When Expectations Collide

[Michie]

Not long after my husband and I got married, we started having conflicts about what it meant to be home in time for dinner. After negotiating what seemed like a reasonable compromise, we developed a routine: he’d be late, I’d get angry, he’d apologize, and then we would have a déjà vu moment a few weeks later.

This was just one of many areas of conflict. We disagreed on how much food to prepare when we had guests, how quickly bills should be paid, and how often we needed to visit our extended families. We also fought about who should do the laundry and who should get the oil changed.

The frequency and intensity of our conflicts confused us. We were both communicative and reasonably mature. Why did we clash so much on these seemingly incidental issues? The problem wasn’t simply that we were strong-willed and opinionated. Unbeknownst to us, we entered marriage with a moving van full of expectations.

Expectations, in and of themselves, aren’t evil. In fact, they can often be very good. They help us understand our basic needs and wants. They play a valuable role in marriage: if we can’t expect certain things from our spouse, our marriage is vulnerable to failure.

Every couple will have their own unique expectations, but I would argue that there are three non-negotiables for every marriage: fidelity, honesty, and forgiveness. Some other expectations Christopher and I have are that we’ll work through conflict in a timely fashion, spend reasonable amounts of time together, and equitably share household responsibilities.

Few would find fault with those expectations. But, if you have been married more than a month, you will immediately notice the potential problem with the additional expectations Christopher and I have. What exactly does “timely fashion” mean: an hour or a full day? Does “reasonable” refer to one evening a week or five? Who determines what’s “equitable”? Because none of us clearly define our terms before saying “I do,” there’s bound to disappointment and conflict connected to expectations. After twenty-five years of marriage I am convinced that we can reduce the intensity, duration, and frequency of these conflicts if we take the time to understand the expectations we bring into marriage.

Our Expectations Are Shaped at an Early Age

Continued below.

When Expectations Collide

Unspoken assumptions may be at the root of conflict and disappointment in your marriage.

www.todayschristianwoman.com

 

[Diamond7]

Why did we clash so much on these seemingly incidental issues?

Opposites attract. They are attracted to people that are strong in areas they are weak in. But they do often clash. My wife was born and raised in a different country and a different culture but we get along reasonably well.

 

[tturt]

Sometimes when talking with folks about getting marriage, encourage them to look at how the parents of their future spouse interact.

 

[Diamond7]

Sometimes when talking with folks about getting marriage, encourage them to look at how the parents of their future spouse interact.

That sounds like the saying that you better like your mother in law because you are getting married to her.

 

[tturt]

Whatever happens in our households are viewed as the "normal" with the parents being the role models.. Then when there's a marriage, the way things were managed normally are probably going to clash. So encouraging the engaged couple to pay attention to the type of relationships and interactions, conflict resolution, how household responsibilities are handled, etc. Not that they won't have their own ideas when they establish their own households Even if they discuss these types of topics beforehand, they may change their minds. Hammering out those details to create their normal can be challenging. One reason is the history.