith and also of our daily lives. During the next few months we became close and would talk before I'm off to bed and just after she'd have woken up. There was plenty of spare time on our hands due to the lockdown so we just talked. Her background is geodesy and my is nursing. During the stage of getting to know one another I mistakenly spoke at length regarding my past relationship, which was also a Long Distance Relationship (LDR). I lied to her that I dated a girl from London with whom I've had sex. Everything else was true but having had sex and the ex being in the same city as me were lies. I was still a virgin and I travelled exnesively to meet the ex at her home country. At the time I thought nothing of it because I was not considering anything serious with her.
She's always had one admirer in the background who had never stopped badgering her with requests to get together with him and be his girlfriend. He is a muslim and that was the reason why she never gave him the chance. Whilst we were talking in 2020, she posted a pic of me on her WhatsApp account just to make him mad and jealous which worked to her advantage. He was enraged and demanded to know from her who I am, why is she texting me, how can she play with his feelings etc. She would share all of those with me and laugh at his expense. I am mentioning him here because he'll become important later on in the story.
Fast forward to May of 2020 and she confessed to have feelings for me. She openly admitted that she loves me and I said it back even though it was not true. Our topics became personal and we got to know each other fundamentally well. There was a streak of a couple of months (July-September 2020) when we would fight & argue a lot, I made her cry and she acted slightly unreasonable. I told her we shouldn't talk anymore and proceeded to block her.
In the middle of August 2022 I reopened her chat on messenger and sent her a quick text, asking her how she's been doing, what has been up to. I thought she will never reply based on how I acted and behaved previously, but she responded and not only that but she was positive. I apologised to her profusely, saying that am deeply sorry about how I ended things, that I will never leave her again. It's like we've never been apart for those 2 years. I even told her I want to go to Indonesia and meet her in the flesh. She gladly agreed that if we'll be serious we should have a meeting in person etc. We got back to our old ways of talking a lot ad averaged 4h conversations every single day for months, until I flew to Indonesia on the 27th of December, 2022 and met her. It was better than I anticipated and by that moment I was already in love with her. We had told each other that we love one another and that was before I flew to meet her. We even said that every single day during all of the days of November & December, 2022.
Her and I went touring around Jakarta, having lots of fun and going on boat rides, climbing hills, visiting islands. I took her to the island she wanted to visit so much. She seemed to be madly in love with me and I loved her to bits as well. Whilst there, I held her hands and apologised again for leaving her in the past, telling her I will take her with me to London by 2024 and that I will be back to see her in April of this year.
When I came back to London the first time I changed my job to being a delivery driver and despite my hectic schedule I always found time for her. I would sleep less than usual because I will stay until 1-2am sometimes my time to talk to her and help her with the struggles she experienced at her job place. She wanted to switch companies and we had to pray a lot about it. Eventually, she remained at the same company. Also, during the last year almost now, I've always been available to her, even during work I would not spend my break properly because I would talk to her. I wanted to always be there for her and thought by being available to her, she'd appreciate me more. I wanted to show her am not that guy from 2020, that her and I will be happy together.
During March of 2022 she met her cousin and the Muslim guy tagged along. She used to tell me every detail about her life which I also did to her. We shared everything. But she didn't tell me that she met him on that night. Earlier this year I had told her it's unwise for her to meet him up anymore because he still has feelings for her and by her meeting him, even in the company of her cousin, she is giving him false hopes that he might have a chance. well, she didn't take heed and met him anyway. I was right, he blurted out his feelings to her once they were already alone, whilst waiting for a train to board. When she was telling me about this story 3 weeks later she felt guilty and apologised for not mentioning it earlier. I was a bit upset but told her I understand why she might have done it.
I went to her again during April and stayed there until the start of June. We went on a holiday to Japan (I paid for the whole holiday), I got her an iPhone 14 and treated her like a princess. We had some disagreements but nothing too major in my eyes. Whilst in Japan, I sat down with her at a cafe and told her by holding her hands and looking her in the eyes that I will marry her during my next visit and then bring her over to England. She didn't give an answer but judging by her face, she seemed happy and excited.
