- Apr 2, 2018
- 2
- 5
- 34
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Baptist
- Marital Status
- Separated
This is all becoming too much for me. My life is spiralling out of control, and I have nobody to turn to. I mean, I know God is there, but I feel like He isn't listening. I feel like I've failed Him. I just need to tell my story. I have to believe that someone out there cares.
It all started 8 years ago. Things were good. I was in my junior year of college, I had just started dating an amazing girl, and then everything went sideways. She was in a car accident. I went down a deep, dark hole. I flunked a few classes, almost didn't graduate, and started jumping from one unhealthy relationship to another. After being cheated on and dumped several times, I gave up on dating. That was when I met my wife.
We bonded over our romantic disappointments and lack of Christian friends. We started seeing more of each other, and something more than friendship started to develop. Then, I got what should have been my first red flag. She became very jealous and controlling about my friends. She insisted that I cut contact with many of them. The second warning that I ignored was when she became very... aggressive... sexually. This was before we were married. I'll be blunt; we sinned. It was just once, but that was all it took. 5 months later we were married, and 4 months after that our first son was born.
It wasn't easy for us. After college, I couldn't find work in my field, so I resigned myself to taking temp jobs wherever I could find them. During a particularly long stretch of unemployment, I had my first serious episode. In a brief moment of lucidity, I walked into the hospital and told them I was thinking of harming myself. I was held for a few days and diagnosed as bipolar. Ever since then, any time I get upset, she threatens to have me locked up. She's actually done it twice. The first time she told them I was suicidal and hearing voices (a lie). The second time, her sister told the police I went at her with a knife (also a lie).
Eventually, we hit rock bottom. We couldn't make rent, and we had to move back in with my parents. We have been fighting to get out of debt ever since. I finally got a good paying job with incredible benefits, but they fired me after I got hurt on the job. The whole reason I'm posting this at 4am is because of that accident. All the screws and plates holding my leg together hurt so badly tonight that I just can't sleep.
We finally seemed to be on our way though. I've been at the same job for over 2 years now. The pay is adequate, but I can always pick up some overtime by volunteering for weekend shifts. We had another beautiful baby boy, and we got our own place. We should have been happy. Instead, we just fought constantly. Nothing I ever did was good enough. If she didn't like what I made for dinner, she would order a pizza, or make me go to Hardee's. I could never get anything done around the house, because I had to watch the kids while she slept all day. If I spent $5 on myself, I would never hear the end of it. Her family is there all the time, but she keeps trying to separate me from my family. I will be the first to admit that my family isn't perfect, but they have given so much to help us over the years, it feels wrong to completely cut them out of our lives, especially considering how much my brother loves my kids. He doesn't have any, so he's like a second dad to them. What's worse, she's cut me and the boys off from our church. She says we can't go there because my mother goes there.
The breaking point finally hit 9 months ago. We were arguing, and she attacked me, physically. It wasn't the first time she's done this, but it was the first time she had done it in front of our children. I always just take the hits because I'm not the type of man to raise a hand to my wife, but this time it was too much. After she had ripped a bloody gash in the side of my neck with her fingernails, I pinned her down and told her that she had crossed the line, that behaving this way in front of our children was inexscusable. Then I let her up.
For that, I was arrested and convicted of assault. She was granted a protection order which gives her full custody of the children. I only get supervised visitation at her discretion. She has no income, so I put money into our joint account every week to provide for her and the kids, but its never enough. I'm sleeping in the spare bedroom at my parents' house, eating one meal a day, having no life whatsoever so that I can give her 90% of my paycheck, and its not enough. She's not paying the bills, the boys tell me that they eat nothing but chicken nuggets and macaroni, but she has plenty to spend on drugs. One of the few days I got to see the kids, I wasked my 5 year old how he got the scar above his eye. His answer, "Mommy threw a bottle at me, but you can't tell anyone. Its a secret." Now, she's keeping my boys from me because I told her that there's no more money to give. To give more would mean not paying my court costs, or letting my car insurance lapse.
