I need advise and encouragement

[smilefuture]

Hello Everyone, I'm looking for advise and encouragement about my marriage. I don't really know where to start. I'm married for 6 years , me and my husband are both christians and have a difficult marriage. I struggle so much that I just want to get out of this marriage, my husband also struggles very much and we just are trying to survive. In short, I have a lot of shortcomings. Coming from a 'dysfunctional' family and that caused many issues even into my marriage. Like, for example I have been stopped from developing myself. My dad was unable to be a husband to my mom and father for his children. (he is not a christian) And my mother (she was a christian) sheltered me too much and I was fine with that. I'm working on all my shortcomings though it takes time. And I need time to heal from the hurts of my past, but my husband is not patient with that. We had many conflicts over this. Even from the beginning of our marriage. We are working on it and even I asked many advises from some christians around us. And they said God hates divorce and all marriages have conflicts. They gave us books, prayed. Things did get better between me and my husband. But whenever we have a conflict, it is too much for my husband. Whether it is 1 conflict a month or 1 per week. And after a conflict he needs major time to recover... He is exhausted and seem a bit depressed. I don't blame him for that. I hate conflicts too. And now I'm getting depressed. I'm regretting my marriage more and more, seeking ways to get out of it. My husband is 12 years older than me and I'm starting to regret that even more. The hard thing is I never even knew I came short so much until after I got married. Even I talked with my mom whether it was fine to marry him, considering the age difference. She was totally for it and she even thought I would be crazy not to marry him, when she was still alive. My husband he is a stronger christian than I am and he has done a lot for me. But he has also hurted me and blamed me for many things. I blamed him too, I hurted him too, so I'm not any better. He is doing his best to be patient, I respect him for that, but I just feel more and more difficult about all of this. Like, this was all a big mistake. Should I just leave?

I really need advise on this. Thank you in advance.

 

[Of the Kingdom]

I hope the two of you can overcome your misunderstandings and save the marriage. If you cannot find a mutually acceptable way to deal with the issues, the marriage could fail.

I hope you can find a good counselor or friend that you can discuss this with. From what you say, it might be easier for you to find a counselor first, and try to get him involved later without getting him too upset.

It sounds like your husband is quite sensitive to emotional conflict. Perhaps you can find a way to overcome at least some of the issues that concern him, then he may find it easier to talk about other issues that you or he have. Right now he might be afraid of losing you every time you bring up problems.

May God bless you and guide you to a better marriage.

 

[Tolworth John]

But he has also hurted me and blamed me for many things. I blamed him too, I hurted him too, so I'm not any better. He is doing his best to be patient, I respect him for that, but I just feel more and more difficult about all of this

First of all can the pair of you talk without arguing?
Because unless you can do this there is no hope .

Why do you blame him and why does he blame you?
There is no room for blame in a marriage, you both need to talk about this and stop the blame game.

When you argue and you will, never blame the other or referr to past disagreements.
When arguing say what and why you are hurt, why you feel the way you do.

He has to know that you are hurt by this action, what ever it is and Why it hurts you.

He has to argue in the same way.

You both have to apologize for hurting the other, forgive and forget the incident.

These will not solve all your problems but they will make a start.

 

[NerdGirl]

It's really hard for me to give any sort of response to such vague statements. Can you give some specific examples of the behaviors you're talking about? How are you hurting each other? What are these conflicts about? What do you mean you "stopped developing yourself"?

 

[smilefuture]

I hope the two of you can overcome your misunderstandings and save the marriage. If you cannot find a mutually acceptable way to deal with the issues, the marriage could fail.

I hope you can find a good counselor or friend that you can discuss this with. From what you say, it might be easier for you to find a counselor first, and try to get him involved later without getting him too upset.

It sounds like your husband is quite sensitive to emotional conflict. Perhaps you can find a way to overcome at least some of the issues that concern him, then he may find it easier to talk about other issues that you or he have. Right now he might be afraid of losing you every time you bring up problems.