A big mistake we both did was whilst I was there we fornicated, not once or twice, but maybe over 15 times. We spent a total of 57 days together and during that time we had sex pretty much every 3rd day. I've repented to her and God about doing that, it wasn't right. She was my first and I was her first. However, she was left with the lie from 2020 of me not being a virgin and she kept asking me over the months of how many times I've done it with my ex. I kept perpetuating the lie by saying many times, and would joke by saying 100's of times. Her mum asked her whether we sleep in the same bedroom and whether we had sex and she told her mum that we sleep in different rooms and no sex has happened between us. She lied to her mother on the pretext her mum will go berserk if she finds out.
When I came back to London on the 2nd of June this year I realised her attitude towards me had changed. She appeared slightly withdrawn and cold, but when asked why, she'd say that it's all okay. She finally broke down on the 21st of July, saying how she hears a voice in her head telling her to leave me because of how I treated her in the past and the trauma I caused to her. She said she has vivid nightmares every night during which I beat her, molest her and treat her like a housewife, lower than an animal. I asked her does she honestly believe I'd ever hit her and she said "maybe". The thing is I've never been abusive to anyone in my life. It hurt me a bit that she sees me in that light but was wondering why would she listen to this voice. She began questioning the relationship and saying that I will abandon her again, I will be rude and mean to her, I will treat her badly and not let her talk to her family back home, that I will shout at her and raise my voice etc. None of this will happen. I've never shouted at her, ever. The thought of shouting makes me feel sick. I don't like it and I don't do it. She, however, became quieter and quieter, not wanting to even talk to me as much.
On the 1st of August we had a serious conversation and both of us cried. We prayed a lot and got back to normal. 2 days ago she again began asking me regarding my sexual encounters with the ex and how many times I've done it. I thought to myself I will tell her the truth and she flipped. She said "you lied to me again", which is true because 2 months ago I admitted that ex and I were in a LDR and that she didn't actually live in the same city as me. Yes, those are perpetuated lies and I feel really bad for saying them and maintaining the false narrative all this time. I apologised and told her she's also lied to her mother and to me about that Muslim guy but that I don't hold it against her. I also said those lies have no bearing on our relationship, that it is all in the past. She said she'll tell her mother the whole truth and then break up with me. I sent her a voice note, pleading with her and asking her to pray with me, of how sorry i am and that i should have told her earlier but she never answered. She instead sent a thumbs up emoji, followed by changing her profile pic of us on facebook. with a pic of her. She has not yet deleted our pics on her facebook profile.
Last week she also accused me of being all words and no actions so I explained to her she's unreasonable with that statement, that am doing everything in my power to meet her needs, by flying over to there, taking her to places, organising her trip to the UK, staying for hours at a time, sacrificing my sleep. I never mentioned those things before because I thought those actions are noticed but it hurt me when she said love is not enough and she needs actions. I don't know what other actions I could do. We pray together, even though she always falls asleep during my prayers. I sing to her, write her sweet messages every other day, am willing to give my life for her. I truly love her.
I've not heard from her in the past 2 days and not sure when and if I will hear back from her. She recently posted Ephesians chapter 4, verses 26-27 on her Whatsapp status and am unsure of what to make out of it.
Please, fellow Christians, give your fair assessment of the situation. Am I this horrible person? I pray that God returns her, she will never know the life she will have with me if she chooses to walk away because I am willing to do anything for her.
PS: I suspect those nightmares she's having are because of the horror movies she watches and podcasts on youtube regarding people getting lost in the woods and encountering ghosts/apparitions. She has told me when she was 5-6 she used to have demons throttling her during her sleep and her granddad's prayer delivered her from these creatures. I have asked her to stop watching horror movies and to stop listening to those podcasts but she refuses to let go.
I truly love her and my heart aches badly, it feels broken and shattered.
This might be a tad long and detailed so please bear with me. I want to lay out all of the facts with the hope someone will offer an unbiased/impartial input. Brace yourselves for a descriptive read...
My now girlfriend and I met on a dating app (Christians Dating For Free aka CDFF) designed specifically for Christians during January of 2020. It was around the time when the first COVID cases were announced. She messaged me privately saying she would like to chat with me and I gladly accepted. Her country of origin & residence is Indonesia and I was born and bred in Bulgaria, however, I have been living in London, England for just under 12 years now.