With everything going on, I'm ashamed to even show my face at church. I don't want to get divorced. Honestly, who wants a broken marriage? But, I know I can't go on like this. I need help. I need prayer. I just need to know that someone cares...
It all started 8 years ago. Things were good. I was in my junior year of college, I had just started dating an amazing girl, and then everything went sideways. She was in a car accident. I went down a deep, dark hole. I flunked a few classes, almost didn't graduate, and started jumping from one unhealthy relationship to another. After being cheated on and dumped several times, I gave up on dating. That was when I met my wife.
We bonded over our romantic disappointments and lack of Christian friends. We started seeing more of each other, and something more than friendship started to develop. Then, I got what should have been my first red flag. She became very jealous and controlling about my friends. She insisted that I cut contact with many of them. The second warning that I ignored was when she became very... aggressive... sexually. This was before we were married. I'll be blunt; we sinned. It was just once, but that was all it took. 5 months later we were married, and 4 months after that our first son was born.
It wasn't easy for us. After college, I couldn't find work in my field, so I resigned myself to taking temp jobs wherever I could find them. During a particularly long stretch of unemployment, I had my first serious episode. In a brief moment of lucidity, I walked into the hospital and told them I was thinking of harming myself. I was held for a few days and diagnosed as bipolar. Ever since then, any time I get upset, she threatens to have me locked up. She's actually done it twice. The first time she told them I was suicidal and hearing voices (a lie). The second time, her sister told the police I went at her with a knife (also a lie).
Eventually, we hit rock bottom. We couldn't make rent, and we had to move back in with my parents. We have been fighting to get out of debt ever since. I finally got a good paying job with incredible benefits, but they fired me after I got hurt on the job. The whole reason I'm posting this at 4am is because of that accident. All the screws and plates holding my leg together hurt so badly tonight that I just can't sleep.
We finally seemed to be on our way though. I've been at the same job for over 2 years now. The pay is adequate, but I can always pick up some overtime by volunteering for weekend shifts. We had another beautiful baby boy, and we got our own place. We should have been happy. Instead, we just fought constantly. Nothing I ever did was good enough. If she didn't like what I made for dinner, she would order a pizza, or make me go to Hardee's. I could never get anything done around the house, because I had to watch the kids while she slept all day. If I spent $5 on myself, I would never hear the end of it. Her family is there all the time, but she keeps trying to separate me from my family. I will be the first to admit that my family isn't perfect, but they have given so much to help us over the years, it feels wrong to completely cut them out of our lives, especially considering how much my brother loves my kids. He doesn't have any, so he's like a second dad to them. What's worse, she's cut me and the boys off from our church. She says we can't go there because my mother goes there.
The breaking point finally hit 9 months ago. We were arguing, and she attacked me, physically. It wasn't the first time she's done this, but it was the first time she had done it in front of our children. I always just take the hits because I'm not the type of man to raise a hand to my wife, but this time it was too much. After she had ripped a bloody gash in the side of my neck with her fingernails, I pinned her down and told her that she had crossed the line, that behaving this way in front of our children was inexscusable. Then I let her up.
For that, I was arrested and convicted of assault. She was granted a protection order which gives her full custody of the children. I only get supervised visitation at her discretion. She has no income, so I put money into our joint account every week to provide for her and the kids, but its never enough. I'm sleeping in the spare bedroom at my parents' house, eating one meal a day, having no life whatsoever so that I can give her 90% of my paycheck, and its not enough. She's not paying the bills, the boys tell me that they eat nothing but chicken nuggets and macaroni, but she has plenty to spend on drugs. One of the few days I got to see the kids, I wasked my 5 year old how he got the scar above his eye. His answer, "Mommy threw a bottle at me, but you can't tell anyone. Its a secret." Now, she's keeping my boys from me because I told her that there's no more money to give. To give more would mean not paying my court costs, or letting my car insurance lapse.
With everything going on, I'm ashamed to even show my face at church. I don't want to get divorced. Honestly, who wants a broken marriage? But, I know I can't go on like this. I need help. I need prayer. I just need to know that someone cares...