May God bless you and guide you to a better marriage.

Thank you very much, I appreciate that. I have to think about that more what you have said. I'm not sure I can easily overcome my personal issues quick. I guess i'm not a wise person, sigh... But basically I had experienced deep rejections from my upraising. And sought approval in te wrong places. I am now learning that only God can give me the love that I need. I'm getting better now, but it still takes time to be healed and my husband is just not patient. He feel difficult to deal with that. I don't blame him, it is hard. He is not a very patient person. I just wonder if our marriage is still worth fighting for, because I'm exhausted and I can't quickly change myself. And I wonder more and more what our marriage is based on. I do understand I need to change and that my shortcomings are a lot. sigh...

I don't really understand how he would be afraid of losing me every time I bring up problems. Would you mind explaining that?

Thank you very much again for your advise, I appreciate it.

 

[smilefuture]

First of all can the pair of you talk without arguing?
Because unless you can do this there is no hope .

Why do you blame him and why does he blame you?
There is no room for blame in a marriage, you both need to talk about this and stop the blame game.

When you argue and you will, never blame the other or referr to past disagreements.
When arguing say what and why you are hurt, why you feel the way you do.

He has to know that you are hurt by this action, what ever it is and Why it hurts you.

He has to argue in the same way.

You both have to apologize for hurting the other, forgive and forget the incident.

These will not solve all your problems but they will make a start.

Thank you for your advise.

Sometimes we can talk without arguing, but many times it ends up in arguing. We do apologize eachother. But we bump into the same problem again. We have to be very careful eachother, but many times it has failed. We either fail to understand eachother or just too tired. My husband has had stress out of that for a long time, so every argue is one too much. And he feels discouraged every time about it. Things I tolerate, he doesn't. He taught me many things that actually my parents should have and I guess was not a wise person. So that all didn't help. I guess I'm the problem. I guess my shortcomings are just too deep and not easily fixable. I need to work a lot on many things about myself, and I am, but he just has to be patient. I can't help with it, it takes time to heal and work on things.
By shortcomings I mean, I haven't learned many responsibilities. Like learning to cook, clean, manage finances and all of that. Now I do, but everytime he finds something else he is bothered with about me. Like, I'm kind of passive person and he expects me to take more initiatives. I'm working on that, but at the same time I need healing. And I'm running out of patience too in this way. And then when I tell him, shouldn't you be happy now that I have more responsibilities and then he simply answers, yea that's what you suppose to have... Then I feel like, yea sorry...

If he is bothered with something about me, then I became sensitive for that and try to defend myself. I get upset, because I can't be perfect all the time. He keeps wanting to change me. And I tell him that i'm sensitive about him being bothered with me, but I feel like he tends to blame me. I could be wrong, but that's how I feel like. He does self reflect and does apologize himself. So, I don't want you to get the wrong idea about him.And he admits he needs to be more patient and understanding. But he is just bothered with many things about me. And it frustrates me in this way.

 

[smilefuture]

It's really hard for me to give any sort of response to such vague statements. Can you give some specific examples of the behaviors you're talking about? How are you hurting each other? What are these conflicts about? What do you mean you "stopped developing yourself"?

Please, see my reply to Tolworth John. I answered there what you asked me.

 

[Of the Kingdom]

I don't really understand how he would be afraid of losing me every time I bring up problems. Would you mind explaining that?

If your husband is strongly committed to the marriage, he will be afraid anytime the possibility of the marriage ending comes up. When you say things like:

I just wonder if our marriage is still worth fighting for

... it sounds like you are ready to quit trying. If my wife said something like that to me, or I got a hint that she was thinking that way, I would be panic-stricken.

Clearly we can't diagnose specific issues on the forum, but I hope we can encourage you to believe in yourself and believe your husband cares for you and the marriage is worth fighting for.