After a few days of us exchanging messages on the app I asked her to add my number on WhatsApp and we continued texting there. At the end of January 2020 I insisted that we have a video call which we did. My first impression of her was that she appeared nervous, slightly awkward but had a will to talk to me. We shared stories, predominantly of our faith and also of our daily lives. During the next few months we became close and would talk before I'm off to bed and just after she'd have woken up. There was plenty of spare time on our hands due to the lockdown so we just talked. Her background is geodesy and my is nursing. During the stage of getting to know one another I mistakenly spoke at length regarding my past relationship, which was also a Long Distance Relationship (LDR). I lied to her that I dated a girl from London with whom I've had sex. Everything else was true but having had sex and the ex being in the same city as me were lies. I was still a virgin and I travelled exnesively to meet the ex at her home country. At the time I thought nothing of it because I was not considering anything serious with her.
She's always had one admirer in the background who had never stopped badgering her with requests to get together with him and be his girlfriend. He is a muslim and that was the reason why she never gave him the chance. Whilst we were talking in 2020, she posted a pic of me on her WhatsApp account just to make him mad and jealous which worked to her advantage. He was enraged and demanded to know from her who I am, why is she texting me, how can she play with his feelings etc. She would share all of those with me and laugh at his expense. I am mentioning him here because he'll become important later on in the story.
Fast forward to May of 2020 and she confessed to have feelings for me. She openly admitted that she loves me and I said it back even though it was not true. Our topics became personal and we got to know each other fundamentally well. There was a streak of a couple of months (July-September 2020) when we would fight & argue a lot, I made her cry and she acted slightly unreasonable. I told her we shouldn't talk anymore and proceeded to block her.
In the middle of August 2022 I reopened her chat on messenger and sent her a quick text, asking her how she's been doing, what has been up to. I thought she will never reply based on how I acted and behaved previously, but she responded and not only that but she was positive. I apologised to her profusely, saying that am deeply sorry about how I ended things, that I will never leave her again. It's like we've never been apart for those 2 years. I even told her I want to go to Indonesia and meet her in the flesh. She gladly agreed that if we'll be serious we should have a meeting in person etc. We got back to our old ways of talking a lot ad averaged 4h conversations every single day for months, until I flew to Indonesia on the 27th of December, 2022 and met her. It was better than I anticipated and by that moment I was already in love with her. We had told each other that we love one another and that was before I flew to meet her. We even said that every single day during all of the days of November & December, 2022.
Her and I went touring around Jakarta, having lots of fun and going on boat rides, climbing hills, visiting islands. I took her to the island she wanted to visit so much. She seemed to be madly in love with me and I loved her to bits as well. Whilst there, I held her hands and apologised again for leaving her in the past, telling her I will take her with me to London by 2024 and that I will be back to see her in April of this year.
When I came back to London the first time I changed my job to being a delivery driver and despite my hectic schedule I always found time for her. I would sleep less than usual because I will stay until 1-2am sometimes my time to talk to her and help her with the struggles she experienced at her job place. She wanted to switch companies and we had to pray a lot about it. Eventually, she remained at the same company. Also, during the last year almost now, I've always been available to her, even during work I would not spend my break properly because I would talk to her. I wanted to always be there for her and thought by being available to her, she'd appreciate me more. I wanted to show her am not that guy from 2020, that her and I will be happy together.
During March of 2022 she met her cousin and the Muslim guy tagged along. She used to tell me every detail about her life which I also did to her. We shared everything. But she didn't tell me that she met him on that night. Earlier this year I had told her it's unwise for her to meet him up anymore because he still has feelings for her and by her meeting him, even in the company of her cousin, she is giving him false hopes that he might have a chance. well, she didn't take heed and met him anyway. I was right, he blurted out his feelings to her once they were already alone, whilst waiting for a train to board. When she was telling me about this story 3 weeks later she felt guilty and apologised for not mentioning it earlier. I was a bit upset but told her I understand why she might have done it.
