I posted about my situation a few months back and I've been in therapy since but really I can't figure out if the choice to stay or leave is me making excuses because I don't want to make the hard decision to leave or if I'm feeling God tell me to hold on a little longer.
Premises:
-He's not a Christian, but he doesn't fight me on Christianity. He goes to church with me and is all for raising our 2 little girls in faith.
-we met when I was backslidden and far from God. Met in 2008. Married in 2015.
-I started back to church when we had our first child in 2017.
Issues:
-Extremely verbally abusive when we get in arguments. Calls me fat, a fat B%#$, a C....etc.
-He never ever apologizes after a fight. We stop talking for a few days bc I shut down when he starts name calling. He doesnt want to talk about arguments when he's cooled off bc "he's over it".
-Fights are the really hard times for me, but the in between times don't make things better:
-we have zero sex. Every now and then he'll want something but its never sex.
-he drinks practically every night, so he goes to bed much later than me, so he sleeps in another room.
-I cant approach him about any of my feelings, whether its him or someone else. If its him, he immediately gets defensive and says I'm just trying to start a fight. Like this morning, he drank last night and per usual, I got up with the kids, got them breakfast, lunches, ready for the day and off to daycare. The whole time, he just stayed in bed. We both work full time jobs, but he picks and chooses when he wants to "help" around the house. But I didn't even tell him I wasn't happy about me doing it all this morning, bc he'd blame me for "always having something to complain about." If its regarding my issues with someone else, he tells me to cut them off. That is his go-to.
-Leads me to the next thing. He cut his family off bc they didnt attend our daughters 1st bday bc of Covid. His mom is declining very quickly and has ended up in the hospital twice in the past month. I've gone to see her and he acts so indifferent when I tell him whats going on with her. He cuts anyone off that he doesnt like or cant do anything beneficial for him. He is extremely rude to my family. Got mad (just in private to me) that my dad asked if he could help him move a few things into his new apartment...literally 2 miles down the street from us. The next closest family member is about an hour away. So he hates his family and mine.
-He acts like he hates life. Hates his job. Drinks every night bc he says life is boring, but wont go out and do anything.
-No community. Has one friend and I wouldnt even call it a good friend.
-He doesn't show emotion, other than anger or talk about things. Told me he wouldn't cry anyone died other than our girls...including me, his parents...etc. That is really hard for me to process.
-I'm not scared of him physically, but I do find myself holding back ALOT, including just being myself around him, bc I worry that he'll make fun of me or say something to hurt me.
Bottom line is all of this makes me feel very isolated, lonely and hopeless and as a person, I have lost absolutely all respect for him. He is a great dad the majority of the time to our girls. I am not ok with his name calling in front of them...or obviously at all. I've asked for us to work on our relationship and he says he's fine. Dates are stupid and a waste of money. I worry about how we are teaching our girls what a relationship looks like. I pray for him to come to faith and am weary at this point. Feels so hopeless. I am living unloved and when I think about how the rest of my life could look like this, I really panic. I can't do it, but I'd also do anything to keep my girls from being hurt. Right now its fine bc he doesnt talk to them the way he does me but they are 5 and 3. I worry he will name call them as they get older. I worry that my girls will marry someone like him. I know marriages aren't supposed to be fairytales and take work, but he has no desire to put any work into ours. He's 100% complacent with where we are. I feel disconnected, lonely and unloved. If I tell him this, he'll tell me its a me problem and that he's good. He refuses counseling, so I go myself. When I picture not being with him, I feel lighter and free. Just at a loss with whether I hold on any longer.
Premises:
-He's not a Christian, but he doesn't fight me on Christianity. He goes to church with me and is all for raising our 2 little girls in faith.
-we met when I was backslidden and far from God. Met in 2008. Married in 2015.
-I started back to church when we had our first child in 2017.
Issues:
-Extremely verbally abusive when we get in arguments. Calls me fat, a fat B%#$, a C....etc.
-He never ever apologizes after a fight. We stop talking for a few days bc I shut down when he starts name calling. He doesnt want to talk about arguments when he's cooled off bc "he's over it".
-Fights are the really hard times for me, but the in between times don't make things better:
-we have zero sex. Every now and then he'll want something but its never sex.
-he drinks practically every night, so he goes to bed much later than me, so he sleeps in another room.
-I cant approach him about any of my feelings, whether its him or someone else. If its him, he immediately gets defensive and says I'm just trying to start a fight. Like this morning, he drank last night and per usual, I got up with the kids, got them breakfast, lunches, ready for the day and off to daycare. The whole time, he just stayed in bed. We both work full time jobs, but he picks and chooses when he wants to "help" around the house. But I didn't even tell him I wasn't happy about me doing it all this morning, bc he'd blame me for "always having something to complain about." If its regarding my issues with someone else, he tells me to cut them off. That is his go-to.
-Leads me to the next thing. He cut his family off bc they didnt attend our daughters 1st bday bc of Covid. His mom is declining very quickly and has ended up in the hospital twice in the past month. I've gone to see her and he acts so indifferent when I tell him whats going on with her. He cuts anyone off that he doesnt like or cant do anything beneficial for him. He is extremely rude to my family. Got mad (just in private to me) that my dad asked if he could help him move a few things into his new apartment...literally 2 miles down the street from us. The next closest family member is about an hour away. So he hates his family and mine.
-He acts like he hates life. Hates his job. Drinks every night bc he says life is boring, but wont go out and do anything.
-No community. Has one friend and I wouldnt even call it a good friend.
-He doesn't show emotion, other than anger or talk about things. Told me he wouldn't cry anyone died other than our girls...including me, his parents...etc. That is really hard for me to process.
-I'm not scared of him physically, but I do find myself holding back ALOT, including just being myself around him, bc I worry that he'll make fun of me or say something to hurt me.
Bottom line is all of this makes me feel very isolated, lonely and hopeless and as a person, I have lost absolutely all respect for him. He is a great dad the majority of the time to our girls. I am not ok with his name calling in front of them...or obviously at all. I've asked for us to work on our relationship and he says he's fine. Dates are stupid and a waste of money. I worry about how we are teaching our girls what a relationship looks like. I pray for him to come to faith and am weary at this point. Feels so hopeless. I am living unloved and when I think about how the rest of my life could look like this, I really panic. I can't do it, but I'd also do anything to keep my girls from being hurt. Right now its fine bc he doesnt talk to them the way he does me but they are 5 and 3. I worry he will name call them as they get older. I worry that my girls will marry someone like him. I know marriages aren't supposed to be fairytales and take work, but he has no desire to put any work into ours. He's 100% complacent with where we are. I feel disconnected, lonely and unloved. If I tell him this, he'll tell me its a me problem and that he's good. He refuses counseling, so I go myself. When I picture not being with him, I feel lighter and free. Just at a loss with whether I hold on any longer.
