Fellow Christians, I need help...
I will recount my story here and hope you can offer some guidance or insight based on the Bible, something I may have missed...
As a child I was an avid believer in God and I was greatly moved by the story of Jesus. I prayed before going to sleep.
In my teenage years I drifted further away and this drift between me and God only grew as I became interested in new age teachings and eastern practices like meditation and yoga. I went unknowingly to a reiki class and had some sort of "tuning" done to me. The next night I had a vivid nightmare.
Due to toxic relationship dynamics, I lost the ability to feel love and be genuine, and I went through a psychosis in which I had the delusion that people around me were demons and that I had gone into some sort of hell. I spent time recovering. My emotional and mental state was not great. I relapsed a year later because I stopped taking medication. Again, a lengthy recovery process. Due to the religious nature of the psychosis, I started really reaching out to God. But I was also having nightmares about the devil, one in which where he said that I belong to him.
There was another in which I met my deceased grandmother, who said that she'd gone to hell. And then I saw the devil, and his eyes were like flaming fire and he said that he can snatch people into hell after they die.
I got in deeper into christianity and was begging God to acknowledge me and to make Himself known to me, and it seemed to be working, (for maybe a few days), I experienced a state which felt like true connection, I felt moved by the spirit and felt love and connection to those in my vicinity. I had repented of my sins and accepted Jesus and was reading the Bible out of a real desire to hear Gods word. I then had a dream where I saw my body, it had been tortured in some way, and then something was knitting it back together, and by the end I crossed my hands and said "I give it to Jesus" in a kind of singsong voice. I woke up in the middle of it with my heart pounding, but not out of fear, out of something else. But I did not have a good feeling about the dream. It scared and worried me. I started to wonder about the name of Jesus, whether it was the right name, or if it had been changed at some point in history. Perhaps the New Testament hadn't originally been written in greek, but in arameic, and that Jesus had had another name...
But then I read in the Bible, that God will send strong delusion as a test of faith. I was wondering could it be so. I remembered reading that Jesus' eyes had been described as flaming torches. And for awhile I thought that it could've been Jesus desguised as the devil in that one dream I had. I felt easy for a little while. But then I truly wondered, would Jesus lie and deceive like that? I spent a lot of time worrying, and I know worrying is a sin, but I couldn't help it. Since then, I don't care about the name, and I've been feeling uneasy about all the things that have happened to me, but I've sort of stepped down a bit. And taken a little distance. In the middle of my worrying I came to the realization that it is actually a great trust in God to live your life not worrying about God all the time.
Can you make sense of the things that have happened to me? I don't know how I feel about Jesus anymore. Whether His name IS Jesus... Or Yahusha or something else... I just believe in God and His Son.
I will recount my story here and hope you can offer some guidance or insight based on the Bible, something I may have missed...
As a child I was an avid believer in God and I was greatly moved by the story of Jesus. I prayed before going to sleep.
In my teenage years I drifted further away and this drift between me and God only grew as I became interested in new age teachings and eastern practices like meditation and yoga. I went unknowingly to a reiki class and had some sort of "tuning" done to me. The next night I had a vivid nightmare.
Due to toxic relationship dynamics, I lost the ability to feel love and be genuine, and I went through a psychosis in which I had the delusion that people around me were demons and that I had gone into some sort of hell. I spent time recovering. My emotional and mental state was not great. I relapsed a year later because I stopped taking medication. Again, a lengthy recovery process. Due to the religious nature of the psychosis, I started really reaching out to God. But I was also having nightmares about the devil, one in which where he said that I belong to him.
There was another in which I met my deceased grandmother, who said that she'd gone to hell. And then I saw the devil, and his eyes were like flaming fire and he said that he can snatch people into hell after they die.
I got in deeper into christianity and was begging God to acknowledge me and to make Himself known to me, and it seemed to be working, (for maybe a few days), I experienced a state which felt like true connection, I felt moved by the spirit and felt love and connection to those in my vicinity. I had repented of my sins and accepted Jesus and was reading the Bible out of a real desire to hear Gods word. I then had a dream where I saw my body, it had been tortured in some way, and then something was knitting it back together, and by the end I crossed my hands and said "I give it to Jesus" in a kind of singsong voice. I woke up in the middle of it with my heart pounding, but not out of fear, out of something else. But I did not have a good feeling about the dream. It scared and worried me. I started to wonder about the name of Jesus, whether it was the right name, or if it had been changed at some point in history. Perhaps the New Testament hadn't originally been written in greek, but in arameic, and that Jesus had had another name...
But then I read in the Bible, that God will send strong delusion as a test of faith. I was wondering could it be so. I remembered reading that Jesus' eyes had been described as flaming torches. And for awhile I thought that it could've been Jesus desguised as the devil in that one dream I had. I felt easy for a little while. But then I truly wondered, would Jesus lie and deceive like that? I spent a lot of time worrying, and I know worrying is a sin, but I couldn't help it. Since then, I don't care about the name, and I've been feeling uneasy about all the things that have happened to me, but I've sort of stepped down a bit. And taken a little distance. In the middle of my worrying I came to the realization that it is actually a great trust in God to live your life not worrying about God all the time.
Can you make sense of the things that have happened to me? I don't know how I feel about Jesus anymore. Whether His name IS Jesus... Or Yahusha or something else... I just believe in God and His Son.