I went to her again during April and stayed there until the start of June. We went on a holiday to Japan (I paid for the whole holiday), I got her an iPhone 14 and treated her like a princess. We had some disagreements but nothing too major in my eyes. Whilst in Japan, I sat down with her at a cafe and told her by holding her hands and looking her in the eyes that I will marry her during my next visit and then bring her over to England. She didn't give an answer but judging by her face, she seemed happy and excited.
A big mistake we both did was whilst I was there we fornicated, not once or twice, but maybe over 15 times. We spent a total of 57 days together and during that time we had sex pretty much every 3rd day. I've repented to her and God about doing that, it wasn't right. She was my first and I was her first. However, she was left with the lie from 2020 of me not being a virgin and she kept asking me over the months of how many times I've done it with my ex. I kept perpetuating the lie by saying many times, and would joke by saying 100's of times. Her mum asked her whether we sleep in the same bedroom and whether we had sex and she told her mum that we sleep in different rooms and no sex has happened between us. She lied to her mother on the pretext her mum will go berserk if she finds out.
When I came back to London on the 2nd of June this year I realised her attitude towards me had changed. She appeared slightly withdrawn and cold, but when asked why, she'd say that it's all okay. She finally broke down on the 21st of July, saying how she hears a voice in her head telling her to leave me because of how I treated her in the past and the trauma I caused to her. She said she has vivid nightmares every night during which I beat her, molest her and treat her like a housewife, lower than an animal. I asked her does she honestly believe I'd ever hit her and she said "maybe". The thing is I've never been abusive to anyone in my life. It hurt me a bit that she sees me in that light but was wondering why would she listen to this voice. She began questioning the relationship and saying that I will abandon her again, I will be rude and mean to her, I will treat her badly and not let her talk to her family back home, that I will shout at her and raise my voice etc. None of this will happen. I've never shouted at her, ever. The thought of shouting makes me feel sick. I don't like it and I don't do it. She, however, became quieter and quieter, not wanting to even talk to me as much.
On the 1st of August we had a serious conversation and both of us cried. We prayed a lot and got back to normal. 2 days ago she again began asking me regarding my sexual encounters with the ex and how many times I've done it. I thought to myself I will tell her the truth and she flipped. She said "you lied to me again", which is true because 2 months ago I admitted that ex and I were in a LDR and that she didn't actually live in the same city as me. Yes, those are perpetuated lies and I feel really bad for saying them and maintaining the false narrative all this time. I apologised and told her she's also lied to her mother and to me about that Muslim guy but that I don't hold it against her. I also said those lies have no bearing on our relationship, that it is all in the past. She said she'll tell her mother the whole truth and then break up with me. I sent her a voice note, pleading with her and asking her to pray with me, of how sorry i am and that i should have told her earlier but she never answered. She instead sent a thumbs up emoji, followed by changing her profile pic of us on facebook. with a pic of her. She has not yet deleted our pics on her facebook profile.
Last week she also accused me of being all words and no actions so I explained to her she's unreasonable with that statement, that am doing everything in my power to meet her needs, by flying over to there, taking her to places, organising her trip to the UK, staying for hours at a time, sacrificing my sleep. I never mentioned those things before because I thought those actions are noticed but it hurt me when she said love is not enough and she needs actions. I don't know what other actions I could do. We pray together, even though she always falls asleep during my prayers. I sing to her, write her sweet messages every other day, am willing to give my life for her. I truly love her.
I've not heard from her in the past 2 days and not sure when and if I will hear back from her. She recently posted Ephesians chapter 4, verses 26-27 on her Whatsapp status and am unsure of what to make out of it.
Please, fellow Christians, give your fair assessment of the situation. Am I this horrible person? I pray that God returns her, she will never know the life she will have with me if she chooses to walk away because I am willing to do anything for her.
PS: I suspect those nightmares she's having are because of the horror movies she watches and podcasts on youtube regarding people getting lost in the woods and encountering ghosts/apparitions. She has told me when she was 5-6 she used to have demons throttling her during her sleep and her granddad's prayer delivered her from these creatures. I have asked her to stop watching horror movies and to stop listening to those podcasts but she refuses to let go.
I truly love her and my heart aches badly, it feels broken and shattered.