I get the impression both of you have substantial emotional issues to deal with. Specifically, your husband may have difficulty dealing with conflict, so I hope you can find a way to let him know that you do love him, that you are committed to find a way to make the marriage a success, that you want to make changes but you will need time and counseling to do so. Maybe you can make a truce on some issues, offering a temporary minor improvement while both of you try to understand each other better.

I pray that the Lord will bless and guide you and your husband.

 

[Tolworth John]

But we bump into the same problem again

he is just bothered with many things about me. And it frustrates me in this way.

Maybe you both need to let go of some issues untill you can talk about them.

May I suggest, what I am sure many others have, that you both re read and meditate on

1 Corinthians 13:4-8.
The famous Love is patient, love is kind etc etc etc and ask how are you working this out.
If he is getting stressed has he spoken to his doctor for something to calm him done.

 

[NerdGirl]

I would definitely advise counseling as well. I wish you the best

 

[smilefuture]

If your husband is strongly committed to the marriage, he will be afraid anytime the possibility of the marriage ending comes up. When you say things like:



... it sounds like you are ready to quit trying. If my wife said something like that to me, or I got a hint that she was thinking that way, I would be panic-stricken.

Clearly we can't diagnose specific issues on the forum, but I hope we can encourage you to believe in yourself and believe your husband cares for you and the marriage is worth fighting for.

I get the impression both of you have substantial emotional issues to deal with. Specifically, your husband may have difficulty dealing with conflict, so I hope you can find a way to let him know that you do love him, that you are committed to find a way to make the marriage a success, that you want to make changes but you will need time and counseling to do so. Maybe you can make a truce on some issues, offering a temporary minor improvement while both of you try to understand each other better.

I pray that the Lord will bless and guide you and your husband.

Thank you for prayers, we really need it.

I'm not really sure whether my husband is strongly committed to our marriage. I can't really tell, but I do know he is devoted to God. So, he cares about me? And I'm not sure about him, but from my part it's more of I do it out of obligation to God. Especially since lately.

The thing is, I thought if I work on my shortcomings, he would be happier and I would be happier. But even though I improved a lot, then there is always something else he is bothered with about me. And that frustrates me. Because he just doesn't seem to tolerate it. I also don't feel loved in that way. I told him that many times.
I'm so tired of that. I expected him he would support me out of love. But yea, sigh... I understand it's hard for him too. I feel really terrible to him, that he has to deal with this, but I also feel powerless. I just can't quickly fix myself and my shortcomings.( I'm growing in God's love and now I'm also showing more boundaries.)
I am becoming more depressed lately.

Oh yes, my husband can not accept any conflict. Just zero. So, you think my husband can not deal well with conflict? Is that what you are saying?
I will think about what you guys suggested, thank you.

 

[smilefuture]

Maybe you both need to let go of some issues untill you can talk about them.

May I suggest, what I am sure many others have, that you both re read and meditate on

1 Corinthians 13:4-8.
The famous Love is patient, love is kind etc etc etc and ask how are you working this out.
If he is getting stressed has he spoken to his doctor for something to calm him done.

Thank you for suggestions. So, we first should let go of our issues and until we let go we don't talk about it? Is that what you are saying?

I'll try to show that verse to him and try to talk about it.

 

[smilefuture]

I would definitely advise counseling as well. I wish you the best

Thank you very much and thank you for your advise.

 

[Of the Kingdom]

I do know he is devoted to God

I do it out of obligation to God

These statements greatly concern me. Your marriage should be based on the fact that you love and care for each other, never on a sense of obligation.

Please, both of you, love and respect each other for who you are. Do not try to change each other. Perhaps you need to tell your husband that his requests for change are out of line and you do not accept them. Spouses do change their behavior and, over time, even their character as a result, but only when it comes naturally and without pressure or expectation. Perhaps both of you will have less conflict if you both clearly understand this.

Again, I can only guess how the two of you relate to each other, so this may be off track and you need to take it with a grain of salt. Maybe you can share it with your husband so the two of you can laugh over it and reduce the tension that way.

I pray that God-given wisdom will come your way to fortify your efforts to communicate with each other.